Covered in sin

I am completely filthy. I have said things, I can not take back. My thoughts went places they should never have gone. My face is wet with shame and mud covers my ears, so that I can not even recognize His voice. I am covered in a heaviness -that penetrates my heart to a pain that is indescribable.
I am without patience, I have NO self control, it is I who fails every time a test is afoot, I hate, when He LOVES. I am completely covered in sin, gasping for air as I weep.
Can I ever imagine the sufferings my Lord experienced? The differences between us? Jesus did nothing wrong, He had no right to be upon that cross! It is here that I am humbled. It is here that I discover WHY the CROSS exist. He willingly died on it...so that I could live and live FULLY. That I might KNOW Him, and NOT live in the dark, the unknown, to not see through pessimistic goggles. Life can be so damn hard yet, He makes it worth it. He exposes the parts that reflect His LOVE, His grace, His hope, His beauty. In every day there are reflections of Him, I just pray that my sin does not stubborn me to the point of where I don't notice them. He cleanses me, He has this incredible POWER to wash my filth away! His affections towards me are not ones of disgust or disappointment. He soothingly wipes away the mud and dries the tears, my past is still there -as it always will be.....but NOW, I hear Him. My violent past was a stepping stone to get closer to Him. I desire not to travel that road again, knowing my God is faithful and I can listen for His voice.