Abuse and sleep....

It's 1 am, I'm up strolling through my phone. I toss it to the other side of my bed to visit the restroom. As I pee I start to cry, what am I doing? Why am I wasting so much time? I haven't had a decent good night's sleep in weeks. I see my physical self in the mirror and am so disappointed. Disappointed, not in the same way others have told me how and why I'm such a loser. Yes, my very own mother telling me that her life would be better without me in it and quoting that my father was disappointed in me 5 years after his death. Did I believe my ex-husband as he told me I was a piece of shit and if I wasn't such a bitch he would have treated me better...at the time, I did. You see, I'm not disappointed in the choices I made nor I agree with those that chose to see the worst parts of me, I am disappointed that I listened to those people for so long. That I allowed them to feed me such hate. I am the one that gave permission to these individuals to cause harm to my mind, to let me feel unsafe and never at peace. I am responsible for the pain and torture because I only let myself be abused as much I consented to be abused. I didn't stand up for myself, I didn't walk away, and I didn't see my own worth. I can't blame it on the one that took my understanding of boundaries at the ripe age of 3. At 41, I'm JUST now learning that boundaries exist and they begin with your own flesh! People may see me as free, yet I know it's chaos that longs for foundation. Others may say that I have many gifts, yet it is just me looking for ways to express all I've learned.
Today, you will no longer hurt me. You will not speak to me that way, you will not touch me. I know who I am, and I am not your victim. I am not your "go to" when you "feel" like projecting your venom. I choose to live in peace, to be embraced with love, and no longer hide. I am not afraid of you, I am safe and seen as I truly am. A welcomed child, that is beautifully loved and understood. Who has a life full of wonderful adventures and an abundance of good.