Shady People

Shady people hurt people
Which makes me grateful that I can slightly pick up on the shadiness
Although shady people are probably just hurt themselves
It all comes to a point somehow in the end

Some say my wall needs to come down
I'm not ready

This pain will disappear one day
All I need to do is trust fall
Right into my Daddy's arms

Because a shade can not catch you........

"It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in humans."
Psalm 118:8

Some see me as annoying, some say I have too much energy, and those that cling to negativity -I really don't care to hear what they think of me. :) We all have different gifts, just read Romans chapter 12 in the Bible. For the longest time I felt I was never worthy, never good enough, and never going to make an impact. Then I constantly am reminded of how my children need to be held and appreciated, loved and told daily how God strategically created them. They have purpose, as I write that I sniffle because I have purpose. I am forever telling my son Luke how God doesn't make mistakes, how we can't disappoint him(because he ALREADY knows what will happen), and how crazy in love he is with us otherwise he wouldn't have sent Jesus. I am not amazing, my Father whom created me is amazing.....so I guess the fact that he that resides in me (as he becomes greater and I become less) -people might mistaken me as amazing. My humanness scares me at times. The bones in my closet aren't ones I want revealed to anyone so, if I share them with you, know I am being humbled and ready for you to see the glory of God in my life. It is His GRACE that has brought me thus far. Because if HIS grace is sufficient for me, then I know it is powerful enough for ANYONE!
God sees us as beautiful because we are His creation. As a mother looks to her child and sees the great qualities he or she has to offer so our Heavenly Father gazes upon us with pure delight.

Give me faith

This songs lyrics wake and stir within me, I find myself singing them when I need Him:

I need you to soften my heart and break me apart.
I need you to open my eyes and
see that your shaping my life & all I am I surrender.
Give me faith to trust what you say,
that your good and your love is great.
I'm broken inside, I give you my life.
I need you to soften my heart and break me apart.
I need you to pierce through the dark and cleanse every part of me.
All I am, I surrender. Give me faith to trust what you say,
that your good and your love is great.
I'm broken inside and give you my life.
I MAY BE WEAK BUT YOUR SPIRIT IS STRONG IN ME
MY FLESH MAY FAIL BUT MY GOD YOU NEVER WILL
Give me faith to trust what you say
that your good and your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give you my life

Truth is I need Him to give me faith, I choose every step I take. Its not fun knowing that most of my life I made the choices that determined the outcome of everything that has unfolded. So here I am BROKEN, giving Him my life, my all. its so true that I may be weak and my flesh has failed YET His Spirit is STRONG and He NEVER will fail us! Finding Joy is finding God! I will write more on miracle #5, 6, and 7 next week. Until then, Merry Christmas!

Instead of the 12 days of Christmas, its the Miracles of Christ in my life!

Today Miracle #4 happened! NEW SHOES for the kids!!!!




No more tears, just bewilderment of God's blessings.......my dad is smiling upon us and I can see him now with Jesus celebrating until we join. Continue to run the race! "Since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us strip off and throw aside every unnecessary weight and the sin which so readily clings to and entangles us, and let us RUN with patient endurance and steady and active persistence the appointed course of the race that is set before us! LOOK away from all that will distract us and turn to Jesus, who is the leader and source of our faith and the finisher. He, for the joy that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising and ignoring the shame, and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1-2

miracles

The other day I facebooked "WOW, WOW, WOW! I'm blown away by God's miracles!" It's true, I am! 14 comments and 39 likes later some were asking "What's going on Kara?" Well, HERE IT IS! I might NOT have to move! I know what your thinking, whoop dee do.....but, I haven't gotten a roommate yet and that means not enough rent money. The miracles started occurring on Tuesday when I gave a massage, then the sweet friend took me to lunch which btw was amazing (Indian food)! When we were done I had to run to teach the kids yoga class, so she handed me the money for the massage -that I had already forgotten about because my tummy was extremely hapi. I placed it in my pocket, so when I got home later that night after my classes I pulled it out to discover that my gracious sweet angel of a friend gave me a 100% tip!
Thursday, my work day lasted until 8pm, when I finally pulled up to the house & looked through the mail I found miracle #2: a check for $250! As I am calling angel #2 to thank for the amazing answer to prayer, miracle #3 is beeping in. It was one of my private yoga clients stating they were home for the holidays and ready to start lessons ASAP! No one could possibly imagine the crazy joy that ran through my veins at that moment!
I am COMPLETELY blessed! I'm not worried wether the rest of my rent will come in or not. God has already taken care of EVERYTHING and will let me know in due time. God has shown me his unfailing love and incredible faithfulness. Last month someone gave us a huge gift of compassion by paying our December rent and the month before -groceries were found on my front door step. A lot of people don't realize how hard it has been for me as a single mother of four with or without four jobs and attending on-line classes. ALL I know is that I am thankful He sent his one and only son, I will continue to celebrate His goodness and mercies that are new EVERY morning! I love you God! Thank you for taking care of my family, I am NOT ashamed to tell of your kindness. Seeking Him and sharing Him (with or without words) is what its ALL about! Thank you for never leaving nor forsaking me!

