I don't want to move......

Today I am packing, packing my clothes, packing my kids toys, packing up my belongings that are scattered throughout the house. I've been in this house for a year and a half, moved here when my husband and I separated and my dad passed away in 2009. It is not just any house to me its the home where I grew up. My father and mother moved out in 2006, after 24 years dwelling here they finally bought their last home together. So, moving into this house was a comfort and a heartache at the same time. My mother extended a gracious hand to me and my children allowing us to gain some ground after the rough several years of transition. As of now, I am scared, lonely, and wishing for my knight in shining armor to rescue me. Knowing this will never happen, reality has set in. I am contemplating torn feelings of excitement and intimidation, from a new beginning in a new home with different memories to be composed, compared to fond flashbacks of precious childhood moments recaptured in my mind that somehow continue to hit the replay button. I need to move on, I am leaving a place of what appears to be so secure (I'm not moving far, I'll be in the same town), yet relinquishing the shelter that consoles my soul in my father's death is a huge endeavor. There are people who constantly tell me to "get over it, your dad is in a better place, move on Kara." That only makes me want to scream "I CAN'T HELP IT! I MISS HIM!" Ever feel the need to run and hide? That's what I want to do when I hear those bogus words from these heartless idiots! Well, that's only my fleshly emotions being verbalized, they really aren't heartless and they really aren't stupid. These people are concerned and maybe want the best for me, but I sense that only time will allow these wounds to scar. As of now, I do not need salt poured onto the recurring open wounds. To put it plainly, I have to grow, it is a fresh season in my life. I may not desire to move but, I need to. There are things we go through in this world because it helps us to become fully who we are. God have mercy on me for not having the rebound or recovery status as that of a touch of a refresh button on a PC. I have to heal, reach restoration, which means there is a process of mourning, nourishment and invigorating maturation.

p.s.
All background data & information pertaining to Kara's post is not published to protect the creditability of those that Kara dearly loves. She refuses to expose, bring to light others faults and weaknesses. Acclaiming she has more than enough for everyone!

Let go or crash

There are some things I can not seem to let go of.....have you ever felt that way? Maybe its a materialistic object such as that favorite Christmas tree ornament, that unforgettable photograph, or the incredible, soft t-shirt that fits like your skin. Perhaps its a memory that runs so deep it seems as if it was yesterday, or the scent of that certain someone you never want to have to live without.
Then there are times I feel as if I'm running on empty, you know the moment you look down to your gas meter as the car is slowing down and you realize you forgot to fill the car up with -what's that stuff called again- oh yeah, gasoline. Well, our bodies can totally relate, we require food and rest. When those are absent we tend to dry up like a worm on the sidewalk in the summer time. For the past 3 months I have battled strep throat, which took 3 rounds of antibiotics to finally shoot down and last week I finished taking steroids to help get over the bronchitis that was stealing my voice. So, what does not letting go of something, running out of steam, and getting sick have in common? Well, there are some things in life that if not let go of will only bring us unwanted stress and physical disease. It will only eat us from the inside, making us so delusional that we can't imagine living without it. I've felt that with working out, with a man, with zest for attention, and you know what? There came a time when those things lost their appeal, the candy didn't taste as good anymore. The appearance was so scrumptious looking, very tempting yet my thirst, my quenching wasn't being filled. I needed something real and satisfying, something that would last. I had to let go of the comfortable things, be sick of the attachments and how they drained my soul and body. To finally come to the place where I would allow rescue from the crash ahead, because I had not quite recovered from the one I was in prior.
Now, I KNOW. The only thing that I desire to not be without is Him: my lover, my best friend, my ALL. My God, He gives me peace, and all I have to do to get it is be still. I've been with, I've been without, I don't know how I've made it this far, but I have. I can only thank Him and the ones that allow Him to be used by Him. Some are clueless, don't even know He is using them for His glory.....those are the best! Merry Christmas!

i blog, why?

So, my blog is not like most of my friends blogs, actually it is nothing like any of my friends blogs. I don't describe my day with the kids, or work, or what I've been doing, keeping people posted on my life. I just feel like it would be boring and its been done(not really, my life is quite the juicy drama at times, but let's just say I'm boring for the sake of the point being made in this entry). I kind of skip straight to the core of how I am feeling, what I'm processing in my noggin, the ugly truth of what spins around in my head all day long. Reality, I am a bit ashamed of some of my days spent. I'm not the typical gal that is found in the local towns hyped up magazine plastered with plastic surgery ads right next to the articles labeled 'God Loves You Just The Way You Are' or 'I'm Incredible because I'm Popular!'
No facade here, no fake persona, no boob job(even though I would totally get one, if it was free and done by the best Dr. in the industry). I don't hide anything, shying behind my job, my kids, or my make-up. I let it be known that I'm completely human, I screw up miserably on an hourly basis. I love who I love deeply and passionately, I easily offer compassion only because I KNOW what it is like to desperately need and want it. I write some of my most hidden secrets believing that I'm not unparalleled. I understand that everyone is unique and struggles with certain shortcomings, yet getting down to the nucleus, the foundation, the nitty gritty- is something we all can relate to. It's the heart of us that longs for more. I sense my worries, at times, can be overwhelming. Somehow I muster through, I guess because I have witnessed so much pain. Not just my pain, yet the weight of the ones that surround me or the dear souls I've met throughout my journeys. Others that have been beaten for their faith, starving for tangible food, fighting against diseases, and living in constant physical or emotional agony. This is why I don't mention the details of my own personal hell that I'm walking through, because no matter the circumstance: it manifest from the root. The root of who we are and where(how) we grew up. If we see a need -why not fill it? Reaching out to another presence, touching them with something so practical that can bring hope in ways that we will never fathom. Trusting and waiting for the root to grow and blossom, not wither up and fade because it has been neglected. There have been some incredible peeps in my life and I praise God for them due to their outstanding principles and non-judgmental mentality. Honestly, I have a hard time grasping the fact that I was shown mercy by these beloved friends. Not everyone is kind, they were not shown how to be such a thing. This is why we go to the mark -where it all started. "Love, love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, love is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." I Corinthians 13:4-8
I'm not your typical southern, 34 year old gal with four kids and four jobs. I'm flawed and I know it, yet I can LOVE.....UNCONDITIONALLY LOVE because He does. My God is great, let me show it. My God is LOVE.

