just checkin in.......

It's not that late, but I got up really early this morning. My eyes are hurting so this will be short. I just want to say that it is super hard making the right decisions sometimes. I would love to go out and get some ice cream RIGHT now but the fact is I had some yesterday. Some people would say live it up, you work out enough. Yet, I am struggling with this everything in moderation cliche. I totally dig ice cream, actually anything that is remotely related to it! I could eat it EVERY flippin day! Would that be good for me? Ummmm, NO. Not good for: my heart, my blood sugar, my cellulite, my hormones, my energy level, etc. etc. etc. I ENJOY this simple pleasure yet, indulging myself without considering the consequences could end up somewhat ugly. How silly would I feel if I woke up 3 months later wondering how the hell did I gain ALL this weight? Even more so, how stupid to not think about what choices I make, what temptations lie ahead of me and act as if I will not suffer anything from poor decisions. I am more than human and make mistakes on a daily basis. I'm not saying to live in fear, but I am going to ask how will this come about? I believe that; "Making the right decision, allows you to feel the energy of the universe."

I am trying.....

I am trying, trying to cope, trying to live, trying. We have this amazing ability as the human race to process. Process what we are going through, what we've been through and dream of what we want to do. We also have this incredible way of neglecting ourselves, our family, our friends and our emotions. How we process is vital, and what we neglect is even more important. Everyone has their own path, is at a different crossroad and proceeds to challenging levels. What I fear is that most of us do not comprehend where we are, or shall I say: "We do NOT want to acknowledge the painful stages." When we are not aware of the processing we need to go through, then most likely we will have to walk through the same scenario ALL over AGAIN! Kind of like karma. When we neglect to investigate how we act, serve or handle life......then we become unconscious. I truly believe that everyone has been conscious at least one time (one moment) in their lives. Conscious by means of being: awake, alive, aware, in the moment, observant, not stuck in your own thoughts and self absorbed. Can we really ponder what it is to be real, to see who we really are and what our purpose is on this earth? I am trying, trying to truly see what is before me, trying to be at peace with myself, with others and with this life.

My boys.....

I would say that boys are curious, curious about life, about bugs, about boobs, about games, about discovering. Discovering where they are, who they are, and why they are. As a mother of three boisterous boys that endlessly challenge me in every possible way, I know I have never felt a love as deep as the one I feel with my children. Just the other day.... Andrew, my middle son, took a frozen pizza roll and crushed it into pieces with a pair of pliers. How crazy fun is that? My oldest son, Luke, tells me story after story and tries to live out his favorite character: Calvin (from Calvin and Hobbs). Seth is my youngest, who LOVES cars and is still proud to say I'm his mom with hugs and kisses! They may push me to the limit through disobedience and breaking objects, yet their laughter and small hugs cuddle my heart in a way that can not be described. I am thankful for them, I want to savor their giggles and silliness, be overwhelmed by their tackles and adorable questions. I have a feeling that God feels the same way about me and you.

All I Can Hold On To

The day my father died, I picked up doughnuts for my mother and sister. I'm not big on sweets, but every time my sis visits we end up eating Krispy Kreme doughnuts at least 3 times before she goes back home. I knew my father was having trouble breathing when I spoke that Sunday morning on the phone with my sis. I had a feeling I needed to get there quickly so I skipped out on church. When I arrived at my parents house, my sister just finished giving dad pain medicine. She said he was tired and fell back asleep. So, I thought I would give him some time to rest. My mom, sister and I talked in the living room which is not far from their bedroom. When mom went in to check on daddy 15-20 minutes later, he was gone. His body was warm yet, he was not there. I started weeping, extremely upset that I didn't see him or he didn't see me. Dana(my sister) said: "Kara, don't you blame yourself, because he waited until you got here, he heard you and knew you were here." This is one of the things I hold on to, knowing that my father waited and knew his girls were there. He wasn't alone and was comforted to know we were there. Everything in me grieves. He was such a GOOD man, the only man on this earth that I could possibly trust with my life. He was here for me, he was my daddy. I miss him and can't wait to see him again. It may feel like a lifetime for me, yet it will only be a blink of the eye for him. I want comfort, not from anyone here. I want love that goes deeper than the ocean, I desire substance. There is hope, I can not see it right now....but I trust there is hope. As I sit here listening to one of my friends songs, I agree with the words: 'Jesus Christ, overcome me with your love'.