Dimples

Dimples, usually the word makes me want to smile.  Tonight.....not so much.  Before I go on, I first want to say that I'm 36 years old yet, when people meet me they assume I'm in my 20s.  I'm sure it has nothing to do with the way I act.  This evening I happened to run across a pretty lady in my bathroom, she had dark wavy hair, brown eyes and a lot of spirit.  She asked me a silly question about which halloween costume was going to be worn this year.  Embracing the conservative side of myself (more recently) I said "the clown suit looks great!"  In her other hand was this sexy tiny Wonder Woman outfit she had worn a few years before(when the divorce diet was so easily being followed).  It isn't triathlon season anymore, so as she lifted her shirt I saw the dimples.  They matched the ones on her backside, just above the knees.  Then she looked at me in agreement "the clown suit will do just fine, even though I wore that during a few pregnancies....."

I haven't felt motivated to exercise or eat right since I moved, that's 3 months of being lethargic.  I'm not going to beat myself into the ground attempting to run some pointless rat race.  I never really cared for what the world thinks/their standards of beauty, or have given a second glance toward the latest fashion trends plastered all over some Style Magazine.  I earnestly want to learn self control:  mental, spiritual, emotional, physical, and sexual self-control.  It can be done- I think.  There is balance, right?  I just need to find it, like one of my kids lost socks in the house somewhere!  Titus 2:1-8

I got a call from the nurse, something wasn't right, I felt and knew something was different for a few months now. The call confirmed it, I was being referred to another doctor, in a months time I will know more but for now, I must patiently WAIT. With that information I had to go for a run -maybe to cry, maybe it was to ignore the pain, but quite honestly I wanted to watch the ocean crash onto the shore and attempt to forget all the negative things that were being thrown in my face. As I passed by houses where dogs were out I was amazed at how they just stayed in the yard, trained, or maybe there was an invisible fence? Thought to myself: “Why doesn't Tiger(my dog) do that?” In that moment it occurred to me that she was a bit of a free spirit- like me I assume, not trained, jumping with excitement when she sees someone, running up to them and instantly loving on them. Loving and accepting them just the way they are, for who they are, not holding back anything, no fences or pretend walls to stop her. I feel like that at times, I was born in this world not understanding personal space. It's not that I try to invade someone else's space on purpose, its just that I'm a bit carefree and ready to pounce letting others know I'm happy and blessed to be in their presence. As I saw the ocean from a distance in my run I thought of my dad, reaching for his final destination. I imagine this is what going home is like. In the pathway ahead of me was the beautiful water and all I wanted to do was embrace it, I wanted to shout out "I'm almost there!" When my father was dying and trapped in his earthly body full of pain from the cancer, I wonder if he thought "I'm almost home!" -the day he went to be at peace with God he probably saw Jesus and shouted with joy “I'm coming home, I no longer have to be here!” Looking towards heaven, in awe of its beauty. No longer a captive in his body, no longer trapped in the walls of this earth that kept souls out, anxiety and alienation rushing over him, perhaps a prisoner within.

I watched the sun set over the ocean, lighting the sky on fire and I suddenly felt peace. Knowing that whatever the circumstances may bring, I will trust my God, my Jesus -to give me hope as he did for my dad. To be honest, at first when I got that phone call I was completely human - scared, scared to know I had no one to hold my hand or hug my neck. And then, I came to a place where I could look up and saw what I was surrounded by..............

My dad's story was for God's glory, may I also leave a legacy that declares my story for His glory!

I love to have fun, celebrate life! Right here, right now! I want to be remembered in good cheer and with a heart that was desperately after God. Do you know how will you be remembered? Try not to care what others think, especially the ones that probably won't even show up at your funeral, haha! Hebrews 12:1-4.....READ IT!

Today

Almost 3 years ago I wrote this:

"I've assessed, I'm depressed due to the fact that I've repressed pain and sorrow from compressed memories. So is this really best, or am I obsessed with the mess? Yes, you are unimpressed with my chest so why don't you just give it a rest. Stop being so possessed by your dress and the quest to be blessed. I miss feeling caressed and guess its leaving the nest, so my simple request is that your zest be pressed away from me towards the west. For now it seems as if your vest has suppressed my heart, which I suggest is distressed. Leave, because I finally confessed."

 Today I write:

I AM a child of God!
I AM successful!
I AM a good mother!
I AM beautiful!
I AM loved!
I AM HIS & I AM BLESSED!

There is NO room for weakness (I may be weak yet HE is STRONG), I must be an example for my children to let them know that the JOY of the Lord IS MY STRENGTH! Nehemiah 8:10