i hope you find yourself

i hope you find how to love
i hope you hope
i hope for you

you are created
that is enough
you are

He is
because He is
no life circumstance can steal your peace

do your work well
have joy in what you do
don't look for the fruits of your actions

don't be careless
but do be carefree
the Self belongs to no one but you

its in the essence we are one
but in nonsense we are many

with the right understanding
you are eternally free

Skeptical

At times, I fear that I have become skeptical of anything good happening to me. That I will never feel happiness or fulfillment in the form of exceptional health(quality of life), marriage, or sense complete peace with my job and financial status(providing for my family). Let's get real, I'm not the only one that questions this. As I struggle to be the best parent that I can be, I fail miserably in many concoctions. Then, if and when things are going too smoothly, I'm thinking in the back of my mind: "Okay, when is the big piano going to fall out of the sky and squash me?" Just like the old school cartoons!
I'm hesitant to celebrate, doubting the stars to shine in my favor. Yet, I know Jesus was not cynical or leery. This fabrication I've created in my psyche that nothing will remain positive, or be careful to not come across too exultant because at any minute the boogie man will run out to give you your death sentence, is an absolute a deception. Jesus was devoted to reconcile us to God. He was without doubt, assuring us that He was the way, the truth and the light. Nothing else should matter then, right? My flesh should not be of concern, concluding that there is some remedy for my need to rectify the decisions I've made. Acting out, postulating this is how it is. Pondering how you HAVE to go through hell because that is what this life is all about, gaining understanding so that we might desire heaven! No, flippin NO! That is not how God works. He is here with us NOW! God is bigger than my head, more enormous than any one's thoughts, vast beyond comprehension! We have no clue how amazing His love is! He adores when I'm flourishing, when we feel on top of the world. He aspires for us to see the obstacles in our lives and know they can be removed. He does scoop us up, if we allow him to, when we fall back and listen to that stinkin thinkin. Only to catch us and remind us, the best is yet to come. Don't settle for, or become to close of friends with, pessimism.

i don't feel so well

I don't feel so well at the moment. I am queasy and my head hurts. It could be that I am up at 2:30 in the morning and I need to get my butt into bed or it might just be that I ate too much ice cream. Actually, I smashed my face into the slide, while playing with my kids, at the playground this weekend. As if it was supposed to be synchronized for that exact moment, my son Andrew fell off the bars face first. There we were: both laying on our backs moaning from the pain asking if blood was pouring or dripping from our marks as my oldest son(Luke) says; "Whoa, I wish I could have recorded that! You should have seen your faces, you ate dirt at the SAME, EXACT TIME! That needs to be on America's Funniest Home Videos! We could be sooo rich!" Ha, I couldn't help but giggle through the throbbing aches. My children have humor, that gives me prospect.
Now(a day later), not only is my face too tender to touch, there is a perturbation that drifts in my existence. This disorder that disrupts and confuses me, frustrates the hell out of every strand of my being. I am fighting to descry the absolute positive, yet end up completely exhausted. What I am thankful for- is to feel this way, because the best of us fall down sometimes. We collide and suffer from the choices we have made. There were some crippling words exchanged with someone close to me today and I shed many tears not understanding this regrettable conversation. I fell, or shall I say I ran straight into a storm. Afterwards I stood in shock, in disbelief. This person has always communicated with me this way because I've allowed it. We were toxic towards each other and nothing was untangled, we left it as it was(a big pile of *fit your own word here*). I didn't use the humor that is embedded within me. I don't feel so well, because I can be better, I can do more, I can look for the silver lining, I can pass on an ardor worth sharing. Bringing light to a dialogue and not more headaches.

I feel

I would rather feel something than nothing: to feel terrible lets me appreciate the wonderful, seeing the worst helps me stand in awe of the beauty. To taste the poorest gives purpose to the most delicate of dishes, sweet aromas re-fuel the memories of our most treasured moments. Receiving comfort in the form of a joyful noise, brings us to adore the music made throughout this journey. Breathing life, not death...through our actions, our words and our thoughts restores the human soul.

