Keeping Silent

Life: full of possibilities; we are given so much and have the choice to live in captivity or freedom. I completely agree with Forest Gump's statement: "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get." Every time I hear that quote I smile. It's true. We don't necessarily like every flavor we might bite into yet, how we react is all on us.

I am constantly in awe of nature, how peaceful it is, how beautiful it is, how it calms me to just walk outside and either feel the sun's warmth on my skin or hear the rhythm of the rain. No matter the circumstances that have hit me in life, I've learned to be brave. I'm still learning to not spit the chocolate that I don't prefer out in disgust or react as a toddler pitching a fit when it's not the one I want.

Today, I was struggling to see the silver lining.
My very best friend wrote a letter for me, I need character witnesses and she stepped up to the plate. As I read it the tears streamed down my face. We sometimes have no idea how others see us, and when they capture it and put it down on ink it seems to always humble our hearts. Knowing that there are people willing to stand behind you and fight for you, takes my breath away. We are so used to hearing the negative or having others point out our flaws, it baffles our minds when truth occurs. Reading her sweet words stirred so much love within my soul, I wanted to randomly tell others how I felt about them and what I admire in them as an individual. SO, I promise from this day forward to not hold back, I solemnly swear to honor others light, I want to remind them of why they shine. Keeping silent is not an option anymore. Joy is my name and freedom is here to declare as our right. I am not afraid, I am not alone, I choose life by choosing love through caring and serving. When I am being stripped of everything that this world has, it doesn't phase me anymore. I have been crushed, I have been torn, I have been raped, I have been told lies that I am not enough and never will be.....yet now I know the truth and have all that I need. I AM MORE THAN A CONQUERER!

"This world has nothing for me and this world has everything. All that I could want and nothing that I need."

Words spoken

I miss you. I saw something that reminded me of you today, I held back the tears until now....this moment late at night where there isn't anyone to see my sadness. If I could just hold you right now, squeeze my arms around you. Letting my presence alone release comfort. My first instinct would be to protect you, steal you away, so that you wouldn't suffer the heartache. The pain people live in and don't know how to manage so, they cast upon you. You assume it's you, yet it's not, it's them. Because they were shamed & domesticated like dogs, that's all they know. I worry you won't survive, but I keep praying. I stay determined that this too shall pass. You are so sensitive, so awake and aware, I too have been there. My love for you will never fade, I'm here, waiting for when you finally have had enough. When you are ready to be free from the violence and learn how to walk in your gift, come find me so I may anoint you.

My heart's perfume

I'm going to waste it all on you, pour my heart's perfume.....don't care if I'm called a fool, I love you. If I surrender, I rest easy in my fathers arms & trust this too shall pass. There is nothing like daddy's embrace, believing he's the same yesterday, today, & forever. My soul cries out, tender for the voice of my Savior. It's by his grace I am clothed in splendor & may hold my head high. There is nothing this world or anyone in it can do to separate me from this infinite love he has lavished upon me. Priceless is my name, for I am my father's daughter. He is the keeper of my wings that I use to soar above these trials & broken bones.

30 days

 Today marks day 30 of my "Love like there's no tomorrow" journey. I think I've literally fallen in love. My heart feels so full, my mind is as if it's brand new, and my outlook on life has completely changed. I am no longer the person I once was. I can't stop smiling, everything I see is with new eyes, and people are so beautiful. I needed this challenge, I needed a new perspective. Choosing love over every other emotion isn't the easiest when dealing with the circumstances of life, yet it is ALWAYS an option. There is freedom in love, there is peace, there is comfort, and there is the source of our very existence.....our Creator. I dare you to try it, to dive in to complete, limitless love! The only backfire will be being drenched in it by everyone & everything that surrounds you. Your energy will transform into nothing but success, your understanding will grow deeper than the ocean, and your heart will be a bottomless dish of secret sauce that everyone wants to dip into. Trust me on this, it's beyond worth it. Choose love, every second....

Day 18-21

As the days pass I find myself more invested in the people I'm with rather than social media. I want to soak up every second. I watched a comedian compare someone ringing your doorbell growing up verses now....although he made it hilarious, it was true and sad at the same time. As a kid we got excited when someone was at the door and everyone in the family ran to it, or if the house phone rang everyone wanted to answer. 2016, if the doorbell rings everyone hides! There is not much else to say, just let that settle.

