Created

Lately, I've been nesting.  Fixing my house up just the way I see most fit and functional.  I have many plans for this house that I grew up in, memories in every corner and nook.  The children and I see nothing but, opportunity and adventure!  Thanks to my mom, we are making it our own with new memories and laughter in every single room.  I believe that is what my father would have wanted for us.  I am now the care taker of my childhood home and am honored to keep it beautiful and safe.  As I was talking to a friend this evening that is currently struggling to understand why they have to be somewhere and telling me they could do better on their own, I was enlightened.  You see, I felt the same as my friend not too long ago.  I thought I could grow more and succeed better anywhere else rather than in my hometown.  When I was away from here:  pay was better, stress was gone, and people were more accepting.  Favorable circumstances occurred and life seemed effortless!  As I returned to the place I once called home I felt taken advantage of, judged, lost in a dry land of ritual and legalism.  People seemed harsh, unhappy, angry and stuck.  It was HARD and I didn't want to come back.  I literally hid from everything and everyone.  I learned it was not the town or people, it was me and my perception.  I told my friend this, and then noticed the bar-stool my kids and I painted the day before and said to my buddy:       

"Look at your life and circumstances this way:  You are an artist(you will understand this), when you create a piece of artwork - you see it as a masterpiece.  It's yours and you created it.  Well, God created you and when he looks at you - He SEES HIS MASTERPIECE!  Only He can envision the WHOLE picture and scheme of things(like a director of a film).  We can only see what is in front of us, not the end or deleted scenes.  God knows what's best (He's been there and done that) and we MUST trust Him!  You can't trust man, that includes yourself!  Man screws everything up.  Trust God with your life, the one who created you for it.  When we attempt to do it ourselves or try to take control and do things the worlds way, I don't think that we can become the masterpiece He designed for us to be (without Him/the Creator).  It's only when we realize that we desperately need Him to become the masterpiece He has designed us to be.  Then, we can discover why we are here and what our purpose is!  Seek Him and FIND Him, our creator, because when we see with His eyes what we are and how He sees us, we will be completely satisfied.  By spending time with the one that knit us together we discover our purpose and what we were made for.  He views us as beautiful, priceless, YES! WE ARE HIS JOY!  Just like when we delight in our workmanship."  

We are God's MASTERPIECE!  We can't fully be what we were created to be if we aren't plugged into the one that can maintain us and guide us to our destiny.  We might not reach our fullest potential if we don't get charged by our Creator, our Source of energy and strength.  Sometimes I'm foolish and run from the one that wants the BEST for me.  I cave into gullible thinking that I can discover better for my life.  I don't trust man, which translates "why trust myself?"  I know I will definitely mess up.

Point:  We really and truly can't be what we were created to be without our Creator.  Art doesn't just happen, there is ALWAYS an artist with a master plan!  Try to trust the one that sees the BIG picture and not your own tunnel vision.

p.s.  Take a look at this video, Pledge isn't just for cleaning furniture!

http://youtu.be/mgTMYjhVXQg

Humans fail

Last night, my dog Tiger was with me in the attic going through some boxes to find something I lost in my most recent move.  As I walked out and passed the rat poison bait box, it was empty.  Every single pellet was gone as I noticed my dog licking her lips.  I freaked out, got on my phone and dialed every vet umber in town.  Turns out there are no emergency vet clinics in my town that are open on the weekends and weekday nights, the only ones available are an hour away.  I grabbed the peroxide and started making Tiger drink it to induce vomiting, nothing.  The kids were crying, I was shoving peroxide down Tiger's mouth and life was not calm.  I had that drop in my stomach feeling.  My ex husband and his wife showed up, which turns out she adores animals.  In all the chaos, one of my kids called them.  Brooke asked if she and Adam could take Tiger to Columbia since I had the kids and the peroxide wasn't working.  I was fine with that, seeing how I was on the verge of losing my only consistent companion.  Brooke's phone rang and it was a friend of hers that worked at a local vet facility in town and she got a hold of the veterinarian.  One hour later, Tiger was vomiting up the poison, hooked up to an iv and eating charcoal like a champ.  Thanks to the two people in my life that I usually don't get along with.  Tiger, was dying, she ate something that she thought tasted good.  Like many of us, we think what we want is good, yet in all actually brings us death.  I thought working 24/7 when I didn't have the kids was good, but I'm laying here in bed sick because I haven't taken care of myself.  Everyday I wake up & rush out the door to a job or help out someone and only devote a few minutes to Bible reading and talking to my Creator. I forget to eat and find out at the end of the day I never exercised. This is NOT something that should be normal. I'm eating poison, the poison of this world that says its okay to work work work and never acknowledge our Father that patiently waits for us to spend time with Him so that he might nourish and encourage us (reminding us, that this too shall pass).