I de-activated my facebook account

The coolest thing about facebook(FB) is that you are never alone. If your bored -post something and watch to see if anyone comments, if your having trouble sleeping -stalk your friends walls, if your seeking a relationship -send a message to your high school sweetheart or crush, if you need to procrastinate -gaze upon the thousands of photos that are posted by your friends. Basically, FB is a temple where you can go to step out of reality, get away from your stress, build yourself up, a web world where you can play games, seek ideas of what life is in theory by hundreds of people that you somewhat know. It can be used as a substance that will distract you from the finer things in life. My hypothesis is: we as the human race can, and choose to, be addicted to ANYTHING. We enthrall ourselves in hiding. We hide behind our clothes, our make-up, our jobs, our FB status, our fitness level, our food, our televisions, our alcohol, our drugs, our marriage, our school work, our every day addictions.
I recently de-activated my FB account, I'm sure it didn't offend anyone or my friends didn't take notice because of the endless activity that you can maneuver in the FB world. Yet, I encountered insignificance and it was great! I welcomed self, I embraced awareness. It was substantial to my spirit to know I was running from one thing to another and not gathering my thoughts. Being distracted with obstacles, entertaining myself and forgetting about my purpose, my goals. I necessitated a time to be alone, a period in my life where I felt as if I was at a stand still. I honestly believe I heard a voice saying, "God wants you, Kara. Be alone with Him." Me? There are billions of people on this earth, and God desires me? A scanty, petty, anthropoid that gets on some peoples nerves with my hyperactive energy, really? I admit it, I'm a spaz that likes to experience fun in life. But, I am complex and have multifarious faults. Half the time, that is all I recognize....my indiscretions. No matter, He...the most high, is waiting for me. To just be with Him and be still. His love is unending and His grace overwhelms my soul.
So, for a season, I am resting in just living in the moment. Away from FB, the phone, the t.v., the stores, the music, the objects that keep me tangled from enjoying life! The twinkles in our existence such as: watching the yellow butterflies that appear in September, the laughter and hugs I share with my children, the constant challenges I face as a parent and discovering new ways to maintain a positive outlook, the joy in knowing someone loves me unconditionally!
I may activate my FB account again, yet only to share this very post. Peace out...breathe life, speak truth, love more.

Selfish love

You can love and do so with every fiber of your being, yet to experience that same love reciprocated is another matter of its own. I watch people loving in theory by walking it out through their actions and emotions, yet I question is it real or just another beautiful performance? There are those of us that love unconditionally throughout our whole lives, always allowing others to be first....using kindness and compassion, coming across as self-less. Then for a brief moment, we take notice of ourselves, reaching to take care of self, attempting to enjoy self. What occurs next? Ridicule, accusations, brokenness. Others that have shame riding on their shoulders, bitterness in their brow and jealousy in their jaw shun us. We took notice for a period in time to gain knowledge of who we are, how to let the self express its awareness and focus on the hope of regaining energy, strength, or endurance so that we could somewhat provide our compassion. Comprehending that hope is what we long awaited for, living a sacrificial life. Pursuing the only one that can heal and provide for us, giving us EVERY need. Desiring an utopia, a destination that feels secure, a home like no other. God is with us, whether we choose to believe or not.

Can I even do this?

I can't really express what I truly want to say. If I did many would be of grave concern. I want to breathe, yet through the tears I am stumbling to. It is intensely hard to live and live fully when you are searching for light and hope. There will always be someone acting vindictive towards you or pushing you away as if you are used toilet paper. Life is not easy! Life is HARD and if it wasn't it wouldn't be worth living. My father fought to the very end of his life, he fought to breathe, he fought to smile, he fought to live and live as joy to all he met. He did not boast of his troubles to everyone around him. He shared by listening and doing.
I am tired, I feel so useless, yet I see my children and something buoys me to press on. I love them deeply and desire for them to see the very essence of God. The thing is, you might not find God in a church or places where people go searching for him. We find him in the heart of the broken, in the lives of those that have lost everything and surrender, having discovered his undeniable grace.
I will NOT share the pain I've been through or the rough times I plow through, because in those moments I would cry out for God: to heal me, to save me, to let me know that everything was going to be okay, that I would survive, that I wouldn't be alone, that I would be comforted.
We will face trials throughout our lives, I do not know how it will all panel out.....I just know that even with a dying sentence my father pressed on. I know people that have been through hell(physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually), it's a mystery to me at times how they cope. Here's the thing, when we suffer, he suffers. When our hearts ache, he is right there aching with us. I don't always understand why, but Abba loves us unconditionally -no matter what. I just know that I need that.
That's what my dad knew too. He knew people needed to see and feel God, so he listened and gave what he could through his time, through his work, through his obedience to God by listening to others and genuinely caring. Can I do this? Can I even attempt to pick myself off the floor, from my self-pity and selfish puddle of tears? I HAVE to, this life is worth it. My children deserve to know the truth. That love exists.

Why I love to surf

Yes, that is what I wrote, why I love to SURF. This past weekend I was blessed with the opportunity to learn how to surf. I woke up when the tide came in approximately around 5:45am. I did not have much sleep from the night before so I was literally pulled out of bed. When we arrived on the beach it was light out yet the sun was nowhere to be seen, the dark clouds were in the way. I imagined the water to be cool, yet it was perfect. My friend took off running into the ocean with their board, jumping onto it and paddling out into the water. I felt half asleep as I attempted to wrap the band around my ankle. I skipped over to the waves crashing onto the shore and realized I was finally doing it, I was going to accomplish another task off of my 'To Do' list. Number 13, on this list that I created when I was 20 years old, meant more to me than just marking off another goal. It hit me hard from the gulp in the back of my throat to the pounding in my chest. The very reason #13 was in my life expectations of goals to accomplished before I die was due to my dad. He surfed when he was younger, I cherished the stories he told me of riding the waves, the jelly fish stings, and how he and his twin brother shared a board because they only had one. He motivated me to one day try this en captivating sport.
So, there I was, a young-looking 34 year old woman staring out at the ocean ready to ride a fierce form of creation. I was ready, I thought to myself: "If my dad did it, so can I!" It was as if he was there, telling me to "Go for it!"
I ran in, hopped on, paddled out, caught glimpse of a wave forming, swam with it, pushed myself up and fell....then I did it all over again. Hit my head, hit my ribs, got back up, got knocked down again by the beastly crash of the water. Then it occurred, on the third try, as I jumped up onto the board: I had balance, I had strength, I was doing it, I WAS SURFING!!!
It felt amazing, to be guided on something so uncontrollable and so free, that at any moment it could throw you off or you could lose focus and slip. I continued to ride the waves throughout the next hour and a half. The sun came up from the outskirts of the waters horizon as the clouds moved. It was brilliant, God was there, creation was sharing its incomparable peace. Dolphins were jumping in the distance and the sound of the ocean was washing over my heart, restoring me. Yes, I will return to the water, this is why I love to surf. When I sleep - I dream of this, when I wake - I long for this. My God gives peace like these waters and He beckons my soul.