laugh or cry

i think the choices we make reflect heavily on how our life plays out. your thinking "duh Kara, karma" -right..... for every action there is a reaction, for every choice made- a consequence is going to be revealed, what you DO NOW DOES matter because it contributes to the aftermath of your future. we all know this, yet why do we still struggle with doing what is right? some contemplate and imagine themselves perfect, then there are those that never see themselves good enough. mix the two together and you got Britney Spears. JK, jk, jk, jk!
i strive to be on time, knowing this shows respect and consideration for the people i'm meeting up with. THEN WITH-OUT FAIL, SOMETHING HORRIBLY WRONG HAPPENS! my clumsiness, in a hurry-ness, takes over and interweaves with my bad luck.... assuming i was really supposed to be born with the original Three Stooges. yesterday it was the plumbing, sewer backed up so no toilet flushing, washing dirty laundry, showers, basically the water was off limits. today i auditioned for the worship band at church, attempting to be on time i jump into the car and sit on a cup of water that one of the kiddos left for me. on stage, in my nervousness i fumble through my song, not once but twice. what do i do? i laugh, what is the point of crying? i find myself constantly laughing at my scenario or situation because if i don't i'll cry. i think i've shed enough tears for my entire family over the past several years with my fathers death, divorce, 3 computer crashes (losing my book each time), working 4 jobs to get food on the table for my 4 sugar plums, feeling overwhelmed with loneliness, and on top of all that- making bad choices by not aligning myself with the Word of God. Yup, i'm ready to surrender to HIS complete joy. God, i'm yours, right here, right now! most of the time my outcome could have been different but, what's done is done. if i slip up with my words or my actions, right there beside me are 4 sweet babes ready for the next adventure and comedy skit from their designated mother. life will never be perfect and i'm down with that......just can't wait to win the lottery(that is if i actually bought the ticket).

Hapi Thanksgiving

I am still in bed watching two of the four of my sweet children sleep. They love crawling in bed with me and i can't help but enjoy their company. I just want to eat them up, attack them with kisses! Matter of fact, THAT'S how I will wake them up! Today is Thanksgiving day of 2011 and I, Kara C. Adams, am enjoying the quiet.....minus the sounds of snoring children. I lay here pondering how blessed I am. Yesterday a kind friend dropped off a Christmas tree, my kids were so ecstatic they refused to wait until today to put it up, so we were up until 11:30pm putting together this beautiful 7.5 ft tree. How crazy great everything works out! My two eldest boys are getting so big and I can't stop them! Andrew put half the tree together by himself, Eve handed us branches as she sang with her hapi heart, Seth crashed out on the couch asking questions, and Luke -well, Luke decided to have a time out in his room. Just the same, I am thankful for the chance to have four little helpers that are learning to love with HUGE hearts. My soul cries out with thanks on this beautiful day that i can celebrate not alone yet, with the ones i love most and God has entrusted me with.

if i really share what i feel or what my mind is thinking right now -i just don't know if i really want people reading it. every time i come to my blog and the music starts playing -ALL i WANT to do is cry. thus explaining the 10 incomplete entries on my draft page of the edit post tab. this year has overwhelmed me: the car wreck, the studio, the kids having another woman in their life as a step mom, facing reality, blah, blah, blah, wha, wha, wha, wha...............
I'm incredibly and completely transparent right now, which is NOT always a good thing. i have some of the most amazing people in my life. first and foremost God is pouring out his unending grace to me through them. the words are hard to come by because there honestly are too many! friends showing up at the studio and buying passes, room mates keeping me company, sweet friends going to church with me(praying to receive Christ and getting baptized!!!!!), B- picking me up and wiping my tears the night i lost my self-respect and self-worth....i was untouchable/unlovable and you were the tangible comfort God sent to show me different, G- u been a best friend that listened and took action when you didn't have to, thank you H n B for feeding a single mother of 4! very humbling i must say, to the one that paid my rent for December....i can't stop crying -i was prepared to move into my car or the studio, Drena- for the opportunity to take on a second job while everyone is asleep. THANK YOU to these people for not giving up and insisting on HOPE! For those that say coincidence, no its not possible....there is a God that keeps me close to his chest and wrapped up in his arms. no one just takes care of some chic's rent or supplies her with groceries when she doesn't even ask. GOD uses us to share his goodness and doesn't ask for anything in return. we never can surprise God, he knows what's going down. only He can love us the way we need it, his grace is abundant and i am honored to be called His child, his daughter.

my hope is in you

i want you Jesus, i want to know you beyond the church, beyond the prayers, beyond these four walls i live in.

Where do I start?