Truth is, I failed. I fail daily at loving someone that constantly sees only the negative in me and reminds me of this daily.  They failed, they fail at remembering I'm not God and never will be perfect even though I strive to be more like my Heavenly Father(wanting less of me and more of Him).  I fail at getting things done, being on time, being a good friend, and keeping a positive outlook.  Humans fail, there is not one soul I can depend on to save me, take care of me, love me NO MATTER what. There is only one that cares that much and can go above and beyond temporarily using His children to share His unconditionally love and grace. God is God for a reason, because we as humans screw everything up.  Yet, when we take the time to listen to Him- the world changes because we start to see through His  eyes.  His vision is way better than anything we can imagine.

Last week, my Bible study crew not only brought me a beautiful new bed for one of my boys, they left my house full of God's peace. Peace that no matter what, I'm not alone and I'm seriously loved.  I was exhausted from working around the clock (trying to make ends meet), forever feeling I can't go on another day because I was running this life alone(being the mom, the disciplinarian, the house keeper, the friend, the maintenance, the councilor, the provider, & wearing ALL the crazy hats a single mom has to wear) and it was too much for one to carry alone.  The stress of a custody battle on top of it all, I was sick of complaining and crying out to God.  WELL, a simple bed delivery gift turned out to be an extreme GOD is REAL moment.  I was working through out the weekend and left a key for Leslie(Bible study peep) to deliver what I thought was going to be a used bed for one of my boys who didn't have one.  A day later when I returned to my house after seeing Eve leave the hospital from an infection, I didn't walk into my chaotic-just-moved-in house full of boxes and things all over the floors, I walked into a beautiful, clean decorated home.

Doors were fixed, pine straw was laid out in the yard, pictures were hung, toilet seat was put on, bunk bed was made safe and secure, new rugs in the hall, kitchen and bathrooms, sweet smelling candles in every room, laundry done, refrigerator full of my favorite foods, shelves stocked with paper towels and toilet paper!  POINT made! God showed up and used his precious people to do it! They more than listened, they took action!  God didn't fail, we might at times, but He redeems us and that's when we get that second, third or forth chance to be His hands and feet.  Thank you Leslie, Bo, Jennie, Brian, Wendy, Ben, Leslie, Lindsey, Justin, Christyn, Victoria and family, Lourdes, Mike, MOM, and YES....thank you Adam and Brooke. Thank you all for putting yourself aside and putting on Christ.  It's amazing I fail, yet God still LOVES me ALWAYS! Now is the time to be with Him, seek Him, find Him, through His word and always remembering the things He has done!

Aren't we all Rascals?

When I heard Eve screaming I knew something was wrong. She was walking around the house holding our new(2 hours into the life of 4 kids and a dog of a single mom) hamster: Rascal. I ran into the room and there was Eve with big crocodile tears streaming down her face screaming "I'm so sorry! I didn't know! I'm so sorry!" as she handed me what looked like a wet hairball. It was Rascal, turns out that Tiger(our golden retriever/beagle) thought Rascal would make a great dinner. He was frozen and not moving, no breath, I grabbed some kleenex and cuddled him in my hands. Took him upstairs as I simply believed he was still alive because he was warm.  I just had faith God was bigger, I laid him face up on the bathroom counter and still nothing.  I thought: "Lord, how cool if you brought him back to the land of the living." Then I noticed his tummy moving slowly up and down. He stretched out his tiny arms and began to roll over.

