Picture Perfect

I thoroughly enjoy watching people. I could sit/stand in a mall, parking lot, or an airport all day long just staring at people. I guess its natural, we are designed to examine each other. When I’m observing mere mortals amongst the paths I cross, I become fascinated with the characters they portray. As if judging them on their looks or the way they carry themselves is going to tell me anything. This will scratch the surface, entertaining the shallow end of life. One can have a demeanor that gives me a tiny clue to what is occurring at that moment. Their countenance may speak volumes and their personality may be quite charming(or not), yet what is the depth of their identity? How can I recognize what lies beneath? Am I attempting to gaze past appearance and search out ones soul, and if I did, will I remove a covering that I didn't realize was there. Will it bring into light someone I can relate to? If I explore his/her authenticity, will I learn of compassion and not so much self absorption? To conceive some obnoxious idea that I understand where someone is coming from is absolutely absurd. Yet, judging another by their actions is even more preposterous! Fact; I haven’t walked in their shoes, I haven’t experienced their pain, and I don’t know what they have been forgiven of.
I can only master my response, which is determined to be one of peace.
There is no perfect human because all are flawed. Every single one of us has something that shines upon our imperfections. If we strive for picture perfect, all we will find is misery. So, should we embrace one another in honesty by saying: show me your pain, your damaged goods; to discover God within us, telling us: “I will show you the way, the way to be free.“ Free from bondage, suffering, facades, anything and everything holding us back from our fullest potential. He is our picture of perfection- that gave his only son as a sacrifice, that we might LIVE, and live abundantly! I adore people watching, what more fun is there than to see His glory, His workmanship!

A year without you.......

It has been a whole year without you, daddy. I didn't cry today, until now - when I finally had a moment to myself. I know people have been thinking of me - I felt it, thank you to those who sent beautiful thoughts my way. This past year has been difficult, I miss you more than my emotions can express. The life you lived inspired and encouraged me. Without you, I've struggled to find my own way. Now and from this moment on, I will choose to live and love fully, so that my children may experience your acceptance. Your heart will live on, the love and peace you gave so freely. I love you daddy and you will be forever remembered. I'm not letting go of you, your within my heart and I will see you shortly(yet seems like a lifetime for me). Earth is only the beginning of our journey.

home

Home, such a small word with a huge definition. A dwelling place, habitation, shelter, point where you reside, residence, refuge, destination, goal, a person's native country, a principal base of operations, the place in which one's domestic affections are centered, house, apartment, family, household, and we've all heard that old familiar term: "home is where the heart is." This weekend I had the opportunity to visit some of my family, my father's twin brother and his wife. I explained my excitement through a post on my facebook page that read: "I LOVE family, so comforting and reassuring to rest within such a safe place....family." All I wanted was to feel loved and not seen as a hindrance or some sort of nuisance, where I could be entirely real, completely raw and just me. To be perceived as someone that belongs, remembering where I had come from, where my roots were and how I was established. Home is the original location where you are accepted no matter the cost of what you've done or have become. It's where you can settle and exist without judgement or fear. It really has no set ground, it simply could be a person that makes you feel at home.
Maybe at times, we as individuals appear nostalgic or come across as fungible? We don't always explore our value and that is an easy way to lose sight of home. I realized I needed to surround myself with home. Getting back to the basics and embracing an atmosphere of reassurance, confidence, and a dwelling where I can aspire to be.........me. When we are home, we are allowed to comprehend and visualize the truth. Occasionally, we get tangled up in the negative, the past, the pain, the lies that surround us when we lose sight of home. Yet, all we have to do is make one phone call or reserve one flight(or shoot, just do what I did - hop in your car and take off) and we can be right back at home. Home gives us the ambition to live and live wholeheartedly. Home is not here on earth, its our destination.

i miss u

I was standing up in worship on Sunday during church, it was Father's day. The kids and I made rice krispies for their dad, so I dropped them off early that they could celebrate. I hurried through the slow motion traffic of my town to church, the band 'Mercy Me' was leading worship. Then they sang the song, the song that made me bawl like a baby! The song my dad introduced me to about 8 years ago, the one I put on his Memorial dedication video. This is the song that made me desire to hide my head in shame by wrapping my forearms around my head. I didn't want anyone to know, not only that I miss my earthly father yet I miss my heavenly father. I cried, skipping my breath with tears. "I can only imagine," really? Why that song on that day? My first Fathers Day without my daddy. Almost a year has passed and I'm still completely feeling the depths of my dad being gone. I miss you, I miss the very essence of you. I will never be the same, life without you is different. Not only are we apart, but the distance between God and me appears too much. In reality He is with me, this very instant. Yet, as humans we separate ourselves from Him through sin. But, His grace saves me like a strong man pulling me out of drowning waters. He speaks, knowing I desperately yearn to be comforted. Continue to love me Lord, that I might experience your hunger to fulfill my joy.

When do you stop?

