Sometimes it gets tough

Got up with a cough that rattles the chest, piercing. My headache has been going on for 3 days now and my kids jumped on the bed ready to carve pumpkins. Oh boy! I am always up for adventure, yet with little energy from being sick....makes it challenging to even pick up a pumpkin. Thinking of my dad today, tears swell up and I'm easily distracted of thoughts of going back to bed. I have a princess, a Superman, a Jason, and an Elvis ready to finish their costumes. All I can think of is how my daddy would be taking pictures of my little ones and encouraging their precious hearts on how great they looked. We have never been promised that life would be easy, nor have we been promised it would be all bad either. Our perspective makes the world of difference. I'm enjoying the unforgettable moments right now, and learning to treasure the ones that are intensely missed. It's tough at times, but I throw a smile on and share with my kids how they can savor each second now. Keep it real, think positive, and love when you see none. Happy Halloween!

It Is Well

Today my youngest son woke up extremely GRUMPY. The 20 minute ride to school was not the most delightful due to the fact that he screamed and cried ALL the way there! This really was not the best scenario for the rest of the crew, we had to dig deep to be cheerful. Seth, my youngest boy, did not want to go to school, he wanted to sleep. He struggled putting on his clothes, had a shoe fight all by himself, and then spilled his cereal onto his lap in the car. Not once did he take comfort from me or his siblings, who tried everything to calm his demeanor.

Such is life. A lot of times I do not get my way. Situations turn out messy, and I get mad or sad. I'll fight like crazy thinking I know what is foremost when it comes to my job or my kids, not letting God solace me (what I truly need). It's challenging when you learn that your not in control. Life happens and you can try to manage it, but the truth is.....it's not ours to dominate. Sometimes this does not rest well with our souls? Are we strong enough to let go, seeing our weakness for what it honestly is: pride? To surrender and not have control? Can we give permission to the author of life, who gives us the freedom to choose if we want to lead or -shall we engage in the fact that He knows best? He is our Father and wants the UTMOST for us! I love that song, 'It is well with my soul'.

Women and books

I am reading this incredible book at the moment by the name of 'Captivating' by John and Staci Eldredge. I have not posted books before, yet this book is for you (if your a woman). It has hit some spots with me and you just have to read it to know what I'm talking about. Discover how beautiful you already are!

Substance

I am amazed at God's love, His grace and mercy. Yet, I am ashamed of how I have been such a child, mischievous and playing as if consequences don't exist. Nobody is perfect, we can't be. That is the process of being human, we are flawed and need molding, conditioning to understand how much we are in desperate need of our Creator. I know how much I deserve, which humbles me. I desire to be a better mom, a better daughter, a better friend, an exceptional example of what I believe and who I believe in. I fall short every day, my weaknesses are different from yours.....this is why I can accept people where they are. I am forgiven, which doesn't necessarily mean that I determine to keep making stupid decisions and wondering why I'm not experiencing the fullness of God. Of course, I will most likely (not on purpose) misjudge or take for granted what I have. Eventually realizing that I must get out of bed the next day to uncover the mess that I made. I try not to look back at my life and regret anything. I have purpose, just as much as you. We are not here by mistake, we have the opportunity to invest our hearts, minds, our souls into something beyond ourselves.

Today, my 7 year old went to time out in the corner about FIVE times within TWO hours. I kept thinking "HELLO, anybody home?" Then it occurred to me, how often do we as God's children get distracted, disobey, repeat our sin and get frustrated? Frustrated to the point where our noses are in the corner and we are fussing, pitching a fit and angry that we have to sit out, feeling as if we are wasting our time. Not acknowledging how we behaved poorly, we might even be conjuring up ideas that justify the intolerable behaviour. I lack discipline in some areas of my life(who doesn't, am I right?), I'm not saying that's cool, I'm just saying. It puts me on my face when I know that my daddy is with God and I'm here still struggling to make sense of it all. I need substance, I covet consistency.

This is why I am in love with such an incredible God -that holds me in the worst of storms, believes in me, finds me as an awestruck beauty, feels my pain, reaches into my most sorrowful moments to comfort me and heals my wounds. There will be pain on this earth, yet my Father, my God promises and has proclaimed He has overcome this world through Jesus. There is absolutely nothing that He can NOT do! He is more than what we can possible imagine! One of my friends has written such a wonderful song that expresses God as the substance that I cling to and the anchor that holds me. There has never been a time where He has withheld His love from us or He has felt short of who He is. And yes, this is the song you see me screaming out loud in my car at the red lights.

I know what I want.......

I know what I want and I want it now!

