Can't sleep

I can't sleep lately, I guess it doesn't make any difference that I can't hardly eat either. Not good for the eyes, lol. I am so terribly sad. It is fiercely true that when you lose someone SO close to you that you go through stages. When my father died, the first week I was in denial -nothing was real; last week: crazy angry at everyone and everything; this week: I have been miserable. I can't stop crying. He's gone, and I miss him more than anything right now. I wish people would stop bringing it up and pushing the knife even deeper into my chest. I hate that I'm without my dad and can't tell him everything I'm going through. He would usually say something funny to help me laugh and lighten up the situation. I'm so depressed he's not here holding Eve (my daughter) for her third birthday today. He made her giggle like no one else could. My three boys adored Papaw, that's the name my oldest gave my father when he was just under one. They would actually sit with him. A nine, seven and five year old BOYS sitting still! Oh, the fun and silly noises I would hear as they played, I can hear my dad now -speaking in a deep voice with heavy feet: "Fe Fi Fo Thumb, I smell the blood of an English man." The boys would run, hysterically screaming, trying not to get caught by the giant.
If we give it a chance, we will find that life is precious. My father helped me see things a bit different, I don't know exactly how to describe it yet, he showed me hope and joy that's not from here. Someone reminded me of him yesterday and I am so sad, sad to have him gone.
Let me grieve, do not tell me he's in a better place and he is no longer suffering. It does not comfort me. Just let me grieve.