The things people say....

The way people communicate with you is definitely a sign of how you deal with life. I remember as a child someone bought me a Twinkie, then as I began to eat it said "Are you going to eat that? That's how you get fat." You see, the thing with manipulating a child is you never know what they might say in return. Me & my spunky Brewster self replied "Is that what happened to you?" I enjoyed every single bite of that devilish dessert. You see, words leave an impact if we let them. My entire adult life revolves around a healthy lifestyle, nutrition & exercise. If we allow, we give power to the words spoken to or over us. I remember a moment the church I was attending at the time, found out I was getting a divorce. The assistant pastors wife told me to step down from helping out in the nursery, then informed me that "if you go through with this, you will never have the anointing of God in your life." To this day I successfully intimidate & scare Christians, not God though.
I do want to share something that probably threw me under the bus completely....
It was within 3 months of my best friend dying. My ex husband told a lady that worked at the department of social services that I cried too much. She looked at me and asked "When did your father pass?" I let her know it was approximately 3 months, she then looked at me callously and said "that is just too long, you need to pull yourself together & get over it." Harsh, am I right?
Tonight, my oldest son and I were talking. He saw me struggling to hold back the tears & asked "What's wrong mom?" I simply told him the truth, "I feel like I have failed you and your siblings." He quickly replied "you have not! You are an excellent mother, friend, and inspire people. You save people, helping them lose weight, and helping them learn how to deal with life. Teaching them how to breath, relax, and find peace. Showing them it's possible and I hope to be able to do the same one day!"
Yes, the things people say. Do they really know what they say? Some do, most do not. No matter what is said, we do not have to let their words have power in our lives unless we want them to. We can choose truth & let the intuition within us come to the surface. Let your thoughts have power and let the freedom to be who you are radiate brighter than the sun. If anything, you must know, you are LOVED!

Passing pain

Through all these years, I've suffered and felt pain so deep as if it was unbearable. No one knew, I hid it from you. My heart was heavy, my soul was pushed down. My smile was covering the hurt and holding back the tears. I was completely alone & believed that is the way it had to be. I tried to fight back, I thought I could protect myself. Misery consumed my thoughts, I made it my reality. Hope did not exist as I was stuck inside a dried up well. I wasn't ever good enough, not even for myself.
Then, I let go, I gave in. I surrendered to the pain and welcomed the shame. I cried out loud and let you in. I shared my brokenness and showed you my wounds. I silenced the lies and spoke truth to fear. Ego couldn't bear it, he grasped his last breath. As I crashed unto the shore completely bare with nothing left, I opened my heart to see miracles burst forth. Not knowing others were watching the whole time. I saw freedom arise. Unspeakable love filled the air, the impossible became possible, and healing rejuvenated my entire being. An explosion of grace consumed me as when I first believed. It was then I woke up to find how LOVE relinquishes debt of any kind and restores the most barren of souls. The weight is not mine to carry anymore. I discovered why I am here, to channel love & light that only comes from a place of immeasurable joy. Grateful for these lessons, because without the pain I would not be where I stand today....watching miracles come forth as if they mimic the  oceans waves. Never ending love, eternities peace, and power beyond mountain peaks.

morning shenanigans

I look up and see your glory

I am in awe of your splendor

I love you

Yet I feel through the years I've only scratched the surface of understanding who you really are

I long to be yours

I desire deeper intimacy

I want to burst out of this temporary shell

Exploring beyond the boundaries of this physical realm

What's your power?

Today, I choose to use my power to send love & light to someone that has inflicted pain, suffering, hardship, & vengeance towards me. Love will prevail & be victorious!

Mother Earth

Earth, it's my playground, my home, my space, & always teaches me to be aware. Stay grounded friends, make love, & keep your hearts full of thanksgiving. Take care of Mother Earth as she does the same for us.

Wishful thoughts

My wish for my friends today is that you may never have to face the trials that I have had. May you never experience the hate from haters like mine. May your heart be so full of love that if you do face this kind of turmoil or evil that you can shine as if you are the sun beaming light into a dark place. May we all be strong enough to embrace others with kindness when it feels as if knives are being thrown. May you have a faith strong enough that you never feel alone. If you ever experience tears of anguish, may the joy that surpasses this life flow freely through you as healing power. I pray you be filled with hope and spread peace, that you understand you have nothing to fear. This life and sorrow are temporary, learn to breathe today & rest in love. Amen.

❤️️

Love makes all things right. It wakes us up in the morning with a sense of purpose & a flow of creative ideas. Shows us how to atone for our errors & clean up the mess when we've made mistakes. Love fills us with a powerful charisma, leading us to serve, forgive & to hope. Choose love today my friends.

I see you...

When a man sees me, I wonder if he's intimidated because he sees the fullness of who I am or that I see him for he fully is....or could be?

Back up.....

Wouldn't it be great if we all had back up in life, like in the movies.....when the lead actress/actor starts singing & the back up singers join in. Seriously, just look at the 'Walking Dead' series, none of the zombies travel alone, they stay in packs. Maybe, I should just be a zombie. So, when the kids be talking back my zombie crew could pop their head through the screen door and grunt, wha-la! No more attitude! Or I could be at work and the boss says something about a pay cut, I could say "me and my gang will see you tonight!" Thinking he/she might be eaten alive, thinks twice and I get a raise instead. Just a thought. #singleparenting #work #life #wheresmytribe #lol

Life in a 📦

I don't focus on this, yet when I come across it, it saddens me that my children have to witness such ignorance. The political rants, the name calling, the prejudice and sexist comments, the limited minds people have and feel justified to shout out. We ALL have our own reality & right to believe what we believe. Bullying or making fun of another human for what they see value in is wrong. I long for a day when everyone will respect each other no matter what they believe. When the human race will walk in integrity & compassion. It's simple, I don't make fun of you for celebrating at a football game, so why call me "crazy" for getting excited about God at church? My youngest son was minding his own when some unaware human told him ppl called me "crazy" at church because I act as if I'm at a football game. Let's turn the tables & imagine we were at a church in Africa.....the congregation would wonder what's wrong with you if you were sitting still in your seat. Newsflash, WE ARE NOT ALL THE SAME, some of us are more traveled, educated, sensitive, trained, and NOT COOKIE CUT OUT(perhaps limited to a some school system nor family upbringing) or didn't swallow some sort of brain washing pill that demands "this way is the ONLY way!" If we all realized this, could you imagine what an entirely different world we would live in?!?!? Let's all wake up, learn a lesson, become an adult by not taking things personal and not making assumptions. Life is to be lived in love and with a grateful heart.
#sermonsunday #dontliveinabox #brainsnotlooks

A place called love....

For the first time, I danced under the moon. Letting my inner woman roar louder than the waves crashing against the shore. I let the freedom within me escape, it shined brighter than the stars above. My soul jumped with joy because it FINALLY realized sin, nor death, nor my enemies chains have no hold on me! The cold sand melting  through my hands and feet, my heart sharing its story through every beat. Declaring my surrender to you, opening up and giving in. My hair softly brushing against my face, flowing with the wind. Allowing my eyes to see for the first time, my breathe full, and my mind at peace. Thank you love, thank you father, thank you for your grace and the forever wealth of your healing!
-🐞kca🐢

Little yogis.....

My most cherished times are with them. My kids, I'm so honored to be their mother. Love is a powerful thing. When you hear the sound of children laughing, you realize how much you love being a mom. I want more, they can be mine even if adoption may be the only option. Kids deserve to be loved and laugh more. Today, I choose to remember we ALL were once little children that deserve to be loved, the kind that listens, that gives, that is innocent, full of joy, and teaches peace. -kca

Live in the moment

This past weekend when I picked up the kids I noticed Eve's hair, there was still hair paint in it from the week before. I asked her if she bathed at all over the week, "YES MOM, I did." When we got to my house I made her jump in the shower & I helped her wash her hair. Washed out super easy, red tub made my heart melt. Yes, melt is the correct word. You see, my daughter is 10 and during the school year I only get to see her every other weekend. Those days are more precious than sleep & food to me. Washing her hair took me back to when I had the children all the time, holding them, playing with them, caring for them as only a mother can do. Helping her made me feel of importance, like I had purpose, the motherly instinct nested within me brought warmth to my soul. I love my children, being a mother is the most honorable calling I've ever known. Today, I took my youngest son to a few appointments, he is so patient with me when it comes to waiting if I I have to run an extra errand & helpful if there is something to put away or carry. I enjoy his company and his curious personality, I'm so proud of him always wanting to do the right thing & his beautiful heart. When he asked me(as we were cleaning the house & car): "What if I just stayed with you and we traveled together?" My heart leaped with joy because being with my little loves as we discover the world would be the dreamiest dessert life could offer. ❤️ I never want to forget these moments, I want to cherish how sweet my most precious gifts are, and influence them to always choose love. Thank you God, for sharing them with me & using them to motivate me to be my best.

