Beautiful creatures

I lay here in awe of the beautiful creatures that flock to my bed at night. The beauty that radiates from their face and heart.

My application paragraph for a writing mentorship.....

Honestly, I am at a stand still and don't know wtf I want to do anymore. Elephant Journal keeps coming up through various outlets, I've had 3 or more friends mention it and pondered upon it earlier this year. I'm a 41 year old single mother of 4 and have self published a book titled '30 Thoughts from a Christian Yogi', as well as illustrated and written 2 children's books that are a part of a series called 'The Little Yogi'. 'The Little Yogi' series was created to give children the tools they need to cope and heal/conquer any trauma they have experienced. My life lessons of learning non-attachment have occurred through, yet not limited to: missions work around the globe in my youth, losing my father(aka, best friend) to a glioblastoma brain tumor in 2009, divorce, losing a 5 year custody battle, waking up from childhood amnesia to the brutal truth of being molested by my grandfather, homelessness, meditation, and yoga. I'm not ashamed, nor proud of my life, I just want to serve. Through writing this "short and sweet" explanation I do know why I am applying....I want to share my story, so others will know they are not alone. Writing is where I feel most comfortable and permitted to breath easy. My voice shares how passion is our birthright, it stirs to the depths of our souls. Displaying splendor that has been masked for far too long. This physical world is temporary, the essence that creates every individual is worthy of love. The way I see it, if we listen more, to the core of self and each other, progress and growth will be inevitable. We must say “Shhhh” to the noise and embrace the real reason we are here. May we all heal, so that we may all fully live.

I'm ADHD and I know it....

Hi, my name is Kara and I'm ADHD.

I'm like seriously, can I just put this out there? I have NO friggin clue how to contain myself or train myself for that matter. One minute I'm teaching yoga and the next I'm tempted to write a script for a stand up comedy sketch based off my life experiences, especially lately with my attempts to try to have a dating life. Dating in your 40s is NO joke, almost like the thrill you get paying your child support. I'm over here massaging a client complaining about their marriage and giving my expert advice yet, wondering myself how the heck did I end up so lucky? Being single is lucky right? I really don't know what to do with my life. I've tried praying, meditating, pet sitting, complaining, chanting, yet to be honest, writing makes me feel the most accomplished. I think about writing and ideas all throughout the day. Scenarios to stories I make up in my head bounce around until I see something shiny, just kidding, not really. I create YouTube videos, sing mantras, dance in my undies, build furniture, write and illustrate children's books, look into ways to raise awareness against child molestation, teach 10 classes per week, AND STILL CAN'T FOCUS! I forget to fill up my gas tank, wear the same outfit a few days in a row, avoid cleaning anything, listen to the music my parents played as I was growing up, go on social media waaaaaay too much, double dip, and yeah, I eat non-stop if food is put in front of me.

Like I stated in the beginning:

I'm Kara and I have a gift......

ADHD.

Hitting the Lottery....well, mentally

When you work your ass off to pay rent and bills then the test happens of not just one flat tire but, TWO! Ok miracles....I’m trusting, tired, yet trusting. What lessons have uncontrollable moments brought you in life? These moments allow us to notice if we are letting our emotions react. Wether we like it or not, it makes us who we are. I’ve experienced (like most of us) moments of loss and pain that have made me who i am today. I’m grateful for these lessons because it has kept me in tune with compassion. It has made me more aware that I’m not in control of anything except how i react, and how to make the most of any situation....especially finding joy through humor. There is always a solution. 

What’s deep within always manifest, it will either: physically, mentally, spiritually, financially, or socially. What is coming forth, revealing your true nature? Even what seems like the darkest of souls was created in God’s image. Knowing this reminds me how trauma or programmed behavior from years on this earth gives permission for us to love deeper. We live by these things called emotions and feeling, if we were to live by reasoning and logic, we would never accomplish anything worth while. Passion is our birthright, it stirs to the depths of our souls. Displaying splendor that has been masked for far too long. This physical world is temporary, the essence that creates every individual is worthy of love. The way i see it, if we listen more, to the core of self and each other, progress and growth will be inevitable. We must say “Shhhh” to the noise and embrace the real reason we are here. Heal, so that we may fully live.

