just letting it OUT!

The room is warm, its quiet and there is no sound, its completely still. I lower to my knees and although the room is comfortable, I am not. I am shaking, scared & quivering. I'm at a loss for words and all that moves in the room are my tears off my cheek bones unto my dampened blouse. If only he would swoop me up, rescue me. Deliver me from this heartache and pain. I keep telling myself I'm not alone, yet there is no one to pick me up as I sink deeper towards the floor. PLEASE stop telling me: 'the Lord is your husband,' don't tell me: 'obviously, you need to be alone right now,' we were not made to walk this life alone. A city is not built by one person! A building does not just appear because someone thought of it, it took labor from many workers. The disciples discipled many and Jesus fed a multitude of people. Living where I live makes me miss my YWAM buddies, who had a clue of what community was! I'm tired, I miss my dad because when I called him he was there for me, someone to ALWAYS talk to. I'm full of wonder how on earth some people love me the way they do. A dear friend just swoops in and grabs my kids to watch them so I can teach, as another hands me a check to assist with my rent! I don't deserve that, I've been a lousy friend to everyone. I've been such a silly busy bee trying so hard to make ends meet. I see evidence of God's hand in my life. His beauty outweighs my heavy burdens. His grace propels me to do more which in turn allows me to use his eyes to see and not so much my selfish ones.

Picture a young woman losing her precious little child in an unexpected death and during her mourning sits down at her piano to sing:

I Have come with one intent
One desire to fulfill
to worship you Lord
Laying down everything
Falling at your feet I sing

You alone are worthy
You alone are faithful
You alone are God
And worthy to be praised

i want to write, i want to encourage, because when i do something unleashes in me

Last Sunday my 8 year old baby boy got dunked, I mean baptized. I had the honor of praying with him Christmas Eve 2011 to accept Jesus Christ as his Lord and Saviour. We were reading the bible, the Christmas story of when Jesus was born and I was describing how Jesus came to earth to walk with us and Seth spoke out saying "I want to know Jesus like that! I want to talk to him too!" So we read through some Romans scriptures and we talked about how Jesus was sent to cover all our sins. Seth prayed that night to have God's heart and begin his relationship with the maker of heaven and earth. I did start to cry a bit when he stepped into the water last Sunday and I was overjoyed. What could be better than your flesh and blood desiring a journey of hope.