I am falling in love all over again. It's completely crazy but I am stumbling over things, getting lost in my thoughts, finding myself tickled just thinking about him. The most amazing part is how he consistently pursues me, he calls me, he helps me with my kiddos, and he listens to my rash ravings when it appears that life is throwing dung at my face. He desires me and tells me of my beauty. The worth I do not see in myself is where he is patient enough to remind me. I'm not really familiar with this intense sweet aroma called love. But, I will take it!
I need to establish some soil before I go on. I am running a yoga studio in a small town located in South Carolina. This is not a very welcoming town when it comes to change, just ask the preacher's wife that told me a few years back: "YOU will NEVER have the anointing of God in your life if you leave your husband!" as I was going through a divorce. Change is not something that everyone enjoys, it occurs constantly -ie. 8 track to tape cassette to cd to ipod, vhs to dvd to blue ray, land line telephone to cell phones, change is never immediately accepted or embraced. Yet eventually people adapt.
Anywho, my life has drastically changed over the past 2 years, actually over the past 4 months. My wonderful kids still amaze me with their ever growing questions and enriching insights. I remain baffled on how this guy that I am growing incredibly fond of provides for me and gives me unlimited energy. He sounds great, right? If only I would be able to spend more time with him.........another blog/another day.
Oh yeah, soil. So, the ex hubby proposed to the chic of his dreams. She comes across as nice to my children but, what happens when she oversteps her boundaries?
Hold on, aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Okay, I'm back. I am not one that embraces conflict, I usually run in the opposite direction because I am a crybaby. Here's the scoop: as of the past 4 months I have totally been focused and wrapped up in my kids, my new business, and school. There really has not been a single moment to look elsewhere. All I desire to do is feed my kids and keep them under a roof. It's been tough! I share joint custody with my kids father so, their is no child support. Needless to say- we have two wonderful roomies that help pay the rent, so never a dull minute in our house of 7!
I recently learned from the children that the ex was living with his newly made fiance, they informed me that the air conditioner was broken at dad's house. After about 2 weeks of staying there I could tell how uncomfortable it was for them. They told me how confusing everything was, the divorce was final last year, the wound still fresh from the band-aid being ripped off. They didn't want to talk at first because they thought it was supposed to be a secret. I didn't bring it up and I didn't say anything. First: because I don't know how to explain the whole situation of living with someone your not married to. Second, I was constantly working to provide for them and get a vehicle.
Nothing is smooth for kids when it comes to divorce or death and my kids got slammed with both over the past 2 years. Well, the soon to be bride made herself comfortable by signing the kids work from school and sending me a schedule of who does what on this/that day with highlights of where I'm going to be. I take a look at it, roll my eyes, think to myself "mmm k, whatever." Then the continuous text from hell started blowing up my phone. Who cares that I was deep in thought working on my homework, or it was the hour before my deadline. I responded with the boundary line statement "you are not allowed to tell me or advise me what to do and I will have the same respect for you."
Why is it that we think the world of people when we are falling in love yet, when we are unsatisfied or not content, wanting/needing more we have no problem crushing others?
Yay, now remember how I mentioned that I'm in love. You guessed it: his name is Jesus, God in the flesh, he's the skip in my walk, the pop in my soda, the z in my sleep, and the grin on my cheek! He has been REAL to me, he has helped me see his grace through friends and people that have no idea how blessed I am to enjoy their presence because they ooze/overflow of his goodness!
All the messiness I'm plowing through right now may not seem like a blessing but, I have hope because I am loved by a lover that will never turn his back on me, by never leaving nor forsaking me!

Church

Sitting
Enjoying
Breathing
Just being

Comfort
Safety

Am I strong?
Yes, with you beside me

Anything can be done
With you I am encouraged
Able to move mountains
With you, I am not alone
Standing ground

Walking
Talking
Door locking
Looking

Lost
Scared

Was it just a dream?
I am alone and hungry

Everything is overwhelming
People discouraging
If this is real
Wake me up
Or get me out of here

Sometimes it feels good to be alone. After teaching today I painted a part of the studio that needed to be finished. At first I thought it would be nice to have company, then as I played some music I realized how beautiful it was to not have to say a word. I have been running from here to there, teaching, and doing homework. So, the stillness was quite becoming. It was in the stillness that I had peace. Reassurance from God, his love that overwhelms and bewilders me. I wasn't alone; He kept me company and I didn't want it to end. These are the moments we search for so we can feel refreshed. Lokaah Samastaah Sukhino Bhavanthu Om Shanthi Shanthi Shanthi

What is this addiction I have of posting my most intimate thoughts in web space? I guess I fear if I do not put it out there it will stay within me. It might be that I am just reaching out to someone/anyone that will hear me. The strong independent single mom that comes across needing no assistance and can handle this life trusting God to no end -STRUGGLES! I am scared to death. I don't know how He does it but he does. God provides for me, more than enough! Yet, does this mean as I sit here bawling that I am capable of getting through everything this life will unveil. I signed a two year lease for my studio yesterday, WHAT was I thinking???? I didn't, I trusted as I trust every week that food will somehow magically appear in my fridge to feed my four precious babies. What really baffles me is tonight when I looked in my bathroom mirror to brush my teeth I didn't recognize the woman in it. I started crying and couldn't stop. I called out for my dad and of course there was no reply. Two years have passed and I still want to pick up the phone to call him and tell him I'm heading over because I'm frightened or I need him to watch the kids. He was there for me and directed me to Jesus every time. I am NOT okay! I am missing a HUGE part of my grounding. I'm not angry just completely lost on how to handle death so close.

Now the fun news: my ex-husband called me last week and informed me of his engagement, he said the kids were excited because they really liked his fiance. Yet as the week progressed the boys showed their concern. They now have more broken pieces to this puzzle they have to figure out called life. It was subtle but it was there. Originally, the southern red-neck Kara wanted to scream. I HATE the fact that another woman is going to act as a mommie towards my children. I do NOT like sharing, especially my children! She is a sweet lady, yet she has no idea the sweat and tears I've labored over each of my love bugs. The countless prayers for each of them and the precious moments that NO ONE needs to try to replace with new ones. This too shall pass. Yes, I wrote these thoughts out loud. I don't need to be consoled, just wanted to express it. I am not alone.

All some people interpret from my writings is blah blah blah blah. HAHA. I had to say it, I miss companionship. We were made for communion, not worthless attempts of single-hood. Why would God bother to create us if he couldn't hang out with us? Alright, I'm done venting, good night.

fist fight in a yoga studio......