New blog description.....

As I prepare to launch the Ladybug project next week, I've been changing and updating all my sites online. The Ladybug project will raise awareness towards child molestation. Here is the new description for this blog site, shoot me your thoughts:

Finding joy through suffering. Kara shares her perceptions from child molestation, abuse, death, divorce, parent alienation, homelessness, and how she found joy through the pain. Our old story may not have been by choice, yet our new one is! Author, single mother of 4, yogi that loves God, laughing gangsta, fitness fanatic, and inspirational speaker empowering victims to step into their FREEDOM!

Real Talk...

I'm in bed wearing a free shirt from a church I used to attend. I attempted to stand in front of the mirror naked for a second to do what a book I've been reading told me to do....tell myself, my body "thank you" and really mean it. I ended up crying. Do I even know why? No, I don't. Why must we be our own worst critic? I look at my body and see imperfections, I look at my life and nothing I've done is good enough. Does that mean no one is good enough for me or should I be honest and say what I really feel? That I'm not good enough. Maybe it's the fact that I'm on my period, or maybe I can blame myself for not working out over the past week....what I really want to ask is "Why are so many people miserable and hard on each other? Aren't some of life's circumstances hard enough we don't need to judge others and point out their mistakes? Can we just celebrate and learn to find ways to empower one another through the misunderstandings?" Most people don't make mistakes on purpose, we fall down like a toddler learning to walk. Yet, why are we so much harder on ourselves and others as adults?   I'm tired, most days I can lift and carry the load just enough until I'm ready to surrender. But right now, I just feel like laying here and letting the dirt hit my face til I'm buried deep and made one with the earth. Tomorrow will be different, I'll be bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready to proclaim my victory as if I've already conquered the fears of my past. For just this moment, I will lay here in my shattered glass house, feeling my blood run to the ground as if it was all for nothing.

A Mothers ❤️

After I drop my kids off my heart hurts so deeply I just want to escape. Run into hiding, I know this piece of me no one can soothe. It will never be comforted, there are no words, no substitutes that can replace the 4 parts of my heart that walk around outside my chest. Do you think that is how God feels about us when we make the decision to not have a relationship with him? To not speak or spend time with him? Because this pain is unbearable, it's like my insides have shattered and there is no medication that could ever ease such a crashing. Just for today world, I'm letting you know I am real and I bear my truth through these futile words. Any apology or sympathy is not welcome because this super strong woman of a hero has a kryptonite....and it destroys everything I've ever built.
Most will never know the depths of my love, the loyalty I possess, the heaviness I've taken on to relieve those I consider priceless to my entire being. I keep my distance knowing most cannot handle unconditional acceptance because it's too close to home. Not the temporary homes here on earth yet, our original home. It's the only place I look forward to, and I'll always be ready.

What you take from this is only a reflection of you(not me), so if it makes you sad...why are you really sad? If it disturbs you, what have you done?

Yes, this devastation angers me, I need time to process and live through it. Will I ever be able to open up to anyone again....who knows? All I understand right now is how broken I am. Yet, I know I'm not alone.

Every minute is full of purpose....

