I feel

I would rather feel something than nothing: to feel terrible lets me appreciate the wonderful, seeing the worst helps me stand in awe of the beauty. To taste the poorest gives purpose to the most delicate of dishes, sweet aromas re-fuel the memories of our most treasured moments. Receiving comfort in the form of a joyful noise, brings us to adore the music made throughout this journey. Breathing life, not death...through our actions, our words and our thoughts restores the human soul.

I de-activated my facebook account

The coolest thing about facebook(FB) is that you are never alone. If your bored -post something and watch to see if anyone comments, if your having trouble sleeping -stalk your friends walls, if your seeking a relationship -send a message to your high school sweetheart or crush, if you need to procrastinate -gaze upon the thousands of photos that are posted by your friends. Basically, FB is a temple where you can go to step out of reality, get away from your stress, build yourself up, a web world where you can play games, seek ideas of what life is in theory by hundreds of people that you somewhat know. It can be used as a substance that will distract you from the finer things in life. My hypothesis is: we as the human race can, and choose to, be addicted to ANYTHING. We enthrall ourselves in hiding. We hide behind our clothes, our make-up, our jobs, our FB status, our fitness level, our food, our televisions, our alcohol, our drugs, our marriage, our school work, our every day addictions.
I recently de-activated my FB account, I'm sure it didn't offend anyone or my friends didn't take notice because of the endless activity that you can maneuver in the FB world. Yet, I encountered insignificance and it was great! I welcomed self, I embraced awareness. It was substantial to my spirit to know I was running from one thing to another and not gathering my thoughts. Being distracted with obstacles, entertaining myself and forgetting about my purpose, my goals. I necessitated a time to be alone, a period in my life where I felt as if I was at a stand still. I honestly believe I heard a voice saying, "God wants you, Kara. Be alone with Him." Me? There are billions of people on this earth, and God desires me? A scanty, petty, anthropoid that gets on some peoples nerves with my hyperactive energy, really? I admit it, I'm a spaz that likes to experience fun in life. But, I am complex and have multifarious faults. Half the time, that is all I recognize....my indiscretions. No matter, He...the most high, is waiting for me. To just be with Him and be still. His love is unending and His grace overwhelms my soul.
So, for a season, I am resting in just living in the moment. Away from FB, the phone, the t.v., the stores, the music, the objects that keep me tangled from enjoying life! The twinkles in our existence such as: watching the yellow butterflies that appear in September, the laughter and hugs I share with my children, the constant challenges I face as a parent and discovering new ways to maintain a positive outlook, the joy in knowing someone loves me unconditionally!
I may activate my FB account again, yet only to share this very post. Peace out...breathe life, speak truth, love more.

Selfish love

You can love and do so with every fiber of your being, yet to experience that same love reciprocated is another matter of its own. I watch people loving in theory by walking it out through their actions and emotions, yet I question is it real or just another beautiful performance? There are those of us that love unconditionally throughout our whole lives, always allowing others to be first....using kindness and compassion, coming across as self-less. Then for a brief moment, we take notice of ourselves, reaching to take care of self, attempting to enjoy self. What occurs next? Ridicule, accusations, brokenness. Others that have shame riding on their shoulders, bitterness in their brow and jealousy in their jaw shun us. We took notice for a period in time to gain knowledge of who we are, how to let the self express its awareness and focus on the hope of regaining energy, strength, or endurance so that we could somewhat provide our compassion. Comprehending that hope is what we long awaited for, living a sacrificial life. Pursuing the only one that can heal and provide for us, giving us EVERY need. Desiring an utopia, a destination that feels secure, a home like no other. God is with us, whether we choose to believe or not.

Can I even do this?

I can't really express what I truly want to say. If I did many would be of grave concern. I want to breathe, yet through the tears I am stumbling to. It is intensely hard to live and live fully when you are searching for light and hope. There will always be someone acting vindictive towards you or pushing you away as if you are used toilet paper. Life is not easy! Life is HARD and if it wasn't it wouldn't be worth living. My father fought to the very end of his life, he fought to breathe, he fought to smile, he fought to live and live as joy to all he met. He did not boast of his troubles to everyone around him. He shared by listening and doing.
I am tired, I feel so useless, yet I see my children and something buoys me to press on. I love them deeply and desire for them to see the very essence of God. The thing is, you might not find God in a church or places where people go searching for him. We find him in the heart of the broken, in the lives of those that have lost everything and surrender, having discovered his undeniable grace.
I will NOT share the pain I've been through or the rough times I plow through, because in those moments I would cry out for God: to heal me, to save me, to let me know that everything was going to be okay, that I would survive, that I wouldn't be alone, that I would be comforted.
We will face trials throughout our lives, I do not know how it will all panel out.....I just know that even with a dying sentence my father pressed on. I know people that have been through hell(physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually), it's a mystery to me at times how they cope. Here's the thing, when we suffer, he suffers. When our hearts ache, he is right there aching with us. I don't always understand why, but Abba loves us unconditionally -no matter what. I just know that I need that.
That's what my dad knew too. He knew people needed to see and feel God, so he listened and gave what he could through his time, through his work, through his obedience to God by listening to others and genuinely caring. Can I do this? Can I even attempt to pick myself off the floor, from my self-pity and selfish puddle of tears? I HAVE to, this life is worth it. My children deserve to know the truth. That love exists.