Life can be good

Yes, life can be good despite the choices we make. We are full of bad choices, we are ordinary and plain. Yet, there is ONE that sees the worth in us.
I have four AMAZING children and I love them so much it hurts at times. I desire the utmost for them. I want them to know this is not where life begins, our life begins when we find God. Without knowing our Creator, it is pointless. When we discover a slice of Him, we have a glimpse of hope and who we are. Our lives are meant to be so that we may plumage through all the shit and treasure what is real. Children, spouses, sisters, brothers, friends, we are all tangible and the depths of us are overwhelmingly beyond our control. When I seek comfort I will find none, unless I seek the right source. This world we live in is scary and full of lies, it is not our fault. People are human and can only make their decisions based on what they grew up in and around, yet there is a possibility if we dig deep enough awareness can arise. Should we cast blame or seek the truth, what is hidden in our hearts? I am desperate for peace, I long for truth, there is something that stirs within that I must not ignore. Life is more than struggling through each day, there is more than pain. We can find ourselves in a hole that appears preposterous to get out, nothing we presume will get harder. Then it happens, the disaster in us, the tornado from our past, the jagged knife that rips us in half. A few of you know what I'm describing, some are clueless, others will unfortunately tread later. The loss of a loved one, the unborn that never have a chance, the abuse of another, the raping of ones soul, body or mind, rejection, self sacrifice or the injustice of a cruel system. How we embrace this disease, this sorrow, this affliction is the key. Are we oblivious to it, attempt to run away from it, linger in the depression, or tackle it head on?
Yes, life can be good. Opening our eyes to observe the light that shines in through the blinds, that burst through the clouds which originated from such a compelling star(unlike any other in the universe). The author of this bright light is so powerful and can demonstrate to us how not only to survive, but LIVE! It may take some time to see it, then again it may not.....let the sun shine on you, that you may know life is good. That you may know God is good and only desires the utmost for you. Our decisions can lead us into trouble, yet our God can lead us to a life full of light.

Distractions

Sometimes I want to say it out loud, or shoot -even if I could just scream it! At least, that's how I feel. I want to speak truth and have it in return. I get so tired of the games people play. I don't agree with someone dragging others through the mud because they feel the need to justify their own beliefs. I am exhausted from the lies, the threats, the gossip, the flakiness of the fakeness! It's as if some people are like onions, each layer has more of a stench to them. And I, the optimist that I am, keep hoping as I continue to peel away through the tears to discover the essence of what is (supposedly) a soul. You may be wondering what any of this has to do with distractions. The smell of an onion is somewhat distracting. It has such a strong vapor that it can literally make you cry. It feels as if it is an attack on your tear glands. What is really happening is gas being dispensed from the onion reacting with the water in your tears to form sulfuric acid. The sulfuric acid burns, stimulating your eyes to release more tears to wash the irritant away. The crazy aspect of it all: if you never have cut an onion before.....you wouldn't know this scenario was going to happen by just looking at the onion. So who cares if the onion is full of flavor and has the properties of medicine. Onions are used in the treatment of diarrhea, colds, intestinal parasites, gallstones, and rheumatism. The very compounds that give onions their pungency, taste and smell have been identified as substances that may fight cancer.
What is distracting us from getting to the core, that will help us to wash away the impurities and irritants of ourselves? I could give you a long list of my distractions, but I won't bore you. Yes, some people are like onions. We do not want to deal with their layers of CRAP! Yet, by the time we are done peeling away everything....there it is, we have gained something. Whether it be patience, self control, gentleness, kindness, or even love. I have this theory that we are supposed to learn more to some degree instead of feeling hurt, lost or burned out. That we as humans are granted a spark of understanding, that we may not judge one another however, to encourage each other. I am an onion, not very appealing sometimes and distracting in ways I'd rather not say. My strong personality can be full of flavor, attempt to reach the core and you might unveil your own medicine.

Friends

Friends are something you don't realize you have until you go through what may appear like dog poo. I love each of them and see God's amazing love through them. Thank you for being there and helping me clean off the poo poo.

He shadows him

Tomorrow is my son Andrew's 8th birthday. He makes me smile in ways he will never know. He is talented and smart, he enjoys making others grin. Hence, his teachers remark of how he has become the class clown. When I'm feeling sarcastic or throwing a joke out around the kids assuming they won't hear me or understand.....I get wind of Andrews smirk. He baffles me and I find him completely charming in every way. I am aware of the slight favor, due to the fact that he is my son. What tickles me most is his incredible resemblance to my father. His frame is stunningly just like my fathers was at his age. He is quiet at times, ADORES the color orange due to his Clemson fever, watches over his younger sister with compassion and can remember the lyrics to any song! He once told me he was going to work at a bank so that he could be around money all the time. He loves math and art, he is wise in his purchases...looking at ways to save and find the cheapest route. The boy can make me laugh, that's why he shadows my dad. I am so proud of you Andrew! My heart was full of joy the day you were born and now overflows beyond measure because of you. You are such a treasure to our family, just keep being you -that's what you do best! Happy Birthday sweet-pea, I love you.

