"When life hands you shit, fertilize a garden."

I'm reading my best friend's, since 7th grade, book titled: 'The Sense About Madness'. It is one of the most well written books I've ever read. It is a raw look at child abuse, sexual violence, and mental illness. I recommend it not just for those that have walked through any similar experience, and not just for those that have loved ones dealing with the above yet, I recommend it to EVERYONE. Alyssa's strength and amazing insight baffles my soul. I have always been honored to be her friend, and now fully understand why God had us link arms. I am posting a link below where you can purchase it for $10.  
Reading this book really hits home for me. Alyssa is married and has been through hell and back dealing with a childhood trauma. Reading how she allowed herself to be open to love, discover a man that loves her and stands by her through it all ripped a worn out, dirty, infected band aid off my severed, bruised heart. I thought for so long that I could cover up my wounds with bandages as if no one would notice. Abuse is real, childhood trauma is real. Too often innocence is stripped away from precious little ones leaving them to feel as if they are unwanted and uncontrollable damaged goods. Lost in life and fighting to breath, I know this because it happened to me. I pretended to remember growing up when my family got together and laughed about old times, yet my mind blocked out most of my childhood. I am not sure if it was a coping mechanism or a way the brain works to protect us from trauma, but I win the award for childhood amnesia. Flashbacks started occurring in my 30s, as they did, I really didn't want to remember. Unfortunelty, statistics state that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually abused before they turn 18. How has this affected me? Well, it sure as hell didn't help me learn to establish healthy relationships, aka....the big D- Divorce. Before I married in 1999, I hated men. Didn't matter if they were a good guy or not. Only person I trusted was my dad. Marrying so young was not in my best interest. He wasn't patient, kind, or understanding. He was just your typical 23 year old self absorbed dude, just as I was the typical 23 year old hot-tempered, thought I'd "fallen in love" girl. It was miserable, over the course of 10 years I came out of that marriage more confused and verbally torn down as a human being than ever before.

"When life hands you shit, fertilize a garden." -Alyssa K. Vine Hodge

I never let my husband of my youth in, how could I? I unconsciously blamed my predator from my past, deciding the walls that I put up were going to protect me. What I didn't know then was by doing that I only attracted more predators. This is deep, I have to take a break now......maybe more later? I have a garden to tend to. Need healing, understanding, or just an amazing read? Here you go:

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2FThe-Sense-About-Madness-Violence%2Fdp%2F0692482261&h=EAQGUL82Z

What are you afraid of.......(warning: strong language and rabbit trail rantings)

What drives you? What drives me? Damn I wish I knew, the more I don't fulfill what I was put on this earth to do....the more complacent I become. Every day I lose more and more momentum of the truth that supposedly resides within me. I work hard to focus, yet do you know what a freaking challenge it is for someone like me to leave my house? This ADHD with OCD chic knows the struggle is fer real! I can easily get entangled into one of my stories, of a book I'm working on, starting from the end working towards the beginning.....seriously. I might get excited about a song I'm listening to so, I HAVE to get up and dance! This isn't a cycle, because I either decide to be completely threaded into the creation of whatever it is that I'm working on and forget food can be energy, OR I end up SO hungry that all I do is eat and watch old SNL clips, as I crunch and munch. Another wonderful piece of me is how EVERYTHING has to be in its place before I walk out the door, this drives my kids cray cray. I don't blame them, I frustrate myself by not arriving on time to certain events as well as always burning something while I make breakfast, lunch, or dinner. It is only by God's grace my house hasn't burned down from me forgetting the oven is on. My kids are better cooks than me, unless its baking birthday cakes, I ROCK those! Perhaps its due to the fact that I have four kids which gave me so much practice(a birthday for every season).

Alright already, here goes what I'm really writing about this fresh February evening. BTW, I'm FREEZING! Less body fat got me like an old person's teeth chattering during an earthquake. I wanted to address some ridiculous comments that have come from the fact that I dated younger men over the past few years. One, it is my choice so, your opinion isn't necessary. Two, you do you, I'll do me. Three, IF YOU EVER READ the BIBLE....age between most of the couples were NOT even close(10, 20, 30, 40 years apart, ewe, haha). Finally, that is your stump, not mine, so shut up and stop trying to convince me otherwise. I like younger men, its not a big deal. I'm super athletic and lots of people have a difficult time keeping up with me, even my own children. Old dudes creep me out, being molested as a little girl by an old man doesn't justify anything, but it also doesn't help. 