Today, was one of those days....you know when you are running from one place to another and time is of the essence. I rushed out of aerial class early to do a massage at a spa, when I arrived I was waiting at the door of the spa and couldn't believe the owner wasn't there yet. I was also wondering "WHERE are the clients?" I noticed the cleaning lady in front of one of the hotel rooms, I sparked up a conversation and she happened to be from Jamaica. I asked her if she had children, she did, a 2 and 6 year old. She then explained they were back home in Jamaica, 4 months out of the year she works in the states. FOUR MONTHS, I tried for my eyes to not get weary and full of tears. She asked me if I had children and then we both had to get back to work. I decided to leave since I hadn't heard from anyone and had another massage at another spa an hour later. When I got to my car I looked at my text, OMG, I WAS AT THE WRONG SPA! Two of the spas I help out at have owners with the same names! I totally fudged on that one, where I was really supposed to be was 2 miles away. I rushed over to the other spa and learned to put different labels for these ladies in my phone, so it won't happen again! I felt so bad about it until I just woke up at 3am understanding what really happened yesterday. The universe, God, (however you want to put it) allowed me to not take notice of the exact person in that text because he knew I needed to meet Dorrine. It didn't matter that the rest of my day was totally thrown off and I arrived perfectly on time and not a minute earlier to everything else I was scheduled for. It was a holy encounter for me to meet Dorrine, the mother from Jamaica. You see ever since my children started staying with their father more I've fought this deep pain of not having them with me as much. Even this past week they were supposed to be with me and because of certain circumstances they didn't come. When Dorrine told me 4 months I could of burst into tears, honestly, ALL week long I almost started crying: when I was teaching yoga, massaging clients, writing and illustrating my new children's book, pumping gas, waking up at 3am....you get the jist. I MISS MY CHILDREN! They are like the blood that is needed to run through my heart, basically giving my heart a reason to beat. So, when Dorrine told me 4 months she was away from her children, my heart ached, I knew an ounce of her pain. I needed Dorrine today, I needed to know I wasn't alone. I was reminded that I must cherish each moment more when my children are with me, I must make sure they know and feel loved immensely. I must be stronger and speak wiser, I must be mindful that every minute away from them makes every minute with them even more dear and full of gratitude. Thank you God, for loving me, my children, Dorrine, and her children. Thank you for yesterday and the days to come. I know each minute is a miracle, every encounter a holy encounter, and my heart is learning to remain grateful(even at 3am).

8 years ago today

8 years ago today was a Saturday. My father was dying, my husband at the time left me, and I was longing to be with my family. Having 4 children between the ages of 3-9 was a heavy load under the circumstances. The stress of losing the most stable person in our lives was weighing on everyone's emotions. Having happy, energetic children that didn't understand the sorrow running around was too much for the family to endure, so I was home letting my children be children. I remember calling and begging my ex to come watch the children, he refused and I will not bother to share where he was or write how his own hurting and anger reflected upon me....because that is his story to tell. I chose to ignore the verbal abuse at the time, I was wrapped in a whirlwind of pain watching my father prepare to leave this world.

Today, I am free to look back and understand that forgiveness offers everything I want. Today, I have accepted this as true. Today, I have received the gifts of God. And today, I am grateful where I stand, able to share my story and not be ashamed.

When everything seems to fall...

Sometimes I feel nothing. Like the air is too much to breath. Then, I come across something, like your old shirt and I instantly start crying. I remember how inspiring you were, how you always pushed through. You never gave up, you saw the best in everyone, and every morning you sought the one that gave us life. You persevered until your last breath. You made light of the darkest of situations, thank you for reminding me that everything will be ok. I miss you. 

Joy Ladybug

This weekend I was a vendor (selling my The Little Yogi books) at a yoga festival in Surf City, NC. Roots of Love yoga festival was an inspiring event raising money for a shelter being built for women in recovery/sobriety. The other vendors and everyone that came by was a beautiful and holy encounter. My youngest was with me and it was amazing having her beside me. As I shared the premises of the Little Yogi series for anyone that approached the table, people found them either intriguing or kept moving right along, yet 2 encounters left me pondering after the fact. 

Aftermath 1: I would mention to everyone how there would be 30 books total, 28 in the making to go alongside the 2 that were available for purchase that day. Some believed that was a bit ambitious, and others would reply "hmmm, ok", but one lady said: "no, you need to make more than that! You HAVE to make than 30." She said it with such sincerity and authority, I never heard anyone challenge me that way before. Who knows, maybe The Little Yogi will reflect its final page where it says "The End, or is it?"

Aftermath 2: As one kind lady asked me how I came up with the idea of The Little Yogi books, then asked me why did I choose a Ladybug for the first book 'Just My Luck'. I thought about it for a second and mentioned how ladybugs have showed up in almost every situation in my life over the past 20 years. The very first time I remember seeing a Ladybug that impacted my life was on a reconciliation walk to Indian reservations throughout the states with a mission organization I was with at the time. The group I was with was having a worship jam session at a campsite we were staying at. As I sang ,I looked down and noticed a red Ladybug climbing up a leaf of grass. When she reached the top her front legs waved towards the heavens as if she was praising God with us. I thought to myself..."wow, even the ladybugs worship God, our King." The scripture that says "Let everything that has breath praise the Lord." in Psalm 150:6 came very real to me that day. From then on ladybugs would show up everywhere from seeing a yellow Ladybug on one of my birthdays in India (on a mission trip) to a black Ladybug with red spots on my wedding dress the day I got married. As I told my new friend that was asking me about the ladybug importance in my life, she said "you should look up its meaning. Perhaps it is your spirit animal/bug". I honestly never thought of that before, yet they have constantly flown into my life. Later on I looked up the Ladybug symbolism and found the following, which baffled me because it is dead on! I feel like I can officially say I am lady-luck!  