Can't Sleep..........

I can't seem to sleep. One of my boys just approached me telling me of the same scenario. Yet, his problem is definitely much easier to solve than mine. You see, he has this bigger brother that tends to snore. So, problem solved when he is assigned to another room. My issue -tends to run a bit deeper than the hoarse, harsh sounds caused by the vibration of a soft palate. I am intensely tired, my mind is refusing to rest. A caring friend reminded me to get on my knees, something so uncomplicated and practical. Such an easy answer to my dilemma, right? Well, what happens when I get on my knees and all I do is weep? Then, I don't want to take the time to seek relief in the only possible direction that will supply the peace that my body needs so dearly. I am sincerely miserable! I get headaches from my puddles of tears. Yet, I am completely lost, in the dark, in emotional, physical, and spiritual pain. Without God's presence, I literally don't know how to handle anything. I think this 'no sleeping thing' is part of God's way of getting my attention.
I know from past experiences that healing eventually comes through this unpleasant practice. So, I am borrowing Nike's logo: JUST DO IT! Everyday, I will get on my knees and wait for Him, until my knees wear down and then I will be on my face(when it is no longer painful but, joyfulness shall have taken its place). All that is keeping me from this intimacy with my creator is stubborn pride. This too shall pass and just maybe there will be laughter in the morning.

Are you there?

Do you reflect the person that lingers inside your soul? I feel as if I am still discovering who I am. Are you really who you thought you would be? Sometimes I look in the mirror and I am so disappointed in what I see. Not necessarily physically, but internally. I always believed how we look and feel is a manifestation from within. Do we see beauty for what it truly is or do we judge by appearance? My life is a song that has crescendos, as well as the decrescendos. I cannot, by any means, remain in the highlights of my decisions for this crazy song. Honestly, I have these sweet friends that keep asking me if I am trusting God with EVERYTHING. Makes me wonder, is it possible to free fall with out any fear? So, search me.....try me......see that I am hopeless. There is no escape of the fear that resides in us all. How can we get to the point where we see just a glimpse of His face and know -we will be forever changed?

I have these BEAUTIFUL, amazing children that show me what it means to discover life in new ways every day! They may passionately fight with each other yet, they also passionately defend and take care of one other. Children can be so simple in what they say, yet their perception is mind blowing. I enjoy how everything is HUGE in their eyes and the questions have no endings. Are we there, where the Lord wants us? Can we be straightforward, simply come, like a child before Him?

Focus or go, go, go?

What can I say? I'm a natural when it comes to dancing. As I danced in front of an audience last year I tripped over myself yet, no one knew because I played it off so gracefully. It was as if it was part of the next move. Now, this doesn't always apply to other situations in my life, wish it did. I might can dance, but I was born with this incredible gift of clumsiness. Just yesterday, I locked myself out of my house. While I was teaching yoga, I almost fell over a student attempting to adjust them. I was thinking about being in the moment when I dance and how aware I am of every move, it's easy to stay focused. On the other hand, when I am running late... getting the kids ready and making a brief commitment to look decent -I lose sight. So, my body displays the wonderful decor of bruises from the door knobs and rails that jump out at me while I'm recklessly running through the house. Lately I've been telling myself over and over again to stay centered. What all does this entitle? To breath, ONE breath at a time. Slowing down will be a challenge for me, yet I know it can be done! When I slow down, I discover how overwhelming the beauty of the earth and people around me truly are. Then, something so powerful happens, I hear His voice which comforts me.

Home

The only place I can tolerate being right now is in worship. I'm good, I just want to go home, I'm so tired of this place. I keep thinking that one day we will celebrate being truly at HOME, the place that its ALL about. I miss truth and my earthly dad. I only smile knowing that this time is temporary. I don't want to be anywhere except in His amazing grace. Why can't my mind and heart be one and constantly singing in His presence? Depression SUCKS! If it brings me closer to him, so be it. Please leave your comments of what you think or want me to do to yourself, I know what the Bible says. We each have to walk through life and learn from our own judgments and experiences. We can't change people, we can only influence and pray that they pursue God......because He is forever in pursuit of us.

My heart is open

My heart, it has been through some trials. This heart of mine, honestly, needs to be in the Intensive Care Unit. I know the expenses to restore the pump valves and torn muscle will be astronomical. So the price is NOT cheap, the pain: unbearable, the loved ones surrounding me concerned for my well being, and my entire body- weak....suffering from all the damage this straining heart has caused. Do I trust the surgeon? Do I really need this operation? How will I know if I will be completely healed when all is said and done?

SO, I lay down......surrender and ready to be opened, exposed, feeling somewhat empty. I would have it no other way. I'm not here for people to see just my working parts, I'm here to show you that I'm broken and hurting. For this reason, maybe you might see I'm human and trust there is hope beyond our understanding. There is a surgeon that not only stitches and repairs our vital organs of life, yet heals us too! My heart yearns for restoration, and that is only possible through One. The one who gives life, who sees us in the night and knows when to use the defibrillator.