Tinkerbell

Tinkerbell(my daughter Eve)'s birthday was this Saturday. She is my little lion, her sign: Leo. I cherish how she plays with her dolls as if they are real, crawls in my bed when she gets scared, makes up songs about where we are going in the car, orders her three older brothers around, plays with my hair and tells me she loves me at least three times a day. It is quite amusing how my children do certain things to keep my heart feeling fluttered with joy. I am still amazed that I'm a mother and have the opportunity to experience such satisfaction. There is nothing on this earth that can describe the gratitude of a mother's heart. Don't get me wrong and think how cheesy I may be coming across.......my kids misbehave and I am very humbled at times when we take that awful trip to the grocery store. For goodness sakes, I have three boys- that should be enough said. They fight, they call names, they struggle sharing, and they are mine. At the end of the day they always ask: "Where is my hug and kiss, Momma?" Nothing can replace those tiny voices requesting for love and nothing can stop me from freely dispensing it.
My baby girl turned four and was so excited about it. She could hardly wait for her guest to arrive. She explained how all of us would be wearing a tiara, Seth objected after I explained what a tiara was. Eventually, everyone showed up. As the children sat at the table, my lovely friends and family were my aid to host the most adorable tea party in honor of Tinkerbell. Little teacups served with apple juice or hot tea, butter crackers and cookies, fruit and veggies with dip, and yummy birthday cake, it was a young girls delightful event. It was my little girl's day and I was so proud of her. Tinkerbell reminds Peter Pan(me) and the lost boys(her brothers) that you need pixie dust to fly; that there is plenty of time to grow up, so use your time wisely being in the moment- that you can take notice of all the small things in life that keep your heart pure. To sit and have tea, to enjoy the company you are with, to sing when you feel like singing, to never stop telling the ones that are closest to you how much you love them. Thank you Tink, the lost boys and I enjoy the pixie dust you sprinkle in our house and all around.

Picture Perfect

I thoroughly enjoy watching people. I could sit/stand in a mall, parking lot, or an airport all day long just staring at people. I guess its natural, we are designed to examine each other. When I’m observing mere mortals amongst the paths I cross, I become fascinated with the characters they portray. As if judging them on their looks or the way they carry themselves is going to tell me anything. This will scratch the surface, entertaining the shallow end of life. One can have a demeanor that gives me a tiny clue to what is occurring at that moment. Their countenance may speak volumes and their personality may be quite charming(or not), yet what is the depth of their identity? How can I recognize what lies beneath? Am I attempting to gaze past appearance and search out ones soul, and if I did, will I remove a covering that I didn't realize was there. Will it bring into light someone I can relate to? If I explore his/her authenticity, will I learn of compassion and not so much self absorption? To conceive some obnoxious idea that I understand where someone is coming from is absolutely absurd. Yet, judging another by their actions is even more preposterous! Fact; I haven’t walked in their shoes, I haven’t experienced their pain, and I don’t know what they have been forgiven of.
I can only master my response, which is determined to be one of peace.
There is no perfect human because all are flawed. Every single one of us has something that shines upon our imperfections. If we strive for picture perfect, all we will find is misery. So, should we embrace one another in honesty by saying: show me your pain, your damaged goods; to discover God within us, telling us: “I will show you the way, the way to be free.“ Free from bondage, suffering, facades, anything and everything holding us back from our fullest potential. He is our picture of perfection- that gave his only son as a sacrifice, that we might LIVE, and live abundantly! I adore people watching, what more fun is there than to see His glory, His workmanship!

A year without you.......

It has been a whole year without you, daddy. I didn't cry today, until now - when I finally had a moment to myself. I know people have been thinking of me - I felt it, thank you to those who sent beautiful thoughts my way. This past year has been difficult, I miss you more than my emotions can express. The life you lived inspired and encouraged me. Without you, I've struggled to find my own way. Now and from this moment on, I will choose to live and love fully, so that my children may experience your acceptance. Your heart will live on, the love and peace you gave so freely. I love you daddy and you will be forever remembered. I'm not letting go of you, your within my heart and I will see you shortly(yet seems like a lifetime for me). Earth is only the beginning of our journey.