It's okay if you have a bad day.....

I sit here observing my life. I'm capable of absorbing my losses and functioning as an American adult. I watch what is happening all around me, I understand I am not here to please others or keep up with them. I'm not confused or angry. I am responsible for what I have done and created in my world.
Weekly, I receive stacks of legal paperwork from my ex-husband and his lovely lawyer wife. It is not for me to judge, yet I have a feeling they are very unhappy.....seriously why else would someone pile shit loads of paperwork unto a single, broke ass, mother of four? Nothing else better to do for a hobby? Ummm, okay, guess I'll pull my monopoly money out to match this pretty letterhead. I walk through this, I am not afraid, even if I end up in jail for not being able to meet the expectations asked of me.
The pay-cut work sprung upon me and my co-workers over the past few weeks is not a big deal, we all are looking for new sources of income. The 4 current jobs I have now aren't sufficiently allowing ends to meet, a possible career change might come in handy or maybe it's time I embrace my inner hippie-beach bum! Happens to millions of corporate workers in America, no biggie, just an opportunity to become more inventive with finances. Right?

As for the people I call friends, lesson learned. Humans are sensitive and take things personal. It is forcing me to become a better, more loving person. Which means my humor must simmer down a notch or two. Saving face on those that I offend, love is choosing to see others as Christ sees us.
Dating life: dating doesn't deserve life. No time to hang from any ceiling and hardly breathe. Meeting someone worth the ride and die with hasn't been in my cards, I mean hasn't lived in the south. Not complaining, just saying....I can absorb all this, still go for a 3 mile run and squat 200 lbs.
Guess I'll just keep doing what I do best....allowing the left hemisphere of my brain stay dominant in language, I'll communicate, so writing it is! Stay grateful or it will be painful! Not every day is a bad day, but sometimes they happen.

Applications for sugar daddy position please send to....wait, too soon? Do you think this is where people don't get my humor?

I am Mother

I love being a mom. It's the most rewarding feeling in the world. I cherish the moments with my children. Time is limited my friends. Use your moments wisely, don't hold back the love, laughs, or beautiful words. I always have to focus on the good because time passes too quickly and you never know when the enemy (or who he will use) will come to steal, kill, & destroy what you have. I savor these moments, I stand fast because I have been given the honor of the name Mother. Being chosen to bear life is a precious gift, not everyone experiences & understands how this feels. The second I knew my firstborn was hiding within me I rejoiced, there is no greater blessing. I choose to see my heart full, to walk in unconditional love, and utilize these short moments with my offspring as more precious than gold.

Giraffes

Remember to stand tall because you are enough. You see life differently than all the other animals, your perspective is vital because you were given gifts others weren't. The outlook of life you offer to this world needs to be seen & heard, the rhythm of the  heart beat within you is strong for a reason. Listen to it, feel the sensation of purpose as it sets the tone to flow love through every cell of your being. You were created, that very fact alone should be a reminder that: YOU ARE ENOUGH!
-kca

Hurricane memories....

What changes ppl, what changes the world is love. War and hate only create more war and more hate. When we exemplify and walk in love, love is all we know and attract. Today my youngest son & I were walking around and seeing all the damage Hurricane Matthew left behind. A lady that lived close by was directing traffic for hours on our street. Trees have fallen everywhere & cars couldn't see oncoming cars to get around. No one asked this woman to do this, she simply saw a need & decided to take action. My son looked at me & we were on the same wave length, she needs water! Yet, my son went beyond that & asked her if she wanted a sandwich. She did, and asked if we could make her daughter one too. We walked back to the house & made sandwiches. Later on my son & daughter went outside & moved broken branches out of the yard, without me even asking! Thank you hurricane Matthew, for bringing out the best in my children. My prayer for my children is for their hearts to always be ones that reach out a helping hand that lift others up & not push ppl down. Be the change my friends, so we can watch our children lead with love, serving & saving this world one person at a time. My children constantly challenge me to be better, to do more, reminding me so much of my dad. What grateful tune will your soul sing today?

4 Agreements

 We live once, my humor is how I do life. My struggles are just temporary. My pain will pass, the judgements aren't mine to hold. My heart grows stronger as I learn to let go. I must contain gratitude & choose joy.  Staying open to the limitless and not blocking miracles.....accepting people as they are. Remain impeccable with my word, always do my best, don't make assumptions, and don't take things personal. These are the four agreements I will abide by & not the lies or past I had to overcome.

Miracles

We all have a beautiful capacity to embrace love & to share love. Even when we don't understand or have been treated with unkindness. Our lives reflect seasons like the trees flourish & fade. Standing firm, rooting ourselves no matter what amazing or hellacious events may occur is grounding. Choosing a perspective that seeks enlightenment and truth wether it bears positive or negative consequences does not mean we have to participate in the emotions. Am I going to summon or block the miracles in my life? The choice, and there is always a choice, is ours alone to for take. -kca

gravity

There might be one (or 20) person that you feel is against you, almost like gravity holding you down. Yet, God & the universe is FOR you! There is love...❤️feed into it, miracles can happen. Shift your thoughts, we have the power to attract or deflect miraculous miracles. The universe DOES care about you and work on your behalf. Regardless of what happens in your life, comfort & repair exist. What is wounded will be healed. You are not lacking just because your circumstances are. What is possible, lies within. -kca

Acceptance

I radiate acceptance.

If I want to be accepted as I am, then I need to be willing to accept others as they are. We always want to have our parents accept us totally, and yet often we are willing to accept them as they are. Acceptance is giving ourselves and others the ability to just be. It is arrogant to set standards for others. We can only set standards for ourselves. And even then we want them to be more like guidelines than standards. The more we can practice self-acceptance, the easier it is to drop habits that no longer serve us. It is easy for us to grow and change in an atmosphere of love.
-Louise L. Hay

I am you

You ask me if I'm okay, you wonder if those are real tears streaming down my face. Yes, it is what you see. Someone hurting, struggling, not able to stand this moment alone. Being crushed isn't something we desire to experience in this life, yet for growth it must occur. Having everything taken away, being told lies, and crawling to survive is what those that rose above the mire to conquer their inner fears had to do to revel in the inexpressible joy that is just beyond the walls of false freedom. I surrender, I choose to no longer resist, my heart is open & strong enough now that no matter what you say or do will not destroy who I am. I am free. I am love. I am you, once you release those chains that fill you with the need to defeat & use deceit.

what do you choose?

There is freedom! Don't let fear keep you from it. What people fear most is to be alive or to be themselves. Why dishonor yourself to please others? We already live in hell, the hell we've created & the one our fathers built before us. Don't let your beliefs control your life. You believe you hate someone or your job sucks....you have such a power to change that. Creating your reality starts with intention, it births within us when we allow ourselves to let go of the former laws we feel safe in & choose to be open.

Why judge me, when you can love me....

The water is warm tonight. I may not be much for a romantic lover, yet I have so much love within me. When the energy hits me, it's as if I can fly. I am consumed by love. Nothing in me is less. I can't help yet to wash over you like a wave, I crave your presence. I will always love you, accept you, forgive you, and run to you. I am yours. I dip my toes in, yet you cover me, soaking me with your kindness that melts my soul tempting me to step deeper within these waters. I love you, and it might be that I don't even know you, yet I am completely consumed by you. Take me. It may be the desire within me seeks community, or some form of a family. The fact is I'm here, it's not what most may see as the ideal dream, yet it's my dream. To be love, to give love, to heal, to break past the social barriers and embrace what could be. 
-kca

You melt me...

Is there anything that makes you melt? Sends goosebumps all over your body. As soon as you catch a glimpse of this object of affection you instantly feel peace. It overwhelms you with love, a comfort you know not to take for granted because this glory before your eyes stimulates you to the core. You have no desire to dominate this creature or guide it under your control due to the fact that your soul surrenders in the very presence of this beauty. You watch, you wait, you savor the moments. Tingling rushes over you, then it touches you releasing every stress and you feel a freedom to open your heart as if it never had boundaries in the first place! You are limitless as the sun shines upon your face, the very warmth of its rays wakes something inside you that was within you from the beginning. You belong.
Friends, this is my love affair with the ocean, I want to be washed, refreshed, renewed every day.🌊 
-Prita/Kara

Today

This is me when I wake up some mornings. Trying to figure out who is that figure I'm living this life in. There are battles we must face on our own. It's not easy, because it's deep within us that we already know the truth. We face these made up fears of losing control, addictions, pain, suffering, debt, or "fitting in". We "fit in" ourselves, we use this temporary temple as a tool to manifest the utmost desires that rage within us. Yet, then there are those of us that fall asleep....trying to forget our purpose. Indulging in the flesh. Today, I dig deep. I let go of this earthly vessel & see past the nonsense, to be aware of the conscious. I am here now, yet letting the pain just be a passerby. Choosing not to exhaust myself in emotions, but surrendering to this moment in time that was meant for me.

