I don't want to move......

Today I am packing, packing my clothes, packing my kids toys, packing up my belongings that are scattered throughout the house. I've been in this house for a year and a half, moved here when my husband and I separated and my dad passed away in 2009. It is not just any house to me its the home where I grew up. My father and mother moved out in 2006, after 24 years dwelling here they finally bought their last home together. So, moving into this house was a comfort and a heartache at the same time. My mother extended a gracious hand to me and my children allowing us to gain some ground after the rough several years of transition. As of now, I am scared, lonely, and wishing for my knight in shining armor to rescue me. Knowing this will never happen, reality has set in. I am contemplating torn feelings of excitement and intimidation, from a new beginning in a new home with different memories to be composed, compared to fond flashbacks of precious childhood moments recaptured in my mind that somehow continue to hit the replay button. I need to move on, I am leaving a place of what appears to be so secure (I'm not moving far, I'll be in the same town), yet relinquishing the shelter that consoles my soul in my father's death is a huge endeavor. There are people who constantly tell me to "get over it, your dad is in a better place, move on Kara." That only makes me want to scream "I CAN'T HELP IT! I MISS HIM!" Ever feel the need to run and hide? That's what I want to do when I hear those bogus words from these heartless idiots! Well, that's only my fleshly emotions being verbalized, they really aren't heartless and they really aren't stupid. These people are concerned and maybe want the best for me, but I sense that only time will allow these wounds to scar. As of now, I do not need salt poured onto the recurring open wounds. To put it plainly, I have to grow, it is a fresh season in my life. I may not desire to move but, I need to. There are things we go through in this world because it helps us to become fully who we are. God have mercy on me for not having the rebound or recovery status as that of a touch of a refresh button on a PC. I have to heal, reach restoration, which means there is a process of mourning, nourishment and invigorating maturation.

p.s.
All background data & information pertaining to Kara's post is not published to protect the creditability of those that Kara dearly loves. She refuses to expose, bring to light others faults and weaknesses. Acclaiming she has more than enough for everyone!

Let go or crash

There are some things I can not seem to let go of.....have you ever felt that way? Maybe its a materialistic object such as that favorite Christmas tree ornament, that unforgettable photograph, or the incredible, soft t-shirt that fits like your skin. Perhaps its a memory that runs so deep it seems as if it was yesterday, or the scent of that certain someone you never want to have to live without.
Then there are times I feel as if I'm running on empty, you know the moment you look down to your gas meter as the car is slowing down and you realize you forgot to fill the car up with -what's that stuff called again- oh yeah, gasoline. Well, our bodies can totally relate, we require food and rest. When those are absent we tend to dry up like a worm on the sidewalk in the summer time. For the past 3 months I have battled strep throat, which took 3 rounds of antibiotics to finally shoot down and last week I finished taking steroids to help get over the bronchitis that was stealing my voice. So, what does not letting go of something, running out of steam, and getting sick have in common? Well, there are some things in life that if not let go of will only bring us unwanted stress and physical disease. It will only eat us from the inside, making us so delusional that we can't imagine living without it. I've felt that with working out, with a man, with zest for attention, and you know what? There came a time when those things lost their appeal, the candy didn't taste as good anymore. The appearance was so scrumptious looking, very tempting yet my thirst, my quenching wasn't being filled. I needed something real and satisfying, something that would last. I had to let go of the comfortable things, be sick of the attachments and how they drained my soul and body. To finally come to the place where I would allow rescue from the crash ahead, because I had not quite recovered from the one I was in prior.
Now, I KNOW. The only thing that I desire to not be without is Him: my lover, my best friend, my ALL. My God, He gives me peace, and all I have to do to get it is be still. I've been with, I've been without, I don't know how I've made it this far, but I have. I can only thank Him and the ones that allow Him to be used by Him. Some are clueless, don't even know He is using them for His glory.....those are the best! Merry Christmas!

i blog, why?

So, my blog is not like most of my friends blogs, actually it is nothing like any of my friends blogs. I don't describe my day with the kids, or work, or what I've been doing, keeping people posted on my life. I just feel like it would be boring and its been done(not really, my life is quite the juicy drama at times, but let's just say I'm boring for the sake of the point being made in this entry). I kind of skip straight to the core of how I am feeling, what I'm processing in my noggin, the ugly truth of what spins around in my head all day long. Reality, I am a bit ashamed of some of my days spent. I'm not the typical gal that is found in the local towns hyped up magazine plastered with plastic surgery ads right next to the articles labeled 'God Loves You Just The Way You Are' or 'I'm Incredible because I'm Popular!'
No facade here, no fake persona, no boob job(even though I would totally get one, if it was free and done by the best Dr. in the industry). I don't hide anything, shying behind my job, my kids, or my make-up. I let it be known that I'm completely human, I screw up miserably on an hourly basis. I love who I love deeply and passionately, I easily offer compassion only because I KNOW what it is like to desperately need and want it. I write some of my most hidden secrets believing that I'm not unparalleled. I understand that everyone is unique and struggles with certain shortcomings, yet getting down to the nucleus, the foundation, the nitty gritty- is something we all can relate to. It's the heart of us that longs for more. I sense my worries, at times, can be overwhelming. Somehow I muster through, I guess because I have witnessed so much pain. Not just my pain, yet the weight of the ones that surround me or the dear souls I've met throughout my journeys. Others that have been beaten for their faith, starving for tangible food, fighting against diseases, and living in constant physical or emotional agony. This is why I don't mention the details of my own personal hell that I'm walking through, because no matter the circumstance: it manifest from the root. The root of who we are and where(how) we grew up. If we see a need -why not fill it? Reaching out to another presence, touching them with something so practical that can bring hope in ways that we will never fathom. Trusting and waiting for the root to grow and blossom, not wither up and fade because it has been neglected. There have been some incredible peeps in my life and I praise God for them due to their outstanding principles and non-judgmental mentality. Honestly, I have a hard time grasping the fact that I was shown mercy by these beloved friends. Not everyone is kind, they were not shown how to be such a thing. This is why we go to the mark -where it all started. "Love, love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, love is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." I Corinthians 13:4-8
I'm not your typical southern, 34 year old gal with four kids and four jobs. I'm flawed and I know it, yet I can LOVE.....UNCONDITIONALLY LOVE because He does. My God is great, let me show it. My God is LOVE.

i hope you find yourself

i hope you find how to love
i hope you hope
i hope for you

you are created
that is enough
you are

He is
because He is
no life circumstance can steal your peace

do your work well
have joy in what you do
don't look for the fruits of your actions

don't be careless
but do be carefree
the Self belongs to no one but you

its in the essence we are one
but in nonsense we are many

with the right understanding
you are eternally free