Screw it, this is me....

Apparently, Thursdays are my writing days....I woke up, took the kids to school, planned on getting things done to find myself sitting in front of this damn computer that won't let me leave my bed. (Warning, strong language will be written.) I sit here contemplating if I should really write the things that my whole being screams or walk away and find some busy work to tend to. Screw it, this is me: Kara Christine Adams, aka raw to real writer, kick ass yogi, mother to 4 kick ass witty kids that have an amazing panoramic view towards life, personal trainer who will push you to your limits, author, entrepreneur, and one of the best massage therapist(healer) in the Pee Dee. It has taken me 20 years to say that out loud, my ego has been so fucked up all my life. Not conceiving that I was good enough. It was ridiculously silly of me to believe others perception of their own reality and NOT my own. The beauty of life is that we each get our own say on how we will live it. Fearfully and wonderfully created on purpose, every life is a gift that brings something to the table that no one else can on this earth. We should take joy in that alone. There is only one you, so live it as you uniquely were made to live it.

Guess what? On Mondays I trade massages with a friend, a really beautiful soul. It is one of the best decisions I make every week, a conscious choice to take care of my body, to treat this temple my spirit dwells in with respect. She does a lot of energy work, which can be very healing. This week she reminded me that my heart chakra was heavily guarded(duh, no one is getting in there!), my 3rd eye was fogged up(total stress from being a busy bee), and my throat chakra was not being vocal(not normal for this outspoken ladybug). Hearing that, I am taking the plunge to speak out my truth, knowing there will be haters and knowing I will be judged. I fully understanding that those that are not happy with themselves will find it fair to knock me down, point fingers, and attempt to dump their misery on me. I will not take it personal, because THAT is what I did in the past. With that out of the way, here are my truths I can no longer hold back:

I have no sex drive right now, I have completely submitted every area of my life to God and literally have no sex drive. To be clear, it was so strong, crazy strong. Being divorced for 6 years with a super strong sex drive is NOT easy. I struggled and thought to myself "Is this ever going to change?", turned out I just needed to COMPLETELY trust God. Our mind is a powerful tool, when we learn to create healthy habits and feed our minds with good food, knowledge, and using wisdom, then anything is tangible. Mind over matter really does exist! Forcing myself to commit to self development was a task, yet so worth it. What we focus on, we become. Habits can be stopped, negativity can be replaced with positivity, addictions can be broken, and reality is what scripture states: with God all things are possible. -Matthew 19:26. Faith is the unseen and can be unexplainable. Letting go of this imaginary control mode (where many humans believe they have the power to control the uncontrollable) is key to trusting God, being open to the fact that he wants the best for you and will make that happen is faith building.

Second truth....I have no clue what to do. I have these labels that are somewhat attached to me, yet I sometimes feel lost. The labels are not who I really am, they are just things I do. What am I really passionate about? What do I want to accomplish before death occurs? Am I living my utmost? These questions stalk me at times, not wondering aimlessly around in my head, but seriously pondering in my daily routine. How will this be solved? God, the universe, has already been telling me over and over again what to do. So, here is what I should do and the many confirmations, I opened an email a few days ago that read the following:

'I am releasing you from situations that are no longer beneficial to you.  You will know what I am referring to when you are able to see what causes stress in your life or makes you feel obligated.  I want you to be at peace with yourself, your environment and with Me, says the Lord.  I will show you the way out of places where you feel trapped or entangled.  Galatians 5:1 Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage.'

The following night I woke up to a dream where I saw myself sitting on my bedroom floor praying. I had several papers around me, that had options of what I should do. That morning I got another email:

'Refuse to get stuck in this in-between place of uncertainty.  You do not necessarily have to take giant steps in the face of the unknown, but you can take the next small step while still remaining cautious.  Above all, you can trust Me to give you wisdom and to direct your steps.  You are not alone, says the Lord.  Proverbs 16:9 A man's heart plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps.'

Last night my 15 year old son, out of nowhere started talking about some things, looked at me and said "Mom, you need to pray, ask God what direction you should take. Your whole life is ahead of you, you are young and still can do anything." I was baffled, he had no clue what I'm currently going through or the decisions I need to make. He just was being God's vessel and speaking the truth that was within him to speak. 

This morning I received another email that read:

'To those of you who do not know what to do or what your next step is, you must ask Me for guidance and direction.  And then, wait quietly for My leading, for surely I will move you forward as you yield to My will, says the Lord.  I will show you the way that will result in what is best for you long-term.  Trust Me.  Psalms 32:8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with My eye.'

Now, excuse me as I have some one on one time to tend to with my maker. Catch you next week, I have a feeling this blog thing is going to be a regular pit stop for me.