broken

I'm a little broken, let me rephrase that- I'm completely broken. I could try to say that my life is fine, everything will pass and be ok, but in the midst of a storm its really hard to feel safe. I keep thinking I can't do this anymore, I can't do this on my own.

Today, I woke up thinking how awesome, the kids and I got like 9-10 hours of sleep(this NEVER happens). I was quite pleased as a mom. Then the chaos of getting everyone dressed, fed, clothed, and off to school -on time- hit me like a punch to the face. The children arrived to school on time, I headed to the studio where I literally fall on my face before God and cried. Reason: a dear sweet friend of mine miscarried her baby last night. I begin to pray and am reminded of the scripture my Victoria love texted me the night before= "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."-John 16:33 The Lord Jesus told us you WILL have trouble, NOT maybe or there might be a chance of showers & storms yet- YOU WILL! Okay, so my day gets a bit hairier, Luke's school calls....he's sick. My mom saves me by picking him up. I run to tech to the math hub for some homework to be done and algebra to be understood. As I am finishing up the last 5 questions and get ready to pick up my other sweet babes I see an e-mail on my phone....its my instructor reminding me of a test that has to be finished by 8:30pm tonight. UMMM WHAT?!?!?!?! TEST? I was totally lost and baffled! I had no idea my first chapter test was due. I rush to pick up kids, forgot Eve's dance leotard so grab it from home and wha-la she gets to dance on time, then I rush back to school to pick up Andrew from chorus. I look at the clock its 4pm, I have 4 hrs to somehow get back up to tech to take the test. My faithful assistant covers the kids class for me at work and I arrive home to find my dogs have escaped. No worries, they return 30 minutes later with the help of my small hero- Luke. Yogini Brad calls to save the studio by covering my 6pm yoga class, I look at the clock its 5:15. Mom and Quinton hold the fort down as I take off back to the math hub where I ask this wonderful girl by the name of Courtney to lead me in her graphic calculator ways. I glance over, it's 7pm. So, I venture into the test room. I leave by 8:30pm. I can't believe how the day turned out, I didn't panic, I actually had peace. I wasn't worried, I knew what really mattered. God's plan matters, his kindness, compassion, and forgiveness -that's what matters. Arriving home at 9pm, food must be made and bodies must be washed, the kids & I read our Acts bible study at the dinner table to multi task. Eve falls asleep on the table, Seth not far behind, Luke has a meltdown but manages to carry Eve to bed, and Andrew lets Seth sleep in his bed. They are good kids, I know this, yet I wonder if we could have gone without the theatrical "I'm tired"- moments. Once again: PEACE -I have it IN HIM! The best part of my day was when a great friend sent me a song by the end of the night that put the biggest, silliest smile on my face (that wouldn't leave). Thank you Lord for providing your peace amongst this world full of trouble, most importantly thank YOU for having already OVERCOME this place! I have nothing to fear! I am not alone, you send help and friends when needed. Let me remain broken, that you may mold me into your likeness. I want to be compassionate, kind, and forgiving.....just like you.

i believe

Tomorrow I turn 36, today I am in bed sick. I should be catching up on my algebra homework but for the time being I am laying in bed drinking echinacea tea with some local honey, ginger root, and garlic. Gross, I know, but I have a speaking engagement this evening. I can't blame anyone for getting me sick except myself. I rarely rest, I am exhausted. I feel the weight of a million things on my chest right now. People sometimes quote that ridiculous saying "God never gives you more than you can handle." The truth is -its NOT God's fault, we pretty much can screw EVERYTHING up on our on and take on too much. We think we are awesome and try to pull out that scripture that says "I can do everything through him who gives me strength"-Philippians 4:13. I don't believe that God meant to bite off more than you can chew. WHY? Because you will FLIPPIN choke, that's why! So, Kara has bitten off more than she can chew.....running a business, on-line school, four kids, writing, etc. etc. etc. -I'm sure I'm not the only one that has 15 gazillion things to accomplish in one day(that obviously needs more hours, right?).

I was chatting with someone the other day and felt the need to tell them:
"Lately I've been loving on people where they are at. I was very quiet for a few years and felt as if I could only handle my own personal hell (super selfish I KNOW) then last year I was in church one morning and realized my purpose here on earth. That is the kingdom of God, that's my purpose, to tell of His glory and for me to be grounded in Him because I am his, & he is mine. I am falling in love with him all over again! I'm not perfect, but I can relate to others. Its so cool to be in places where most christians won't go, I've seen more people come to Christ in 2011 than I have in the past 10 yrs."

That being said, I am still tired. I want to complain and have somebody pick me up and tell me its all going to be ok. Someone verbally confirm that the bills are going to paid, the kids won't turn out worse than they already are, I won't end up homeless, I'll meet the guy of my dreams(bhahahahahaha), and life doesn't have to be constant turmoil which leads to depression. Is that too much to ask?

Of course it is! This is why I should only have small proportions on my plate, it doesn't have to be full. Life happens and the single MOST important agenda is: God's kingdom. When I focus on that everything else seems to align. The kids don't talk back as much, an unexpected $100 shows up in the bank, an amazing friend watches the kids for me while I have to work last minute, and I find out the place I've been dreaming of for the past 20 years is finally going to be a destination point for me this year! When I cry like a girl God tells me to look up and believe. When I don't want to get out of bed he sends my kids in to push me out of it with laughter that makes everything seem new again. The moment I forget my purpose he shows me HOPE. I struggle, if it weren't for his amazing grace I would not be here. We ALL have a purpose and through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvations that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 1 Peter 1, great read! Give me more of Jesus, less of Kara so I don't have to fret or worry bout each day, yet all I have to do is BELIEVE!

i will never live up to your expectations

My yard is a mountain of leaves -be careful not to get lost or fall in, dirty dishes, laundry that won't end, is dinner ready or the kids homework done? idk, idc........i just want to crawl in bed and go to sleep! Sometimes, when i write down my to do list, i jot down GO TO the bathroom or EAT to remind myself that I need to take care of me, too. Yea, i won't be able to live up to your standards, so go find another to make fun of or criticize. I barely can hold my head up long enough to breath.