God isn't finished with him, yet! Neither is He with you or I!

Why I get along better with non-christians than christians

When I was down right in the mess and ugliness of my sin,  there were three people that came along and held me through it, they put on Christ and revealed his presence to me through their actions.  I was wrong and hurting people.  Yet, these God sent friends covered me in prayer and literally baby-sat/took care of my kids when I needed help, watched over them and me.  They cared when no one else would, they gave me money to survive while other christians couldn't see past my sin and refused to reach out to me.  Instead of building me up, I was kicked down, instead of a gentle correction they were harsh and cold.   They knew I had a relationship with God and were angry to see how I kept on sinning.  Most christians just judged me and let me be, for the life of them they didn't know how to love me or accept me and show me God's character.  In my falling down I felt abandoned and rebuked.  That was NOT Jesus, Jesus doesn't do that. He would have held me, he would have come along and taken my hand and directed me to the heart of God.  Knowing my name is tattooed into the palm of God's hand, He saved me by His grace alone.  When others didn't reach out and extend a hand, I didn't get angry, I grew.  I grew knowing that to be more like Him I had to walk through the pain.  It requires intense understanding and mercy given to one to learn how to do the same with others.  Loving the unlovable, the complainers, the greedy, the misguided, the ignorant, the haters, the angry, the backstabbers, the merciless, the abusive, yes THIS can be done.  How do I know?  Jesus did it.  To be more like Christ it takes love and grace, not judgement or condemnation.  It takes His amazing eyes that looked upon me and his sweet mouth that spoke to me in gentleness.  It took the body of Christ, the REAL body of Christ to show me my sin- Jesus style, so I could I finally rest in my Father's arms.  I only continued to sin when the fake body(masquerading around in sheep clothing) didn't know how to love and were too angry with me because they saw the sin that only reflected the planks of pride in their eyes.  They could not recognize and discern how or what I needed as a fallen child of the King, not understanding that I just needed to be picked up and not pushed down.  

I know I'm a sinner and I get along best with sinners, because WHOM am I to judge?  There are SO many freakishly uptight christians, sad but true!  A lot don't know how to be normal and accepting, or don't understand what it is to be real and end up hiding who they really are.  This can be scary, but what's scarier is thinking you know God and in all actuality you don't because you're not seeking Him.  When we seek Him, love Him, and KNOW Him; it reflects in our lives and HOW we communicate with others.  I'm the worst at living the gospel.  The only difference between me and non-christians is: the Cross.  I have confessed and laid down my sin at the Cross (where Christ died) and believe in Him as my Lord and Savior.  I could NEVER save myself, that's why God sent Jesus for us!  The Cross gives me access to have the relationship I have with God.  God's grace showers me everyday and gives me hope.  I goof up daily, yet knowing my past and understanding God's love for me overwhelms me with a passion to draw closer towards Him which in turn fires a flame in me to be more like him.  I relate best with non-christians because I can't hide my flaws, I accept people the way they are because that's how God accepts me.  Christians that proclaim Jesus yet, don't know how to love as Jesus does have a hard time with someone like me.  Why you ask?  I don't know, you figure it out because frankly, I really don't care.  I'm just going to keep on loving EVERY single person I meet.  Yup, that includes gays, christians, killers, trans-genders, adulterers, drug addicts, fat people, skinny people, porn stars, mean people, funny people, tax collectors, the homeless, and WHATEVER PPL!

Not understanding someone does NOT justify not helping them or serving them.  Of course its easy to wash others feet that you love and get along with.  Yet, its hard to serve those that have hurt us or those we judge, we struggle helping people that are totally different from us in the light of perception and views, people we don't clique with or feel comfortable around.  When we assume that someone already has others to assist them or the government will take care of them, that's where we as christians have failed and deny 1 Corinthians 12:25-27.  Is it truth or not?  "there should be no division in the body(of Christ), but that its parts should have equal concern for each other.  If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is part of it."

