Every day I have to make a decision, I choose to forgive so that I might live.

It's midnight and I am curled up into a ball on my hard wood floor in my room in front of my little heater. I'm crying, yet no one can hear me. I had a flashback, its painful. I don't want anyone to hear me crying, even though I am home alone. I suddenly remember why I don't like attention at times, I don't want anyone to see me.
Earlier I was at the gym and only guys were there, usually no one speaks to me, tonight was different. Guys kept coming up to me and trying to start a conversation, I just wanted to work out. I started to feel uncomfortable, I had to leave, as I did I was stopped again. They weren't bad people, they just didn't know what I've been through and how my childhood trauma was regurgitating at that moment.
I wish it would go away, that I wouldn't be able to remember anything, yet it comes and goes making me feel like I need to run and hide. When this happens I feel so unworthy, I feel like I've done something bad, that I can't wash away how dirty I feel. I have no idea why I am finally writing about this, maybe it will help someone else that is going through it as well.
It doesn't feel like healing, yet I know it will eventually. Sometimes, I just have to remember to breathe. This moment will pass, and my past is not who I am. I refuse to let my subconscious continue to sabotage my future, my success. Breathe in, breathe out, stand up, fight back, and don't forget to smile. I am not ruled by my emotions, they can only offer temporary sorrow or joy. I recognize them and dig deep, understanding there is an underlying personal battle I must overcome. I am grateful for this wisdom and hold on to the hope of God's promises. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” -Proverbs‬ ‭3:5-6‬

Every day I have to make a decision, I choose to forgive so that I might live.

Some days I write so much I don't remember half of what I wrote. A week or two ago I made a commitment to write every day and blog once a week. Dedication is knowing what you want and going after it. I am a writer and love it, so every day I will pursue writing, by dedicating time to write in order to become better. Below is one of my recent FB post, choosing to live.....

There are some mornings I don't want to get out of bed, but HOW will that get me to my goals???? I get up & start moving, setting intentions that will make my day better than the one before. I set visions of what I will achieve & how I will do it. 
Yesterday morning I woke up remembering a dream I had, I was practicing yoga with a friend & did a back bend pose so deep I touched my feet to my head!!!! It was so vivid I felt like it was really happening, I woke up as if I did it. An incredible sense of achievement washed over me. Now, it's all I think about.
When we set our minds on the things we want to do & create space for them, it can be done. Limitations become challenges, challenges become daily practice, practice becomes mastery. Mastery is great skillfulness and knowledge, a power to dominate or defeat.
Set your intentions wisely today, be so conscious of what you desire that it springs forth into reality & you master it.😘