I am taken

Recently I wrote a post that I did not publish to the public, it was titled

"Why Haven't I Learned by Now?" and it went a little something like this......

'Wouldn't you think by the time you hit your 30s you would know who you are and be content with that? I am discovering through much heartache and pain in my life that I have no idea what it means to love myself. Memories of my past run through my mind helping me to see the pattern that became my warped view of self worth. Mother used to say: "If your going to eat like that you'll be fat." Teachers had their favorites and mentors putting me on the back shelf for another shining star. Finally, when my parents made the mistake of comparing me to my older sibling (concerning grades) it hit me like a ton of bricks. How funny is it when we take for granted the beauty all around us. I can clearly see others worth, how beautiful people shine from within, yet my own perception of self fails. This is where vulnerability comes into play and bad choices are made. What is truly disheartening is how people will take advantage of you in such circumstances for their own self pleasure.'

I didn't want to post it, I almost felt completely naked in a way that people could notice my most embarrassing flaw. Insecurity, shame, pride, and lack of faith in my creator. It all made sense when I realized how one day I will stand before my King and everything in my life will be accounted for. So, I decided this is nothing. It may even encourage someone. Right now, I am broken which means I am taken. Sometimes I wonder how I will get through the next step, or next hour when I am on my bed sobbing trying to rid myself of this unmeasurable pain. For those of you that do not know me, I lost my father a few months ago to cancer, my husband (of ten years) and I separated this past summer which has put another stress on my four children and the list could go on yet, I won't horrify you with the gory details. I started this post with "I am taken". How funny that I never realized every choice I ever made was influenced by my feelings or unconsciously based on wanting to be accepted. I didn't feel beautiful growing up or in my twenties, it was deceit and lies that spoke to me letting me believe I wasn't good enough. I saw beauty in nature and in others: internally and externally, yet I didn't recognize the gracious gifts he planted within me. So, I worked exceptionally hard to make people smile, laugh and uplift them.

Friday, my kids and I played hooky. We slept in, made homemade waffles and drove to the beach. It was so nice. We played all day by the pool and on the sand by the waves. In those moments, I felt healing and love. It was comforting to see the sun setting over the ocean. The waves washing away the footprints on the sand and my gorgeous children running towards the water made my heart soar. Free, free of worries, free of thoughts, free. I know God. He is my freedom, my shelter, my waves of redemption. He sweeps me away in His love. Only He can show me how priceless I am, how He has put abilities inside me and made me beautiful. For this.......I celebrate that I am taken. We are His and every breath we take is hope to know Him more -that we might be full of unspeakable JOY!

Psalm 139:13-18, Psalm 119:105