Dead silence, was that too much? Oh well, such is life. Shit happens, but even better...JOY is tangible. What am I afraid of? I am trying to figure it out. In the meantime, I seek joy. I get really tickled about the little things, you know, when the line at the grocery store is empty, when a friend calls you to say 'hello', or how about when you fill up the car with gas and its super cheap, waving to people walking on the side of the road, watching little kids faces light up when they get dessert, laughing -anytime this occurs- its awesome(just saying), and smelling the ocean. I get thrilled easily, I don't need a roller coaster or alcohol, because there are so many beautiful moments in life to acknowledge. Grasp on to the precious seconds now, tomorrow may be too late. Let nothing stop you from seeing the little sparkles that make the corners of your mouth 'turnt' up. Tell fear to go back to where it came from, hell, because that is where it belongs and not inside of us.   

Screw it, this is me....

Apparently, Thursdays are my writing days....I woke up, took the kids to school, planned on getting things done to find myself sitting in front of this damn computer that won't let me leave my bed. (Warning, strong language will be written.) I sit here contemplating if I should really write the things that my whole being screams or walk away and find some busy work to tend to. Screw it, this is me: Kara Christine Adams, aka raw to real writer, kick ass yogi, mother to 4 kick ass witty kids that have an amazing panoramic view towards life, personal trainer who will push you to your limits, author, entrepreneur, and one of the best massage therapist(healer) in the Pee Dee. It has taken me 20 years to say that out loud, my ego has been so fucked up all my life. Not conceiving that I was good enough. It was ridiculously silly of me to believe others perception of their own reality and NOT my own. The beauty of life is that we each get our own say on how we will live it. Fearfully and wonderfully created on purpose, every life is a gift that brings something to the table that no one else can on this earth. We should take joy in that alone. There is only one you, so live it as you uniquely were made to live it.

Guess what? On Mondays I trade massages with a friend, a really beautiful soul. It is one of the best decisions I make every week, a conscious choice to take care of my body, to treat this temple my spirit dwells in with respect. She does a lot of energy work, which can be very healing. This week she reminded me that my heart chakra was heavily guarded(duh, no one is getting in there!), my 3rd eye was fogged up(total stress from being a busy bee), and my throat chakra was not being vocal(not normal for this outspoken ladybug). Hearing that, I am taking the plunge to speak out my truth, knowing there will be haters and knowing I will be judged. I fully understanding that those that are not happy with themselves will find it fair to knock me down, point fingers, and attempt to dump their misery on me. I will not take it personal, because THAT is what I did in the past. With that out of the way, here are my truths I can no longer hold back:

I have no sex drive right now, I have completely submitted every area of my life to God and literally have no sex drive. To be clear, it was so strong, crazy strong. Being divorced for 6 years with a super strong sex drive is NOT easy. I struggled and thought to myself "Is this ever going to change?", turned out I just needed to COMPLETELY trust God. Our mind is a powerful tool, when we learn to create healthy habits and feed our minds with good food, knowledge, and using wisdom, then anything is tangible. Mind over matter really does exist! Forcing myself to commit to self development was a task, yet so worth it. What we focus on, we become. Habits can be stopped, negativity can be replaced with positivity, addictions can be broken, and reality is what scripture states: with God all things are possible. -Matthew 19:26. Faith is the unseen and can be unexplainable. Letting go of this imaginary control mode (where many humans believe they have the power to control the uncontrollable) is key to trusting God, being open to the fact that he wants the best for you and will make that happen is faith building.

Second truth....I have no clue what to do. I have these labels that are somewhat attached to me, yet I sometimes feel lost. The labels are not who I really am, they are just things I do. What am I really passionate about? What do I want to accomplish before death occurs? Am I living my utmost? These questions stalk me at times, not wondering aimlessly around in my head, but seriously pondering in my daily routine. How will this be solved? God, the universe, has already been telling me over and over again what to do. So, here is what I should do and the many confirmations, I opened an email a few days ago that read the following:

'I am releasing you from situations that are no longer beneficial to you.  You will know what I am referring to when you are able to see what causes stress in your life or makes you feel obligated.  I want you to be at peace with yourself, your environment and with Me, says the Lord.  I will show you the way out of places where you feel trapped or entangled.  Galatians 5:1 Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage.'

The following night I woke up to a dream where I saw myself sitting on my bedroom floor praying. I had several papers around me, that had options of what I should do. That morning I got another email:

'Refuse to get stuck in this in-between place of uncertainty.  You do not necessarily have to take giant steps in the face of the unknown, but you can take the next small step while still remaining cautious.  Above all, you can trust Me to give you wisdom and to direct your steps.  You are not alone, says the Lord.  Proverbs 16:9 A man's heart plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps.'

