The Circus

Here's the thing, in life, we have the choice to do whatever we want! As a child I wanted to run away & join the circus, I desired to become a clown. Many laugh because they know me, and how I adore standing in the sea of joy. Not letting others hinder us from what we may become is a challenge. Surrounding ourselves with optimistic thinkers and encouraging motivators may inspire us. Yet, when we encounter the realist and the pessimistic downers of this world, we can get side-tracked.
This is no secret, we have the ability & opportunity to become ANYTHING! It is quite exciting! The mind is a powerful tool, many preach and tell of how it is only mind over matter. I imagine, and know the best is yet to have arrived. My God will meet me and supply ALL my needs. My life may come across as overwhelming at times, running around with four children can resemble a circus act. I'll be pushing a shopping cart in the middle of Wal-Mart, thinking things are fine until a fight breaks out with my three boys. People stare, laugh, comment and I in the chaos am humbled.
Nonetheless, moments occur where I'm sitting and watching my children play outside(them unknowingly of my presence) where they are sweet and kind towards each other....and peace washes over me. I love my circus! I embrace the consequences to the choices I've made; and attempt in every way to uncover how my God can use me. Use me in this circus act of my life. Apprehending, how there is more to come and I can rest assured perceiving that the desires of my heart were buried there for a reason. He holds the key to such treasures and will make them discovered by my following Him.

Scared

Eve woke up screaming & crying, she was scared. It was dark, so she probably felt lost. She cried out for me, so I ran to pick her up in my arms to let her know that she wasn't alone. I was there to comfort & hold her, assuring her that there was nothing to fear. I wiped away the tears that were rolling down her face & tucked her by my side, where she fell back to sleep. I believe that happens to us all the time. We get to these points in life where we are completely lost, in the dark, afraid, lonely, fearing the worst & crying out for help. And, if we just say His name: Jesus.....he's there, wiping away our tears that have been streaming down our cheeks. Bending over to put us on his shoulder and carry us to safety. For it is God that loves us whole, only he can calm our thoughts and remind us that He is our daddy. Our security blanket, our assurance, that he is just those things. Daddy holds us, to let us experience the rest we need. The rest that only occurs tucked in by his side.

Today is a New day!

Today is a new day, the sun finally decided to come out from playing peek-a-boo with the clouds after a week or two of rain & snow. It is beautiful watching the sun rays fall through the windows. Right now, I'm so content sitting in the local Chic-Fil-A playground area admiring the energy spent by my giggly children due to the sugar attack from the ever so lovely ice cream. I believe some joys can not be captured in words, there are moments in life where words will never be enough- time in space that can only be felt, not expressed through readings or writings. I am in this current stage of life where everything seems at a stand still & I'm okay with that. My computer crashed last month when I was getting prepared to launch a web-site, everything gone: pictures from hundreds of memories, a thousand songs on my i-tunes, a book I was writing & videos for my web-site. Of course, I was extremely sad because I had no back-up, yet I imagined the thousands of Haitians that lost so much more. I am content, yet my heart still aches at times for a better world, one where we honestly love as Jesus does. To be the sunshine that shines through other hearts so that they might know of the incredible, intense love & joy that can only stem from our heavenly Father. God is beautiful & resting in Him is where being content is explored and we can be free to just be!

I Ran

Today I went for a run, I decided to try to break my 25 minute three mile.....so I was speeding & pushing. I started out on the treadmill then ended up in the cold outdoors (with shorts on), to finally finishing on the indoor track. I literally was dragging my feet afterwards because I ran my 3 miles in 22.5 minutes! Its my new shoes, it has to be!
During the run I began to cry, I know whah-whah, I'm a crybaby. I couldn't stop. I felt as if I was beating my body up due to pushing myself so hard. Isn't it crazy how we abuse ourselves & act as if its ok? So many of us are in pain & suffering, yet we deceive our minds and pretend if we try harder or push just enough we will be better, feel better.
We make choices, imagining only the best, then end up with scars. I started to cry during my run today because I saw how God sees me. I saw a young used, abused, confused and worn out lady, but HE still wants me! He said my name and that's all he had to do, because his tone was in love. The torture I put myself through because of my selfish thoughts, he still cared, he still remained. I ran, from Him. I was ashamed and knew I didn't deserve His mercy. Yet, He pursued me. He knew I would eventually fall from all the stones. Stones of rejection and wrath, stones that were created by words from people that can not hide their ignorance. No matter what the stones were made out of or who they were thrown by, He was ready to catch me. He was there to pick me up, so that I might not drag my beaten body and broken spirit. He has this power that no one else can compare to, where his heart is more than enough to hydrate me when I am completely depleted. I cried knowing that if I had surrendured sooner, the bruises would have been healed by now. My Saviour loves me NOW, this very moment, every moment. He waits for us, waits along side of us, until we let him in to restore our joy. Trust Him, not me.....I'm just crying because I can see Him running TO me and not from me.

yuck

Feeling so bland today. My desire to eat is not really there. I want so badly to hit the refresh button in my head. If I could just program myself to not feel this way, life might quite possibly be much easier. My hopes, dreams are gone at this moment & I am laying here longing for my body to magically produce endorphins, so that I can soar again. Where are you Lord? I am nothing without you.