Ladybug Symbolism & Meaning 

With the heart of a child your dreams come true

Spirit says:  All Your Dreams & Desires Are Being Prepared For You

Be  patient with yourself & with your dreams . . . enjoy the journey . . . enjoy the discoveries . . .  celebrate all of magic of the serendipities and synchronicities that are hidden in plain view all around you just waiting for you notice them, this is the proof that yes,  all of your dreams & desires are being prepared for you!    ♥ ~ Presley Love ~

Ladybug Symbolism...  "Ladybug is the perfect symbol for lady-luck.  The Ladybug brings luck and abundance wherever she goes.  When you see the Ladybug make your wish known to her, and when you see her fly away you will know she is off to grant your wish."   If you see a Ladybug and a Chipmunk near each other, magic is in the air... you can be sure that indeed the Universe is conspiring on your behalf in serendipitous ways.

Ladybug Meaning...

Delight, happiness, and playful spirit all share in the meaning of the Ladybug.  Upon appearing in your midst, Ladybug brings an instant sense of pure delight.  Children squeal with excitement when they see a ladybug, and closely inspect it with big open curious eyes particularly when it lands upon them.  The Ladybug represents the childlike nature in everyone... from 2 to 102.

You know it is a sure sign of bringing blessings of abundance when Ladybug frequents your garden.  Whenever you see the Ladybug, she is extending an invitation to find a garden, plant some flowers, and delight in the magic of nature and how things grow from the rich fertile earth...  Ladybug is also a symbol of taking action on your dreams, as with her very presence she hints at planting the seeds of your dreams.   She will bless your dreams as well as your garden, plant your dreams where they will get plenty of sunshine and feed them with praise and just like the flowers in your garden, your dreams will begin sprouting and growing and surprising you in the most delightful ways.

The red shield and big black dots that cover the Ladybugs wings announce to the world that she is proclaiming her unique and playful spirit for all to see, to bring smiles on her way to wherever her heart leads her in the next moment.  Another meaning of the black dots on the Ladybug is to count your blessings, and show your gratitude with grace and style.

The spiritual meaning of the Ladybug is spiritual devotion.  Ladybug will help you discover your true self and what makes you most happy and fulfilled.    For those on a spiritual journey, Ladybug is a sign to take inventory of what fills your heart, Ladybug signals the way to follow your bliss.  
Ladybug symbolism & totem powers 

Good Luck, Blessings, Dreams 

Ladybug spiritual meaning 

Spiritual Devotion, Finding True Happiness

Ladybug animal magic 

Granting Wishes

The red sheaths with the black dots that cover and protect the wings of the Ladybug, symbolize protecting what is most valuable to you.  With wings you can fly free, free to create the dreams that are meant for you alone to realize and make come true.   

When Ladybug is your Spirit Animal... 

When Ladybug is one of your totem animals you believe in the magic of the Universe, you believe in magic just like a child.  You have experienced it, you have a knowing that cannot be taught in a class or read in a book.  You know the ways of magic and how to conspire with the Universe.  You have an innate understanding of the blending of elements and words ~ bringing forth the manifestation of your desires.  Some might say you are lucky, and indeed you are, but you know it's more than luck... it is the power of believing that is your magic.  

When Ladybug walks with you as your Spirit Animal Guide, you know that inner happiness is the most rewarding of all things beyond measure.  You delight in the small things, and children are drawn to you, you have the heart of a child and have childlike wonder for all things in nature.  You have found your way, the way that is uniquely yours, you have found how to be happy all by yourself without the distractions of unhealthy relationships or work environments.  When you have found your full power, you will spread your wings and bring blessings and hope to others, and your words will be like a magic incantation helping others find their own way.  Do not rush on this path, you will know when the time has come.   