I heard a loud sound, like something big fell. i was teaching and yes, my children were in the next room. the BOOM that scared my sweet yoga students while in their shvasanna was the front door being hit, one of my boys hit it with his leg. he was pushed by his younger brother. the door is glass, so from bottom to top of the door there is this huge crack. looks classy after i painted the door to hide the damage. i love my life!

snuggle time!

four kids: 11, 9, 7, & 5 plus me in a king size bed. Comfortable? NOT at all! yet, they are my kids and i love them no matter what. that's how my heavenly father feels about me. i can never disappoint him because he knows EVERYTHING that i am going to do. it always amazes me how HE loves me and it shows how he provides for me. I'm such a screw up, kind of feeling like no one wants me but HE does. watching my little ones sleep makes me want to kiss their adorable faces and hug them tight. Thank you God for wanting to do the same with me.

scared to death!

I am incredibly scared. I have friends that never worry about anything and i have friends that worry about EVERYTHING. Me, i think i only worry when i'm tired and haven't eaten. How am i going to get through this? through this single parenting business? One buddy of mine says, "i think it's time to go jump off a bridge." Hmm, maybe not.

Yes, I finally have a working car now. I am not very excited about this because with it comes a car payment. I am not much for the debt game, it took 10 years of a bad marriage to learn that. I need to shut the front door! STOP bad mouthing KARA!

35 cents

Dishes are done, laundry is folded & put away, kids are in bed, lights are off and i am being naughty. Instead of reading, working, or sleeping.....i am on someones facebook page. I try not to get caught up in all that because i really do lead a busy life which normally gives no chance for play. As i gaze upon the endless web drama that floats into the great abyss -i am distracted. These past few months have been changing me. I am once again without a car. The only difference this time is the 110 degree heat index. People question me and ask "how do you do it? 4 kids, life, how do you do it Kara?" I honestly don't know, I just do. How does any single mom make it these days? How did my dad go through the hell he went through as he was dying from the brain tumor that consumed his life? A man came up to me and asked for 35 cents the other day and I thought "How can he do that?" Sometimes it takes losing everything to find yourself humbled and begging for 35 cents, what the hell can you buy for 35 cents anyway???? I often put myself in others shoes. What would make me ask a perfect stranger for change? I wanted to know what this man had been through, I wanted to follow him to see where he lived, to see if there was anything i could do to give him hope? Then it hit me how spoiled i am. Yes, i may struggle to provide a house and food for my children yet, I'm still spoiled. I am completely spoiled, I had ice cream today. My entire body is in pain from lack of sleep, yoga 4 times a day, bicycling around town with four children in ridiculous heat, & attempting to run a business. YET, I am a spoiled ROTTEN brat! These circumstances have changed me, I am content and not looking for someone to save me or secretly hoping to hit the jack pot(which btw I'm not objected to). We get used to/familiar with the circumstances we are faced with. Nothing amuses us or shocks us. Some may quote this mundane, but i say spoiled. Why do we act ruined, damaged, and useless? How could i turn that poor man away without giving him 35 cents? How, you guessed it because I'm spoiled. Walking the streets of my town I have become somewhat calloused. Not towards others yet towards myself. I deserve zilch. So what I constantly tell myself is "what i go through is nothing compared to what my Lord went through." Yea, I wrote it out loud.....I LOVE God, i know that I'm not the greatest person to represent Him -maybe that's why i love him so much! He takes me in just the way i am, with or without the 35 cents.

WOWZERS!!!!

OKAY! Soooooooooo, I haven't been on to post anything since the end of May because I didn't know the password to my at&t e-mail account. Sounds retarded I know but I just spent an HOUR on the phone with AT$T! You can not use a g-mail account with blogger, UGH! I only use my google e-mail so the hour I spent trying to retrieve my at$t password is exactly why I have failed to get on here until now, I can NOT stand talking to customer service. PLUS, I won this contest that gave me free rent for three months in the downtown section of my residence. AHA! There it is, I, Kara C. Adams, opened up a yoga studio. Needless to say my schedule has been endless, brutal hours have been invested into my business(and not just by me but my children have also suffered). Actually, I have been able to enjoy my children more so it turns out it has been quite the blessing. That will be written in detail for my next blog. Just wanted to say "I'm back!" So watch out because you are about to get an ear/eyeful of two months from your fav deep thought drama mama: Yogi Kara! Holla sooner than later...........

Crazy!

SO, I won this contest that gives you free rent and utilities for three months in the downtown area in my community. It's CRAZY! They expect me to get this place ready in less than a week! 5000 sq foot, ummmmm HELLO! I'll keep you posted of how I supposedly am turning this water into wine. Just to clarify, I have been blessed by the presence of some amazing people.....hence the pics!

guess what?

what can i say?!?!?!?!??! come Monday it will be alright......

here i am once again

here i am, once again. raw, rare, scared. i was teaching yoga today and realized how replaceable i am. i felt completely worthless for a few minutes, you see i work for this company that can just hire and train someone else to take my place, do my job. quite possibly, after about six months no one might even remember my name. so, for about 5 minutes i felt useless, substitutable, inadequate, and broken. then i heard something, or maybe the light bulb just lit right above my head. "Kara, YOU are NOT replaceable!"
in this world, yes- i am considered expendable. yet, when it comes to God's point of view of whom i am.....i am of extreme value. where is your worth? because right now, here i am once again. pouring my heart out to my Father and allowing Him show me His ways, not this world's.