home

Home, such a small word with a huge definition. A dwelling place, habitation, shelter, point where you reside, residence, refuge, destination, goal, a person's native country, a principal base of operations, the place in which one's domestic affections are centered, house, apartment, family, household, and we've all heard that old familiar term: "home is where the heart is." This weekend I had the opportunity to visit some of my family, my father's twin brother and his wife. I explained my excitement through a post on my facebook page that read: "I LOVE family, so comforting and reassuring to rest within such a safe place....family." All I wanted was to feel loved and not seen as a hindrance or some sort of nuisance, where I could be entirely real, completely raw and just me. To be perceived as someone that belongs, remembering where I had come from, where my roots were and how I was established. Home is the original location where you are accepted no matter the cost of what you've done or have become. It's where you can settle and exist without judgement or fear. It really has no set ground, it simply could be a person that makes you feel at home.
Maybe at times, we as individuals appear nostalgic or come across as fungible? We don't always explore our value and that is an easy way to lose sight of home. I realized I needed to surround myself with home. Getting back to the basics and embracing an atmosphere of reassurance, confidence, and a dwelling where I can aspire to be.........me. When we are home, we are allowed to comprehend and visualize the truth. Occasionally, we get tangled up in the negative, the past, the pain, the lies that surround us when we lose sight of home. Yet, all we have to do is make one phone call or reserve one flight(or shoot, just do what I did - hop in your car and take off) and we can be right back at home. Home gives us the ambition to live and live wholeheartedly. Home is not here on earth, its our destination.

i miss u

I was standing up in worship on Sunday during church, it was Father's day. The kids and I made rice krispies for their dad, so I dropped them off early that they could celebrate. I hurried through the slow motion traffic of my town to church, the band 'Mercy Me' was leading worship. Then they sang the song, the song that made me bawl like a baby! The song my dad introduced me to about 8 years ago, the one I put on his Memorial dedication video. This is the song that made me desire to hide my head in shame by wrapping my forearms around my head. I didn't want anyone to know, not only that I miss my earthly father yet I miss my heavenly father. I cried, skipping my breath with tears. "I can only imagine," really? Why that song on that day? My first Fathers Day without my daddy. Almost a year has passed and I'm still completely feeling the depths of my dad being gone. I miss you, I miss the very essence of you. I will never be the same, life without you is different. Not only are we apart, but the distance between God and me appears too much. In reality He is with me, this very instant. Yet, as humans we separate ourselves from Him through sin. But, His grace saves me like a strong man pulling me out of drowning waters. He speaks, knowing I desperately yearn to be comforted. Continue to love me Lord, that I might experience your hunger to fulfill my joy.

When do you stop?

So, when do you stop caring? Is there an appropriate time in your life that you stop caring for someone? Especially when this person has hurt you over and over again? I really don't know how to answer this one, because of who I am. I am not the type of person that gets burned easily. I play with the heat, I find it entertaining, discovering all its benefits (how it happens, functions, grows, dies, etc). Which is why I find it so challenging when I get burned because I learn to appreciate something about the fire or the person that reminds me God created this for some apparent reason. I watch it for quite some time, then allow my hands to warm up.....eventually my arms, torso, legs and feet are found enjoying the heat. Then it happens, I'm toasty. I feel completely warm and fuzzy all over. Within the snap of a flicker, I hear a "POP!" I start crying because - what do you know: I'm burned, my skin is stinging and I am in pain. Now, what do I do? I jump up and down, shout out how much pain I'm in, then start to run cool water over the burn. The throb is real, the scar is forever embedded on my skin and I am left thinking how and why did I allow this to happen? This occurs the same as the people in my life. I give them access to see me for who I really am and take pleasure in the warm, tingling sensations throughout my soul anticipating their presence. I'm not awaiting the discomfort, yet the flicker begins and the first degree burn hits me unexpectedly. I'm hurt by someone that I acquiesced passage into a doorway of my life. Then, as if the first degree burn wasn't enough, I act as if I'm resilient in more ways than one and grant permission to love AGAIN the people that tend to have an incurable history of burning bridges. So, not only do I end up with second and third degree burns, my awareness is heightened to the point of filtering everyone to where I come across as numb. These people require attention that I, alone, will never be capable of providing. There is an approach to reach out to them, but it is not for the faint of heart. I still believe -no matter how hard it gets, no matter who has enabled suffering into your life and through the sorrows we bear -that we are not to encounter vibes of elimination. I have committed horrible actions in my life, I am unworthy of anything good, yet God's perception of me is full of hope, full of grace, full of LOVE. This is why I love, why I get burned, why I trust that I can fall into a million pieces in His lap and identify with ALL mankind. So, when do I stop caring? I don't, my Lord has never given up on me. Why would I give up on you, He NEVER will? His love is enough, He laid His life down to prove it. I'm still here, scars and all. The numbness eventually dissipates and I am ready to love again. I am only strong because He has shown me His strength through all the layers of skin I have had burned. I'm forever weak and afraid, yet there is comfort in standing up after every burn knowing others have felt the flames too.

Who will love me for me?

What does love really mean, as I hear this song I contemplate whether I stand in faith or confusion. This may sound crazy, but at times I get suspicious and frustrated that I am too friendly. Do I stand my ground or am I allowing people to take advantage of me? I love smiling and birthing laughter in other faces, yet when I tend to open my heart to let my Creator shine through....its as if I become some sort of a target.
I walked into church this morning and could not, for the life of me, stay. It was Mother's day and I let my spirit be captured, against its will to find that I was caring about others judgement of me. So, hearing this song that repeats over and over, "Who will love me for me? Nobody has shown me what love really means." I exhaust myself with tears, all my life I have lingered and rested my head on His chest. Lately, not so much. Who will love me, not for what I have done or what I will become? Only one can, his name is Jesus. I am independent because I was blessed to have an incredibly strong mother. I do not ask for help and I always find ways to make ends meet. Yet, my faith feels thin. My belief is weary of his chest. I am terribly lonely and want a love that loves me for me. As of right now, I will sit and hope for love. To see it in others, to not be so friendly, to escape from here and now. I ask who is a free person? The one who is interested in liberating himself or herself from self-made bondage. It is completely in our hands whether to be bound or free. It is within my journey whether I will choose to love me for me and allow others to do the same.

yada yada

Life is challenging
Some make it
Some fake it
There are those of us....that just barely survive
Keep on, keeping on!