Standards

When you believe that you are doing your best, yet it feels as if you're not living up to the world standards..... You're probably not. You see, the world doesn't have standards, it is a place that offers life to live. Where water flows and food grows. It is a place for animals to roam. The word standard represents a rule or principle that is used as a basis for judgment created by the minds of humans. So, the next time your stomach clinches in pain or your head is about to explode from the stress of someone else's forced standards upon you....remember it's all bullshit.

Self Absorbed

Some people are so self absorbed they don't care about the well being of anyone else. The only thing they care about is if it will directly affect them. They feel hurt and pain, and call out the victim card. What makes someone great? Someone who sees past their own skin and embraces others. When we as humans get stuck in our own world, we only cause more suffering and abuse. That is where we choose to be. We may think "I didn't do this! How did I create this? I didn't ask for cancer, I didn't ask for financial struggle, or how did I ask to be abused by my parents or spouse????" It boils down to our thoughts, our way of thinking, not the outcome. I've caught myself saying "well, I knew that would happen." When something unpleasant occurs, what is your reaction? When someone mistreats you, do you respond with pure love or are there thoughts that want revenge and justice? Stepping outside of ourselves to understand why people select an unhealthy, negative emotion that will inflict hurt or create conflict is a start to evolving as the human race. Growth, it can be painful, yet it is necessary for change, for healing, and any form of success. There is so much more depth to someone's trained behavior. Digging deep, peeling off the layers (with compassion) to get to the root cause of another's hostility, bitterness, negativity, or physical pain is HOW we can be able to not only tolerate others with these issues, yet learn how to respond and be around them. The easy response would be to say "choose love." It is waaaaay more difficult than that, we must re-program our minds. We must become self aware to transition from self absorbency into selflessness. Reaching out to others, being compassionate and understanding....being the change we want to see in the world. There are 1000's of steps to do this, but for right now I need to finish making these homemade pancakes for the kiddos. Another blog or book for another day....

Snapchat....

As a mother of 4 at 40 years old, people tend to ask me what I eat and do to stay fit and healthy. I use my Snapchat account to show my daily intake of food, some moments at the gym and of course how to LOVE life! Silly moments are captured, pertaining to my humor or what nots, so if you want the scoop of how this momma does life.....snap me. Hapi Balance or yogakara, I seem to have forgotten my username at this moment. Cheers!

Priceless moments

My daughter turned 10 a few weeks ago, she wanted to sing karaoke, so she did. In front of a huge room full of people, she stood on that stage alone and put all her heart into the song "Bet on it" from High School Musical. That moment, I never want to forget, when the passion in her voice had the whole room hanging on her every word and then cheering so loud at the crescendo part. She was more than brave, she was a professional bad-ass. I was in awe of her follow through, it was as if fear no longer lived in her.

FOOD

I love food, never can get enough! That is why eating every 2 hours and getting enough doses of protein, fiber, carbs, etc. to spur that metabolism is super easy for me. It's what I do, what I've always done. As a personal trainer, licensed massage therapist, 500 hour yoga teacher, and basically focusing on a healthy lifestyle over the past 20 years is a part of who I am. Food, to me, is like medicine for our bodies on so many levels....physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, financially(yes, even in that department), and spiritually. People usually want an easy fix when it comes to anything in life, yet the truth is- there is no easy fix, just work. We work toward goals and then comes the maintenance. Maintaining what we achieved, just ask the athletes that worked so hard to become a part of the Olympics. Cars need maintenance, houses need it, our bodies need it. Connecting the dots to get there is key. It isn't just about the physical, there is more, the surface is just the beginning. We must dig deep if we want to have lasting and lifetime results of what ever goals we may be hosting within us. I can help with that. I seem to have this unique gift of helping people discover their goals and finding solutions to make them happen, as well as motivating them to do more than they ever thought possible. It's part of being a teacher, we bring out the best in our students.....allowing the student to far surpass the teacher. It has never been about the self being the best at everything, it has always been about how can we share the gift we have been given to see an explosion of excellence that travels beyond the self, the family, the community, and into the world. How is that for food for thought?

What I'm learning...

Do you know that YOU have enough love in your heart to heal the world. We all have the capability to become another Mother Teresa or Hitler. The choice lies within, continue to create your world. Love yourself, be the change you want to see.

How can it be?

You love me, how can this be? I am so amazed, I am so in love. I am yours. All along you were there, all along you carried me. You equip me to stand on my feet and not be tossed to the left or the right. I stand my ground where hope can be found. Thank you for making it right, for giving me life. Such deep love and beyond this cry you hold me steady. Strength has been constructed within me once and for all. I am letting you be, as I lay it down. As you never give up on me, be lifted higher.

Honesty

Honesty, that is all I know. I am completely human and searching for what excites me the most. Yesterday, I discovered something. When I pulled up to a gas station to hobble (sprained both my ankles) out of my car to pump gas I saw someone I knew. I asked them how they were and they pointed to their car mentioning how their wife had an accident and gave the car a new look. I said "That's not good, but it is just a car. Worse things happen and a car is just temporary." It really helped me put things into perspective, how blessed we really are. Sure, I could be crying(already did yesterday morning) over not being able to walk, work out, and be in constant pain. I could be complaining(already did yesterday) over how my yard looks like a jungle, my new broken lawn mower, and not working for a few days. I'm totally fine with my car making new noises when I just spent over a thousand dollars to fix it, as my computer crashed, and my phone decided to quit on me.....leaving me with no communication for days because I made the healthiest decision to temporarily cut social media out of my life for 30 days. These are just a few issues I've been facing in the physical realm, I won't drag you into the drama of my personal life...saving that juice for the book. It amazes me how much I love people, how much I want to help others, solve problems, and see lives improved, yet sometimes we must figure out that we individually need to work on ourselves. God has funny ways of pointing that out as well, hence the sprained ankles and non-communication. I have had to ASK others to help me. Some not hapi about it and others that don't mind. Its so humbling to be in a state where you can't do anything on your own. I don't like how I'm learning ALL my weaknesses, ego, and where I have placed my value. The negative thoughts like: "I'm not good enough", "failure", "I'll never amount to anything", manifest from a much deeper place. This is a painful place to be but, I am growing and growth is not easy, just watch a lotus flower stem up through the mud and mire. Sometimes we have to search much deeper within rather than the way things appear. I long to make things easier for others, yet must I continue to suffer or shall I choose the path of joy and take time out to heal(addressing the underlying wounds that eventually cause more damage than good).....just like my ankles that require Rest, Ice, Compression, and Elevation. RICE is for everyone: mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically, and financially. That is another blog for another day! It all boils down to this- Healing brings growth, growth brings restoration, restoration brings health, and health offers a place where we can live in joy. Ever notice how health host the word heal? Take time to heal, so that you can be the best and strongest version of yourself possible. Asking for help along the way is a GOOD thing(I keep telling myself this).

Waiting....

I will stay here and wait for you. I will rest my head upon the sand as I watch the waves wash over the footprints of those that claimed promises never kept. I let go....as I see them disappear. Water is healing, see how the rain brings life and washes over the earth. It is refreshing and nourishes everything it touches. My soul longs for this restoration, it needs comfort and a place to plant roots. Yet, all I've ever known from humans is the pain of being picked up as if a flower, admired for a few minutes then tossed back to the ground to be trampled upon. This is how I have come to the conclusion that we can not seek everlasting peace or experience complete acceptance here on earth. People will disappoint you, leave you, use you, curse you, manipulate you, hurt you, lie to you, and God knows what else. So, who am I waiting for? The only one that loves me of course, who sees me for who I truly am and still pursues me. I am never alone, through every storm, every trial, every time I fall down....he is here with me. I will sing, worship, give my heart, lay my life down because HE IS WORTHY! He created me and reigns forever, I love him and WAIT for him. He is the only one that continues to hold me together through it all. This hope is my strength and my joy. Nothing can separate me from his love. I fear nothing because fear alone is False Evidence Appearing Real. The tangible is temporary. Isn't it amazing that the first breathe we take coming into this world is an inhale, receiving life, and the last breathe we take dying is an exhale, giving life. Closing note: I no longer live in fear, I no longer feel your painful words or attempts of humiliation because I AM worthy, I AM strong. I AM NOT AFRAID! I see glory that this world has no clue about, I long to be where I belong and look upon the face that I love. To stay in the presence of God is the biggest adventure of all.

Breaking free

This heart is pounding, this spirit is bursting, beyond the walls of this temple, freedom to soar past the physical, into the unknown....as if it comforts me! No longer able to be held back, stepping into the true nature of my entire being. I've never felt so compelled to taste this irresistible space.

Life or voo doo?