I am His

Yes, I am His. I am a single mom of four fun kids and I am His. I sat down at my dinner table earlier this evening and cried, I am His. I am nothing without Him. That's why it comforts me to say, "I am His." This past week I have transitioned into a new chamber of my life. It feels familiar. I know its new, yet it just gives me a sensation of peace. Like its okay to be here and it feels right. The struggles I have had over the past few years has moved me into this new place. Learning to be still, not freak out. Grasping onto patience and not getting caught up in the heat of the moments where it would be easy to stay stagnant. All that matters is "I am His."

Complete

I am not complete.
I want to be.
I am not yours to keep.
Yet, I want to be.
Free indeed.
Now leave me be.

Dear Daddy

Hey Dad,
I know its your birthday on Wednesday and I wanted to wish you a wonderful one. The kids miss you tremendously, they are getting so big. Eve still asks to see you! When Luke and Andrew get upset thinking about how your gone, I just throw out a funny memory of yours. We all giggle and remember you with a heap of loving fondness. Seth is.....you know- Seth. He is kind and gentle at times which reminds me of you, only 7 and he is constantly looking out for me. I wanted you to know how much you are missed, you should know of the people that you brought life to! I love you dad!
I'm investing in a surf board this week in honor of the day you arrived here on this earth. I can't wait to get out on the water.
Thank you for loving me unconditionally, you weren't perfect (no one is) but, you loved me no matter what. I miss our talks, or shall I say my ramblings that eventually ended with my thousand interrogating questions of what you thought. And my never ending demands of your life story or what you wanted if this or that happened in an imaginary scenario. You will always be favored and honored here in this heart. You pushed though and I pray for the grace to do the same. Thank you.
I love you and refuse to say good bye. Yes, I will continue to take comfort in:
"See you later,"
Kara (your Christine)

To be perfectly honest

I will be perfectly honest, I cried a lot today. My sweet room mate is hitting hard times with her car and I know what that is like because I was without one for 2 months prior this month. Another dear friend of mine is literally watching her daddy leave this earth. I ache for her, because I know this pain all too well. Watching a loved one die is heavy on the heart, indescribable. There are no words for comfort. Dad's birthday is next week and it still feels like yesterday. I keep telling myself this will all pass. I keep trying to imagine that life does have its beautiful moments. Yet, all I can do is cry. I'm not like this every day, but I was rejected by someone today and my devastation volume is stuck- I can't seem to turn the knob back down. All I desire to do is crawl into a corner and be wrapped up by the only one that can comfort me. Allowing God to tell me that I am worth more. I'm wanted and it's all right. Oh well, this is me -being perfectly honest. Tomorrow is a new day and I will not have to see this day again.

Content

For the past few days I have been reading a passage from the Bible that hits me in my gut every time. I can't stop coming back to it, its like one of those songs you hear and it keeps playing over and over again in your head.

Philippians 4:4-13
4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
10 I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

it's been a month

yes, it's been a month since my wreck and i know nothing else than to be brutally honest. For one month i have been bumming rides for my kids to get to school, hitching rides to work that is 30 minutes away, and biking everywhere else. i hate complaining; a good friend of mine told me how i was complaining lately and the truth stung like an allergic reaction from a bee sting. i am tired, tired of asking, tired of working, tired of biking, tired. i don't like asking for help and i don't like feeling like someones charity case(prideful? maybe). i do not delight in I. i am not satisfied with I. Frankly, i want to tell I to get the hell out of here! People have been incredibly patient with me. Friends have sacrificed for me. Its funny how some of us see people struggling and easily instinctively lend a hand, yet when we are the ones that are fighting for hope -we cowardly shy away from the kind generosity extended by others. Almost like a dog that has been beaten for having had an accident on the floor and scared to come back into the house. We have not been beaten, yet we have been shaken. Shaken by life's unexpected hailstorms. This explains why I want to be quiet lately and wait, desperately attempting to cut out the selfish "I". Watching what has happened to Japan with its huge tragedies, my worries can not compare. Those that are suffering are terribly shaken, rocked to the point of no return. They are not dealing with hailstorms, they have been crashed over by a tsunami. A horrific pain that eats the soul of anyone standing in its path of destruction. What really is precious in your life? What matters most to you? Do you have that gift near you, that price-less son, daughter, mother, father, brother, sister, friend? It's not about the siuations, the unexpected hailstorms that will continue to sweep through as we live on this earth. It's about the tsunamis that knock us off our feet and wake us up to reality, what really matters most. My relationships with the ones I love consist of a substance that can not be replaced. This, I can take to the grave with me. I am done, done with "I." Welcome joy, welcome reconciliatinon! Laughter, love, brokeness, amazing comfort. Here it comes.

What Just happened?

