Meditation, not what it's all cracked up to be.....

For years I ran from sitting still, from meditation, from having to sit by myself in silence. I didn't want to sit alone, breathe in and out. I'd rather read a book, drink tea, organize my thoughts, plan my day, or balance my bank acct. Sitting still and letting go, scared the hell out of me and still does. Falling on my face in a sacred place only showed me the worst parts of me, the moments in my life that I NEVER wanted to relive. Being bare, open and scared isn't where we desire to habitat. Running and working out comforted me because it made me feel strong and as if I could escape or at least defend myself if any attackers crossed my path.
This morning I decided to crawl into my closet and sit. As soon as I did, exactly what I thought would happen, happened.....I bawled like baby. You see THIS is the reason why I didn't want to be here! The place where had to embrace the ugliest parts of me. The tears wouldn't stop, the pain surfaced, I felt scared, alone, and trapped in a body that held anger from the past. For about 5 minutes, fear thought it had the best of me, until I heard and felt a loud pop. It was my right hip, the metaphysical occurred. When we experience trauma, so many of us store it in our bodies and it's result....physical suffering. Ever since I was a young child I had knee pain. Throughout the years doctors have told me it was arthritis, bipartite patellas, and other medical conditions. Yet, I knew deep within what it truly was all this time. It was unforgiveness and my ego not allowing me to let go of the anger. I knew healing existed, I understood we could live life as if pain was a choice. You see, if we give ourselves permission to come face to face with the pain, the trauma, the what feels unbearable past....we can learn to let it go as if we are standing underneath a waterfall and being washed, covered in love. My hip adjusted as I uncontrollably wept, I told the little girl, that didn't want to stay at her grandfather's house, "I'm sorry." I wept some more and then noticed I was sitting crossed legged for over 5 minutes. I didn't have to come out and extend my legs or slowly adjust due to pain. My knees were more than fine. You see, I didn't want to meditate, I knew of the pain that was waiting on me there. Not just my knee pain, yet my life's trauma. The connection is real, and I didn't deny it today, I embraced it. As soon as I did, it released. Right now, I'm not angry nor sad, I'm aware. Aware of choosing to love myself by taking time to meditate. Time to weep, time to let go. Meditation is not what its all cracked up to be, its more.