You wouldn't believe me if I told you. Does that sound familiar? Although we hear that line in movies, it rings true in all our lives.  I think my therapist is the only person that believes me when I tell him what happens to me on the daily. People in the past have told me: "It's just life Kara", "You're doing something wrong", " What is it now? You expect me to believe that?" "Get over it Kara, it's all in your head." "You are creating this because we create our own reality." "You're drama! And I don't do drama!" Sounds harsh, right?
I will say this, if I'm creating what goes down on the daily....I AM one fu$#ed up reality show hostess! Falling down my brick stairs taking boxes to a friend, brand new lawn mower breaking, my year old car needing $1088.00 worth in repairs to make it safe to drive again(after already replacing this 2011 car's alternator & battery less than 6 months ago), my computer crashing, phone breaking, court papers served, hitch hiking, stranded to sleeping in my car, sprained ankle, bicycle accident tearing up my other leg, and ALL that happening within the past week. For some reason I have constant adversity and legit reasons to justify a mental breakdown. If I leave an hour early to be on time, you betcha the whole closet is going to fall on my head, road construction happening on the route I take, and someone pulls out in front of me causing my coffee to decorate the whole front end of my car(true story, can't make this stuff up)! Is it really just my luck, or has someone created a Kara voodoo doll to torture my reality? I'm sure those with cancer, people in abusive situations, those living paycheck to paycheck feel the same way asking: 'will it ever get better?'  I may have spent the past six years living through a custody battle from hell, losing my best friend to cancer, dealing with childhood trauma(molestation), learned to walk away from verbal abuse, raise 4 children alone, been homeless, and God forbid I share more......yet I keep on keeping on! I wake up determined to be covered in joy! Not because someone told me to, yet because I CAN and I CHOOSE to. Don't get me wrong, the counselors I've been to  over the years, have told me "Most people would not be able to handle what you've lived through, they would have given up." So, instead of giving up, I have written a book, worked five jobs at one time, opened a yoga studio, created amazing memories with my children, help build a team of amazing people in Network Marketing, and fulfill my life long dream of visiting Africa. It hasn't been easy, yet I didn't do it alone. God has surrounded me with incredible people. Life is not guaranteed to be perfect or easy, we are only born with an opportunity to do our best no matter the mess we may have been thrusted into. Learning how to love through the mud and mire, unveiling gratitude instead of having an attitude, discovering that we can be the change and not the derranged. No matter what happens, understand that we all have battles to conquer. My challenge to you is to be positive by choosing victory through kindness, patience, love, gentleness, joy, peace, and realizing it starts with you. We have this incredible gift of intuition when we are born, knowing what we were born to do. Let's get back to being kids again, because when you're a kid and fall down, you get right back up.

Scripture....

Tonight, the kids & I were reading the book of Mark in the Bible. Mark 2:17 always stands out quoting:
'When Jesus heard that, he said to them, "Healthy people don't need a doctor; those who are sick do. I've come to call sinners, not people who think they have God's approval."

I relate to this scripture so much. I don't do well hanging out with those that feel they have God's approval or appear to have it all together, they believe they have the right to scream at others because they don't have control over them, or treat me as if I will never live up to their standards and must earn their respect.... They forget people are human, that ADHD, ADD, any minor or major mental challenges exist. Life doesn't come with a trailer(preview button). We can't predict what will happen or the crazy misfortunes that will occur. There are those that have limited minds, they can't see past their own suffering & pain. They project their anger and guilt onto others, justifying their poor decisions & actions. This doesn't settle well with me at all, so I choose boundaries. I only open up to those that admit their flaws, share their weaknesses, and don't wear mask. Many do not know they are sick, as they bleed all over everyone else's beds. Jesus came to heal, when we are ready, he will.

My dad

Listening to one of your favorite songs, I never understood the lyrics until I got older. Now, it just makes me smile because it's all about life. So much transitioning in my spirit has been happening, I really don't know what you would say to me if you were still around. I just know you believed in me more than anyone in my entire life. I miss your humor, I miss your wisdom, I miss your prayers before we would eat, i miss you. Your heart was not just tender and full of compassion for people, you were so loyal and brave. Death never heals, it only reminds us that we are temporary and the moments we have are precious. We can live impacting those around us with love or we can choose to inflict suffering & pain. Daddy, thank you for being my favorite teacher of all time. I can't wait to see you again. God used you to show me how to unconditionally love, laugh as much as possible, and always choose kindness. Nope, you weren't perfect and had flaws, but that only made you more influential because it amplified that you were human & shared how it's only by God's grace we are here. I love you.

Keeping Silent

Life: full of possibilities; we are given so much and have the choice to live in captivity or freedom. I completely agree with Forest Gump's statement: "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get." Every time I hear that quote I smile. It's true. We don't necessarily like every flavor we might bite into yet, how we react is all on us.

I am constantly in awe of nature, how peaceful it is, how beautiful it is, how it calms me to just walk outside and either feel the sun's warmth on my skin or hear the rhythm of the rain. No matter the circumstances that have hit me in life, I've learned to be brave. I'm still learning to not spit the chocolate that I don't prefer out in disgust or react as a toddler pitching a fit when it's not the one I want.

Today, I was struggling to see the silver lining.
My very best friend wrote a letter for me, I need character witnesses and she stepped up to the plate. As I read it the tears streamed down my face. We sometimes have no idea how others see us, and when they capture it and put it down on ink it seems to always humble our hearts. Knowing that there are people willing to stand behind you and fight for you, takes my breath away. We are so used to hearing the negative or having others point out our flaws, it baffles our minds when truth occurs. Reading her sweet words stirred so much love within my soul, I wanted to randomly tell others how I felt about them and what I admire in them as an individual. SO, I promise from this day forward to not hold back, I solemnly swear to honor others light, I want to remind them of why they shine. Keeping silent is not an option anymore. Joy is my name and freedom is here to declare as our right. I am not afraid, I am not alone, I choose life by choosing love through caring and serving. When I am being stripped of everything that this world has, it doesn't phase me anymore. I have been crushed, I have been torn, I have been raped, I have been told lies that I am not enough and never will be.....yet now I know the truth and have all that I need. I AM MORE THAN A CONQUERER!

"This world has nothing for me and this world has everything. All that I could want and nothing that I need."

Words spoken

I miss you. I saw something that reminded me of you today, I held back the tears until now....this moment late at night where there isn't anyone to see my sadness. If I could just hold you right now, squeeze my arms around you. Letting my presence alone release comfort. My first instinct would be to protect you, steal you away, so that you wouldn't suffer the heartache. The pain people live in and don't know how to manage so, they cast upon you. You assume it's you, yet it's not, it's them. Because they were shamed & domesticated like dogs, that's all they know. I worry you won't survive, but I keep praying. I stay determined that this too shall pass. You are so sensitive, so awake and aware, I too have been there. My love for you will never fade, I'm here, waiting for when you finally have had enough. When you are ready to be free from the violence and learn how to walk in your gift, come find me so I may anoint you.

My heart's perfume

I'm going to waste it all on you, pour my heart's perfume.....don't care if I'm called a fool, I love you. If I surrender, I rest easy in my fathers arms & trust this too shall pass. There is nothing like daddy's embrace, believing he's the same yesterday, today, & forever. My soul cries out, tender for the voice of my Savior. It's by his grace I am clothed in splendor & may hold my head high. There is nothing this world or anyone in it can do to separate me from this infinite love he has lavished upon me. Priceless is my name, for I am my father's daughter. He is the keeper of my wings that I use to soar above these trials & broken bones.

30 days

 Today marks day 30 of my "Love like there's no tomorrow" journey. I think I've literally fallen in love. My heart feels so full, my mind is as if it's brand new, and my outlook on life has completely changed. I am no longer the person I once was. I can't stop smiling, everything I see is with new eyes, and people are so beautiful. I needed this challenge, I needed a new perspective. Choosing love over every other emotion isn't the easiest when dealing with the circumstances of life, yet it is ALWAYS an option. There is freedom in love, there is peace, there is comfort, and there is the source of our very existence.....our Creator. I dare you to try it, to dive in to complete, limitless love! The only backfire will be being drenched in it by everyone & everything that surrounds you. Your energy will transform into nothing but success, your understanding will grow deeper than the ocean, and your heart will be a bottomless dish of secret sauce that everyone wants to dip into. Trust me on this, it's beyond worth it. Choose love, every second....

Day 18-21

As the days pass I find myself more invested in the people I'm with rather than social media. I want to soak up every second. I watched a comedian compare someone ringing your doorbell growing up verses now....although he made it hilarious, it was true and sad at the same time. As a kid we got excited when someone was at the door and everyone in the family ran to it, or if the house phone rang everyone wanted to answer. 2016, if the doorbell rings everyone hides! There is not much else to say, just let that settle.