Nothing ever goes as planned. I started my day yesterday waking up thinking I was going to get my list done. It was a simple list: get the oil changed in my car, take my glasses back to the store to be fixed, grab a new phone at at&t(mine decided to give up), wash my car(he hadn't been cleaned in 3 whole weeks), be at work by 10am, and pick the kids up by 2:10pm. It started with me not wanting to wake from my slumber. The night before I was up late finishing my research paper due the following day. My body was not quite ready for Kara mode yet.
You see, this is not the normal me. I usually have energy, but lately I've been lacking in that department due to the demands I've placed upon myself. I thought that being a mother of 4 wonderful children and managing 4 jobs to support them was not exactly enough, so I applied to be a full time student! Four classes on-line hit just the right spot, to insanity that is.
I started feeling the extra cushion on my hips last week. The tightness of my favorite jeans didn't keep me from rolling into my local Krispy Kreme(with the HOT NOW sign lit) after work and right before bible study. I am less into getting to the gym to work out and more into my studies and work schedule. I am officially now a curvaceous woman and okay with that. What on earth does this have to do with the picture of the totaled car above? Well, everything! I didn't plan on putting on 10 lbs since the new year started. I didn't plan on being a 35 year old single mom, I never planned on losing my father to a brain tumor, I never hoped to lose friends along my journey in this life (I only thought we gained them), and I did NOT think when I woke yesterday morning that I would ever end up -upside down in my 7 month old Prius.
As I left the house I saw that it was already 8:45 so I told myself what is the ONE thing on your list that must be done. It was the phone, I needed a phone for communication with the important people in my life....my kids. My T-mobile phone totally got an attitude and called it quits. I have been with them since Suncom(16 years), I wanted a change. As I drove up to the AT&T store I was the first customer there. The lady was super nice and even nicer when she realized who my mother was. My mom is the phone "go to" lady at Dixie Cup. She helps deal with the more than 40 cell phones they have through AT&T. I just wanted my McLeod employee discount, I love not paying full price for things(I have to, I have 4 kids and I live in SC- please). I couldn't transfer my phone numbers from my t-mobile phone over to my new at&t phone. I was used to no communication from the previous days(where my phone blacked out and I couldn't see text or make calls), so I just threw the my new phone into my car and took off for work.
I was about half way to work and ready to teach my yoga class. It was raining and there was more traffic than usual. I thanked God for the encouragement from the night before. I expressed my desire to know him and told him how lonely I was. I was thankful for everything he has been teaching me and then it happened. The truck to the right pulled out in front of me to pass the mack truck he was behind. I pushed on the brakes to slow down and not hit him, but the wheels kept turning and I was not slowing down. I refused to hit the back of him so I veered to the left because the mack truck was beside us. I hit the grass on the median and thought to myself: "this is not going to be good." There was a small ditch that bounced me off the grass and onto the on-coming traffic. I didn't want to get hit so I started to turn my steering wheel, my car wasn't on the ground quite yet, so when it did land at the angle the tires were -my car turned over onto the side. I put my arms over my head as the car started to flip and feel the pavement impacting from every angle. Glass was shattering all around me. It was then I knew I was okay. I wasn't scared, I knew I was in the right place at the right time. I didn't see my life flash in front of my eyes, it was as if God was saying "It's not your time, yet." I felt peace, I honestly felt as if someone was holding me in place. You see, I don't remember putting my seatbelt on. I admit that I hate wearing a seatbelt and usually only do when my kids are with me. I even got a ticket the month before for NOT wearing a seatbelt. Anyway, when the car stopped spinning and I was hanging upside down I thought to myself "How did I get buckled?" "what am I going to do? I don't know anyones number and I don't even know where my phone is." I unbuckled and gathered my belongings when I saw feet through the window. Then the voices, "Are you okay in there?" "Oh my gosh, she's moving around in there!" "Do you need help getting out?" I crawled out of the window on top of all the shattered glass and hugged a beautiful woman by the name of Carol. Carol looked at me and we knew each other. She told me "what a miracle!" "God has got a purpose for you." The ambulance arrived and took me to the hospital on a back board because my neck and head were throbbing. I kept thinking how am I going to pick up the kids? As they rolled me into the emergency room all I saw was the ceiling. Then I saw Bill. Bill is a dear friend that has probably been through about the same amount of crap as I have. He works in the ER and we go to the same church, Newspring. He happens to be in my Bible study. I started to cry a little. I thought I was going to have to be alone in this crisis, yet God had made sure I wasn't. Bill called my mother for me and my ex-husband, so he could pick up the kids, in case something went south of the border. Yea, I cried. I got all sissy like and let the tears salt up my face. It was when nobody was with me, but yes I cried. Eventually, I thought of my kids and smiled big! I am thankful, thankful to have this chance, thankful for life, thankful. You see, I never planned this life, but He did and I'm cool with whatever he has in store for me. I had to slow down, I was told to remain still until everything checked out okay. It is in those moments when we can hear Him clearly. If your staying busy to keep your focus off of something, be careful because you might end up with one of these "What just happened?" moments.

speak to me

speak to me
speak to me now
i'm lost without your voice
without you is to be without direction
to not feel your breath upon me makes me hunger for more
more of you
less of me
for you to be in my veins
and never have you out
so that all i taste is you
inside my mouth

to be one and feel you completely
speak to me, make me absolute

you are the only one i have ever loved
you are the only one that has returned love

hold me until i pass
pass through this nonsense
this lewd creation

Hey, hello, anyone? anyone?

