What is this addiction I have of posting my most intimate thoughts in web space? I guess I fear if I do not put it out there it will stay within me. It might be that I am just reaching out to someone/anyone that will hear me. The strong independent single mom that comes across needing no assistance and can handle this life trusting God to no end -STRUGGLES! I am scared to death. I don't know how He does it but he does. God provides for me, more than enough! Yet, does this mean as I sit here bawling that I am capable of getting through everything this life will unveil. I signed a two year lease for my studio yesterday, WHAT was I thinking???? I didn't, I trusted as I trust every week that food will somehow magically appear in my fridge to feed my four precious babies. What really baffles me is tonight when I looked in my bathroom mirror to brush my teeth I didn't recognize the woman in it. I started crying and couldn't stop. I called out for my dad and of course there was no reply. Two years have passed and I still want to pick up the phone to call him and tell him I'm heading over because I'm frightened or I need him to watch the kids. He was there for me and directed me to Jesus every time. I am NOT okay! I am missing a HUGE part of my grounding. I'm not angry just completely lost on how to handle death so close.

Now the fun news: my ex-husband called me last week and informed me of his engagement, he said the kids were excited because they really liked his fiance. Yet as the week progressed the boys showed their concern. They now have more broken pieces to this puzzle they have to figure out called life. It was subtle but it was there. Originally, the southern red-neck Kara wanted to scream. I HATE the fact that another woman is going to act as a mommie towards my children. I do NOT like sharing, especially my children! She is a sweet lady, yet she has no idea the sweat and tears I've labored over each of my love bugs. The countless prayers for each of them and the precious moments that NO ONE needs to try to replace with new ones. This too shall pass. Yes, I wrote these thoughts out loud. I don't need to be consoled, just wanted to express it. I am not alone.

All some people interpret from my writings is blah blah blah blah. HAHA. I had to say it, I miss companionship. We were made for communion, not worthless attempts of single-hood. Why would God bother to create us if he couldn't hang out with us? Alright, I'm done venting, good night.