Taking action is what I feel led to do right now. Finding ways to publish my childrens book, working 110% in the gym and on my yoga mat to accomplish my goals eats daylight hours. The other moments are full of the limited time I have with my loves(children and friends), work, and allowing God to breathe through me. I'm learning to put my phone down more and savor the seconds that make life just that....LIFE! I smell my children's hair, kiss their cheeks, burn candles, read, sing karaoke with the kids, dance in the car at red lights, smile at EVERYONE, talk to strangers and make new friends by cracking jokes, stand outside in the rain, sit in the grass with the sun on my face, drink a warm cup of tea, and pray I never lose sight of how sweet this love is that the Lord has lavished upon me. Some days are easier than others, yet I keep reminding myself to be kind. Which there are several occasions I fail to do so. Yet, I know I want my life to be one that leaves a message of giving through kindness and laughter, a life that looked back upon refused to be selfish. May others feel lifted up when I am in their presence, because honestly, why are we here? To give the light that we have been given and create more access to visual beauty; or take it...causing more darkness to cover the earth so that we can't see anything, bruising and stubbing our toes from running into objects due to the absence of light. We have a choice, we can be light, or not.

Days 10-17

There is something about laser tag that activates my competitive side. It was probably my favorite activity the kids and I did over their spring break. We had to work together as a team; protecting, warning, guarding, directing, guiding, listening, encouraging, and looking out for each other. It reminded me that being a family, working together as one unit, is the greatest adventure of all.
The kids went back to their dad's Sunday and I was left alone in an empty house. I didn't want to stay there, most the time I don't mind, yet that evening I did. I joined a friend at the gym and then we celebrated our hard work with a drink. I dreaded the return to my empty nest so much that I text a friend to ask if I could stay at their place. Grateful again for beautiful friends.
Monday evening I was more than pleased to lock myself in my house and work away alone, catching up on bills and prepping for the week. Indian food with one of my homeslices, homemade coffee with another, time well spent. Then, the rest of the week as Rihanna says, "I worked, worked, worked." My 14 year old had the honor of traveling to NYC with a group from school this week and I was tickled each night he called to unraveled the details of his day.

One moment that stood out this week was a visit I made to the Dollar Tree Store. I was just grabbing a water for the weekly trek I make to the beach, yet something in my spirit told me to grab two. Standing in the checkout lane I randomly grabbed some Slim Jims because I thought "OOOOOH, protein! Perfect snack!" The only thing weird about it was I didn't need them and knew I wouldn't eat them for days. As I left and was sitting at a light there was a man standing with a sign, he was homeless, he was small, and looked pitiful. I rolled my window down and asked him "Do you want some water?" He perked up and excitedly said "Yes!" He dodged around other cars running to my mine and as I gave him the extra water and beef jerky he looked as if he was going to cry. Never doubt what your essence tells you, never question why you do certain things. It's a gift to listen to what our higher power tells us.

Random quotes from the week:

"To live a pure unselfish life, one must count nothing as one's own in the midst of abundance."

I looked up the definition of accountability this week and was led to say:
I'm encouraged, excited, and empowered to know that I don't have anyone to blame for where I am in life. I stand on my own two feet. At the end of the day I am accountable for my own actions that were made. I embrace the mistakes I made, I fully understand that I have to take responsibility for my responses to the circumstances that surround me. I choose to learn from my failures and celebrate in the goals I have achieved. Focusing on what I really want, and insuring my life is not taken for granted. Pursuing every minute as if it is my last. Today, and every day, I hold myself accountable to transform myself into the best version of me possible.

"If you're serious about changing your life, you'll find a way, if not, you'll find an excuse."

Why I take care of my body: physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, & financially....

"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies."
-1 Corinthians 6:19

Day 9

Yesterday, was day 9 of my 30 day live/love like there is no tomorrow. It was a pretty chill day, me and the kids enjoyed the beach. They surfed and played in the sand, I read a book, we skateboarded, I was tired...
At the end of the night my 14 year old, Andrew, saw my weak eyes. I asked him to bring me my nightly supplements, he did, then he continued to bring me water and my contact case. I was in awe of his service, the kindness he was extending. I asked him "why are you being so kind to me?" His answer was "You tell me all the time to lead by example."
God ushers us beside still waters, he leads us to peace, his love flows beyond the throne. It can't be taken back, the wonders of his grace are sufficiently deeper than the sea. If anyone can love us, its our creator. His kingdom is our freedom, I can't help but long to know Him more and more. When others show me kindness, I don't question why God loves me, I just know He does. I experience emotions such as acceptance and love. Like a child that is comforted with a hug or kiss after having fallen down and scraped their knee.
Kindness, in the Bible, is described as a fruit of the Spirit. Fruit doesn't just appear, the seed is first planted in good soil, watered, nourished by the sun, slowly grows up against the wind, as well as face circumstances such as storms and hard rain. It takes time to fully develop into a juicy, ripe fruit. If picked too early, it taste bitter. Kindness works the same, it is a fruit of our spirit that needs to mature over time. It doesn't just happen. It has to be practiced, fed, nourished, and established through trials of life. I find I have to soak in God's love to understand kindness, in order for me to extend it I must seek it.
The most influential people in my life have been those that are kind. Besides my earthly father, a few that stand out having impacted my heart with beautiful kindness are Alice Prosser Johnson(my sixth grade teacher), Christy Lynch, Jennie and Brian Edwards. They took me in, as I was, and shared kindness. They were fruitful, their kindness was patient and full of a caring heart. Thank you friends for teaching me how priceless kindness is.

Back to Andrew, my middle son, who doesn't like his picture taken or being recognized. He can be so kind, so sweet, and a wonderful brother that any sibling could ask for. He constantly reminds me of my dad, it makes me feel incredibly honored to be called his mother. He has flaws(like all of us), but that is not what I want to focus on. I want to uplift him and encourage him of what he is doing right, as well as correct him using kindness as my foundation. Maybe, one day, he will do the same for his children and plant a seed of kindness like he did this week.

"Maybe our small acts of kindness will be the most significant legacy we leave behind." -Perry Noble

Day 7 & 8

As of this very second I am blasting Carly Simon, classic 1970s artist, through my headphones watching the waves crash onto the shore. I was up at 5:30 getting ready to make the 6am yoga class, which was amazing as always, thank you Dawn(most beautiful yoga instructor ever). Today, I woke up grateful that I have the opportunity to do some of my favorite things this week. Waking up to the ocean, being with my children, doing yoga at my most cherished studio, and having a few minutes to write. I'm in my hapi place. If tears are filling my eyes, they are tears of a full heart. I know what I want most in life when I'm in my hapi place.
Psalm 100 begins with: "Shout for joy to the Lord all the earth." And it ends with: "For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations." JOY, SHOUT for JOY! The earth is already rejoicing, every day it gives a huge round of applause to its creator. The sun rises, the wind moves, the trees reach up towards the sky, the grass and flowers flourish, and the birds of the air sing. As I take notice of the water glistening and washing over the sand, it soothes my body and I am more aware of how peace is ever present, that love truly exist through out the earth. I believe that love is real and nothing can separate us from it. I've watched people in love, how sweet they can be towards each other and how they have each other to hold during hard times. My parents loved each other dearly, my dad was head over heels in love with my momma. He showed me that God is real through his example. God is love and like a blanket his love covers us, making us feel warm and protected....like little kids under the sheets at night imagining the covers will protect us from any danger existing outside of them. My safe and hapi place has grown beyond the sheets, the covers, the blanket, whatever fort or shelter I produced as a child. I have grown to understand His love endures forever and has no boundaries, wherever I go, whatever I do, I have love. From the generations before me and the ones to come, love surpasses them all.

From treetop ropes courses to walks on the beach, swimming pools to ferris wheels, people watching to bird watching, I am content. I am learning that every second is to be taken as it is, present, aware, and grateful to experience it. I love you Lord, I'm ready.

Day 5 & 6.....

Sunday was Easter, I kept it classic and made baskets for the kids. Bubbles, candy, and elastic stretchy bunnies for everyone! I was the first to wake, it was overcast but, waking up to the ocean was still one of the best feelings in the world. We went to church and it was so packed, even though we were early, we had to sit in the overflow room. It rained all day, so we went to a local hotel pool and swam, made grilled cheese sandwiches with soup, and got some yummy hot chocolate at a nearby Starbucks. It might of been raining, yet it was a beautiful day because I was with my favorite people in the world. I am one blessed momma. I choose happiness; it is a choice you know, happiness. Suffering is also a choice, we can choose to live in heaven or live in hell....no matter where we are.

The day after Easter might of been a regular Monday for most, but I started it with yoga. The small studio was packed at 6 am. I felt love as I entered, the vibrations were strong from the surrounding yogis. Non-judgement was real, no conditions. Every time I go to class at Shanti, I remember why I fell in love with yoga in the first place. It's a communion of love, self love, and a selfless love that shows us how to embrace others. The rest of the day was so amazing out! The sun was shining, the sand was warm, and the view took my breath away. Every wave that crashed expanding over the sand was a direct reflection of my heart growing radiantly over my body. This is what the beauty of the sea does to me, fills me up with an endless supply of perception. It is why it is the only love I have ever experienced besides the agape love I have with my children.