Last time I read Ephesians 4:11-13 it said "Christ gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, to EQUIP HIS PEOPLE FOR WORKS OF SERVICE, so that the body of Christ may be built up! until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ."

If you see a need- FILL it, be the hands and feet of Christ.  That small tingle when you see a car accident or someone struggling to stay warm or a mom trying to carry too much, THAT is God/the Holy Spirit speaking to you, telling you to stop your busy schedule and share Him! Hug the soul that just got hit by another car OR dare to hug freely the one that caused the accident, give the shivering soul the coat off your own back and a fresh cup of hot chocolate, go alongside the mother holding the baby at the grocery store and put her groceries up on the check out counter from her cart. Don't just pick one! Constantly, continuously, BE what Jesus has commanded us to be: His disciples.  People that not only know His words and go to church weekly but FOLLOWERS that actually follow his ways!  We should be his(God's) biggest fans, passionately desiring to become more like him.

Romans 12:1-3 says "Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God- this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- his good, pleasing and perfect will.  For by the grace given me I say to every one of you; Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you."

Keep singing daddy, i hear you

Helping my momma clean out the house has been a long time coming, memories of my father in every room feel like fresh wounds. I found this incredible song he wrote down and I must say his faith lives on.......

Thank you Lord for the trials that come my way
In that way I can grow each day as I let you lead and
Thank you Lord for the patience those trials bring
In that process of growing I can learn to care
but it goes against the way I am to put my human nature down
and let spirit take control of all I do cause when those trials come
my human nature shouts the thing to do
and God's soft prompting can be easily ignored and
I thank you Lord with each trial I feel inside
that you're there to help lead and guide me away from wrong
cause you promised Lord that with every testing that you're way of escaping much easier to bear,
but it goes against the way I am to put my human nature down and let the spirit take control of all I do cause when those trials come my human nature shouts the thing to do and
God's soft prompting can be easily ignored but I thank you Lord for the victory that growing brings in surrender of everything.  Life is so worthwhile and I thank you Lord that when every-things put in place, you're in front, I can see your face and there - you belong.
Thank you dear Lord!

I think this one is my favourite, straight from the word of God yo:

Sing, Oh barren one, come and sing the joyful song for the shame and blush of your youth shall not be remembered more.  Sing, Oh barren one, I will proper you again, for your children's shall grow and grow established in righteousness.  For a brief brief moment did I turn away from you from you, now in great loving kindness will I come and gather you.  Sing, Oh barren one, for the mountain and hills should woe, My loving kindness will never depart from you!

Waking up to my best friend

There is nothing like someone loving you unconditionally!  Nothing!  Yesterday morning I woke up in the worst mood, I was mad and mean and this attitude even showed up in my text.  My actions were wrong, I felt I had to defend myself and the person was just wanting to pick up my baby girl for a play date.  Yes, I know, very immature and redonkulous!  I called this person later and apologized for 'venting,' I was just ill?  Yet, for some reason I couldn't get over this attitude, I couldn't listen to any music to make me feel better and I didn't want to read anything to boost my ego.  I was a true 'Debbie Downer' and 'Potty-mouth Paul.' I didn't' even want to be around me!  Eventually, as I was driving, I remembered a verse from Joshua 1:8-9 "Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it.  Then you will be prosperous and successful.  Have I not commanded you to be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

Yeah, that shut me right up!  You see, the night before I fell asleep writing down stuff for a task at hand.  It wasn't focused on anything positive, it was the exact opposite.  I am having a hard time getting it done because I don't want to do it, yet it is required of me.  Hang in there because my point is coming before I close up shop with a Kenya story.  I fell asleep working on this project and woke up with it on my brain.  I didn't give it to God to handle at all.  I tried to deal with it myself, which by the way- NEVER works!  If I just said a simple prayer trusting that God will take care of it and speak up on my behalf I probably would have slept better and woke up NOT thinking about it.  If I would have read scripture over myself and the current circumstances I quite possibly would have not woke up worrying.  Lesson learned, be conscious of the word of God I have stored up in my heart and my noggin!  Not doubting how powerful it truly is!  See this snake?

