What is this addiction I have of posting my most intimate thoughts in web space? I guess I fear if I do not put it out there it will stay within me. It might be that I am just reaching out to someone/anyone that will hear me. The strong independent single mom that comes across needing no assistance and can handle this life trusting God to no end -STRUGGLES! I am scared to death. I don't know how He does it but he does. God provides for me, more than enough! Yet, does this mean as I sit here bawling that I am capable of getting through everything this life will unveil. I signed a two year lease for my studio yesterday, WHAT was I thinking???? I didn't, I trusted as I trust every week that food will somehow magically appear in my fridge to feed my four precious babies. What really baffles me is tonight when I looked in my bathroom mirror to brush my teeth I didn't recognize the woman in it. I started crying and couldn't stop. I called out for my dad and of course there was no reply. Two years have passed and I still want to pick up the phone to call him and tell him I'm heading over because I'm frightened or I need him to watch the kids. He was there for me and directed me to Jesus every time. I am NOT okay! I am missing a HUGE part of my grounding. I'm not angry just completely lost on how to handle death so close.

Now the fun news: my ex-husband called me last week and informed me of his engagement, he said the kids were excited because they really liked his fiance. Yet as the week progressed the boys showed their concern. They now have more broken pieces to this puzzle they have to figure out called life. It was subtle but it was there. Originally, the southern red-neck Kara wanted to scream. I HATE the fact that another woman is going to act as a mommie towards my children. I do NOT like sharing, especially my children! She is a sweet lady, yet she has no idea the sweat and tears I've labored over each of my love bugs. The countless prayers for each of them and the precious moments that NO ONE needs to try to replace with new ones. This too shall pass. Yes, I wrote these thoughts out loud. I don't need to be consoled, just wanted to express it. I am not alone.

All some people interpret from my writings is blah blah blah blah. HAHA. I had to say it, I miss companionship. We were made for communion, not worthless attempts of single-hood. Why would God bother to create us if he couldn't hang out with us? Alright, I'm done venting, good night.

fist fight in a yoga studio......

I heard a loud sound, like something big fell. i was teaching and yes, my children were in the next room. the BOOM that scared my sweet yoga students while in their shvasanna was the front door being hit, one of my boys hit it with his leg. he was pushed by his younger brother. the door is glass, so from bottom to top of the door there is this huge crack. looks classy after i painted the door to hide the damage. i love my life!

snuggle time!

four kids: 11, 9, 7, & 5 plus me in a king size bed. Comfortable? NOT at all! yet, they are my kids and i love them no matter what. that's how my heavenly father feels about me. i can never disappoint him because he knows EVERYTHING that i am going to do. it always amazes me how HE loves me and it shows how he provides for me. I'm such a screw up, kind of feeling like no one wants me but HE does. watching my little ones sleep makes me want to kiss their adorable faces and hug them tight. Thank you God for wanting to do the same with me.

scared to death!

I am incredibly scared. I have friends that never worry about anything and i have friends that worry about EVERYTHING. Me, i think i only worry when i'm tired and haven't eaten. How am i going to get through this? through this single parenting business? One buddy of mine says, "i think it's time to go jump off a bridge." Hmm, maybe not.

Yes, I finally have a working car now. I am not very excited about this because with it comes a car payment. I am not much for the debt game, it took 10 years of a bad marriage to learn that. I need to shut the front door! STOP bad mouthing KARA!

35 cents

Dishes are done, laundry is folded & put away, kids are in bed, lights are off and i am being naughty. Instead of reading, working, or sleeping.....i am on someones facebook page. I try not to get caught up in all that because i really do lead a busy life which normally gives no chance for play. As i gaze upon the endless web drama that floats into the great abyss -i am distracted. These past few months have been changing me. I am once again without a car. The only difference this time is the 110 degree heat index. People question me and ask "how do you do it? 4 kids, life, how do you do it Kara?" I honestly don't know, I just do. How does any single mom make it these days? How did my dad go through the hell he went through as he was dying from the brain tumor that consumed his life? A man came up to me and asked for 35 cents the other day and I thought "How can he do that?" Sometimes it takes losing everything to find yourself humbled and begging for 35 cents, what the hell can you buy for 35 cents anyway???? I often put myself in others shoes. What would make me ask a perfect stranger for change? I wanted to know what this man had been through, I wanted to follow him to see where he lived, to see if there was anything i could do to give him hope? Then it hit me how spoiled i am. Yes, i may struggle to provide a house and food for my children yet, I'm still spoiled. I am completely spoiled, I had ice cream today. My entire body is in pain from lack of sleep, yoga 4 times a day, bicycling around town with four children in ridiculous heat, & attempting to run a business. YET, I am a spoiled ROTTEN brat! These circumstances have changed me, I am content and not looking for someone to save me or secretly hoping to hit the jack pot(which btw I'm not objected to). We get used to/familiar with the circumstances we are faced with. Nothing amuses us or shocks us. Some may quote this mundane, but i say spoiled. Why do we act ruined, damaged, and useless? How could i turn that poor man away without giving him 35 cents? How, you guessed it because I'm spoiled. Walking the streets of my town I have become somewhat calloused. Not towards others yet towards myself. I deserve zilch. So what I constantly tell myself is "what i go through is nothing compared to what my Lord went through." Yea, I wrote it out loud.....I LOVE God, i know that I'm not the greatest person to represent Him -maybe that's why i love him so much! He takes me in just the way i am, with or without the 35 cents.