When Ladybug is your power animal you are a healer of hearts, and when the heart is healed one can pursue the dreams that have been dormant, like seeds that have been waiting to be placed in the soil.  

Ladybug symbolism in your dreams or in your midst...

When Ladybug symbolism appears in your dreams, or frequently in your midst through movies, images etc.,  you have been given an invitation to play in a beautiful abundant garden where dreams come true just for the asking.  Use your imagination and see the scene of how it unfolds for you,  Something magnificent deep within is waiting to be born through you, something that brings fulfillment and happiness to your soul.  Ladybug is saying... luck is on your side.... just believe and I will help you. 

Ladybug is also a powerful totem of healing, Ladybug speaks:  "healing energies surround you... release your worries and let healing energies flow".

Ladybug Symbolism ~  have the heart of a child and...  just believe 

Meditation, not what it's all cracked up to be.....

For years I ran from sitting still, from meditation, from having to sit by myself in silence. I didn't want to sit alone, breathe in and out. I'd rather read a book, drink tea, organize my thoughts, plan my day, or balance my bank acct. Sitting still and letting go, scared the hell out of me and still does. Falling on my face in a sacred place only showed me the worst parts of me, the moments in my life that I NEVER wanted to relive. Being bare, open and scared isn't where we desire to habitat. Running and working out comforted me because it made me feel strong and as if I could escape or at least defend myself if any attackers crossed my path.
This morning I decided to crawl into my closet and sit. As soon as I did, exactly what I thought would happen, happened.....I bawled like baby. You see THIS is the reason why I didn't want to be here! The place where had to embrace the ugliest parts of me. The tears wouldn't stop, the pain surfaced, I felt scared, alone, and trapped in a body that held anger from the past. For about 5 minutes, fear thought it had the best of me, until I heard and felt a loud pop. It was my right hip, the metaphysical occurred. When we experience trauma, so many of us store it in our bodies and it's result....physical suffering. Ever since I was a young child I had knee pain. Throughout the years doctors have told me it was arthritis, bipartite patellas, and other medical conditions. Yet, I knew deep within what it truly was all this time. It was unforgiveness and my ego not allowing me to let go of the anger. I knew healing existed, I understood we could live life as if pain was a choice. You see, if we give ourselves permission to come face to face with the pain, the trauma, the what feels unbearable past....we can learn to let it go as if we are standing underneath a waterfall and being washed, covered in love. My hip adjusted as I uncontrollably wept, I told the little girl, that didn't want to stay at her grandfather's house, "I'm sorry." I wept some more and then noticed I was sitting crossed legged for over 5 minutes. I didn't have to come out and extend my legs or slowly adjust due to pain. My knees were more than fine. You see, I didn't want to meditate, I knew of the pain that was waiting on me there. Not just my knee pain, yet my life's trauma. The connection is real, and I didn't deny it today, I embraced it. As soon as I did, it released. Right now, I'm not angry nor sad, I'm aware. Aware of choosing to love myself by taking time to meditate. Time to weep, time to let go. Meditation is not what its all cracked up to be, its more.    

Stolen memories

Sometimes, the only thing I crave is to be a mom. I don't have an appetite for food or desire to get drunk to numb the pain. Sugar doesn't amuse me, neither does companionship.  I just want to be Mom. I want to see my children every night as they sleep, knowing they are safe.  I want to wake them up with kisses and wish them off to the start of an amazing day. I crave fixing them breakfast and sharing stories, helping them with their homework.  I want to see them play all thier games and be their biggest cheerleader on the sidelines.  Something that may seem so small to others, yet aches my heart because it isn't mine for the taking.

Painting memories

Today, I lived. I enjoyed moments as if I was a child. I invited myself over to someone's place and in return they invited me into a glimpse of their life. If was the most beautiful time I've experienced in awhile. I forgot I set an intention to serve and my heart melted all over the place. I played on a playground with children I just met, I painted pictures of nature, fed the geese, pretended the deck to a pond was a pirate ship, listened to laughter, and my hands were not let go by little ones whose eyes were full of hope. So, yes, at the end of this amazing day I am trying not to let these heavy eyes close before I can share this light upon your heart. In order for us to know our part, we must first be willing to serve. To be content, we must first lose everything, and to be full of joy, we must first allow ourselves to understand our pain. Every minute I've been here on this planet has only brought me closer to my destiny. I am an advocate for those that have and are abused, I am transparent to showcase the freedom there is, I will not be silent because silence is not where healing and change occur. Today, reminded me why I write, why I live, and why I exist.

