I allowed it to happen

So I allowed you to come in. I allowed you to stay.
I let you use me in every way. Now I have nothing left to give, nothing more to say. I'm washed and worn, no longer available to understand pain. Numb is what you might think. Yet, there was a time when I was a child and everything was okay. Death becomes us, now I just sit and wait.

Where am I

I am desperate. Desperate to feel love, to feel like I belong, to not fear. I'm completely vulnerable and raw. Honestly the only desires I have are to be in the presence, the unspeakable peaceful presence of the one that lets me melt in His arms. I am not afraid to say these things out loud or allow them to hit like lightening onto paper. Because this is where i am.

Not throwing rocks

In church this morning I heard the comment, "We are not a church that throws rocks, we throw grace." My church took a run down abortion clinic last year and flipped it for an organization that takes struggling mothers in to smother them with love, aid them with parenting classes, and supplies to equip them(diapers, strollers, and such). I thought how cool, what a way to be Jesus! Church let out and I ran to get the kids, because I had to teach yoga. They were not in the best of moods, so fights had to be put out all day. This is why I made sure to fit a swim in. I wanted the frustrations of life to evaporate, wash off of me as I swam. It seems as if I am not as strong as I want to be. I am not the testimony I used to be. I assume this position of victim. I attempt to refuse this character, yet I am struggling to even smile. I desire to be light, to be the one that encourages and loves without any borders. Yet, I am completely run down. There are moments I surrender to the negativity, and find it difficult to see any end to this hell we walk through during some of the stages of our survival here. Geez, this is NOT the blog to read if you want to laugh....am I right. I will say that my children are the only reason I get through most of my days. One minute your fussing at them for misconduct and the next, laughing uncontrollably because you recall doing the same thing as a child. For instance, the boys were on their walkie talkies the other day and I caught wind of the 'F' bomb. As I approached them, they swore they didn't say it and never would as they continued to enlighten me with their euphemism for it: F-L-O-C-K. As you can imagine, flock distorted over the radio into -you guessed it- the 'F' word. I lost it, I started snickering right in front of the boys. Then rolled into full blown laughter, they loved it and I wanted to hold onto that priceless, silly second for eternity. Now, for those of you that are horrified by my parenting skills due to your religious strongholds.....deal with it, go throw your 'flocking' rock somewhere else. Haha! Mercy comes in the morning, I need it, my children need it, don't we all need it? Of course none of us deserve it. I don't understand what you have been through, I only know of my pain. I am clueless to your addiction, your loss, your love, the depression, your hardships, your cancer, the walk you persist to persevere uninterrupted. Just know you will only receive grace from me, in the form of a listening ear or a bowl of soup, maybe with some ice cream or hot cocoa, if hugs are acquired -so be it. I am discovering that nothing matters except the nourishment humans need, to be fed: physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I have had rocks thrown my way, it sucks and I think it's flocked up! I have unfortunately thrown a few myself and beg for redemption. I enjoy this wisdom that parallels with age. Then again, maybe I'm just flocked up. If your stock is empty and you have run out, don't worry.....you can have my rocks. I'm done throwing, only grace remains here because I know it all too well.....when you have fallen as much as I have you see your weakness as an abortion clinic that needs to be flipped/revamped into something functional that loves people just the way they are(even on their bad days).