Today, I was struggling. I have some serious shit going on. I found myself tired & not wanting to fight. I just wanted to ignore everyone & hide, crawl up in a ball & disappear forever. It's so freakin hard being a single mom sometimes, I'm overwhelmed, feel completely alone! The kids decided it was beat mom up with your words kind of morning. They didn't want to start back at school today. After dropping them off, I wanted to rush home, fall into my bed & cry. I know, I need tougher skin. Instead, I went for a walk, blasting my music on my headphones & wearing my hat as low as I could(trying to hide my face, hiding my tears). As a lady passed she started saying my name "Kara!" I tried to keep my head down & say "hey." But, she said "it's me! Wenda!" I met her years ago when I taught kickboxing. Then, her words hit me like a ton of bricks....."you know I lost my son 2 weeks ago." I started bawling, she said "no, I have complete peace. He touched so many lives, he had over a thousand ppl at his funeral. They heard the truth, the word." We hugged & I kept saying "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." We went our separate ways & I woke up. Wenda knows who has her, where her son is now & how mighty God is. She was full of peace, she tried to comfort me, reminding me this is all temporary. I stopped crying, I kept walking. My heart hurt for Wenda & my petty thoughts shut up.
Words may hurt at first yet, the negativity & lies thrown at you are only words & curses. They truly have no power, unless you let them. When I was 10 yrs old I was eating a Twinkie & my mother, who bought them, said: "you going to eat that? You'll get fat." My ex-husband for 10 yrs told me anytime we fought how ugly my body was, how worthless I was, & how stupid I was. I've been told by friends how crazy or retarded I am. When I decided to go into the mission field, my grandparents said "your ruining your life!" As I went through my divorce, the church told me I would never have God's anointing again. My family told me because I have 4 kids that nobody will ever want to marry me. These words have no power unless you give them a place. If I even let those comments fester in my head I would not have accomplished all that I have. Actually, some of those words pushed me to do greater things! The lives I've touched & seen changed because of my purpose, God made me for such a time as this. I choose to walk in healing & strength, letting the things I've been told to be silenced. We are all created for a destiny, to encourage, to love, to bless, to motivate & remind each other as Wenda reminded me "we are NOT alone!"
Ppl that are hurt, hurt ppl. Those that said those things to me were only hurting, they were suffering & didn't know what they were saying at the time they said it. Just like I do or even you do at times. I'm flawed, maybe probably more so than the ones I spoke of in this post. I didn't always have the best responses when I was being ridiculed, like when my mom said that about the Twinkie I replied with "is that what happened to you?" And when my ex would say something I'd yell "well, your a lazy, fat tard!"
No perfection here, but I do know I will continue to pick myself up off the ground & understand that the best is yet to come! I'm no longer trying to envision it, I'm DOING IT! Live life in the face of adversity, choose to break free from the pain & conquer an attitude of gratitude, not one of survival. There is too much to celebrate, so I'm going to stop focusing on what mess the storm created & start cleaning it up, keep on moving!
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