Abuse and sleep....

It's 1 am, I'm up strolling through my phone. I toss it to the other side of my bed to visit the restroom. As I pee I start to cry, what am I doing? Why am I wasting so much time? I haven't had a decent good night's sleep in weeks. I see my physical self in the mirror and am so disappointed. Disappointed, not in the same way others have told me how and why I'm such a loser. Yes, my very own mother telling me that her life would be better without me in it and quoting that my father was disappointed in me 5 years after his death. Did I believe my ex-husband as he told me I was a piece of shit and if I wasn't such a bitch he would have treated me better...at the time, I did. You see, I'm not disappointed in the choices I made nor I agree with those that chose to see the worst parts of me, I am disappointed that I listened to those people for so long. That I allowed them to feed me such hate. I am the one that gave permission to these individuals to cause harm to my mind, to let me feel unsafe and never at peace. I am responsible for the pain and torture because I only let myself be abused as much I consented to be abused. I didn't stand up for myself, I didn't walk away, and I didn't see my own worth. I can't blame it on the one that took my understanding of boundaries at the ripe age of 3. At 41, I'm JUST now learning that boundaries exist and they begin with your own flesh! People may see me as free, yet I know it's chaos that longs for foundation. Others may say that I have many gifts, yet it is just me looking for ways to express all I've learned.
Today, you will no longer hurt me. You will not speak to me that way, you will not touch me. I know who I am, and I am not your victim. I am not your "go to" when you "feel" like projecting your venom. I choose to live in peace, to be embraced with love, and no longer hide. I am not afraid of you, I am safe and seen as I truly am. A welcomed child, that is beautifully loved and understood. Who has a life full of wonderful adventures and an abundance of good.

Dating Apps

About once or twice a year, I get bored and download dating apps. Guess it's like a secret candy crush type of addiction. Being confined to my bed this week, I downloaded a few(okay, maybe 7). This is a story, so before you interrupt with a comment saying that dating apps are stupid or "why would you need a dating app" questions, let me say my peace. In today's world we live in a time where people prefer technology over relationships. And honestly, I prefer practicing yoga, working out, making money, and spending time with my children over getting drunk, pointless dates, and cat calls from thugs that can't hold a convo much less speak or text the English language (even though they apparently were born & raised in America). Never a dull moment when you have the power of the vagina, right ladies? Anywho, I'm swiping left, right, mostly left, and it dawns on me how many dudes have NO confidence whatsoever. I mean really, let's think about this. You don't have the guts to talk to your woman crush at work, or the gym, or church or at the bar, so you go online to a dating site post inappropriate pictures and site everything you want in a woman. Yet, you can't scrimmage up the courage to actually speak to someone in the real moments of life? Don't get me wrong, I know rejection hurts. Believe me, I got stood up more than three times this past fall as well as told I'm not first choice or better seen as the back up plan. Sucks like a muther, but I've learned to not take it personal. We can't let others warped realities shape ours. I'm not bashing dating sites, I have friends & family whose lives got better from it by meeting the love of their life on one. I'm just saying that our personality online, including Facebook users, should reflect our personality off-line. What happened to: what you see is what you get? Why do we need filters, why can't we just say the truth(with manners of course). Whatever happened to the risk takers, the ones that take life by the balls? Approach someone in real life and start a conversation. Settling is for wimps, for people that haven't a clue. I don't want to go on a date with someone that can't figure out how to live without their phone. Moments are here & now, fleeting, so revel in them. My philosophy on dating is back to what is was when I was in high school....pointless stupid waste of time. Why bother when you can be living life?!? The best fit for you will see you as their match in the daily environment you create. You will blow their socks off without the picture filters, the things you've accomplished, or the fancy profile you've made. That smile, your personality, that laugh, the way you handle life, how you dance, what you say, and everything great about you is what your truest soulmate falls madly in love with. And nothing compares to that, the real raw you.