All I thought, was a lie

Yes, it seems I have misplaced my self-esteem. I don't think I really had it in the right place to begin with. I took for granted the things God has blessed me with. I let my heart be trampled on because I trusted lies. My world was shaken and I saw things through foggy glasses. I misread what truly was there. Beauty is what was before me, yet I saw a worthless, insufficient and useless piece of the puzzle. How amusing that my mind played games as if I was defective. It is not enough to see myself as invaluable or for someone to take so little account of me. We are priceless, whether you like it or not we are created in God's image. We can deface others or have people treat us less than what we are worth.....BUT how does that honor the creator? When we mock others or laugh at our insecurities what does that say of our trust in Him? Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT settle. The world and its enticing dreams will fade away, it will only last for a while. Then what is to become of us? It is so easy to be distracted, yet only God can restore us....bringing us to his lap for rest. All I thought was a lie, I saw ugly....he saw lovely, I saw disappointment...He saw grace, I saw hurt....he saw hope. I am of incredible worth, I belong to Him! He created me in His image, one that is pure, brilliant, and unique. Let Him remodel your thoughts so that the lies will cease and you may accept what is honestly there reflecting in the mirror before you.

Comforting Arms

I am up, unable to sleep and my thoughts rest on my faith. Do you question things? Like why things happen the way they do or wonder where is God in the mist of my sorrow or pain? I have been there yet, right now I feel as if I'm a ship lost in the storm. My compass is broken and my eyes are tired from the constant rain beating down on my face. I can no longer strain to see past this darkness and I'm weary from the waves crashing against me. I attempted for so long to hoist the sail and get through this storm, but it shall not pass. Atleast, until I realize I'm not the captain. When I let go and sit with the cold, harsh wind hitting my body I want to cry and pretend its all a nightmare. I know how I got here, I don't expect anyone to rescue or lend me a hand. My life has been just that: MY life! I didn't want to be the first mate, I wanted to be captain. I wanted to steer, I wanted to call the shots. Now, the storm is too much. I am overwhelmed and unable to focus. This is where I decline and inform you that I don't care anymore. Everything serves in time. Life continues to happen and I choose to rest. I'm done living in storms, I surrender to a place where grace wraps around me like a huge, fuzzy blanket. Where I am accepted for just that, accepted. There is this comfort that comes from a hug, not just any hug, but one that eases your tears, allows your shoulders to sink low and your head rest upon the chest. I imagine His comforting arms to be exactly that, and then some. Afterall, He is the captain! He is the most qualified, and doesn't take it personal when we get lost. He is there NO MATTER what we have done, to embrace and if we choose he will show us how to sleep in the eye of the storm.

It's true

I'ts true, we all struggle, some keep to themselves and few choose to boast. I will just say: "Help me with my unbelief Lord."

It's all in my head

I tell myself to be happy even under the circumstances. It really is all a mind game. To see the horizon for what it truly is and life as the greatest journey before me. Embrace love unprejudiced, expecting nothing in return. These lessons learned are forever embedded in my head.

This is what its like

I am missing you daddy! I can't seem to help but wonder how things could be different if you were still here. I'm tired daddy, where can I lay my mind so sleep may come? Yet, I am forever thankful for the times we shared, for the memories I now treasure and the laughter you brought to me and my children. I am blessed to have had such a wonderful dad. Not many get to experience the love of a kind and compassionate father. Whether it be the love of a mother, of a sister, brother, friend, aunt, uncle; whomever it is that has shown you that love exist, cherish them and the seconds you hold together. For this is what its like when they are gone, an empty spot inside you that can never be filled again. I am comforted to know he lived and lived fully, he loved unconditionally. He accepted people where they were at and did anything for them. This is how Jesus loves and how we can see that love is real. Smile, because someone loves you and you too can love.

April showers

At the end of this month is my father's birthday, April 27th. He would have been 63 this year. Not a day has gone by where I haven't thought of him, since his death. I miss him. He taught me so much; to see both sides of the story, to help others in need, how to laugh when it gets hard, to work, to appreciate what you have, and be the best at anything you put your hands to because doing so gives glory to God. He was a mighty giant, he was a warrior. He was my hero! April showers bring memories of my unforgettable father, so if you notice a tear or two from my eyes it's because I miss my hero. My dad was the BEST dad!

I thought I felt you smile

It was a Monday night and I had to teach yoga. I was overwhelmed with this incredible joy. The room felt thick and full of beautiful energy. It was as if you were there daddy. As if you were smiling at me. I couldn't stop smiling, I was so content to feel your presence. Then the tears of joy wanted to let loose, but I knew my class would not understand. So I held back the tears and just smiled.

Okay, so that's NOT my name

I love teaching aerobics, I find it amusing and ALWAYS entertaining. Although lately, I have been getting in quite a bit of trouble at work so, it hasn't been the same. I've had to, how can I put this lightly, contain some of my energy. I have NO clue (hehehe) who keeps ratting me out. Could be a member at the gym or a fellow co-worker, whoEVAH it is- I would enjoy sharing a few choice words with. I am laughing writing this because my motto, when I teach lately, has been to not share my real name during class. I introduce myself as Linda or Stacy, yet when I'm really feeling frisky I use a fellow instructors name. People that are acquainted with me and have been attending my classes let out a giggle or two. It totally makes my spirit light up because it reminds me of that song "That's Not My Name." Which brings me to my incredible, intense point. The song quotes: "they call me Stacy, they call me her," whatever it is they call her she claims "That's NOT my name!" In life, people assume that they know me or think that they know me because they know my name or what it is that I do....in actuality they have no clue. Truly, there is only one that apprehends me. Yes, it's God. Honestly, who else could know us inside out and still want to be with us? Some read my blog and say I'm hurting or sad, the fact is I'm plowing through, attempting to understand why and how I can get to utopia. It is NOT our job to know other peoples business or meddle in their lives trying to create more tension. We are here to know God, to share God, once that happens we will be with Him forever. So, until then.....that's not my name.