By the end of the day I realized how amazingly content I am, sharing this post with my FB friends:

I've struggled my whole life with body image, today my kids, their friends & I were laughing. One was snap-chatting me, I used to care what the outcome of the picture looked like. Today, I was in my zone, my Hapi place, so I didn't care what the outcome was. I was just Hapi, my heart was content, being by the ocean with my favorite people in the world. This picture captures that. It also reminds me of my dad & sister, how we all laugh, how we are family. I love this picture because it's me in a moment of pure giddiness, joy is real and I want to live there.

Day 4

Saturday could not have started off better! My 14 year old woke to tell me he was joining me at the gym! My heart fluttered and skipped. We laughed, as he realized his 40 year old mother was showing him up, and I was more than grateful to show him how to properly work out. Then we ran some errands, hit the grocery store, and packed for our vaca to the beach. THE BEACH, THE OCEAN, its my forever sanctuary. The water calls to me, it makes me feel everything at once. I can not get enough of it! I love the seaside and how I feel when I'm listening to the waves laying on the sand with my feet bare, hair down, and the sun warming my entire body. I'm so proud to call my children my own. There is no place I would rather be than here with my loves.

Day 3

Friday was Day 3 of Love like there is no tomorrow(originally live, read previous post), I hit the ground running! Woke early to fit a 2 mile sprint in, had a blast with one of my personal training clients, got a new Tuesday gig at a local spot in town, had a new massage client, scarfed some nutrition down, ran to another training client, then watched the awesome new Disney movie 'ZooTopia' with the kids and friends! It really tickled my fancy. I highly recommend it. The cute little bunny in the movie made me laugh when she was told to give 100 parking tickets in a day, she said "I'll do 200, by noon!" She made it happen, one of the youngsters looked at me and said: "that's you!" What really made my day was towards the end when I got to pray with the kiddos. I cherish these moments with them. Family and friends, its what I am coming to realize that is what I value most. I'm reconnecting with old and making new. Loving fiercely and not denying how deeply and richly it can be done. Love on my brothers and sistas!

Day 2

You know how you make a decision to do something and it seems like confirmation happens through different venues in your life, random pop ups of "coincidences". For instance, today AND yesterday Tim McGraw's song: "Live like you were dying" came on the radio while I was driving, two totally different stations at different times in the day as well as different cities. Just sayin....
I woke up excited today, started calling and texting people to tell them how they have blessed me and why they are important to me. It truly is an honor to have the people we have in our lives, don't ever miss out on letting them know. You never know when someone's time is up. I want to see everyone I speak or see to grin from ear to ear. Smiles are contagious, they make for less stress.
When I arrived at work, my first client hands me this gift. The cute bag had: a pink turban(she saw me previously wear a shirt wrapped around my head one day that looked like a turban), a card, a devotional, a cute tank top, and homemade cookies! WHAT did I do to deserve this??? I felt spoiled, like a kid that won a prize. Judith ALWAYS makes me smile.
On my lunch break I decided to walk down to the beach to sit and take time out to breathe. I am forever taking my shoes off and feeling the sand between my toes then I lay down to dirty my hair.
As I'm walking I notice a couple, facing each other, the woman in a white dress and another man standing in front of them, it was a WEDDING! This couple was getting married, someone was taking pictures and this moment was priceless. I was honored to witness such a beautiful site. Marriage represents love, love is God whom is patient, kind, forgiving, and gentle. To understand how two become one, it goes beyond the physical, its spiritual and emotional. To cherish another human being to the point of being selfless is what its all about, love. Jesus died on the cross because of love.

Just to breathe is enough.
It gives us pleasure to fulfill any need of the body.
To be alive is enough.
The pleasure of the feeling of love.
Help me to be like you are, Lord.

To love life, to be life, to be love.
Help us to love the way you love with no conditions, no expectations, no obligations, without any judgment. Help us to love and accept ourselves without any judgment because when we judge ourselves, we find ourselves guilty, and we feel the need to be punished. Help us to love everything you create unconditionally.....including ourselves.

On my walk back to work, God showed me a memory of my childhood: a bed of white clovers. I knelt down to brush my hands over them, hoping to capture the smell in my skin. I remembered rolling in the grass as a child and picking the weeds. I searched for four leaf clovers and always found one amongst the crowd. In that second I glanced and picked one up! How sweet the creator of life made me feel in that moment. I picked the dandelion mixed into the bed of clover, blew all the seeds off and made a wish. As I stood up, there was a tree with its branches that took me right back to 530 Yale Place in Shreveport, Louisiana. 34 years later and I could smell it. Day 2, and I was right back to being 6 years old.

Day 1 of 30

 So, hopefully by now, you are used to my honesty. I really didn't want to write about yesterday. I was struggling & felt like one big ball of emotional shit. Every minute was a challenge to see the positive. When I decided to step outside of myself and ask others questions, it was then that I started to understand my worth. I asked my personal training client many questions about her and what's going on in her life. I worked out alongside her. Afterwards, I went for a 3 mile run, THEN worked out AGAIN with one of my dearest friends. Towards the end of the day I had an unexpected massage client. She was the sweetest & I was thankful she showed up. 8pm rolled around & my youngest son had a baseball game, I just wanted to crawl into bed to get rid of a headache and escape my body's exhaustion. Instead, I jumped into my car & headed to the baseball field. A friend was there & he didn't know it, but it made my day shift from challenging to full of grace. After spending time watching my son play, & begging me to spend the night at my house....I reflected on how thankful I am to be surrounded by beautiful people. Day 1 of "live like there is no tomorrow" turned into "love like there is no tomorrow".

Last day to live...

Over the next 30 days, I am going to live them as if they are my last....

How would you live your life differently if you were told you only had 30 days to live? Would you act differently towards others? Where would you go? Who would you spend your time with? This is an experiment, this is a personal challenge that pushes me to choose joy no matter what. It is my goal to leave a positive impact that hopefully will have a ripple effect. I will be logging in at the end of every day on here to report back what all I did and any interesting findings. 

Peace, love, and pixie dust, 

Kara

Why wait for pain to make a change?

I just left a beautiful yoga class, when it began I was sitting Indian style listening to the teacher. Her voice was soothing, the room was small, and smelled like incense. It was very intimate, only 3 students and the teacher. I started thinking of some issues I've been having health wise and then my mind redirected to my children. My eyes began to get teary, my heart started to flutter. My thoughts focused on wanting to spend as much time with them as possible. I felt inclined to cover them in love, encourage them to be love towards others, oh how I cherish them and our moments together. I had to let go of that moment and became aware of being present. I started to breathe. I experienced some sort of relinquishment, my knees stopped hurting, my face was light, and my body was warm. Why does it take hard times or scary health threats for so many humans to wake up? To not be cruel towards others, to offer help, and to have compassion.... What will it take for love to explode from within the soul? The trauma from childhood or life lessons to finally be healed and the movement of restoration to have its full effect upon the spirit. Everyone hurts, yet we continue to lash out our pain, projecting our own shortcomings and insecurities? Have we not evolved enough over time to stop, meditate, and follow through with progress? My mind is still, my heart is full, my body is yet a temple. It boils down to a choice: bondage or liberation. Be careful to not live in bondage of a broken heart or spirit, casting anguish. I want to live aloud in sweet beauty breaking curses and setting people free. Kindness, gentleness, patience, forgiveness; these are keys to unconditional love, to victory, to hosting energy that will change the world -one life at a time.

I'm not merely flesh and bone
I was made for something more
You are God, you're the great I am
Breath of life, I breathe you in
Even in the fire, I'm alive in you
You are strong in my brokenness
Sovereign over every step
Even in the fire, I'm alive, I'm alive in you

 1 Corinthians chapter 13 is worth a read.

A note to my love....

One day, I'll have the chance to spoil you my love. I will be the biggest goofball and you will know my heart more than anyone else. How incredibly big it is, 💖 you will get to see how truly beautiful I am. I will let you see all of me and you will feel so incredibly loved. I won't hold back, the laughs, the smiles, the tears, the pain, the joy, the snuggles, the poetry, the words. You will be full and my heart will only be yours. Love, such an incredible gift, not everyone knows how to be completely naked(mentally, spiritually, physically, emotionally). A day will come my love, you will have me and I you. Until then, I wait. As I wait, I prepare by becoming stronger, wiser, and ready. This heart is not faint, this mind is not weak, this soul is not easily shaken, I am being made whole. Love, when it's time, we will be one.

