Can't sleep

I can't sleep lately, I guess it doesn't make any difference that I can't hardly eat either. Not good for the eyes, lol. I am so terribly sad. It is fiercely true that when you lose someone SO close to you that you go through stages. When my father died, the first week I was in denial -nothing was real; last week: crazy angry at everyone and everything; this week: I have been miserable. I can't stop crying. He's gone, and I miss him more than anything right now. I wish people would stop bringing it up and pushing the knife even deeper into my chest. I hate that I'm without my dad and can't tell him everything I'm going through. He would usually say something funny to help me laugh and lighten up the situation. I'm so depressed he's not here holding Eve (my daughter) for her third birthday today. He made her giggle like no one else could. My three boys adored Papaw, that's the name my oldest gave my father when he was just under one. They would actually sit with him. A nine, seven and five year old BOYS sitting still! Oh, the fun and silly noises I would hear as they played, I can hear my dad now -speaking in a deep voice with heavy feet: "Fe Fi Fo Thumb, I smell the blood of an English man." The boys would run, hysterically screaming, trying not to get caught by the giant.
If we give it a chance, we will find that life is precious. My father helped me see things a bit different, I don't know exactly how to describe it yet, he showed me hope and joy that's not from here. Someone reminded me of him yesterday and I am so sad, sad to have him gone.
Let me grieve, do not tell me he's in a better place and he is no longer suffering. It does not comfort me. Just let me grieve.

Should I stay or should I go?

I've been contemplating lately about leaving. Everything I've been through lately, I just want to move to another country and start over. How easy it would be to not know anyone and begin again: fresh, new, with nothing or anyone to hold your past over your head. There is a place that I'm thinking of.
You don't get far in this town where I grew up and live in without seeing someone you know or people that know of you. I keep telling myself "It's going to pass and be alright." But, the ugly truth is....it won't. Things will never be the same. Circumstances and choices we make stick with us, mold us, and we keep on, regrets or not. Everything in me has to believe: that no matter the outcome, this is only temporary. I will look back and laugh or cry, learn from or repeat.

My stolen heart

How can I express the love of God, when I grieve? This state of mind that traps me in such shallow waters. I'm not familiar with this ground. I have not tread this path before. I can not sleep, I can not eat, I feel weak, Oh -how my countenance has changed. I am at a loss for words, words of comfort and peace. Harsh is my presence. Not quite the beauty I once was. Never have I been one of outward appearance, yet my light that formally shone deep from within has grown dim. I struggle to encounter the bread that has been my routine for years. I somewhat comprehend how beyond desperate I am. I crave air, not from this world, yet from the place where he progressed.

Where Am I?

Where am I? I do not know or care for that matter. I need help, I seem to have lost my way. Can someone point me in the right direction? I do not think this ride is fun anymore. Being tossed from here to there, everywhere. I'm quite dizzy and want to lie down. Wake me when we arrive at our destination.

Quote for the day.....

I am not perfect in any way, shape or form yet, He who created me is. Life is more than a dream, it is a place where we have opportune moments to influence the people around us -EVERYDAY!

Alone

This pain is too much to bear alone. I am suffering and ashamed. Is it my ignorance that has covered my absence. Absence from this place. Neglecting the everyday duties for a dream to be content. Yes, I'm depressed.....and that's ok. LOL. One day when I finally arrive to the place where I truly belong, I will see His face and feel His embrace. Nothing gives me more comfort than that, my dream of His heart in my every thought and shining through my eyes, my lips, my ears and inhaling His sweet fragrance.

My Father: Part III

Two years ago, for Father's Day, I wrote this poem for my dad:

You are my Father

You showed strength when I fell.
You gave hope to others when you least knew.
You give reason to believe in what I believe.
I love you Daddy.
Our Heavenly Father is closer than we will ever know.
He is so evident in you.
Thank you for showing His Love,
Sharing His character and building my faith.
He is forever faithful, forever our Father!

More than 14 years ago I was driving out to Denver, Co. to live, and dad flew into Louisiana because he was concerned with me being by myself. It was the BEST road trip EVER! I found out how really cool my dad was. I asked him question after question and we talked about everything, our bond flourished even more. I miss him. Now, my dad is in a place where he is surrounded by peace, completely healed and free. How wonderful to see the King, how invigorating to dance/sing without limitations and insecurities. He was blessed here on earth and I was blessed to be his daughter, to witness and experience such a relationship that exemplified what it means to know Christ.

My Father: Part II

I wanted to honor my father the day of his memorial, so I shared a bit at the service......

My dad was a wonderful father, devoted husband, caring friend and an example of Christ. He had the best smile and heart filled laugh. I used to giggle with him as a young child, express how he embarrassed me as a teenager (by telling jokes and making fun with my friends), and finally I found his humor quite appealing as an adult. I realized he was smarter than me when I was turning 12 or 14 as he beat me at a game of Tetris(Nintendo- old school). My dad was so advanced when it came to technology and more "in the know" on the latest movie or music scene. His ability to laugh and listen are two of the characteristics I admired most. He instilled scripture in me by reading bedtime stories from the Bible as I was growing up. He was kind and gentle, he came to all my games and shows, read my writings and encouraged me to pursue my dreams. I absolutely adored my fathers laugh, savored his smile, and cherished his stories of growing up as a twin. His upbringing molded him into what he became, an exceptional man. His family loved to laugh, enough to where you cry or can't breath. My dad led by example the love of God through his life by providing for our family, using discipline, showing what it means to praise God -he persevered, he was patient, he loved when no one else seemed interested, he accepted me as our Heavenly Father accepts us....no matter where we are and just as we are. He acted on God's grace and lived hope. I aspire to do the same and reflect pieces of him, parts of the King, especially to my children.

WHOA

One of my handsome boys was asking me how to spell some words tonight and then handed me this little notebook. Andrew then said, "This is a song I wrote." I was in AWE of God's infinite glory when I read each and every beautiful word. Here is my precious 7 year olds song:

The God I love provides for me.
The God I know loves me.
He is Bigger than all my fears.
My God is more powerful than lightening.

We got my guitar out to put some chords with it, then added the chorus line:

And I will worship you
And I will follow you

Moments like this refresh me and remind me why I'm a mom.

My Father: Part I

July 12th, 2009: Today, my dad left this world with a smile. He was in so much pain (cancer) and now he is pain free. I know this because I know him and his heart for our Creator. He was welcomed home with angels all around and his parents leading him to the King of ALL Kings. My father had strength, confidence, and a security that every child should see in a father.

He loved the movies, as I was growing up he would often quote from different movies. I can still hear him......."Now Kara, what we have HERE is a failure to communicate." (from 'Cool Hand Luke') I love the fact that my father had no idea how he taught me that a sense of humor is necessary for life. He had such a huge impact on my life.

I will continue in detail later......I need to finish my speech for the Memorial, which will be this Thursday. Plus, I'm tired. Good night, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite!