Keep singing daddy, i hear you

Helping my momma clean out the house has been a long time coming, memories of my father in every room feel like fresh wounds. I found this incredible song he wrote down and I must say his faith lives on.......

Thank you Lord for the trials that come my way
In that way I can grow each day as I let you lead and
Thank you Lord for the patience those trials bring
In that process of growing I can learn to care
but it goes against the way I am to put my human nature down
and let spirit take control of all I do cause when those trials come
my human nature shouts the thing to do
and God's soft prompting can be easily ignored and
I thank you Lord with each trial I feel inside
that you're there to help lead and guide me away from wrong
cause you promised Lord that with every testing that you're way of escaping much easier to bear,
but it goes against the way I am to put my human nature down and let the spirit take control of all I do cause when those trials come my human nature shouts the thing to do and
God's soft prompting can be easily ignored but I thank you Lord for the victory that growing brings in surrender of everything.  Life is so worthwhile and I thank you Lord that when every-things put in place, you're in front, I can see your face and there - you belong.
Thank you dear Lord!

I think this one is my favourite, straight from the word of God yo:

Sing, Oh barren one, come and sing the joyful song for the shame and blush of your youth shall not be remembered more.  Sing, Oh barren one, I will proper you again, for your children's shall grow and grow established in righteousness.  For a brief brief moment did I turn away from you from you, now in great loving kindness will I come and gather you.  Sing, Oh barren one, for the mountain and hills should woe, My loving kindness will never depart from you!

Waking up to my best friend

There is nothing like someone loving you unconditionally!  Nothing!  Yesterday morning I woke up in the worst mood, I was mad and mean and this attitude even showed up in my text.  My actions were wrong, I felt I had to defend myself and the person was just wanting to pick up my baby girl for a play date.  Yes, I know, very immature and redonkulous!  I called this person later and apologized for 'venting,' I was just ill?  Yet, for some reason I couldn't get over this attitude, I couldn't listen to any music to make me feel better and I didn't want to read anything to boost my ego.  I was a true 'Debbie Downer' and 'Potty-mouth Paul.' I didn't' even want to be around me!  Eventually, as I was driving, I remembered a verse from Joshua 1:8-9 "Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it.  Then you will be prosperous and successful.  Have I not commanded you to be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

Yeah, that shut me right up!  You see, the night before I fell asleep writing down stuff for a task at hand.  It wasn't focused on anything positive, it was the exact opposite.  I am having a hard time getting it done because I don't want to do it, yet it is required of me.  Hang in there because my point is coming before I close up shop with a Kenya story.  I fell asleep working on this project and woke up with it on my brain.  I didn't give it to God to handle at all.  I tried to deal with it myself, which by the way- NEVER works!  If I just said a simple prayer trusting that God will take care of it and speak up on my behalf I probably would have slept better and woke up NOT thinking about it.  If I would have read scripture over myself and the current circumstances I quite possibly would have not woke up worrying.  Lesson learned, be conscious of the word of God I have stored up in my heart and my noggin!  Not doubting how powerful it truly is!  See this snake?

I was just in Africa less than 2 weeks ago, I saw how profoundly real and strong my Father in heaven is!  I walked right over this snake while visiting a local school.  I didn't know it, the person behind me said:  "Guys, did you not see that snake?  Two of you just stepped right over it."  I asked our interpreter Chrispoh if it was poisonous and his reply "Oh, yes, if that snake bite you, you die."

I proceeded to take a rock the size of a football and kill it, because I didn't want to hear of one of the students at the school getting bitten.  There is no medical care in site, it takes over an hour in a car, and everyone that lives there walks (they don't have cars).  In Luke chapter 10, Jesus sent out 72 disciples to spread the good news and he gave them authority to be able to do all that he had done!  He even said (Luke10:19-20) "I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you. However, do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven."  I didn't go looking or pray for a snake or scorpion, I was just willing to share the gospel and stumbled upon a snake.  Sometimes we are just doing what God told us to and step over trouble.  And then sometimes we forget to even give God our issues- like when I went to bed and woke up with a bad attitude.  Yet, how we deal with it is the matter of the heart.  I knew I had authority in Kenya, and so I protected those kids and killed that snake.  Yesterday morning God reminded me HOW to remain in Him and remember how He has given me authority, Joshua 1:8-9.  I must stick by him, allowing him to feed me EVERY morning and EVERY night with his word......the BIBLE!  Today, I woke up to my best friend and I LOVE how he loves me!

my world is upside down

I wake, the hour is early where I live, but not where I was last week.  Kenya, a place where poverty is not the end of all things.  I lay awake trying to embrace slumber yet, my mind is one with my body and refuses to let this hour pass unspoken.
It was only by faith that I ended up in such a place.  Literally receiving money for a visa the day before my trip to Africa, through one of God's vessels.  The young man doesn't remember things very easily due to a fatal accident yet, our heavenly Father reminded him and would not let it go -by keeping him awake one night, insisting that he give to a sister in need(me).  You may say coincidence, yet I know my dad better than that.  I was blown away every time money was due for my mission trip, I had no idea where it was coming from, or maybe I did......it's all God's money to begin with(right).
When I received papers 2 days before the trip that would test the waters of my faith, asking me to surrender the impossible(my 4 children), I remained obedient.
Was it the spirit of God waking a woman (listening for God's voice) that Thursday as I was getting prepared to leave on a plane, to empty all the cash out of her purse into my hands -so that I could witness God financially blessing the women in the village north of Nanyuki?  I can not describe in full what my eyes have seen, but please understand that I felt at home HALF WAY across the world in such a place where dirt is not dirty.  At one point I imagined someone packing up my own children and shipping them to me, they were my only treasures that were allowing feelings of homesickness.    
I was emotionally torn between the sweet children(that were complete strangers) embracing me -as if I was their best friend they haven't seen in years; and the woman who opened her home to me, serving tea to a christian despite her husbands beliefs on christianity -having stoned her for going to church in the past.
This is only the beginning of the short time I spent in a land where God spoke to me saying: "Do NOT fear!  The Victory is the Lord's!"  Joshua 1:9, Lamentations 3:57, Psalm 20:6(NIV)
I can not sleep until I cry out how "OUR God, whom sent Jesus to die for our sins through the cross and rose from the grave to give us hope, is a MIGHTY GOD!"
.............to be continued when sleep is not.............

Dimples

Dimples, usually the word makes me want to smile.  Tonight.....not so much.  Before I go on, I first want to say that I'm 36 years old yet, when people meet me they assume I'm in my 20s.  I'm sure it has nothing to do with the way I act.  This evening I happened to run across a pretty lady in my bathroom, she had dark wavy hair, brown eyes and a lot of spirit.  She asked me a silly question about which halloween costume was going to be worn this year.  Embracing the conservative side of myself (more recently) I said "the clown suit looks great!"  In her other hand was this sexy tiny Wonder Woman outfit she had worn a few years before(when the divorce diet was so easily being followed).  It isn't triathlon season anymore, so as she lifted her shirt I saw the dimples.  They matched the ones on her backside, just above the knees.  Then she looked at me in agreement "the clown suit will do just fine, even though I wore that during a few pregnancies....."

I haven't felt motivated to exercise or eat right since I moved, that's 3 months of being lethargic.  I'm not going to beat myself into the ground attempting to run some pointless rat race.  I never really cared for what the world thinks/their standards of beauty, or have given a second glance toward the latest fashion trends plastered all over some Style Magazine.  I earnestly want to learn self control:  mental, spiritual, emotional, physical, and sexual self-control.  It can be done- I think.  There is balance, right?  I just need to find it, like one of my kids lost socks in the house somewhere!  Titus 2:1-8

I got a call from the nurse, something wasn't right, I felt and knew something was different for a few months now. The call confirmed it, I was being referred to another doctor, in a months time I will know more but for now, I must patiently WAIT. With that information I had to go for a run -maybe to cry, maybe it was to ignore the pain, but quite honestly I wanted to watch the ocean crash onto the shore and attempt to forget all the negative things that were being thrown in my face. As I passed by houses where dogs were out I was amazed at how they just stayed in the yard, trained, or maybe there was an invisible fence? Thought to myself: “Why doesn't Tiger(my dog) do that?” In that moment it occurred to me that she was a bit of a free spirit- like me I assume, not trained, jumping with excitement when she sees someone, running up to them and instantly loving on them. Loving and accepting them just the way they are, for who they are, not holding back anything, no fences or pretend walls to stop her. I feel like that at times, I was born in this world not understanding personal space. It's not that I try to invade someone else's space on purpose, its just that I'm a bit carefree and ready to pounce letting others know I'm happy and blessed to be in their presence. As I saw the ocean from a distance in my run I thought of my dad, reaching for his final destination. I imagine this is what going home is like. In the pathway ahead of me was the beautiful water and all I wanted to do was embrace it, I wanted to shout out "I'm almost there!" When my father was dying and trapped in his earthly body full of pain from the cancer, I wonder if he thought "I'm almost home!" -the day he went to be at peace with God he probably saw Jesus and shouted with joy “I'm coming home, I no longer have to be here!” Looking towards heaven, in awe of its beauty. No longer a captive in his body, no longer trapped in the walls of this earth that kept souls out, anxiety and alienation rushing over him, perhaps a prisoner within.

I watched the sun set over the ocean, lighting the sky on fire and I suddenly felt peace. Knowing that whatever the circumstances may bring, I will trust my God, my Jesus -to give me hope as he did for my dad. To be honest, at first when I got that phone call I was completely human - scared, scared to know I had no one to hold my hand or hug my neck. And then, I came to a place where I could look up and saw what I was surrounded by..............

My dad's story was for God's glory, may I also leave a legacy that declares my story for His glory!

I love to have fun, celebrate life! Right here, right now! I want to be remembered in good cheer and with a heart that was desperately after God. Do you know how will you be remembered? Try not to care what others think, especially the ones that probably won't even show up at your funeral, haha! Hebrews 12:1-4.....READ IT!

Today

Almost 3 years ago I wrote this:

"I've assessed, I'm depressed due to the fact that I've repressed pain and sorrow from compressed memories. So is this really best, or am I obsessed with the mess? Yes, you are unimpressed with my chest so why don't you just give it a rest. Stop being so possessed by your dress and the quest to be blessed. I miss feeling caressed and guess its leaving the nest, so my simple request is that your zest be pressed away from me towards the west. For now it seems as if your vest has suppressed my heart, which I suggest is distressed. Leave, because I finally confessed."

 Today I write:

I AM a child of God!
I AM successful!
I AM a good mother!
I AM beautiful!
I AM loved!
I AM HIS & I AM BLESSED!

There is NO room for weakness (I may be weak yet HE is STRONG), I must be an example for my children to let them know that the JOY of the Lord IS MY STRENGTH! Nehemiah 8:10

shared with a friend or 2 then thought: WHY NOT?

Waves were WOW this morning! I mean really WOW and beautiful! Lately, I'm struggling to catch them at the right moment to get up on my board yet, I watched standing (& being knocked down) in awe of God in all his splendor. He absolutely amazes me! "Blessed be the Lord, Who bears our burdens and carries us day by day, even the God Who is our salvation! Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]!"(Psalm 68:19 AMP) "Who alone stretches out the heavens and treads upon the waves and high places of the sea; "(Job 9:8 AMP) I just want to sing 24/7 to him bc he is sooooo good to us! Let his kingdom reign! "O Lord God of hosts, who is a mighty one like unto You, O Lord? And Your faithfulness is round about You [an essential part of You at all times]. You rule the raging of the sea; when its waves arise, You still them." (Psalm 89:8, 9 AMP) Yesterday, I was tickled with joy, I purchased contacts for the first time in over a year so my eyes were like 'THANK YOU!!!!!' Words can not explain how much I trust my Father completely, I could't buy groceries last year and now every day I get paid I RUN to give Him his 10% and it never fails there is always enough to pay everything else. I was in tears all day yesterday thankful that he carries me, he provides for me, he is here with me. I might of had nothing by the worlds standards and still have nothing to show materialistically BUT I have my GOD! He has supplied me with everything I need. I have the joy of being in the presence of my beautiful children and being wrapped up in God's arms. I inhale His breath as I see the sun rise over the ocean and I'm overwhelmed with his grace as the waves crash over my head. I love you Lord, I don't want to be anywhere else if it means I won't be with you. My flesh is worn and my soul cries out for more of him. I'm broken, ready to be mended, filled and restored daily with his words of healing and strength!

It's been awhile

Ahhhh, September. I can't believe I missed a whole month of blogging, what's my excuse? Settling into my new place, that's a decent claim- right!?!? The yellow butterflies of August were warning us that Fall is quickly coming around the corner as they travel from flower to flower or anything green and clean. As for me, I have been keeping things simple. Currently, I only work at 2 facilities and Friday through Tuesday mornings are devoted to spending as much time as I can with my favorite people -my children. Last month....I moved, I asked God and He told me to. Some people might be squinting their brow at me on that statement but, its true. I kept asking God, "Are you sure?" He kept saying, "Yes." I honestly didn't believe it was him because HOW could that even happen with the kids and all. It was July and I was visiting a friend in Garden City, SC and jokingly told God: "If you want me at the beach then you will get a house for me TODAY." Within two hours I received a text and a phone call "Kara, so and so has a house off of such and such Avenue and is thinking of renting it out." My second fleece in my head throws out- "sure God, IF the rent is cheaper than the house in Florence." Not even an hour later I'm talking to the owner and he says "I'll work with you, its not a problem." I was in shock, mouth wide open, couldn't move, reaching for reality. WHY do we think things like "that can't be God, that's just me and my head playing games!?!" A week goes by, I print out a short resume, throw out my 3rd and final fleece to God: "Lord, if its your will and way YOU will provide a job within the hours I need." As soon as I dropped off my resume to about 5 places I was receiving phone calls and setting up interviews. It felt totally different to be needed and appreciated for the line of work that I do! It was crazy fast how everything went down, I knew it was God and His hand. Not really having worked since I closed down my studio this past April, I was in awe of how quickly God set up provision for me! All this Fleece talk comes from Gideon's story in Judges chapter 6, excellent stuff! Through all this I have been reading some scripture that really makes me want to change the way I talk and how I spend my money. I struggle with cursing; and I never knew how much money I was going to get paid so tithing was hard/super difficult. Lately, I am reading the following verses below to encourage me to do my best- for His GLORY, after all- my story IS for His glory! The tithing, I've been committed FULLY for the past 8 or so months (even when it doesn't look like I have enough to make ends meet) and its INCREDIBLE what he has been doing! Africa is approaching fast and the money has been coming in, from where? I don't have a clue! I trust God to get me through to the next step. He has carried me this far along and I'm excited to see what he has in store for my family next! Uh oh! I just saw what time it is & I gotta get some sleep, I'll share more later! Proverbs 18:21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue, & they who indulge in it shall eat the fruit of it(for death or life). In Proverbs chapter 4, verses 23-27 it says this: "Keep thy heart with all diligence; For out of it are the issues of life. Put away from thee a wayward mouth, And perverse lips put far from thee. Let thine eyes look right on, And let thine eyelids look straight before thee. Make level the path of thy feet, And let all thy ways be established. Turn not to the right hand nor to the left: Remove thy foot from evil." Proverbs 3:9&10: "Honor Jehovah with thy substance, And with the first- fruits of all thine increase: So shall thy barns be filled with plenty, And thy vats shall overflow with new wine."

I kissed dating goodbye, seriously?

Back in the day, like 15 or more years ago, I had to read this silly book called "I kissed dating goodbye" (it's probably still lingering somewhere around my house if you want to borrow it) as part of my curriculum for my YWAM school days. It was a repetitive read, I don't like books that make the same point over and over again or try to dress up its many stories that are just saying the same thing as the last chapter, ie. The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People- hahaha. Anyway, the title says it all. Kiss dating goodbye? I tried that once, twice, maybe more than 3 times & I failed miserably each heart wrenching time. "Kara, I'm not ready for a relationship" or "I want to find someone like you"......really? You know I had some fun with that one! I pretty much think I'm hanging up the towel when it comes to the dating scene. I've discovered I want what I can't have, please tell me you can relate to this, I might explain in more detail later(in my book). The great thing I have learned from dating is the notes I've taken from lessons learned. Lesson 1: He should be pursuing you, if he isn't, drop him like a bag of dog poopoo in da trash. Lesson 2: He never looks at his phone when he's with you(he leaves it at home), if he's constantly texting someone else when he's with you then he has plans that don't include you. Lesson 3: He can't stop smiling when your around & he compliments you when you feel or look your worst(junk clothes are on)! He values you for you & nothing more, nothing less. I'll take her just as she is, no need for an upgrade even after the wear & tear that will occur down the road. I should have known better when I fell for the boys I've fallin for in my life. Yet, I wouldn't exchange those experiences for all the gold in the world. It's made me a better, wiser, and more compassionate woman. The only man in my life right now that is pursuing me and taking care of my children is God, he values me, he sees my beauty & won't throw it away. I'm worth so much more than a one night stand or a spring fling. Thank you Jesus for dying to save my soul, giving me life, one that is full of memories that may teach my children of your sweet love and grace. I'm forever grateful for you holding on to me and never giving up! The love our creater pours out upon us is rich and never ending. He keeps beside me, even when I wander off- getting side tracked. He opens my doors and takes my breath away every morning with the sun rise. I love him because he first loved me. Draw me closer Lord, I long for more of you.

Hapi Father's day daddy!

Hapi Father's day daddy! I want to embrace you and eat ice cream together! Talk about everything going on and feel unconditionally loved by another human being again. Its been way too long since I've seen you! I know you probably see me or maybe your too overcome by your surroundings to take note of little ol' me. Its been three years since you took flight and I have just kept trekking this earth. Wondering when will it all make sense? I love you dad, I can't write too much because it would confuse or possibly upset some people, so just know how amazing memories of you still float around on the waves in my head. I love you always and miss you beyond tears.

1000 years

I have been memorizing the song 'A Thousand Years' by Christina Perri to sing in a friends wedding at the end of the month. It is a beautiful song. The words saying "I have loved you for a thousand years, I'll love you for a thousand more." Who wouldn't want that feeling in a relationship? It consoles me to know that God loves me that way, can't wait til heaven!

i meant to post this back in January....found it wondering on my computer!

My little Seth-a-ronie turns 8 right now! He's asleep & a little angel. God knew i needed his sweet hugs, his adorable face to remind me to never give up in the face of adversity because God is faithful & always delivers. Seth is the 3rd in the line of fire: tough, into cars & anything fast, curious, yet he is compassionate & kind, full of an energy that screams "just try to stop me and see what happens!" I love that about him, if he believes in it: he aims & SCORES, playing head on as the team mascot. My dad is peeking out of heaven and smiling on Seth......he's got the Adams chin & determination.

you never know

Mother's Day 2012, I planned on going to early church service with the kids then head to the zoo. I woke up to my phone ringing at 8:30, it was my one of my best friends, she was crying. She messed up, I won't say how but as humans we tend to do that. I prayed with her, told her to not feel worthless(how she is fearfully and wonderfully made), reminded her of how loved she is, I read scripture over her- washing her in the word(the Bible). Time came for church, Perry was preaching on a series called 'Adam & Eve'. He talked about 'What every woman wants when it comes to a relationship'....Someone she can trust and will love her, believe in her, and stand by her- NO MATTER WHAT! He was dead on. The only thing that frustrated me was how he categorized men and women, saying guys do this and gals do that. I was like WHY the heck do I relate more to the dude comments than the chics? Sometimes I believe I might think more like a man. I use my towels over and over again(sorry-my blog is not for the faint of heart), I don't like to shop, I could think about sex all the time, and I agree that talking isn't always a good option. For the record: I don't want to be a male, I am attracted to them. I'm just stating that not all men and women think the same. So Pastor P is laying it down and I am like "Yea, I get that." I like when he said: "It's hard being a man, that's why so few do it." If you want to listen to the sermon and get more of an idea what I am rambling on about, it releases tomorrow at www.newspring.cc. The band went up after a short clip of a couple that went through a rough marriage and breast cancer. They played the song 'I'm gonna love you through it' by Martina McBride. I couldn't handle it, I got up and left. My dad loved my mom no matter what and they had chemistry. My mom was crazy in love with him, even through his dying years(caring for him at his bedside). I hated how alone I felt and how I might have to be single the rest of my days. I desire to go to Africa, live in a hut if I have to. That's a lot! No human companion wants what I want, or will be able to love me through everything, what if I were to ever get sick? Would anyone be by my side? Its hard to watch someone die, it's a ton of work and only so many people can handle it with unconditional grace. I know this personally, my father fought through his death for over 3 years. I started to tear up, ran straight to the bathroom and bawled. Okay, you got me, I had a girlie moment. Side note; Don't worry, I know to trust and be patient. I don't need your encouraging comments of 'Kara, your great, it's going to be okay. You won't be single forever'(1st: you don't know that, 2nd: let God be God & do His thang). I am just being real and honest, I know some people don't get that. I'm fine, and I'm not depressed-I'm just going through my thought process, so please don't feel like you have to fix or comfort me. Side note ended. We got home and the boys started fighting right away, throwing punches & all. I break up the fight between Luke and Andrew, trek towards the bathroom with my extra small bladder. The doorbell rings, then the sound of shattering glass hits the ground. Seth locked Andrew out of the house, Andrew got crazy mad.....banged on the door twice, rang the doorbell once, then smashed the front window with his fist. I opened the front door to a crying 10 year old saying “I'm so sorry, I didn't know the glass was going to break.” My phone was going crazy with text from random people wishing me a Happy Mother's Day, then it rang. A friend of mine, let's just call him CW, called to tell me he just prayed to be in a relationship with Jesus! He was at my church that morning! We hung out a few months ago and I drug his butt to church one time. Someone else asked him to church this Saturday, so he came! How fabulous was that? I celebrated with his report, then told him I had a broken window and why. He came over right away and helped me temporally fix it. What kind of love is that?!?! God delivered help in my moment of need because it was about to pour down rain! The kids and I finally ate some lunch and packed into the car to hit up the zoo with my buddy Mr. T, cuz nothing was going to spoil my 2012 Momma's day! On the way home every time I would try to talk to Mr. T he couldn't hear a word I was saying due to the four loud kids in the back seat that were like a surround sound system. I am thankful for his patience. Most people would go buzzurk, including myself! The point is: we never know what God has in store for us. I know as I continue to fall more in love with God, he provides. I cherish falling more in love with my four unique/priceless children. I have so many lessons to learn as a mother, as a daughter of the King, and as a human embracing compassion. I have a heart that is broken and awaits daily to be mended by the Healer of Truth. He restores me, longs for me to sit in His presence so He can clothe me in His love. I will not hide what he does for me, I cannot be silent of His daily provisions and how he sends his creation to nurture me. I will never be perfect on this earth, that's why I love Him so much, he shows me how to love the flawed, the ruthless, the hurting. I know, because I can relate. We are strategically put here -wherever we are- for a purpose and to be uplifting in all situations no matter how great/grim they may be! I met CW for a reason, asked him to come to church, be my friend, and now we celebrate together: the DAD of all eternity unites us as brother and sister rejoicing in the love He so graciously lavishes upon us! You never know who you might meet, or what type of influence you will have on someone. There is not one person I know or will come across that is by mishap. Even Facebook friends. I posted about my Kenya trip in November with my church a few weeks ago and someone I barely know messaged me to donate financially. This was God. I have been thinking about Africa since I was 15 years old. I felt a huge burden for it then and sitting in church this past December God spoke (through chills and much prayer) to me telling me to go. I am currently in school to get my Bachelor in Science, then one day to do a Physicians Assistant program. This is in reference to my vision to eventually live in Africa (after my kids are done with high school) and invest in health care clinics throughout the continent. People sometimes ask me "Don't you do enough? I thought you were living your dream with the studio?" Honestly, the studio fell in my lap. I adore yoga, yet my hope and biggest dream is to be back on the mission field in a third world country. Being able to assist & meet people in their physical needs that can lead to opening doors through relationships(souls being loved as Jesus did when he walked the earth). This November I am only going for a week and a half through my church which teams up with 410 Bridge (http://www.410bridge.org/). The trip cost $3500, I have been able to put $650 towards it. By July 16th I need to have $1250 more towards the trip. The final amount of $1600 is due September 30th. Please join me prayer that these financial goals will be met. I am so ecstatic to have the opportunity to get dirty by digging ditches, embrace sweet (possibly sick) children, and DO whatever else is in store for me on this trip! Some scripture readings from Romans chapter 6: verse 11- 'In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. 12- Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. 13-Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. 14- For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace.' I encourage you to read on! Even through chapters 7 & 8, it's soooo good! Romans 6:23 states "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." I know that when I'm struggling with sin, I read through Romans and it is so beneficial to me, my spirit, and my mind! We can get to a place like it says in 1 Peter 1:8 "Though you have not seen him you love him; & even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy!"

I don't think I would be so lonely if my dad were still alive. I could always visit him at home or work.....never was I a bother or a nuisance. We would laugh about something, and he would share the most recent song or movie that's out(he kept me up to date with what's new and just in). I miss him in such a huge way it hurts every now and then! Dad's are priceless, friends are hard to come by. I want my kids to know this and respect this: life is golden, enjoy every moment(leave the phone at home to really soak up and nestle in with a precious soul). I stay busy, yet when I can't sleep it all comes falling down on my emotions like an unexpected downpour of April showers. It is uncontrollable, it doesn't happen often yet when it does I can't explain it. This, I believe, is divine timing because it forces me to write. I must do this, if I keep it all in -it will only cause more pain. 'Patience' you tell me, 'in time' you say, yet this year is the year. The year to conquer my fear, the year to crush procrastination, the time to fully indulge. This one is for you dad! I will finish what you inspired me to embark upon!

Just being a mom, who knew?

There are some things in life worth fighting for. Our children are one of those things. Today I went to eat lunch with my baby girl, last week I went to lunch with my boys. This past month has truly been an incredible, refreshing & honoring opportunity for me. You see, before I closed my studio last month, let's go earlier back to before the studio started last year, prior to starting online school(that I still do), the 4 jobs I struggled through, even before the divorce or my father's passing, -I, was, a, mom. It was my number one job, my favorite responsibility, & today still is(yet at this moment in time there are no distractions). Its quite nice not having to teach 5 classes a day, clean up after classes, run all over town advertising, pay people to come teach and answer hundreds of questions from clients or interested minds, be on a constant vicious path to discover a baby sitter, work myself to the bone to make a business run on my own with school over my head and deadlines for articles for the newspaper & so on. Quite frankly, it has been a life of luxury to sit and soak in some sun and natures peaceful atmosphere. My yard is clean, my house is clean, my homework is done, my kids are mine, and I get to enjoy their baseball & soccer games! So, last week when I was sitting with my middle son during his school lunch & he looked me straight in the eye & said "Mom, why do you act like you want to hang out with us all of the time now?" I knew that was code for "Where you been?" I didn't cry, instead I said "get used to it!" I don't want to miss priceless moments with my kiddos. Today at my baby girl's lunch I didn't want to let her go, she sat in my lap and I couldn't stop smelling her hair, asking her questions, and listening to her funny scenarios. When one of my son's classmates asked if I was his sister we chuckled until our stomachs hurt. I can't hold them enough, tell them how much I love them enough, listen to them enough, read to them enough, answer their questions about life enough, it makes my heart full. These moments will never be returned, I know my father cherished every moment with my sister, my mom, and me. I'm counting my blessings & focusing on the positive, sure- I know at times things get hairy and frustrating but every moment is a moment that is full of growth.....or the chance to uncover one of life's impeccable lessons. I don't regret anything, I just keep on keeping on, learning as I go. Swim in the pool of liberation and enlightenment! Discipline, in my lifetime, has been very beneficial to me, but grace has moved my soul to see a whole new realm of reality. P.S. On the mom note- please be in prayer for my sweet friend Jennie and her baby girl Eleanor Bliss who has been spitting up since birth. Doctors have discovered a hiatal hernia. She and her husband Brian are taking Eleanor to MUSC tomorrow to see the pediatric gastroenterologist. Join me in big prayers for Eleanor Bliss who is only 3 weeks old, today.

I had the best time!

My mom, the kids, and I hit up Sunset beach during spring break. Time away, out of Flo-town reminded me of how much I love my kids. We had a great time, even though it was slightly cold(which is code for: SNUGGLE TIME)! It was so wonderful, we chilled, dug holes, got some flip flops for 2012, rode bikes on the beach, lost track of time, and came back home with sun kissed faces.

YES, I'm single & I know it, sex isn't an option!

Its 4am and I am sitting up in my bed writing. I was driving a friend home tonight and we were talking, talking about life and circumstances currently happening. I realized in the moment that I'm THAT friend, you know the one that is always there if you need me -all you have to do is ask. The friend that can't say no. The one that won't tell your dirty little secret and the one that will listen or cry with you. Also, I'm the friend that has the worst of luck! If it can happen it will happen to me and I end up eventually laughing about it with you. Well, at least I would like to think that I'm that friend for my friends. I don't know when to call or stop by because of my crazy schedule, but I will be there if you just give me the word. As a single mother of 4 children I'm not really exactly the pick of the litter when it comes to the dating/marrying scene. Yoga instructor, personal trainer, and massage therapist can sound quite appealing yet, there is one thing.....I'm gay. Just kidding, I totally have a crush on any cute 6 foot dude that has a ripped body and persona that reeks of laid back fun. Opps, did I squeal too much? Oh well, you only live once right? That only living once statement gets many warm bodies into some hard cold T-R-O-U-B-L-E. I've seen it, too much heartbreak, too much playing around, and too many facades of what some attempt to make reality. I don't want to be with just anyone and I understand that I've been accused of being the culprit of crushing a few souls. Divorce has no mercy, it leaves you squashed flat like fresh road kill unable to get up and move to a proper burial ground. So, what the blankety blank blank does this have to do with my title? 'YES, I'm single and I know it.....sex isn't an option!' It got you here, right? Just pulling your chain. Watch this and tell me what you think.....if you wanna skip the intro music flash forward 23-27 minutes into it. Don't forget to scroll down my blog and pause the music on my playlist at the bottom, so you can hear the video.

Uugh!

I don't want to be here, I hate this town. I know hate is a strong word, but I do…..I want to be away from this place so badly! I just want a fresh start at times. To not know anyone and build new relationships, no one knowing where you came from and not having a clue about you…..your almost a mystery. Unfortunately there are perks to being in the town you grew up in. You know half or more of the people in it, so your THAT familiar face. "Your so and so right?" "Yeah, that's me." Ding ding ding! You just won the medal for the gift of the obvious! GOOD FOR YOU!
Right now I'm trying to trust God, many of my friends don't understand this. You see a lot of people want to argue with me about what they believe, I could care less. Give me someone to give food to or clothe and that is where I would rather be than debating what is right and wrong(cause that is just pathetically draining).
I saw someone today that I haven't seen in a while and it was as if God was telling me: 'THIS is WHY you are HERE!' I realized I have these relationships that have built over my lifetime here and God designated me to be a part of these lives & they- apart of mine. I know this is a season, I just want it to pass. I must press on. I can not be detailed lately, but the time will come and you will just have to buy the book. Good night, wish me luck to get through this ridiculous place I must call home for right now. Uugh! -as Nepoleon Dynamite would say.

I love the beach, its where I belong!

just letting it OUT!

The room is warm, its quiet and there is no sound, its completely still. I lower to my knees and although the room is comfortable, I am not. I am shaking, scared & quivering. I'm at a loss for words and all that moves in the room are my tears off my cheek bones unto my dampened blouse. If only he would swoop me up, rescue me. Deliver me from this heartache and pain. I keep telling myself I'm not alone, yet there is no one to pick me up as I sink deeper towards the floor. PLEASE stop telling me: 'the Lord is your husband,' don't tell me: 'obviously, you need to be alone right now,' we were not made to walk this life alone. A city is not built by one person! A building does not just appear because someone thought of it, it took labor from many workers. The disciples discipled many and Jesus fed a multitude of people. Living where I live makes me miss my YWAM buddies, who had a clue of what community was! I'm tired, I miss my dad because when I called him he was there for me, someone to ALWAYS talk to. I'm full of wonder how on earth some people love me the way they do. A dear friend just swoops in and grabs my kids to watch them so I can teach, as another hands me a check to assist with my rent! I don't deserve that, I've been a lousy friend to everyone. I've been such a silly busy bee trying so hard to make ends meet. I see evidence of God's hand in my life. His beauty outweighs my heavy burdens. His grace propels me to do more which in turn allows me to use his eyes to see and not so much my selfish ones.

Picture a young woman losing her precious little child in an unexpected death and during her mourning sits down at her piano to sing:

I Have come with one intent
One desire to fulfill
to worship you Lord
Laying down everything
Falling at your feet I sing

You alone are worthy
You alone are faithful
You alone are God
And worthy to be praised

i want to write, i want to encourage, because when i do something unleashes in me

Last Sunday my 8 year old baby boy got dunked, I mean baptized. I had the honor of praying with him Christmas Eve 2011 to accept Jesus Christ as his Lord and Saviour. We were reading the bible, the Christmas story of when Jesus was born and I was describing how Jesus came to earth to walk with us and Seth spoke out saying "I want to know Jesus like that! I want to talk to him too!" So we read through some Romans scriptures and we talked about how Jesus was sent to cover all our sins. Seth prayed that night to have God's heart and begin his relationship with the maker of heaven and earth. I did start to cry a bit when he stepped into the water last Sunday and I was overjoyed. What could be better than your flesh and blood desiring a journey of hope.

Laptop open, heart bare, sounds of small children sleeping next to me. I just finished my algebra homework. Thanks to amazing friends who watched the kiddos for a bit earlier, I couldn't of plowed through my overdue hw without the grace they have extended to me. I am so blessed. I was a t-total brat the past couple of days complaining about my mail not being delivered for over a month. 2011 W-2's, books for work, and a surprise baby shower invite for a dear sweet friend were amongst the lost mail, I have no idea what else might have been in the lost sea of information, but obviously it doesn't matter. I missed out on some things and I was very angry. I didn't FEEL like dealing with another problem or issue! My mind went to a place that was unacceptable, I started to focus on the negative, the circumstances. I took comfort in my skin and believed the overwhelmed chains of my daily routine were too much to bear. I actually felt sorry for myself. Told ya, capital T-total BRAT! My thoughts dwelled on all the hardships, being a single mom trying to battle the disrespect of an 11 year old and giving enough attention to all four of my babes, feeling lonely, running a business all by myself(wondering how on earth is anything going to get done??? -advertising, cleaning, accounting, bills, Facebook & e-mail responses dealing with the biz, blah blah blah), working from 9 to 9, getting my schoolwork done along with each of my children's, missing my dad, coming home to laundry, dishes, etc. etc. etc. I didn't WANT 1 more thing to HAVE to do!!!! I got ANGRY at the postal service, now how stupid is that?! It's like my brain wasn't functioning right. Wallowing in despair, what good will that ever do? No matter how bad our trials or circumstances may be, we forget where our focus should be......upward. In Psalm 121:1 it says "I lift up my eyes to the hills- where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and Earth!" God has already overcome this world for us! -John 16:33 When I sit still and reflect on his faithfulness, on everything he has done in my life......I have NOTHING to fear or fret over. He has always shown me favor, I have never been without food or clothes and a roof over my head. I know people that have given up their entire lives to serve God in places where their children's lives are threatened on a daily basis and they NEVER complain! They just do what has to be done, no questions asked! They take up their cross and follow Jesus! They KNOW the price that has been paid for their lives, they have fallen in a deep amazing LOVE with a God that will never leave them nor forsake them. A love that can not be quenched by a lover, a friend, or for that matter not any other earthly relationship. Can you imagine being stoned or hung upside down on a cross to be crucified? To be put in prison for telling people about Jesus, about the Bible? I have friends in India that have been disowned by their families for converting to Christianity. Their houses burnt down because they believe in a God that sent Jesus to cover all of our sins. As this happens they count it ALL joy!?! It is reality to them, and they continue to see their sufferings as NOTHING! Pondering on these things brings me back to the present moment where I am, humbling my soul. I do not consider these things lightly. I am thankful and challenged to do more! To be the hands and feet of our Lord Jesus Christ. To not just preach it with my lips yet walk the walk of compassion, grace, and mercy. To see a need and fill it, to love the most unlovely, and to offer everything that I can. I know I can do so much more, have I really done ANYTHING thus far in my journey? Take a trip to a third world country and see what christians sacrifice, its a whole new perspective! Shoot, take a trip around your neighborhood....rake up your neighbors leaves or mow their lawn, give someone a ride that doesn't have a car, make sandwiches for 5 extra people when you go to the park and pass them out or leave them on the bench while you throw frisbee and see how God opens the doors to the people you serve. Pay for someones gas or groceries, because GOD is bigger than your bank account! He's huge and our troubles are NOTHING compared to his glory. What an adventure we get to live daily when we meet with our maker and allow him to share his gift and love through us!

By the way.....my mailbox was FULL today(approximately half of the stuff I was missing). I know the rest will come -because my God is cool like that, he's got my back and cares. I don't need to worry, he's faithful to ALL generations! Just read up on him in the Biblia.

me? complain? nah....

yes, you read it right, i don't ever complain. bhahahaha.

i'm really hapi right now. it's weird but i'm totally hapi. i think i have some sweet angels praying for me or something. I feel like i am 21 all over again! its not a man, its not money, its not a new outfit, its GOD! his peace is real, his kindness is invigorating, his compassion is compelling, and his forgiveness is contagious! I love him and am stoked about what he is doing in me and the people i am around. i am blessed to have 4 sweet fun loving kids! they make me smile like i just won free rent for a year. Today, I paid the deposit for the Africa trip I'm going on in November and can't believe after 21 years i have the opportunity to finally go! this is huge and i can't wait! God has crazy amazing plans, i don't want to get in the way so i trust him. we each have purpose, this life may not be easy but all of us have a purpose! getting discouraged only waste time, because Jesus has already conquered this world and overcome death! what more proof do we need than seeing his glory ascend from the earth and soon one day to return? the more i read the word of God(Bible), the more i get excited! maybe its being in my thirties that makes me so thrilled to share & extend God's grace? Don't be too quick to judge, there are definitely days that i am overwhelmed and want to call it quits. Yet, I PRESS on. Pressing through something is not lightly done. Pressing a button takes effort, pressing a door open can acquire some leverage, pressing an object or someone aside requires strength. so, i do not take the word 'press' lightly when used spiritually. Philippians 3:12 states- "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." I continue on my path to see what he has in store and to discover what he will unfold/unpack before me. Pressing on and into him! I feel like he is cheering me on saying, "DON'T give up, I have NEVER & will NEVER give up on you!" His plans FAR out weigh mine! Psalms 118:5 "When hard pressed, I cried to the Lord; he brought me into a spacious place." So taking myself from feeling pressed in and upon, I press through with his will and not my own! And that is when he can bring me to the place where I can breathe.

John 15:13 says "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."

Stand in his presence, drink of his love, be intoxicated by the maker of heaven and earth! His love is better than ALL things!

broken

I'm a little broken, let me rephrase that- I'm completely broken. I could try to say that my life is fine, everything will pass and be ok, but in the midst of a storm its really hard to feel safe. I keep thinking I can't do this anymore, I can't do this on my own.