I was just in Africa less than 2 weeks ago, I saw how profoundly real and strong my Father in heaven is!  I walked right over this snake while visiting a local school.  I didn't know it, the person behind me said:  "Guys, did you not see that snake?  Two of you just stepped right over it."  I asked our interpreter Chrispoh if it was poisonous and his reply "Oh, yes, if that snake bite you, you die."

I proceeded to take a rock the size of a football and kill it, because I didn't want to hear of one of the students at the school getting bitten.  There is no medical care in site, it takes over an hour in a car, and everyone that lives there walks (they don't have cars).  In Luke chapter 10, Jesus sent out 72 disciples to spread the good news and he gave them authority to be able to do all that he had done!  He even said (Luke10:19-20) "I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you. However, do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven."  I didn't go looking or pray for a snake or scorpion, I was just willing to share the gospel and stumbled upon a snake.  Sometimes we are just doing what God told us to and step over trouble.  And then sometimes we forget to even give God our issues- like when I went to bed and woke up with a bad attitude.  Yet, how we deal with it is the matter of the heart.  I knew I had authority in Kenya, and so I protected those kids and killed that snake.  Yesterday morning God reminded me HOW to remain in Him and remember how He has given me authority, Joshua 1:8-9.  I must stick by him, allowing him to feed me EVERY morning and EVERY night with his word......the BIBLE!  Today, I woke up to my best friend and I LOVE how he loves me!

my world is upside down

I wake, the hour is early where I live, but not where I was last week.  Kenya, a place where poverty is not the end of all things.  I lay awake trying to embrace slumber yet, my mind is one with my body and refuses to let this hour pass unspoken.
It was only by faith that I ended up in such a place.  Literally receiving money for a visa the day before my trip to Africa, through one of God's vessels.  The young man doesn't remember things very easily due to a fatal accident yet, our heavenly Father reminded him and would not let it go -by keeping him awake one night, insisting that he give to a sister in need(me).  You may say coincidence, yet I know my dad better than that.  I was blown away every time money was due for my mission trip, I had no idea where it was coming from, or maybe I did......it's all God's money to begin with(right).
When I received papers 2 days before the trip that would test the waters of my faith, asking me to surrender the impossible(my 4 children), I remained obedient.
Was it the spirit of God waking a woman (listening for God's voice) that Thursday as I was getting prepared to leave on a plane, to empty all the cash out of her purse into my hands -so that I could witness God financially blessing the women in the village north of Nanyuki?  I can not describe in full what my eyes have seen, but please understand that I felt at home HALF WAY across the world in such a place where dirt is not dirty.  At one point I imagined someone packing up my own children and shipping them to me, they were my only treasures that were allowing feelings of homesickness.    
I was emotionally torn between the sweet children(that were complete strangers) embracing me -as if I was their best friend they haven't seen in years; and the woman who opened her home to me, serving tea to a christian despite her husbands beliefs on christianity -having stoned her for going to church in the past.
This is only the beginning of the short time I spent in a land where God spoke to me saying: "Do NOT fear!  The Victory is the Lord's!"  Joshua 1:9, Lamentations 3:57, Psalm 20:6(NIV)
I can not sleep until I cry out how "OUR God, whom sent Jesus to die for our sins through the cross and rose from the grave to give us hope, is a MIGHTY GOD!"
.............to be continued when sleep is not.............

Dimples

Dimples, usually the word makes me want to smile.  Tonight.....not so much.  Before I go on, I first want to say that I'm 36 years old yet, when people meet me they assume I'm in my 20s.  I'm sure it has nothing to do with the way I act.  This evening I happened to run across a pretty lady in my bathroom, she had dark wavy hair, brown eyes and a lot of spirit.  She asked me a silly question about which halloween costume was going to be worn this year.  Embracing the conservative side of myself (more recently) I said "the clown suit looks great!"  In her other hand was this sexy tiny Wonder Woman outfit she had worn a few years before(when the divorce diet was so easily being followed).  It isn't triathlon season anymore, so as she lifted her shirt I saw the dimples.  They matched the ones on her backside, just above the knees.  Then she looked at me in agreement "the clown suit will do just fine, even though I wore that during a few pregnancies....."