Last night my 15 year old son, out of nowhere started talking about some things, looked at me and said "Mom, you need to pray, ask God what direction you should take. Your whole life is ahead of you, you are young and still can do anything." I was baffled, he had no clue what I'm currently going through or the decisions I need to make. He just was being God's vessel and speaking the truth that was within him to speak. 

This morning I received another email that read:

'To those of you who do not know what to do or what your next step is, you must ask Me for guidance and direction.  And then, wait quietly for My leading, for surely I will move you forward as you yield to My will, says the Lord.  I will show you the way that will result in what is best for you long-term.  Trust Me.  Psalms 32:8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with My eye.'

Now, excuse me as I have some one on one time to tend to with my maker. Catch you next week, I have a feeling this blog thing is going to be a regular pit stop for me.

Love, relationships, men, etc. etc.

Love, God is love. My dad showed that to me through my first several years of life. He taught me that love exist so strong as he loved my mother. I learned that stories throughout the Bible REALLY happened and how men should really act. Read to the end, trust me, I'm not bashing.
When guys attempt to talk to me or ask me out, I'm really disappointed in the shortage of men we have. They are too scared or they don't have any balls, it is so disappointing. Don't message a girl through Facebook to ask her out. Get her number, ask in person, call for crying out loud, don't freaking text it. Why act like little kids, not getting the toy you want (the goods) right away so, you look elsewhere for a shiny new toy that fulfills your pleasure for the moment. 
What is so wrong with pursuing a woman and stepping up? As if you are a disciplined athlete training to attain gold status in the olympics. How about commitment, is it possible? If you really think you have fallen for a woman then follow through, as if you made a choice and stick with it. Jacob made the decision to marry Rachel. Even though Rachel's father deceived Jacob and had him be with her sister Leah, Jacob never stopped (it took him 14 YEARS) until he married Rachel. He knew what he wanted, no matter the circumstance he didn't give up on her. I never see that, ever. What I see are dudes that want to be pursued.....what the hell is up with that? Seriously! I understand you want attention, but come on you are supposed to be the man, the alpha.
I didn't date for a year a few years back and people were like "Oh my gosh! What if you meet THE one? You'll miss your chance! Kara, you ARE getting older and four kids...." Puh-lease! That is what I call limited thinking. IF I did meet someone that could possibly be THE ONE, then he would get to know me as a friend and WAIT for me. We are all worth it, why settle for someone that doesn't know what they want and can't have enough self control????? Self control isn't just about eating habits, exercise, choosing a healthy lifestyle, or gossiping, shopping addictions, debt problems, and so on. Restraining sexual desires is included as well. Self control is a mindset. There are 5 pillars to a balanced healthy life which are physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and financial. Creating a positive, momentous, as well as successful life requires each of these pillars to become stable. Have I reached this level, ummmmm, let me think about that. (a millimeter of a second passes) "NO!" No one has, because each of us are continuously growing, maturing, and seeking these truths within ourselves. Finding our place or destination in this universe. 
Getting back to where I started: love, love is pure, love is kind, love is rich in self control and love has no boundaries when it comes to time. Perhaps you're thinking I'm some ridiculous girl that has been hurt by relationships of my past and just need to shut up, yet really, let's be honest....HOW many lives have had their hearts crushed from divorce or child custody cases? We are a wounded nation because men are not men anymore and women are not women. We have failed to raise our children to take charge and lead them to stand behind their word. We let go of discipline and let them run wild like there are no consequences for our actions. Allowing the television to create our morals. Our words and the statements we make are not impeccable. Do we really honor others or do we take everything personal? Instead of communication, we make assumptions and have no idea what we really want. Do we do our best or change from moment to moment forming self-judgement?
It's time we be the change we want to see in this world. Discover the truth that has been within you this whole entire time you've been here on earth. Let your yes be "YES!" and your no be "NO!" Love doesn't flop around, love is sound. I am challenged as these words flow from my spirit, I must love! I will not settle for ignorance, I will not tolerate desires that stir within me because of my lack of self control. There is a strength in love that shadows as selflessness and patience. Practice is the only way to graduate this life lesson and pass this course. Acquiring the skills to not give in to our desires, so that we may withstand the storms of life. Developing respect towards one another as sisters and brothers in order to flourish as a society. I blog these thoughts not to knock anyone, yet to inspire myself and others to stop crawling and drinking from our mothers breast milk. It's time to stand up, start running, training, and chew meat like an adult. Growing pains will occur, I guarantee it, but when you look back and see the man or woman that you will become out of it.....you won't regret it.