Me....complex, nah

Someone recently told me that I was complex. That whoever snatched me up would be lucky. I've been told I have dry humor and I'm pretty. These things are great, yet I know who I am. Being silly, goofy, and cracking smiles is a huge part of me. Yet, I also excogitate, contemplate, meditate, and hide in my room or outside in mother nature to explore the limitless life force. Creating space for love with passion and drive is a common thread knitted within my soul. I don't like to put things in boxes, there is so much more to me than what I do or where I go. The inordinateness in me is not afraid to stand out. The self-discovery journey for me has included laughter, tears, growth, pain, love, hope, and words that can not be expressed by mere language. I can only ask that it never ends as I physically reside on this planet, may each day begin with the spirit of living.

When your best isn't good enough...

Sometimes, you give your best and it isn't good enough. So, why bother right? Because we never know what is in store, what tomorrow might bring.
At times, I wonder how is it that, no matter how much I cry out to God about a certain circumstance in my life, it hasn't changed. I've grown, I've changed, I've learn to let shit go. And still sometimes, the things we love most are stripped from us. We don't understand why but, it happens.
There will always be people hurting so they inflict pain onto others, we shouldn't take it personal yet, it can feel unbearable. Not bearing the burden is easier said than done. I have no answers, just a heavy heart. I keep on trekking because that is what we are taught to do, to be silent, to not show emotion because it is seen as weakness or crazy.

There is a song I remember hearing Amy Grant sing when I was younger, the lyrics so candid....
It's a cold, cold world that we're walking through
Lay down the burden of your heart
But, it's warm as toast, walking two by two
Lay down the burden of your heart

Good night world, you constantly test me and I just want to say what I feel at times: "fuck off!"
Oops, I said what I thought, how 'bout them apples?

It's ok to be hapi....

Kleenex, I ALWAYS make sure to have a box in my house. You never know if someone might sneeze, get sick, have a runny nose, or let out tears that no longer belong within them. This morning after I took kids to school I was planning on working, making phone calls, texting, setting up appointments, making business proposals, you get my drift. When I walked into my office/bedroom/yoga room I sat down on a green yoga mat my mother bought from me when I owned a yoga studio 5 years prior. I borrowed it and realized how much I enjoyed practicing on it, haven't given it back since. So, yes, I stole my mom's yoga mat.
As I began sorting through some papers, then glance over social media, I stopped and closed my computer. Tears rolled down my face as I spoke out loud to God. My mind decided it wanted healing, my soul declared justice, and my body was done with the shackles. Today my vessel was telling me to take the time to process, so it could experience complete joy. For so long I believed I was just a strong stubborn woman, never asking for help because I was totally capable. Yet, that wasn't true, I was scared. I was fearful of being taken advantage of again, or being hurt by someone that I trusted. The walls I built up since I was 3-5 years old are starting to shake as if an earthquake is occurring. The time is now to heal from not only the pain, yet the interpretations I set throughout my life from the damage that came about at such a young age. For too long I perceived that I was unworthy, or I didn't deserve happiness, my comprehension was that of shame, disgrace, and concealing my true self because no one would accept me. All of this because someone wasn't whole, his conclusion was to prey upon innocent children. I do not blame him nor hold resentment towards him, that would only poison me and continue to disrupt my course of existence. I meant what I said in a previous post, "I choose to forgive, so that I might live." In this moment I take action, one that tells that little girl from my youth: "It's okay to be hapi, you were submitting to authority, you didn't know. YOU ARE SO WORTHY! God made you beautiful and you don't have to hide that." Now, I need another box of Kleenex.

Rest easy, have no fear
I love you perfectly and perfect love drives out fear
I'll take your burden, you take my grace
Rest easy in my embrace

Read 1 John 4:4-21

Sit in silence

Sitting at my kitchen table, waiting for children to get up and eat the biscuits and beautiful display of colorful fruit I have laid out for them. The door is open, the window shade is up, and I am sitting here. I am writing thank you cards and my heart is heavy. I am yearning to master this whole setting my intentions lifestyle. To wake up with purpose, with an intention to live focused on accomplishing certain goals. At times I feel distracted or frustrated. So, sitting still is where I decide to start. Allowing myself to just breathe in and breathe out, feeling the sun on my face, the warm coffee mug in my hands, gathering my thoughts so that I might release them for the day ahead of me. Confusion isn't peaceful, chaos isn't soothing, yet when those moments come I can be prepared.
I start simple, with love. For love is how so many of the great teachers before me lead. They chose love, which drew others to them. Jesus, Mother Teresa, my grandmother, so many. Jesus gave up his life for us, he offered his body as a sacrifice, Mother Teresa contributed her life to see others have a home, my grandmother got up every morning to feed her family and worked hard to provide for them as she became this huge heart for others to console with. Think about it, as parents we begin with love. As soon as our babies are born we hold them, kiss them, care for them. I have to remember this daily because I fall short at times. Reading scripture such as 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 fill my mind with affirmation, reminding me love is always possible. My intentions for this day, are to set it off with love. If I fail, I start again, I refresh my mind to the morning sitting in silence, pondering on the leaders that succeeded before me. It is possible to walk every day in love. When the teenagers are being teens, I recall holding them when infants in my arms. When I think my purpose isn't being fulfilled, I make a decision to honor someone else by reaching out a helping hand or write a thank you note just because.

1 Corinthians 13:1-3
"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing."

Every day I have to make a decision, I choose to forgive so that I might live.

It's midnight and I am curled up into a ball on my hard wood floor in my room in front of my little heater. I'm crying, yet no one can hear me. I had a flashback, its painful. I don't want anyone to hear me crying, even though I am home alone. I suddenly remember why I don't like attention at times, I don't want anyone to see me.
Earlier I was at the gym and only guys were there, usually no one speaks to me, tonight was different. Guys kept coming up to me and trying to start a conversation, I just wanted to work out. I started to feel uncomfortable, I had to leave, as I did I was stopped again. They weren't bad people, they just didn't know what I've been through and how my childhood trauma was regurgitating at that moment.
I wish it would go away, that I wouldn't be able to remember anything, yet it comes and goes making me feel like I need to run and hide. When this happens I feel so unworthy, I feel like I've done something bad, that I can't wash away how dirty I feel. I have no idea why I am finally writing about this, maybe it will help someone else that is going through it as well.
It doesn't feel like healing, yet I know it will eventually. Sometimes, I just have to remember to breathe. This moment will pass, and my past is not who I am. I refuse to let my subconscious continue to sabotage my future, my success. Breathe in, breathe out, stand up, fight back, and don't forget to smile. I am not ruled by my emotions, they can only offer temporary sorrow or joy. I recognize them and dig deep, understanding there is an underlying personal battle I must overcome. I am grateful for this wisdom and hold on to the hope of God's promises. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” -Proverbs‬ ‭3:5-6‬

Every day I have to make a decision, I choose to forgive so that I might live.

Some days I write so much I don't remember half of what I wrote. A week or two ago I made a commitment to write every day and blog once a week. Dedication is knowing what you want and going after it. I am a writer and love it, so every day I will pursue writing, by dedicating time to write in order to become better. Below is one of my recent FB post, choosing to live.....

There are some mornings I don't want to get out of bed, but HOW will that get me to my goals???? I get up & start moving, setting intentions that will make my day better than the one before. I set visions of what I will achieve & how I will do it. 
Yesterday morning I woke up remembering a dream I had, I was practicing yoga with a friend & did a back bend pose so deep I touched my feet to my head!!!! It was so vivid I felt like it was really happening, I woke up as if I did it. An incredible sense of achievement washed over me. Now, it's all I think about.
When we set our minds on the things we want to do & create space for them, it can be done. Limitations become challenges, challenges become daily practice, practice becomes mastery. Mastery is great skillfulness and knowledge, a power to dominate or defeat.
Set your intentions wisely today, be so conscious of what you desire that it springs forth into reality & you master it.😘

"When life hands you shit, fertilize a garden."

I'm reading my best friend's, since 7th grade, book titled: 'The Sense About Madness'. It is one of the most well written books I've ever read. It is a raw look at child abuse, sexual violence, and mental illness. I recommend it not just for those that have walked through any similar experience, and not just for those that have loved ones dealing with the above yet, I recommend it to EVERYONE. Alyssa's strength and amazing insight baffles my soul. I have always been honored to be her friend, and now fully understand why God had us link arms. I am posting a link below where you can purchase it for $10.  
Reading this book really hits home for me. Alyssa is married and has been through hell and back dealing with a childhood trauma. Reading how she allowed herself to be open to love, discover a man that loves her and stands by her through it all ripped a worn out, dirty, infected band aid off my severed, bruised heart. I thought for so long that I could cover up my wounds with bandages as if no one would notice. Abuse is real, childhood trauma is real. Too often innocence is stripped away from precious little ones leaving them to feel as if they are unwanted and uncontrollable damaged goods. Lost in life and fighting to breath, I know this because it happened to me. I pretended to remember growing up when my family got together and laughed about old times, yet my mind blocked out most of my childhood. I am not sure if it was a coping mechanism or a way the brain works to protect us from trauma, but I win the award for childhood amnesia. Flashbacks started occurring in my 30s, as they did, I really didn't want to remember. Unfortunelty, statistics state that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually abused before they turn 18. How has this affected me? Well, it sure as hell didn't help me learn to establish healthy relationships, aka....the big D- Divorce. Before I married in 1999, I hated men. Didn't matter if they were a good guy or not. Only person I trusted was my dad. Marrying so young was not in my best interest. He wasn't patient, kind, or understanding. He was just your typical 23 year old self absorbed dude, just as I was the typical 23 year old hot-tempered, thought I'd "fallen in love" girl. It was miserable, over the course of 10 years I came out of that marriage more confused and verbally torn down as a human being than ever before.