So Much More

There is so much more to this life than we can fathom. I needed a laugh today & someone made it happen. I know through my struggles & weaknesses that there is always hope. It may not feel as if it is there or even around the corner, yet it is. Last year when I lost my father to cancer I didn't feel an ounce of hope. As much as I prayed & cried, I felt completely alone. Sometimes, I still feel utterly isolated, unmatched, unaided, and as someone that deserves to be left desolate. Unremarkably, our creator has a totally different view of things. His perspective of me (of you) is profoundly and passionately intense to the point of Him sacrificing the most beloved gift known to mankind: His son. We are valid, for some insane reason his concern & compassion for us is off the charts. He reaches to us, yearns for us as we yearn for security & comfort. There is no one except God himself that has the capability to not only represent but significantly fill our desires and remove us from the torture of pain. He, if we allow, will offer the experience of a lifetime, providing fullness, contentment & everlasting joy! In the evening I see Him in my childrens breath as they sleep, in the morning I hear Him as He wakes me with the birds song of delight. If I seek him, through this journey He has bestowed upon me, I will find Him. It is everything that surrounds me where I can acknowledge His presence, I just need to be still, be quiet & ahhh....he is with me. And amazingly enough He gives me what I need, just like the much needed laugh from a friend!

Pain & Suffering

There is a reason for pain & suffering, although I can not see it just quite, yet. This too shall pass & when morning breaks I may discover the lesson learned to get me through my heartache.

I love you, yet you don't love

How do people fall in love? We can scientifically try to explain how our bodies produce certain hormones and its natural. After all isn't it built in us to reproduce?

Someone once told me: "I won't fall in love with you." It stung worse than any bug bite and my stomach started to feel sick, I almost threw up. You see I have this beautiful gift, and quite possibly the worst gift in the world when it comes to the heart. I love unconditionally. This is why friends tell me anything and everything. They know I will accept them NO MATTER WHAT. And, what they tell me in confidentiality will not go past my ear drum. I find it hard to hate someone, no matter what horrific sin they have committed. This puts me at a very difficult place when it comes to relationships. I continue to let the person back in, embrace and allow them kill me softly again. I can't imagine what God goes through every minute. He listens, he embraces, he loves unconditionally, and the 6 billion people in the world that he knit together piece by piece in the womb- reject him on a daily bases. I know when someone leaves, and my heart is bruised that God has been there, done that, and I can uncontrollably cry on his shoulder. I have to remember not everyone knows how to love and through time maybe they might not only see it yet, feel it. Then, maybe they can share it. Or, their heart might just have been beaten to a pulp and our gracious Father can restore & repair it (when they are ready (to surrender and let him)).

Daddy will always be near......

You may not see him, but he's here.

The Circus

Here's the thing, in life, we have the choice to do whatever we want! As a child I wanted to run away & join the circus, I desired to become a clown. Many laugh because they know me, and how I adore standing in the sea of joy. Not letting others hinder us from what we may become is a challenge. Surrounding ourselves with optimistic thinkers and encouraging motivators may inspire us. Yet, when we encounter the realist and the pessimistic downers of this world, we can get side-tracked.
This is no secret, we have the ability & opportunity to become ANYTHING! It is quite exciting! The mind is a powerful tool, many preach and tell of how it is only mind over matter. I imagine, and know the best is yet to have arrived. My God will meet me and supply ALL my needs. My life may come across as overwhelming at times, running around with four children can resemble a circus act. I'll be pushing a shopping cart in the middle of Wal-Mart, thinking things are fine until a fight breaks out with my three boys. People stare, laugh, comment and I in the chaos am humbled.
Nonetheless, moments occur where I'm sitting and watching my children play outside(them unknowingly of my presence) where they are sweet and kind towards each other....and peace washes over me. I love my circus! I embrace the consequences to the choices I've made; and attempt in every way to uncover how my God can use me. Use me in this circus act of my life. Apprehending, how there is more to come and I can rest assured perceiving that the desires of my heart were buried there for a reason. He holds the key to such treasures and will make them discovered by my following Him.

Scared

Eve woke up screaming & crying, she was scared. It was dark, so she probably felt lost. She cried out for me, so I ran to pick her up in my arms to let her know that she wasn't alone. I was there to comfort & hold her, assuring her that there was nothing to fear. I wiped away the tears that were rolling down her face & tucked her by my side, where she fell back to sleep. I believe that happens to us all the time. We get to these points in life where we are completely lost, in the dark, afraid, lonely, fearing the worst & crying out for help. And, if we just say His name: Jesus.....he's there, wiping away our tears that have been streaming down our cheeks. Bending over to put us on his shoulder and carry us to safety. For it is God that loves us whole, only he can calm our thoughts and remind us that He is our daddy. Our security blanket, our assurance, that he is just those things. Daddy holds us, to let us experience the rest we need. The rest that only occurs tucked in by his side.

Today is a New day!