I'm done here....too much sick time up in here, up in here, goodnight.

My thoughts on today:

-Graham crackers taste like childhood.
-My head feels like a deep rooted pimple someone is trying to pop, the pressure is too much!
-I actually miss working.
-No time like the present to do taxes!
-People are like dogs, they bark at noises acting like they are super badass until they realize they are just scared shitless.
-I miss India.
-I'll never understand child support, take someone's kids away from them & then make them pay for it? 🤔
-I miss the gym!
-Television is for those that don't want to think or let others think for them...be productive & live life!
-If you get upset reading my post or by someone else's opinion, you take things too personal. That's pretty selfish, because it isn't all about you. Read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, it will change your life.
-Pain sucks, yet is temporary.
-If you're sick & don't stay home to heal, but choose to share your germs at work or wherever you go, you're an asshole.
-I have no filter anymore, and yes, I write children's books.
-I want to play outside right now with chalk art, roll around in the sand, and skateboard. I'm forever young.
-Singing out loud makes the heart brave.
-Smelly feet can be a sign there's too much yeast in the body.
-ADHD is a gift, not a handicap. Only those intelligent enough can handle it. If you can keep up, your brain works faster than the average bear, right boo boo!

The gift of love....

When you hear a grandfather tell his future grandson (looking at his wife & granddaughter) "it only gets better each year." Love! It's real. The sweetest love exist! It's within us. It's how we embrace others & ourselves. It's how we react & CHOOSE to love! Love is a beautiful ACTION we get the opportunity to live!!!!! I love you love, and can't wait til the day someone cherishes me as much! The closest I've known is that between a mother & child, as well as daughter and dad. Then again, LIFE is an amazing time to experience LOVE so divine. God, thank you! I see it now, and no....it's not my meds!

Link to 2/19/17 workshop...

Eeeek! Guess what?!? I will have my books to purchase at the workshop & possibly my new children's book!!!! Limited spacing, so reserve your spot today.

Authors, Alyssa K. Vine-Hodge and Kara C Adams, along with Yogi Carly Andros, will share their stories about loss, addiction, shame, abuse, & mental illness during this Yoga event.
Join this inspiring workshop, packed full of truth and love, to discover how joy & healing are possible when storms in life happen.
Heart openers, arm balances, & pranayama will be included in the yoga sessions.
This workshop benefits everyone from beginners to advanced yogis.
Learn how yoga & healing go hand in hand. $50 when you pre-register, $70 at door.

Sunday, 2/19/17 from 12pm-5pm
Event will be located at Shanti Yoga Studio
7901 N. Ocean Blvd #5 Myrtle Beach, SC 29572

https://www.eventbrite.com/e/surrender-yoga-workshop-tickets-31838453672?utm-medium=discovery&utm-campaign=social&utm-content=attendeeshare&aff=escb&utm-source=cp&utm-term=listing

Yay!

In other news.... two really cool things happened this weekend. One, I got a bed! I haven't had a bed of my own in four years,  I was sharing a bunk bed with my daughter.  I am super excited and looking forward to getting a good nights sleep. The second thing that happened was at yoga.  We were stacking the legs in fire stack and my knee was only an inch or two away from my foot!  I was in awe, because for the past 17 years there always was a half a foot to a approximately a foot away from each other in this position! Progress happens, sometimes it just takes time. #blessed

Walking in forgiveness, letting go....

Spiritual warfare is real. When faced with this, it can be scary if you're not prepared. It will grab you by the throat and try to take your life. So, when we step into the awareness, we must not be alone.

The shaking, the wailing, the dark thoughts, chest tightening, watching your hands tremble, screaming, reaching for something, anything to stop this pain that puts you in the fetal position. The course salt isn't washing it away, so you gulp it down.....throat instantly closes! The nostrils can't draw air in to breathe. You strain to only realize death awaits. It feels as if someone has you in a choke hold around your neck. Water, water, WATER puddles in your mouth. Your thrusted onto your hands and knees throwing up, coughing to the point where you taste blood. Everything stops, silence fills the room, you're free, the tears are gone. All you can do is curl up into a ball as the shower drenches your naked body. This trauma, this hell, it must be faced in order to get to the other side.