"When life hands you shit, fertilize a garden." -Alyssa K. Vine Hodge

I never let my husband of my youth in, how could I? I unconsciously blamed my predator from my past, deciding the walls that I put up were going to protect me. What I didn't know then was by doing that I only attracted more predators. This is deep, I have to take a break now......maybe more later? I have a garden to tend to. Need healing, understanding, or just an amazing read? Here you go:

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2FThe-Sense-About-Madness-Violence%2Fdp%2F0692482261&h=EAQGUL82Z

What are you afraid of.......(warning: strong language and rabbit trail rantings)

What drives you? What drives me? Damn I wish I knew, the more I don't fulfill what I was put on this earth to do....the more complacent I become. Every day I lose more and more momentum of the truth that supposedly resides within me. I work hard to focus, yet do you know what a freaking challenge it is for someone like me to leave my house? This ADHD with OCD chic knows the struggle is fer real! I can easily get entangled into one of my stories, of a book I'm working on, starting from the end working towards the beginning.....seriously. I might get excited about a song I'm listening to so, I HAVE to get up and dance! This isn't a cycle, because I either decide to be completely threaded into the creation of whatever it is that I'm working on and forget food can be energy, OR I end up SO hungry that all I do is eat and watch old SNL clips, as I crunch and munch. Another wonderful piece of me is how EVERYTHING has to be in its place before I walk out the door, this drives my kids cray cray. I don't blame them, I frustrate myself by not arriving on time to certain events as well as always burning something while I make breakfast, lunch, or dinner. It is only by God's grace my house hasn't burned down from me forgetting the oven is on. My kids are better cooks than me, unless its baking birthday cakes, I ROCK those! Perhaps its due to the fact that I have four kids which gave me so much practice(a birthday for every season).

Alright already, here goes what I'm really writing about this fresh February evening. BTW, I'm FREEZING! Less body fat got me like an old person's teeth chattering during an earthquake. I wanted to address some ridiculous comments that have come from the fact that I dated younger men over the past few years. One, it is my choice so, your opinion isn't necessary. Two, you do you, I'll do me. Three, IF YOU EVER READ the BIBLE....age between most of the couples were NOT even close(10, 20, 30, 40 years apart, ewe, haha). Finally, that is your stump, not mine, so shut up and stop trying to convince me otherwise. I like younger men, its not a big deal. I'm super athletic and lots of people have a difficult time keeping up with me, even my own children. Old dudes creep me out, being molested as a little girl by an old man doesn't justify anything, but it also doesn't help. 

Dead silence, was that too much? Oh well, such is life. Shit happens, but even better...JOY is tangible. What am I afraid of? I am trying to figure it out. In the meantime, I seek joy. I get really tickled about the little things, you know, when the line at the grocery store is empty, when a friend calls you to say 'hello', or how about when you fill up the car with gas and its super cheap, waving to people walking on the side of the road, watching little kids faces light up when they get dessert, laughing -anytime this occurs- its awesome(just saying), and smelling the ocean. I get thrilled easily, I don't need a roller coaster or alcohol, because there are so many beautiful moments in life to acknowledge. Grasp on to the precious seconds now, tomorrow may be too late. Let nothing stop you from seeing the little sparkles that make the corners of your mouth 'turnt' up. Tell fear to go back to where it came from, hell, because that is where it belongs and not inside of us.   

Screw it, this is me....

Apparently, Thursdays are my writing days....I woke up, took the kids to school, planned on getting things done to find myself sitting in front of this damn computer that won't let me leave my bed. (Warning, strong language will be written.) I sit here contemplating if I should really write the things that my whole being screams or walk away and find some busy work to tend to. Screw it, this is me: Kara Christine Adams, aka raw to real writer, kick ass yogi, mother to 4 kick ass witty kids that have an amazing panoramic view towards life, personal trainer who will push you to your limits, author, entrepreneur, and one of the best massage therapist(healer) in the Pee Dee. It has taken me 20 years to say that out loud, my ego has been so fucked up all my life. Not conceiving that I was good enough. It was ridiculously silly of me to believe others perception of their own reality and NOT my own. The beauty of life is that we each get our own say on how we will live it. Fearfully and wonderfully created on purpose, every life is a gift that brings something to the table that no one else can on this earth. We should take joy in that alone. There is only one you, so live it as you uniquely were made to live it.

Guess what? On Mondays I trade massages with a friend, a really beautiful soul. It is one of the best decisions I make every week, a conscious choice to take care of my body, to treat this temple my spirit dwells in with respect. She does a lot of energy work, which can be very healing. This week she reminded me that my heart chakra was heavily guarded(duh, no one is getting in there!), my 3rd eye was fogged up(total stress from being a busy bee), and my throat chakra was not being vocal(not normal for this outspoken ladybug). Hearing that, I am taking the plunge to speak out my truth, knowing there will be haters and knowing I will be judged. I fully understanding that those that are not happy with themselves will find it fair to knock me down, point fingers, and attempt to dump their misery on me. I will not take it personal, because THAT is what I did in the past. With that out of the way, here are my truths I can no longer hold back:

I have no sex drive right now, I have completely submitted every area of my life to God and literally have no sex drive. To be clear, it was so strong, crazy strong. Being divorced for 6 years with a super strong sex drive is NOT easy. I struggled and thought to myself "Is this ever going to change?", turned out I just needed to COMPLETELY trust God. Our mind is a powerful tool, when we learn to create healthy habits and feed our minds with good food, knowledge, and using wisdom, then anything is tangible. Mind over matter really does exist! Forcing myself to commit to self development was a task, yet so worth it. What we focus on, we become. Habits can be stopped, negativity can be replaced with positivity, addictions can be broken, and reality is what scripture states: with God all things are possible. -Matthew 19:26. Faith is the unseen and can be unexplainable. Letting go of this imaginary control mode (where many humans believe they have the power to control the uncontrollable) is key to trusting God, being open to the fact that he wants the best for you and will make that happen is faith building.

Second truth....I have no clue what to do. I have these labels that are somewhat attached to me, yet I sometimes feel lost. The labels are not who I really am, they are just things I do. What am I really passionate about? What do I want to accomplish before death occurs? Am I living my utmost? These questions stalk me at times, not wondering aimlessly around in my head, but seriously pondering in my daily routine. How will this be solved? God, the universe, has already been telling me over and over again what to do. So, here is what I should do and the many confirmations, I opened an email a few days ago that read the following:

'I am releasing you from situations that are no longer beneficial to you.  You will know what I am referring to when you are able to see what causes stress in your life or makes you feel obligated.  I want you to be at peace with yourself, your environment and with Me, says the Lord.  I will show you the way out of places where you feel trapped or entangled.  Galatians 5:1 Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage.'

The following night I woke up to a dream where I saw myself sitting on my bedroom floor praying. I had several papers around me, that had options of what I should do. That morning I got another email:

'Refuse to get stuck in this in-between place of uncertainty.  You do not necessarily have to take giant steps in the face of the unknown, but you can take the next small step while still remaining cautious.  Above all, you can trust Me to give you wisdom and to direct your steps.  You are not alone, says the Lord.  Proverbs 16:9 A man's heart plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps.'

Last night my 15 year old son, out of nowhere started talking about some things, looked at me and said "Mom, you need to pray, ask God what direction you should take. Your whole life is ahead of you, you are young and still can do anything." I was baffled, he had no clue what I'm currently going through or the decisions I need to make. He just was being God's vessel and speaking the truth that was within him to speak. 

This morning I received another email that read:

'To those of you who do not know what to do or what your next step is, you must ask Me for guidance and direction.  And then, wait quietly for My leading, for surely I will move you forward as you yield to My will, says the Lord.  I will show you the way that will result in what is best for you long-term.  Trust Me.  Psalms 32:8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with My eye.'

Now, excuse me as I have some one on one time to tend to with my maker. Catch you next week, I have a feeling this blog thing is going to be a regular pit stop for me.