Laptop open, heart bare, sounds of small children sleeping next to me. I just finished my algebra homework. Thanks to amazing friends who watched the kiddos for a bit earlier, I couldn't of plowed through my overdue hw without the grace they have extended to me. I am so blessed. I was a t-total brat the past couple of days complaining about my mail not being delivered for over a month. 2011 W-2's, books for work, and a surprise baby shower invite for a dear sweet friend were amongst the lost mail, I have no idea what else might have been in the lost sea of information, but obviously it doesn't matter. I missed out on some things and I was very angry. I didn't FEEL like dealing with another problem or issue! My mind went to a place that was unacceptable, I started to focus on the negative, the circumstances. I took comfort in my skin and believed the overwhelmed chains of my daily routine were too much to bear. I actually felt sorry for myself. Told ya, capital T-total BRAT! My thoughts dwelled on all the hardships, being a single mom trying to battle the disrespect of an 11 year old and giving enough attention to all four of my babes, feeling lonely, running a business all by myself(wondering how on earth is anything going to get done??? -advertising, cleaning, accounting, bills, Facebook & e-mail responses dealing with the biz, blah blah blah), working from 9 to 9, getting my schoolwork done along with each of my children's, missing my dad, coming home to laundry, dishes, etc. etc. etc. I didn't WANT 1 more thing to HAVE to do!!!! I got ANGRY at the postal service, now how stupid is that?! It's like my brain wasn't functioning right. Wallowing in despair, what good will that ever do? No matter how bad our trials or circumstances may be, we forget where our focus should be......upward. In Psalm 121:1 it says "I lift up my eyes to the hills- where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and Earth!" God has already overcome this world for us! -John 16:33 When I sit still and reflect on his faithfulness, on everything he has done in my life......I have NOTHING to fear or fret over. He has always shown me favor, I have never been without food or clothes and a roof over my head. I know people that have given up their entire lives to serve God in places where their children's lives are threatened on a daily basis and they NEVER complain! They just do what has to be done, no questions asked! They take up their cross and follow Jesus! They KNOW the price that has been paid for their lives, they have fallen in a deep amazing LOVE with a God that will never leave them nor forsake them. A love that can not be quenched by a lover, a friend, or for that matter not any other earthly relationship. Can you imagine being stoned or hung upside down on a cross to be crucified? To be put in prison for telling people about Jesus, about the Bible? I have friends in India that have been disowned by their families for converting to Christianity. Their houses burnt down because they believe in a God that sent Jesus to cover all of our sins. As this happens they count it ALL joy!?! It is reality to them, and they continue to see their sufferings as NOTHING! Pondering on these things brings me back to the present moment where I am, humbling my soul. I do not consider these things lightly. I am thankful and challenged to do more! To be the hands and feet of our Lord Jesus Christ. To not just preach it with my lips yet walk the walk of compassion, grace, and mercy. To see a need and fill it, to love the most unlovely, and to offer everything that I can. I know I can do so much more, have I really done ANYTHING thus far in my journey? Take a trip to a third world country and see what christians sacrifice, its a whole new perspective! Shoot, take a trip around your neighborhood....rake up your neighbors leaves or mow their lawn, give someone a ride that doesn't have a car, make sandwiches for 5 extra people when you go to the park and pass them out or leave them on the bench while you throw frisbee and see how God opens the doors to the people you serve. Pay for someones gas or groceries, because GOD is bigger than your bank account! He's huge and our troubles are NOTHING compared to his glory. What an adventure we get to live daily when we meet with our maker and allow him to share his gift and love through us!

By the way.....my mailbox was FULL today(approximately half of the stuff I was missing). I know the rest will come -because my God is cool like that, he's got my back and cares. I don't need to worry, he's faithful to ALL generations! Just read up on him in the Biblia.

me? complain? nah....

yes, you read it right, i don't ever complain. bhahahaha.

i'm really hapi right now. it's weird but i'm totally hapi. i think i have some sweet angels praying for me or something. I feel like i am 21 all over again! its not a man, its not money, its not a new outfit, its GOD! his peace is real, his kindness is invigorating, his compassion is compelling, and his forgiveness is contagious! I love him and am stoked about what he is doing in me and the people i am around. i am blessed to have 4 sweet fun loving kids! they make me smile like i just won free rent for a year. Today, I paid the deposit for the Africa trip I'm going on in November and can't believe after 21 years i have the opportunity to finally go! this is huge and i can't wait! God has crazy amazing plans, i don't want to get in the way so i trust him. we each have purpose, this life may not be easy but all of us have a purpose! getting discouraged only waste time, because Jesus has already conquered this world and overcome death! what more proof do we need than seeing his glory ascend from the earth and soon one day to return? the more i read the word of God(Bible), the more i get excited! maybe its being in my thirties that makes me so thrilled to share & extend God's grace? Don't be too quick to judge, there are definitely days that i am overwhelmed and want to call it quits. Yet, I PRESS on. Pressing through something is not lightly done. Pressing a button takes effort, pressing a door open can acquire some leverage, pressing an object or someone aside requires strength. so, i do not take the word 'press' lightly when used spiritually. Philippians 3:12 states- "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." I continue on my path to see what he has in store and to discover what he will unfold/unpack before me. Pressing on and into him! I feel like he is cheering me on saying, "DON'T give up, I have NEVER & will NEVER give up on you!" His plans FAR out weigh mine! Psalms 118:5 "When hard pressed, I cried to the Lord; he brought me into a spacious place." So taking myself from feeling pressed in and upon, I press through with his will and not my own! And that is when he can bring me to the place where I can breathe.

John 15:13 says "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."

Stand in his presence, drink of his love, be intoxicated by the maker of heaven and earth! His love is better than ALL things!