You Got Mail....

I was cleaning out my email accounts this evening, shuffling through the 1000's of wasted space until I came across some drafts I wrote and logged because I didn't know where to store the memories at the time. As I read them, all I could do was say, "wow!" No wonder I have childhood amnesia and don't recollect much over the past 20 years. When I journal the things that have happened to me or were said, its like my brain goes into forget mode. I started crying reading the horrible things that were spoken and am in awe of God's grace. I am so grateful I am where I am today. I have loved others despite the pain, I thought I was being like Christ yet, I was just allowing others to bring me to a place of shame. Unspeakable hate projected, now I see why I was so sad and to this day scared to really try to remember much of the past.
After I finish this children's series I'm currently working on, I will be summing up my auto-biography. It will be the most challenging work I will ever accomplish because it will most likely feel like I'm reliving it all over again. I will have a pen name, in honor to protect the ones I love. I'm literally sobbing right now because some words should never be said, cruel and hurtful things all because people are miserable from their own prison. I am an exception, my light, my heart, my joy still glows. If it wasn't for God's unfailing love, I wouldn't be alive today. I'm honored to be here and forever learning grace and hope.

Here is the start of something I came across, sneak peek of a piece of my past......
"It has all happened so fast! My head won't stop spinning, yet among the amazing turn of events, I'm lonely. My heart is beating, yet blood seems to stream from my soul. God, I'm scared, I need you and my mind keeps telling me you're not with me. You are yet, why do I question."

The visit....

You comforted me during my mourning. You helped me smile again when I didn't think I could. My heart's guard was put aside & I started to trust again. Now, you've decided to say goodbye without even speaking a word. I miss you, guess it was too good to be true. Thank you for letting me see a glimpse of what could be.

Closets

Closets, my earliest memory is hiding in my closet. I was terrified, I didn't want to be found. I would grab my crayons, so that I could draw a safe place on the walls. Later to be scolded by mother & father. It was as if my intuition, at 3 years old, knew of the wardrobe from the chronicles of Narnia was real. It was the only escape I knew. Flash forward, to my daughters closet in her room, she was not even a year old. There I was again, hiding. This time I knew it was for my life. I was shaking, praying you wouldn't find me. Then my youngest son spotted me, he had just turned 3 & decided talking wasn't his thing. I looked at him nervously taking my index finger to place over my lips, motioning "shhhh", he looked at me with his beautiful face and cracked a smile, then walked away to pick up a toy. I sighed a bit of comfort for his silence. Next, I heard your heavy footsteps frantically stomping throughout the house, slamming doors, and shouting in your angry voice: "you think this is funny?!?" I climbed to the top shelf of the closet, piled clothes & baby blankets on top of me as I held my breath. You stepped into the closet, I was frozen, you turned and walked away headed out of the room, relief washed over me as I remained hidden in the closet.

Unbearable

When life takes away your only cherished moments, unspeakable pain overcomes you. Unbearable sorrow swallows you up and you weep because that is all your body will allow you to do.....I know I'm supposed to be strong, yet today I cannot. I cannot put on a grin or cover my face, I am gasping for air through these tears. Everything has been stripped away from me. The most precious gifts ever entrusted to me are gone. I can't watch them while they sleep or hug them when they wake. Help them off to school or make them their favorite meal. I miss my heart, it walks around outside my chest in four pieces. I am completely crushed and am supposed to start fresh....it feels like I have been shamed for a crime I did not commit. ALL I ever wanted to be was your mother.

Grieving 2016, so I can enjoy 2017

When you grieve, sometimes God places people in your life that help you cope. Grieving is a process, you experience many emotions, perhaps even anger. To feel grief is to understand great sorrow, mentally you are distressed. You ache and cry, ask why and this is all OKAY. The pain can feel unbearable, and there will be those that do not understand. It is a season, it won't last forever, yet it is important that we as humans walk through it. We can not live here, but we can grow from it. Allowing our hearts to meet our minds to discern that everything is temporary. Invest your time wisely, death and loss share with us the true fundamental values of life. What really holds worth, once you discover this....NOTHING else matters.