Taking action is what I feel led to do right now. Finding ways to publish my childrens book, working 110% in the gym and on my yoga mat to accomplish my goals eats daylight hours. The other moments are full of the limited time I have with my loves(children and friends), work, and allowing God to breathe through me. I'm learning to put my phone down more and savor the seconds that make life just that....LIFE! I smell my children's hair, kiss their cheeks, burn candles, read, sing karaoke with the kids, dance in the car at red lights, smile at EVERYONE, talk to strangers and make new friends by cracking jokes, stand outside in the rain, sit in the grass with the sun on my face, drink a warm cup of tea, and pray I never lose sight of how sweet this love is that the Lord has lavished upon me. Some days are easier than others, yet I keep reminding myself to be kind. Which there are several occasions I fail to do so. Yet, I know I want my life to be one that leaves a message of giving through kindness and laughter, a life that looked back upon refused to be selfish. May others feel lifted up when I am in their presence, because honestly, why are we here? To give the light that we have been given and create more access to visual beauty; or take it...causing more darkness to cover the earth so that we can't see anything, bruising and stubbing our toes from running into objects due to the absence of light. We have a choice, we can be light, or not.

Days 10-17

There is something about laser tag that activates my competitive side. It was probably my favorite activity the kids and I did over their spring break. We had to work together as a team; protecting, warning, guarding, directing, guiding, listening, encouraging, and looking out for each other. It reminded me that being a family, working together as one unit, is the greatest adventure of all.
The kids went back to their dad's Sunday and I was left alone in an empty house. I didn't want to stay there, most the time I don't mind, yet that evening I did. I joined a friend at the gym and then we celebrated our hard work with a drink. I dreaded the return to my empty nest so much that I text a friend to ask if I could stay at their place. Grateful again for beautiful friends.
Monday evening I was more than pleased to lock myself in my house and work away alone, catching up on bills and prepping for the week. Indian food with one of my homeslices, homemade coffee with another, time well spent. Then, the rest of the week as Rihanna says, "I worked, worked, worked." My 14 year old had the honor of traveling to NYC with a group from school this week and I was tickled each night he called to unraveled the details of his day.

One moment that stood out this week was a visit I made to the Dollar Tree Store. I was just grabbing a water for the weekly trek I make to the beach, yet something in my spirit told me to grab two. Standing in the checkout lane I randomly grabbed some Slim Jims because I thought "OOOOOH, protein! Perfect snack!" The only thing weird about it was I didn't need them and knew I wouldn't eat them for days. As I left and was sitting at a light there was a man standing with a sign, he was homeless, he was small, and looked pitiful. I rolled my window down and asked him "Do you want some water?" He perked up and excitedly said "Yes!" He dodged around other cars running to my mine and as I gave him the extra water and beef jerky he looked as if he was going to cry. Never doubt what your essence tells you, never question why you do certain things. It's a gift to listen to what our higher power tells us.

Random quotes from the week:

"To live a pure unselfish life, one must count nothing as one's own in the midst of abundance."

I looked up the definition of accountability this week and was led to say:
I'm encouraged, excited, and empowered to know that I don't have anyone to blame for where I am in life. I stand on my own two feet. At the end of the day I am accountable for my own actions that were made. I embrace the mistakes I made, I fully understand that I have to take responsibility for my responses to the circumstances that surround me. I choose to learn from my failures and celebrate in the goals I have achieved. Focusing on what I really want, and insuring my life is not taken for granted. Pursuing every minute as if it is my last. Today, and every day, I hold myself accountable to transform myself into the best version of me possible.

"If you're serious about changing your life, you'll find a way, if not, you'll find an excuse."

Why I take care of my body: physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, & financially....

"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies."
-1 Corinthians 6:19

Day 9

Yesterday, was day 9 of my 30 day live/love like there is no tomorrow. It was a pretty chill day, me and the kids enjoyed the beach. They surfed and played in the sand, I read a book, we skateboarded, I was tired...
At the end of the night my 14 year old, Andrew, saw my weak eyes. I asked him to bring me my nightly supplements, he did, then he continued to bring me water and my contact case. I was in awe of his service, the kindness he was extending. I asked him "why are you being so kind to me?" His answer was "You tell me all the time to lead by example."
God ushers us beside still waters, he leads us to peace, his love flows beyond the throne. It can't be taken back, the wonders of his grace are sufficiently deeper than the sea. If anyone can love us, its our creator. His kingdom is our freedom, I can't help but long to know Him more and more. When others show me kindness, I don't question why God loves me, I just know He does. I experience emotions such as acceptance and love. Like a child that is comforted with a hug or kiss after having fallen down and scraped their knee.
Kindness, in the Bible, is described as a fruit of the Spirit. Fruit doesn't just appear, the seed is first planted in good soil, watered, nourished by the sun, slowly grows up against the wind, as well as face circumstances such as storms and hard rain. It takes time to fully develop into a juicy, ripe fruit. If picked too early, it taste bitter. Kindness works the same, it is a fruit of our spirit that needs to mature over time. It doesn't just happen. It has to be practiced, fed, nourished, and established through trials of life. I find I have to soak in God's love to understand kindness, in order for me to extend it I must seek it.
The most influential people in my life have been those that are kind. Besides my earthly father, a few that stand out having impacted my heart with beautiful kindness are Alice Prosser Johnson(my sixth grade teacher), Christy Lynch, Jennie and Brian Edwards. They took me in, as I was, and shared kindness. They were fruitful, their kindness was patient and full of a caring heart. Thank you friends for teaching me how priceless kindness is.