I experienced God's thick, sovereign presence around 2 weeks ago. It's difficult to describe, so I use the word thick because it was so strong and pure. Kind of like the pillar of cloud mentioned in Exodus 13:21. The people illustrated the Lord as a cloud that went ahead of them during the day and as a pillar of fire at night to lead them. How intense to know the presence of God as fire or even a cloud surrounding you, a thickness that is like no other. He honestly wraps us up as if a coat, making sure we know He is with us! So, I was in awe and could not speak. This was not just a meeting where I was reading the Bible or singing worship songs, I was by myself cleaning my house. God wanted my attention and He got it. It was sovereign, stern and holy. I was honored to taste this small portion of His holiness. Now, someone might be reading this and thinking this girl is crazy. That's okay, because it's my story and I wouldn't exchange for anything! If I allow Him, God can restore me and tune my chords that have lost their key. It's almost as if I'm a pencil that is dull and needs sharpening. It's hard to use pencils where the lead has been worn down into the wood, it's much easier when they are sharp and have a pointed tip. Your writing turns out much smoother.
This is what I want, I want Him. I want God to sharpen me daily, so that I might be aware of what He has in store and eligible to live His word. He made it quite clear to me that day how I don't need to be messing around. He is a loving God, yet He is a serious God. His truth is worth every suffering I've ever been through. I want to be ready for Him, but I will not -unless I let Him shave the dull, worn pieces off so that I might be more peaceful, easeful and useful.

Do you ever get lost?

I recall one time when I was driving out to Colorado by myself, getting lost. I was so scared and freaked out. I swore I was going the right way, until the pavement ended. For some reason, even though the surroundings were unfamiliar, I kept convincing myself it was alright, I would end up in the correct destination. Well, I didn't and I was completely and utterly lost. Remind you this was before Map Quest and GPS, so I couldn't just get directions without asking someone.

As I drove to the beach by myself this past Friday, I was reminded of that time in my life. I was young and single, ready to do the Lord's work. I committed my life to serving God, preparing to be a missionary. It was exciting, new, and full of adventures. Except, my journey began by losing my way. I can't help but relate these feelings of being lost to my relationship with my Heavenly Father. Sometimes we can get so distracted, we lose our way. We might even insist that our way is best, that we know better. When really, we are deceived and have absolutely NO idea what it means to surrender. Allowing God to guide us, trusting Him and His word is a big deal. We can't just quote that we are christians or disciples and do our own thing, saying that the Bible was written a long time ago and how it doesn't pertain to my life. God is GOD, He still created the world, he created me and you. He knows us, yet I often question myself "Do I know Him?" His word is challenging, It seems that I fail so often....yet He awaits for me to stop and ask for directions. When I'm lost, He is my GPS. He gets me back on the paved road, because he laid it down and cares when I get lost. He even puts light posts up for me to see in the dark, how cool is that?

I am taken

Recently I wrote a post that I did not publish to the public, it was titled

"Why Haven't I Learned by Now?" and it went a little something like this......

'Wouldn't you think by the time you hit your 30s you would know who you are and be content with that? I am discovering through much heartache and pain in my life that I have no idea what it means to love myself. Memories of my past run through my mind helping me to see the pattern that became my warped view of self worth. Mother used to say: "If your going to eat like that you'll be fat." Teachers had their favorites and mentors putting me on the back shelf for another shining star. Finally, when my parents made the mistake of comparing me to my older sibling (concerning grades) it hit me like a ton of bricks. How funny is it when we take for granted the beauty all around us. I can clearly see others worth, how beautiful people shine from within, yet my own perception of self fails. This is where vulnerability comes into play and bad choices are made. What is truly disheartening is how people will take advantage of you in such circumstances for their own self pleasure.'

I didn't want to post it, I almost felt completely naked in a way that people could notice my most embarrassing flaw. Insecurity, shame, pride, and lack of faith in my creator. It all made sense when I realized how one day I will stand before my King and everything in my life will be accounted for. So, I decided this is nothing. It may even encourage someone. Right now, I am broken which means I am taken. Sometimes I wonder how I will get through the next step, or next hour when I am on my bed sobbing trying to rid myself of this unmeasurable pain. For those of you that do not know me, I lost my father a few months ago to cancer, my husband (of ten years) and I separated this past summer which has put another stress on my four children and the list could go on yet, I won't horrify you with the gory details. I started this post with "I am taken". How funny that I never realized every choice I ever made was influenced by my feelings or unconsciously based on wanting to be accepted. I didn't feel beautiful growing up or in my twenties, it was deceit and lies that spoke to me letting me believe I wasn't good enough. I saw beauty in nature and in others: internally and externally, yet I didn't recognize the gracious gifts he planted within me. So, I worked exceptionally hard to make people smile, laugh and uplift them.

Friday, my kids and I played hooky. We slept in, made homemade waffles and drove to the beach. It was so nice. We played all day by the pool and on the sand by the waves. In those moments, I felt healing and love. It was comforting to see the sun setting over the ocean. The waves washing away the footprints on the sand and my gorgeous children running towards the water made my heart soar. Free, free of worries, free of thoughts, free. I know God. He is my freedom, my shelter, my waves of redemption. He sweeps me away in His love. Only He can show me how priceless I am, how He has put abilities inside me and made me beautiful. For this.......I celebrate that I am taken. We are His and every breath we take is hope to know Him more -that we might be full of unspeakable JOY!

Psalm 139:13-18, Psalm 119:105