Today

Today, I actually got a massage. Then, I gave two massages. Finally, I decided to face something really scary.....ME. I talked to someone, and as I was confronting my fears of losing my daddy...I realized the difference of physical, emotional and logical thinking. Emotion is not something you can slowly change by adding a fruit or vegetable in to your diet. It is the hardest choice you have to make by separating yourself in your mind LOGICALLY. We, as the human race make decisions all day long. Do we realize how the decisions we make are based from what we have been through, what we grew up in and what is embedded in us? What comes natural to us? What happens when we are pushed from every angle and need?

What now?

The last time my father had surgery, about 2 and a half years ago, I let go of keeping my house clean. I used to be a huge neat freak! That was stupid, LOL. Lately, I find it challenging to sleep and go to work. This is on the other end of the spectrum stupid, because I need to help provide food and shelter for my family. Unfortunately, I am very honest. Not very good at hiding my feelings. When I arrive at work....I can't walk 2 seconds without someone asking. Asking about dad. I wonder how I can be everything I am qualified to be with this mega stress on my shoulders? My sister told me the other day how this was going to be a bad year. Yet, I can't help but see things differently. I expect the best! I keep imagining this year to be great. I want this year to be one like no other. I grab onto my carefree spirit and desire with everything that is within me to see through HIS eyes. To watch the GLORY of our Lord fall/shower over us. If I ponder and hold onto this incredible sorrow of looking through the world's spectacles, then yes- it will be a devastating year. All I will be capable of doing is weeping. My daddy is here now, let me enjoy each priceless moment with him.... if only a year. I MUST treasure what is worthy of being stored up for heaven. Let me gather my children under my wings and watch the beauty of God's promises flourish through these times of countless tears. I envision LAUGHTER, FUN, JOY, SMILES, MOMENTS YOU DON'T WANT TO PASS. I CAN live like today is my last and love as if it is ALL I have ever known!