Today, I woke up thinking how awesome, the kids and I got like 9-10 hours of sleep(this NEVER happens). I was quite pleased as a mom. Then the chaos of getting everyone dressed, fed, clothed, and off to school -on time- hit me like a punch to the face. The children arrived to school on time, I headed to the studio where I literally fall on my face before God and cried. Reason: a dear sweet friend of mine miscarried her baby last night. I begin to pray and am reminded of the scripture my Victoria love texted me the night before= "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."-John 16:33 The Lord Jesus told us you WILL have trouble, NOT maybe or there might be a chance of showers & storms yet- YOU WILL! Okay, so my day gets a bit hairier, Luke's school calls....he's sick. My mom saves me by picking him up. I run to tech to the math hub for some homework to be done and algebra to be understood. As I am finishing up the last 5 questions and get ready to pick up my other sweet babes I see an e-mail on my phone....its my instructor reminding me of a test that has to be finished by 8:30pm tonight. UMMM WHAT?!?!?!?! TEST? I was totally lost and baffled! I had no idea my first chapter test was due. I rush to pick up kids, forgot Eve's dance leotard so grab it from home and wha-la she gets to dance on time, then I rush back to school to pick up Andrew from chorus. I look at the clock its 4pm, I have 4 hrs to somehow get back up to tech to take the test. My faithful assistant covers the kids class for me at work and I arrive home to find my dogs have escaped. No worries, they return 30 minutes later with the help of my small hero- Luke. Yogini Brad calls to save the studio by covering my 6pm yoga class, I look at the clock its 5:15. Mom and Quinton hold the fort down as I take off back to the math hub where I ask this wonderful girl by the name of Courtney to lead me in her graphic calculator ways. I glance over, it's 7pm. So, I venture into the test room. I leave by 8:30pm. I can't believe how the day turned out, I didn't panic, I actually had peace. I wasn't worried, I knew what really mattered. God's plan matters, his kindness, compassion, and forgiveness -that's what matters. Arriving home at 9pm, food must be made and bodies must be washed, the kids & I read our Acts bible study at the dinner table to multi task. Eve falls asleep on the table, Seth not far behind, Luke has a meltdown but manages to carry Eve to bed, and Andrew lets Seth sleep in his bed. They are good kids, I know this, yet I wonder if we could have gone without the theatrical "I'm tired"- moments. Once again: PEACE -I have it IN HIM! The best part of my day was when a great friend sent me a song by the end of the night that put the biggest, silliest smile on my face (that wouldn't leave). Thank you Lord for providing your peace amongst this world full of trouble, most importantly thank YOU for having already OVERCOME this place! I have nothing to fear! I am not alone, you send help and friends when needed. Let me remain broken, that you may mold me into your likeness. I want to be compassionate, kind, and forgiving.....just like you.

i believe

Tomorrow I turn 36, today I am in bed sick. I should be catching up on my algebra homework but for the time being I am laying in bed drinking echinacea tea with some local honey, ginger root, and garlic. Gross, I know, but I have a speaking engagement this evening. I can't blame anyone for getting me sick except myself. I rarely rest, I am exhausted. I feel the weight of a million things on my chest right now. People sometimes quote that ridiculous saying "God never gives you more than you can handle." The truth is -its NOT God's fault, we pretty much can screw EVERYTHING up on our on and take on too much. We think we are awesome and try to pull out that scripture that says "I can do everything through him who gives me strength"-Philippians 4:13. I don't believe that God meant to bite off more than you can chew. WHY? Because you will FLIPPIN choke, that's why! So, Kara has bitten off more than she can chew.....running a business, on-line school, four kids, writing, etc. etc. etc. -I'm sure I'm not the only one that has 15 gazillion things to accomplish in one day(that obviously needs more hours, right?).

I was chatting with someone the other day and felt the need to tell them:
"Lately I've been loving on people where they are at. I was very quiet for a few years and felt as if I could only handle my own personal hell (super selfish I KNOW) then last year I was in church one morning and realized my purpose here on earth. That is the kingdom of God, that's my purpose, to tell of His glory and for me to be grounded in Him because I am his, & he is mine. I am falling in love with him all over again! I'm not perfect, but I can relate to others. Its so cool to be in places where most christians won't go, I've seen more people come to Christ in 2011 than I have in the past 10 yrs."

That being said, I am still tired. I want to complain and have somebody pick me up and tell me its all going to be ok. Someone verbally confirm that the bills are going to paid, the kids won't turn out worse than they already are, I won't end up homeless, I'll meet the guy of my dreams(bhahahahahaha), and life doesn't have to be constant turmoil which leads to depression. Is that too much to ask?

Of course it is! This is why I should only have small proportions on my plate, it doesn't have to be full. Life happens and the single MOST important agenda is: God's kingdom. When I focus on that everything else seems to align. The kids don't talk back as much, an unexpected $100 shows up in the bank, an amazing friend watches the kids for me while I have to work last minute, and I find out the place I've been dreaming of for the past 20 years is finally going to be a destination point for me this year! When I cry like a girl God tells me to look up and believe. When I don't want to get out of bed he sends my kids in to push me out of it with laughter that makes everything seem new again. The moment I forget my purpose he shows me HOPE. I struggle, if it weren't for his amazing grace I would not be here. We ALL have a purpose and through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvations that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 1 Peter 1, great read! Give me more of Jesus, less of Kara so I don't have to fret or worry bout each day, yet all I have to do is BELIEVE!

i will never live up to your expectations

My yard is a mountain of leaves -be careful not to get lost or fall in, dirty dishes, laundry that won't end, is dinner ready or the kids homework done? idk, idc........i just want to crawl in bed and go to sleep! Sometimes, when i write down my to do list, i jot down GO TO the bathroom or EAT to remind myself that I need to take care of me, too. Yea, i won't be able to live up to your standards, so go find another to make fun of or criticize. I barely can hold my head up long enough to breath.