35 cents

Dishes are done, laundry is folded & put away, kids are in bed, lights are off and i am being naughty. Instead of reading, working, or sleeping.....i am on someones facebook page. I try not to get caught up in all that because i really do lead a busy life which normally gives no chance for play. As i gaze upon the endless web drama that floats into the great abyss -i am distracted. These past few months have been changing me. I am once again without a car. The only difference this time is the 110 degree heat index. People question me and ask "how do you do it? 4 kids, life, how do you do it Kara?" I honestly don't know, I just do. How does any single mom make it these days? How did my dad go through the hell he went through as he was dying from the brain tumor that consumed his life? A man came up to me and asked for 35 cents the other day and I thought "How can he do that?" Sometimes it takes losing everything to find yourself humbled and begging for 35 cents, what the hell can you buy for 35 cents anyway???? I often put myself in others shoes. What would make me ask a perfect stranger for change? I wanted to know what this man had been through, I wanted to follow him to see where he lived, to see if there was anything i could do to give him hope? Then it hit me how spoiled i am. Yes, i may struggle to provide a house and food for my children yet, I'm still spoiled. I am completely spoiled, I had ice cream today. My entire body is in pain from lack of sleep, yoga 4 times a day, bicycling around town with four children in ridiculous heat, & attempting to run a business. YET, I am a spoiled ROTTEN brat! These circumstances have changed me, I am content and not looking for someone to save me or secretly hoping to hit the jack pot(which btw I'm not objected to). We get used to/familiar with the circumstances we are faced with. Nothing amuses us or shocks us. Some may quote this mundane, but i say spoiled. Why do we act ruined, damaged, and useless? How could i turn that poor man away without giving him 35 cents? How, you guessed it because I'm spoiled. Walking the streets of my town I have become somewhat calloused. Not towards others yet towards myself. I deserve zilch. So what I constantly tell myself is "what i go through is nothing compared to what my Lord went through." Yea, I wrote it out loud.....I LOVE God, i know that I'm not the greatest person to represent Him -maybe that's why i love him so much! He takes me in just the way i am, with or without the 35 cents.