Okay, I should be doing my algebra right now, but I HAVE to let this OUT!!!!! Not that it really matters, right? I can't imagine anyone addicted to my rantings. But, today was soooooo good! Church made me happy to be alive. I guess it really wasn't church that did it. It was God.
Pause:
There are times when I'm super overwhelmed and I fear that I haven't done my best as a person, a woman, a mother or just point blank I haven't been true to whom Kara is. To tell this in a series of events so that someone might understand it all.....I will start with this past Thursday night. I had some peeps over from church and we got into the ramblings of why doesn't the church do enough? Why do most Christians ignore the needs of others all around them? Pointing fingers, tongues full of accusations, and not daring to make a difference in their communities. I, doing what I do best, defended each side. People are wrapped up in their lives, taken away by their to do list, hurting deep within themselves due to unwanted hits of life(death, divorce, financial loss, etc.). Most humans can't see past their own noses because of the inward battle and consuming agenda they have calculated as their world. Knowing it will fall apart if they wake up from this glorified temple they have righteously built on their own terms. Because if they (I really should use- WE) step into the awareness of living in this world then WE would see with our own eyes the difference that just ONE of us could make! Unveiling our self absorption to discover THIS is where I am supposed to be! I am HERE to bless, I am HERE to give HOPE, I am HERE for a FREAKIN REASON!
YES! Today I feel like I woke up! My kids need me, I need me. I LOVE what I do. I love the people I know. I make a difference.
For the past month since I moved (into my new home) I have wanted to somehow serve the homeless man that lives literally 20 steps away from my back door. After an amazing, encouraging, word from this mornings service, I stopped procrastinating. I MADE my children gather all this man's belongings, which were wet clothes scattered amongst the ground. We threw away some of the trash that was near his resting spot. For the next two hours my roommate and I washed this man's clothes that consisted of 2 pair of jeans, 6 shirts, 2 shorts, 3 pair of underwear, 2 pair of socks, a washcloth, and a towel. I drove my children to the store where we bought him a $4 plastic bin to hold his belongings. Andrew and Luke paid for a drink with 102 pennies each, the clerk's remark under her breath how she wasn't a piggy bank didn't even phase my children. We neatly folded his clothes, rolled them into his new green container that hid perfectly in the wooded area he returned to every night. I didn't have much, but what I had -I shared: strategically placing 6 granola bars, 2 gatorades, 6 slim jims, 1 apple, 1 orange, a package of ritz crackers, a water bottle full of water, alongside my roomies 3 cans of soup she placed in this man's new camouflage bin.
We don't know if this man will hate or appreciate our gesture. You never can tell, I've talked to many homeless people before and they(like us) are human.
He might be pissed we moved his things, he might not be and maybe even happy his clothes are free from dirt and smell slightly better. I just know that he is a man, a man that needs hope, just like us.
I always say, "If I could only do more....." Well, from now on, I'm not just going to pray about it, I'm going do it. Some things in this life don't need prayer, they just need action.

Cell Phones While Operating A Motor Vehicle

People catch up with friends by means of text messaging or voicemail, read and reply to e-mails, set up or cancel appointments on their calender, Google their favorite song, play electronic games, read daily horoscopes, check bank account balances, and use GPS to map where they are going. Each of these activities can be achieved on the modern day cell phone and in a matter of seconds. Should this be justified while driving? After all, only thirty states, out of the fifty that contribute to create the United States of America, ban text messaging while operating a motor vehicle. There is not one state that bans all cell phone usage to drivers.
Eleven of the thirty states, that banned text messaging while driving, only enacted their laws in 2010. Is it really progress that only eight states (California, Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, New Jersey, New York, Oregon, and Washington) outlaw the use of hand-held mobile phones while driving?
It is extremely important to pay attention while driving. Distractions while conducting a motor vehicle can be life-threatening. It merely takes a second for a driver to slam on their brakes to avoid a possible accident, hitting an animal or perhaps even worse- someone's child. In the hustle and bustle of our daily lives we are consumed with getting from one place to another; during this process we attempt to accomplish as much as possible. Being accustomed to a convenient lifestyle welcomes the stress of responding quickly and the pressure to keep up with technology combined with everyone's expectations. These type of calls should “wait until the customer is safely parked on the side of the road, or out of their cars.” (Kelsey)
At the University of North Carolina Highway Safety Research Center it has been found that talking on a cell phone while driving, you are four times more likely to be in a crash. Research says that it can be the same risk as if being in a crash with a drunk driver. Drivers are allowing their attention to be split, it is not necessarily holding the phone, but it is your mind and focus being diverted elsewhere.
Statistics show that sixty-one percent of the twenty-eight million Verizon subscribers use their cell phones purely for personal reasons. (Cronkleton) In 2009, a study by the Harvard Center for Risk Analysis estimated six percent of vehicle crashes, causing about 2,600 deaths and 12,000 serious injuries a year, are attributable to cell phone use. The Congressional Chartered National Safety Council's president and chief executive, Janet Froetscher opines “It's not just what you're doing with your hands- it's that your head is in the conversation and so your eyes are not on the road.” (FoxNews.com)
So where are the modern conveniences this amazing technology of tomorrow is taking us? Is it consuming our world to the point where we are risking our lives and the lives of others in daily traffic? There must be a change, an awareness, to be in the moment of the driver's seat and not elsewhere. Accepting responsibility is a huge part of the awareness that needs to take place, meaning that driver's need to take ownership while in transit. It is agreed by the Governors Highway Safety Association that dangerous driving can take place while on a cell phone. The task is ridiculously challenging to enforce a ban on drivers using cell phones, when drivers will not admit they have been on the phone in the first place! The likelihood of the drivers who are in accidents, even with fatalities involved, are scared to speak the truth of how the accident occurred.