So, when do you stop caring? Is there an appropriate time in your life that you stop caring for someone? Especially when this person has hurt you over and over again? I really don't know how to answer this one, because of who I am. I am not the type of person that gets burned easily. I play with the heat, I find it entertaining, discovering all its benefits (how it happens, functions, grows, dies, etc). Which is why I find it so challenging when I get burned because I learn to appreciate something about the fire or the person that reminds me God created this for some apparent reason. I watch it for quite some time, then allow my hands to warm up.....eventually my arms, torso, legs and feet are found enjoying the heat. Then it happens, I'm toasty. I feel completely warm and fuzzy all over. Within the snap of a flicker, I hear a "POP!" I start crying because - what do you know: I'm burned, my skin is stinging and I am in pain. Now, what do I do? I jump up and down, shout out how much pain I'm in, then start to run cool water over the burn. The throb is real, the scar is forever embedded on my skin and I am left thinking how and why did I allow this to happen? This occurs the same as the people in my life. I give them access to see me for who I really am and take pleasure in the warm, tingling sensations throughout my soul anticipating their presence. I'm not awaiting the discomfort, yet the flicker begins and the first degree burn hits me unexpectedly. I'm hurt by someone that I acquiesced passage into a doorway of my life. Then, as if the first degree burn wasn't enough, I act as if I'm resilient in more ways than one and grant permission to love AGAIN the people that tend to have an incurable history of burning bridges. So, not only do I end up with second and third degree burns, my awareness is heightened to the point of filtering everyone to where I come across as numb. These people require attention that I, alone, will never be capable of providing. There is an approach to reach out to them, but it is not for the faint of heart. I still believe -no matter how hard it gets, no matter who has enabled suffering into your life and through the sorrows we bear -that we are not to encounter vibes of elimination. I have committed horrible actions in my life, I am unworthy of anything good, yet God's perception of me is full of hope, full of grace, full of LOVE. This is why I love, why I get burned, why I trust that I can fall into a million pieces in His lap and identify with ALL mankind. So, when do I stop caring? I don't, my Lord has never given up on me. Why would I give up on you, He NEVER will? His love is enough, He laid His life down to prove it. I'm still here, scars and all. The numbness eventually dissipates and I am ready to love again. I am only strong because He has shown me His strength through all the layers of skin I have had burned. I'm forever weak and afraid, yet there is comfort in standing up after every burn knowing others have felt the flames too.

Who will love me for me?

What does love really mean, as I hear this song I contemplate whether I stand in faith or confusion. This may sound crazy, but at times I get suspicious and frustrated that I am too friendly. Do I stand my ground or am I allowing people to take advantage of me? I love smiling and birthing laughter in other faces, yet when I tend to open my heart to let my Creator shine through....its as if I become some sort of a target.
I walked into church this morning and could not, for the life of me, stay. It was Mother's day and I let my spirit be captured, against its will to find that I was caring about others judgement of me. So, hearing this song that repeats over and over, "Who will love me for me? Nobody has shown me what love really means." I exhaust myself with tears, all my life I have lingered and rested my head on His chest. Lately, not so much. Who will love me, not for what I have done or what I will become? Only one can, his name is Jesus. I am independent because I was blessed to have an incredibly strong mother. I do not ask for help and I always find ways to make ends meet. Yet, my faith feels thin. My belief is weary of his chest. I am terribly lonely and want a love that loves me for me. As of right now, I will sit and hope for love. To see it in others, to not be so friendly, to escape from here and now. I ask who is a free person? The one who is interested in liberating himself or herself from self-made bondage. It is completely in our hands whether to be bound or free. It is within my journey whether I will choose to love me for me and allow others to do the same.

yada yada

Life is challenging
Some make it
Some fake it
There are those of us....that just barely survive
Keep on, keeping on!

All I thought, was a lie

Yes, it seems I have misplaced my self-esteem. I don't think I really had it in the right place to begin with. I took for granted the things God has blessed me with. I let my heart be trampled on because I trusted lies. My world was shaken and I saw things through foggy glasses. I misread what truly was there. Beauty is what was before me, yet I saw a worthless, insufficient and useless piece of the puzzle. How amusing that my mind played games as if I was defective. It is not enough to see myself as invaluable or for someone to take so little account of me. We are priceless, whether you like it or not we are created in God's image. We can deface others or have people treat us less than what we are worth.....BUT how does that honor the creator? When we mock others or laugh at our insecurities what does that say of our trust in Him? Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT settle. The world and its enticing dreams will fade away, it will only last for a while. Then what is to become of us? It is so easy to be distracted, yet only God can restore us....bringing us to his lap for rest. All I thought was a lie, I saw ugly....he saw lovely, I saw disappointment...He saw grace, I saw hurt....he saw hope. I am of incredible worth, I belong to Him! He created me in His image, one that is pure, brilliant, and unique. Let Him remodel your thoughts so that the lies will cease and you may accept what is honestly there reflecting in the mirror before you.

Comforting Arms

I am up, unable to sleep and my thoughts rest on my faith. Do you question things? Like why things happen the way they do or wonder where is God in the mist of my sorrow or pain? I have been there yet, right now I feel as if I'm a ship lost in the storm. My compass is broken and my eyes are tired from the constant rain beating down on my face. I can no longer strain to see past this darkness and I'm weary from the waves crashing against me. I attempted for so long to hoist the sail and get through this storm, but it shall not pass. Atleast, until I realize I'm not the captain. When I let go and sit with the cold, harsh wind hitting my body I want to cry and pretend its all a nightmare. I know how I got here, I don't expect anyone to rescue or lend me a hand. My life has been just that: MY life! I didn't want to be the first mate, I wanted to be captain. I wanted to steer, I wanted to call the shots. Now, the storm is too much. I am overwhelmed and unable to focus. This is where I decline and inform you that I don't care anymore. Everything serves in time. Life continues to happen and I choose to rest. I'm done living in storms, I surrender to a place where grace wraps around me like a huge, fuzzy blanket. Where I am accepted for just that, accepted. There is this comfort that comes from a hug, not just any hug, but one that eases your tears, allows your shoulders to sink low and your head rest upon the chest. I imagine His comforting arms to be exactly that, and then some. Afterall, He is the captain! He is the most qualified, and doesn't take it personal when we get lost. He is there NO MATTER what we have done, to embrace and if we choose he will show us how to sleep in the eye of the storm.

It's true

I'ts true, we all struggle, some keep to themselves and few choose to boast. I will just say: "Help me with my unbelief Lord."