Today is a new day, the sun finally decided to come out from playing peek-a-boo with the clouds after a week or two of rain & snow. It is beautiful watching the sun rays fall through the windows. Right now, I'm so content sitting in the local Chic-Fil-A playground area admiring the energy spent by my giggly children due to the sugar attack from the ever so lovely ice cream. I believe some joys can not be captured in words, there are moments in life where words will never be enough- time in space that can only be felt, not expressed through readings or writings. I am in this current stage of life where everything seems at a stand still & I'm okay with that. My computer crashed last month when I was getting prepared to launch a web-site, everything gone: pictures from hundreds of memories, a thousand songs on my i-tunes, a book I was writing & videos for my web-site. Of course, I was extremely sad because I had no back-up, yet I imagined the thousands of Haitians that lost so much more. I am content, yet my heart still aches at times for a better world, one where we honestly love as Jesus does. To be the sunshine that shines through other hearts so that they might know of the incredible, intense love & joy that can only stem from our heavenly Father. God is beautiful & resting in Him is where being content is explored and we can be free to just be!

I Ran

Today I went for a run, I decided to try to break my 25 minute three mile.....so I was speeding & pushing. I started out on the treadmill then ended up in the cold outdoors (with shorts on), to finally finishing on the indoor track. I literally was dragging my feet afterwards because I ran my 3 miles in 22.5 minutes! Its my new shoes, it has to be!
During the run I began to cry, I know whah-whah, I'm a crybaby. I couldn't stop. I felt as if I was beating my body up due to pushing myself so hard. Isn't it crazy how we abuse ourselves & act as if its ok? So many of us are in pain & suffering, yet we deceive our minds and pretend if we try harder or push just enough we will be better, feel better.
We make choices, imagining only the best, then end up with scars. I started to cry during my run today because I saw how God sees me. I saw a young used, abused, confused and worn out lady, but HE still wants me! He said my name and that's all he had to do, because his tone was in love. The torture I put myself through because of my selfish thoughts, he still cared, he still remained. I ran, from Him. I was ashamed and knew I didn't deserve His mercy. Yet, He pursued me. He knew I would eventually fall from all the stones. Stones of rejection and wrath, stones that were created by words from people that can not hide their ignorance. No matter what the stones were made out of or who they were thrown by, He was ready to catch me. He was there to pick me up, so that I might not drag my beaten body and broken spirit. He has this power that no one else can compare to, where his heart is more than enough to hydrate me when I am completely depleted. I cried knowing that if I had surrendured sooner, the bruises would have been healed by now. My Saviour loves me NOW, this very moment, every moment. He waits for us, waits along side of us, until we let him in to restore our joy. Trust Him, not me.....I'm just crying because I can see Him running TO me and not from me.

yuck

Feeling so bland today. My desire to eat is not really there. I want so badly to hit the refresh button in my head. If I could just program myself to not feel this way, life might quite possibly be much easier. My hopes, dreams are gone at this moment & I am laying here longing for my body to magically produce endorphins, so that I can soar again. Where are you Lord? I am nothing without you.

These are a few of my favorite things......

Being that I, Kara Christine Adams, am turning the year of our Lord (plus one) this coming Wednesday, I am registered at Target and Barnes & Noble. Just kidding, just kidding, just kidding. But, seriously my birthday wish list is world peace and a garlic press. I am super excited to turn another year older, this weekend I had the greatest pleasure to spend time with my best friend (who is currently the year of our Lord -1) in her town of Raleigh, NC. Alyssa Katherine IS one of my favourite things, she showed me how God loves 21 years ago when we made acquaintance. God accepts at all times and that's what she did. Thank you Alyssa, I love you and cherish our friendship. My children ARE my favourite things, they continuously teach me to pray earnestly and see through their eyes, eyes that know not of a world filled with hate and shame. To see beauty through innocence and not old, warped, broken glasses. I have love because I am loved and I give love. Thank you mom, thank you Dana, thank you family and friends for your love and your time, your efforts and endless memories. Every year gets better, no matter the hardships or trials I face. I am loved and my vision becomes more precise each passing year, not due to my optimism yet, because of whom I am blessed to be with. God shares only His best and if we seek it, we might find that standing in the waterfall of His grace is the ONLY way to experience the fullness of life.


Ps.
Okay, okay, if world peace can not be covered than I will gladly accept a cover case for my coolpix camera or the most awesome book evah: The Secret Language of Birthdays by Gary Schneider and Joost Elffers! For those of you that don't know me....still kidding, yet let's celebrate because I'm so fun!

Six year olds

Last Monday, my youngest boy turned six. My handsome boy, Seth Elliott, knows just how to find your soft spot. He is officially known as "Boo" in our home and he can out snuggle anyone. He makes us smile with his car obsession, he has always loved them and could handle his electric jeep at the age of 1.5 (more so than his older brothers)! Every day he tells me: "I love you mommy," and every other day he says: "Your the best Mommy ever!" Yes, I do believe he knows how to soften many of hearts. He is very thankful, which in turn allows me to learn from him. His grateful heart inspires me to see through this life with loving eyes. He delights in laughter, he falls down and gets up with zeal, and he completely loves. He is tough, at the age of three he had to have 7 staples in his head due to an accident on the brick steps of our house. He and his brothers were playing hard, for a moment (well, several moments) I lost it. There was blood everywhere -on his shirt and his dad's shirt. I freaked, my baby boy was hurt and I had to watch him suffer through pain. He recovered quickly, showing that toughness. He may be tough when it comes to playing rough, but I get to experience his warm hugs, encouraging words and precious kisses. Happy 6th year boo, I love you. Your my baby bear and I wouldn't trade you for anything.