Real Talk...

I'm in bed wearing a free shirt from a church I used to attend. I attempted to stand in front of the mirror naked for a second to do what a book I've been reading told me to do....tell myself, my body "thank you" and really mean it. I ended up crying. Do I even know why? No, I don't. Why must we be our own worst critic? I look at my body and see imperfections, I look at my life and nothing I've done is good enough. Does that mean no one is good enough for me or should I be honest and say what I really feel? That I'm not good enough. Maybe it's the fact that I'm on my period, or maybe I can blame myself for not working out over the past week....what I really want to ask is "Why are so many people miserable and hard on each other? Aren't some of life's circumstances hard enough we don't need to judge others and point out their mistakes? Can we just celebrate and learn to find ways to empower one another through the misunderstandings?" Most people don't make mistakes on purpose, we fall down like a toddler learning to walk. Yet, why are we so much harder on ourselves and others as adults?   I'm tired, most days I can lift and carry the load just enough until I'm ready to surrender. But right now, I just feel like laying here and letting the dirt hit my face til I'm buried deep and made one with the earth. Tomorrow will be different, I'll be bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready to proclaim my victory as if I've already conquered the fears of my past. For just this moment, I will lay here in my shattered glass house, feeling my blood run to the ground as if it was all for nothing.

A Mothers ❤️

After I drop my kids off my heart hurts so deeply I just want to escape. Run into hiding, I know this piece of me no one can soothe. It will never be comforted, there are no words, no substitutes that can replace the 4 parts of my heart that walk around outside my chest. Do you think that is how God feels about us when we make the decision to not have a relationship with him? To not speak or spend time with him? Because this pain is unbearable, it's like my insides have shattered and there is no medication that could ever ease such a crashing. Just for today world, I'm letting you know I am real and I bear my truth through these futile words. Any apology or sympathy is not welcome because this super strong woman of a hero has a kryptonite....and it destroys everything I've ever built.
Most will never know the depths of my love, the loyalty I possess, the heaviness I've taken on to relieve those I consider priceless to my entire being. I keep my distance knowing most cannot handle unconditional acceptance because it's too close to home. Not the temporary homes here on earth yet, our original home. It's the only place I look forward to, and I'll always be ready.

What you take from this is only a reflection of you(not me), so if it makes you sad...why are you really sad? If it disturbs you, what have you done?

Yes, this devastation angers me, I need time to process and live through it. Will I ever be able to open up to anyone again....who knows? All I understand right now is how broken I am. Yet, I know I'm not alone.