Their Whole World is Changed: The Effects of Divorce on Children

“SHUT UP! MOM IS BEING NICE! WE WON'T BE ABLE TO GO TO THE PARK IF YOU KEEP RUNNING THROUGH THE AISLES!” Luke screamed as the tears rolled down his face. Not only was he angry at his brothers and sister for not listening to their mother, he was frustrated with feelings he couldn't describe. He was hurting; his emotions were all over the place. A simple trip to the grocery store was like a pilgrimage to the Ganges River from Bombay. Yet, his journey was not alone. Luke had two brothers and one sister that he loved dearly but, he could not control them. Four small children between the ages of ten and four were tired, confused and overwhelmed with a sense of loss. The loss of a family, loss of comfort, and a loss of hope that their parents would ever get back together.
Sadly enough over sixty percent of divorces have children. Many people claim how the children are the innocent bystanders that have to suffer their parents creation of a destructive family. There are arguments of why the family should stay together or, why they need to separate. Whatever the reason from adultery, financial status, domestic violence, or sexuality indifference; divorce happens. It is unfortunate for children to experience such hardship, yet thousands upon thousands go through this pain every year. Children of divorced families plow through perceptions of insecurity, instability, loneliness, sensing neglect and acting as if they have been abandoned.
The effects of divorce upon children can be harsh. Reactions occurring through means of hostility justifying the child's outlet for his/her emotions. Some choose to lash out at their parents, friends or strangers. Others suppress their anger or apprehensions of blame and fault. Children are torn in their minds believing they have to decide between the two parents. Tangibly being pulled; not understanding what has happened and wondering where they belong.
Marriage represents oneness and unity. When broken, as if a favorite piece of china has been shattered onto the ground. The surroundings change abruptly and if not cleaned up or somehow put back together; it can lead to shards of glass cutting away at the life that was familiar. Everyone's world is changed forever when this happens. Negative and positive effects can play out.
A child's self esteem could be at risk as they desperately look for direction during this transitional season. Asking serious questions, maybe even saying “Who will love me, for me?”
A sense of belonging is what these children need to survive as their world is turning upside down. Some parents fear that their children will hate them or possibly lose them to the other parent. Children might learn to manipulate the parents into getting what they want(such as a new toy or just having their way). Most parents desire to ease the child's pain and lead them to a successful transition.
Divorce is not easy on children. Adults that have walked through it as a child know. They have compassion for the ones new to the pilgrimage. There is an awareness and strength that these children will come out with when its all said and done. A mountain they will have climbed and not even realized it until they reach adulthood. The longing for completeness(a wholeness that brings comfort) is stirred up in them at an early age, yet they are a bit wiser. Young and searching: for wisdom, longing for acceptance.

I allowed it to happen

So I allowed you to come in. I allowed you to stay.
I let you use me in every way. Now I have nothing left to give, nothing more to say. I'm washed and worn, no longer available to understand pain. Numb is what you might think. Yet, there was a time when I was a child and everything was okay. Death becomes us, now I just sit and wait.

Where am I

I am desperate. Desperate to feel love, to feel like I belong, to not fear. I'm completely vulnerable and raw. Honestly the only desires I have are to be in the presence, the unspeakable peaceful presence of the one that lets me melt in His arms. I am not afraid to say these things out loud or allow them to hit like lightening onto paper. Because this is where i am.

Not throwing rocks

In church this morning I heard the comment, "We are not a church that throws rocks, we throw grace." My church took a run down abortion clinic last year and flipped it for an organization that takes struggling mothers in to smother them with love, aid them with parenting classes, and supplies to equip them(diapers, strollers, and such). I thought how cool, what a way to be Jesus! Church let out and I ran to get the kids, because I had to teach yoga. They were not in the best of moods, so fights had to be put out all day. This is why I made sure to fit a swim in. I wanted the frustrations of life to evaporate, wash off of me as I swam. It seems as if I am not as strong as I want to be. I am not the testimony I used to be. I assume this position of victim. I attempt to refuse this character, yet I am struggling to even smile. I desire to be light, to be the one that encourages and loves without any borders. Yet, I am completely run down. There are moments I surrender to the negativity, and find it difficult to see any end to this hell we walk through during some of the stages of our survival here. Geez, this is NOT the blog to read if you want to laugh....am I right. I will say that my children are the only reason I get through most of my days. One minute your fussing at them for misconduct and the next, laughing uncontrollably because you recall doing the same thing as a child. For instance, the boys were on their walkie talkies the other day and I caught wind of the 'F' bomb. As I approached them, they swore they didn't say it and never would as they continued to enlighten me with their euphemism for it: F-L-O-C-K. As you can imagine, flock distorted over the radio into -you guessed it- the 'F' word. I lost it, I started snickering right in front of the boys. Then rolled into full blown laughter, they loved it and I wanted to hold onto that priceless, silly second for eternity. Now, for those of you that are horrified by my parenting skills due to your religious strongholds.....deal with it, go throw your 'flocking' rock somewhere else. Haha! Mercy comes in the morning, I need it, my children need it, don't we all need it? Of course none of us deserve it. I don't understand what you have been through, I only know of my pain. I am clueless to your addiction, your loss, your love, the depression, your hardships, your cancer, the walk you persist to persevere uninterrupted. Just know you will only receive grace from me, in the form of a listening ear or a bowl of soup, maybe with some ice cream or hot cocoa, if hugs are acquired -so be it. I am discovering that nothing matters except the nourishment humans need, to be fed: physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I have had rocks thrown my way, it sucks and I think it's flocked up! I have unfortunately thrown a few myself and beg for redemption. I enjoy this wisdom that parallels with age. Then again, maybe I'm just flocked up. If your stock is empty and you have run out, don't worry.....you can have my rocks. I'm done throwing, only grace remains here because I know it all too well.....when you have fallen as much as I have you see your weakness as an abortion clinic that needs to be flipped/revamped into something functional that loves people just the way they are(even on their bad days).