I haven't felt motivated to exercise or eat right since I moved, that's 3 months of being lethargic.  I'm not going to beat myself into the ground attempting to run some pointless rat race.  I never really cared for what the world thinks/their standards of beauty, or have given a second glance toward the latest fashion trends plastered all over some Style Magazine.  I earnestly want to learn self control:  mental, spiritual, emotional, physical, and sexual self-control.  It can be done- I think.  There is balance, right?  I just need to find it, like one of my kids lost socks in the house somewhere!  Titus 2:1-8

I got a call from the nurse, something wasn't right, I felt and knew something was different for a few months now. The call confirmed it, I was being referred to another doctor, in a months time I will know more but for now, I must patiently WAIT. With that information I had to go for a run -maybe to cry, maybe it was to ignore the pain, but quite honestly I wanted to watch the ocean crash onto the shore and attempt to forget all the negative things that were being thrown in my face. As I passed by houses where dogs were out I was amazed at how they just stayed in the yard, trained, or maybe there was an invisible fence? Thought to myself: “Why doesn't Tiger(my dog) do that?” In that moment it occurred to me that she was a bit of a free spirit- like me I assume, not trained, jumping with excitement when she sees someone, running up to them and instantly loving on them. Loving and accepting them just the way they are, for who they are, not holding back anything, no fences or pretend walls to stop her. I feel like that at times, I was born in this world not understanding personal space. It's not that I try to invade someone else's space on purpose, its just that I'm a bit carefree and ready to pounce letting others know I'm happy and blessed to be in their presence. As I saw the ocean from a distance in my run I thought of my dad, reaching for his final destination. I imagine this is what going home is like. In the pathway ahead of me was the beautiful water and all I wanted to do was embrace it, I wanted to shout out "I'm almost there!" When my father was dying and trapped in his earthly body full of pain from the cancer, I wonder if he thought "I'm almost home!" -the day he went to be at peace with God he probably saw Jesus and shouted with joy “I'm coming home, I no longer have to be here!” Looking towards heaven, in awe of its beauty. No longer a captive in his body, no longer trapped in the walls of this earth that kept souls out, anxiety and alienation rushing over him, perhaps a prisoner within.

I watched the sun set over the ocean, lighting the sky on fire and I suddenly felt peace. Knowing that whatever the circumstances may bring, I will trust my God, my Jesus -to give me hope as he did for my dad. To be honest, at first when I got that phone call I was completely human - scared, scared to know I had no one to hold my hand or hug my neck. And then, I came to a place where I could look up and saw what I was surrounded by..............

My dad's story was for God's glory, may I also leave a legacy that declares my story for His glory!

I love to have fun, celebrate life! Right here, right now! I want to be remembered in good cheer and with a heart that was desperately after God. Do you know how will you be remembered? Try not to care what others think, especially the ones that probably won't even show up at your funeral, haha! Hebrews 12:1-4.....READ IT!

Today

Almost 3 years ago I wrote this:

"I've assessed, I'm depressed due to the fact that I've repressed pain and sorrow from compressed memories. So is this really best, or am I obsessed with the mess? Yes, you are unimpressed with my chest so why don't you just give it a rest. Stop being so possessed by your dress and the quest to be blessed. I miss feeling caressed and guess its leaving the nest, so my simple request is that your zest be pressed away from me towards the west. For now it seems as if your vest has suppressed my heart, which I suggest is distressed. Leave, because I finally confessed."

 Today I write:

I AM a child of God!
I AM successful!
I AM a good mother!
I AM beautiful!
I AM loved!
I AM HIS & I AM BLESSED!

There is NO room for weakness (I may be weak yet HE is STRONG), I must be an example for my children to let them know that the JOY of the Lord IS MY STRENGTH! Nehemiah 8:10