Back to Andrew, my middle son, who doesn't like his picture taken or being recognized. He can be so kind, so sweet, and a wonderful brother that any sibling could ask for. He constantly reminds me of my dad, it makes me feel incredibly honored to be called his mother. He has flaws(like all of us), but that is not what I want to focus on. I want to uplift him and encourage him of what he is doing right, as well as correct him using kindness as my foundation. Maybe, one day, he will do the same for his children and plant a seed of kindness like he did this week.

"Maybe our small acts of kindness will be the most significant legacy we leave behind." -Perry Noble

Day 7 & 8

As of this very second I am blasting Carly Simon, classic 1970s artist, through my headphones watching the waves crash onto the shore. I was up at 5:30 getting ready to make the 6am yoga class, which was amazing as always, thank you Dawn(most beautiful yoga instructor ever). Today, I woke up grateful that I have the opportunity to do some of my favorite things this week. Waking up to the ocean, being with my children, doing yoga at my most cherished studio, and having a few minutes to write. I'm in my hapi place. If tears are filling my eyes, they are tears of a full heart. I know what I want most in life when I'm in my hapi place.
Psalm 100 begins with: "Shout for joy to the Lord all the earth." And it ends with: "For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations." JOY, SHOUT for JOY! The earth is already rejoicing, every day it gives a huge round of applause to its creator. The sun rises, the wind moves, the trees reach up towards the sky, the grass and flowers flourish, and the birds of the air sing. As I take notice of the water glistening and washing over the sand, it soothes my body and I am more aware of how peace is ever present, that love truly exist through out the earth. I believe that love is real and nothing can separate us from it. I've watched people in love, how sweet they can be towards each other and how they have each other to hold during hard times. My parents loved each other dearly, my dad was head over heels in love with my momma. He showed me that God is real through his example. God is love and like a blanket his love covers us, making us feel warm and protected....like little kids under the sheets at night imagining the covers will protect us from any danger existing outside of them. My safe and hapi place has grown beyond the sheets, the covers, the blanket, whatever fort or shelter I produced as a child. I have grown to understand His love endures forever and has no boundaries, wherever I go, whatever I do, I have love. From the generations before me and the ones to come, love surpasses them all.

From treetop ropes courses to walks on the beach, swimming pools to ferris wheels, people watching to bird watching, I am content. I am learning that every second is to be taken as it is, present, aware, and grateful to experience it. I love you Lord, I'm ready.

Day 5 & 6.....

Sunday was Easter, I kept it classic and made baskets for the kids. Bubbles, candy, and elastic stretchy bunnies for everyone! I was the first to wake, it was overcast but, waking up to the ocean was still one of the best feelings in the world. We went to church and it was so packed, even though we were early, we had to sit in the overflow room. It rained all day, so we went to a local hotel pool and swam, made grilled cheese sandwiches with soup, and got some yummy hot chocolate at a nearby Starbucks. It might of been raining, yet it was a beautiful day because I was with my favorite people in the world. I am one blessed momma. I choose happiness; it is a choice you know, happiness. Suffering is also a choice, we can choose to live in heaven or live in hell....no matter where we are.

The day after Easter might of been a regular Monday for most, but I started it with yoga. The small studio was packed at 6 am. I felt love as I entered, the vibrations were strong from the surrounding yogis. Non-judgement was real, no conditions. Every time I go to class at Shanti, I remember why I fell in love with yoga in the first place. It's a communion of love, self love, and a selfless love that shows us how to embrace others. The rest of the day was so amazing out! The sun was shining, the sand was warm, and the view took my breath away. Every wave that crashed expanding over the sand was a direct reflection of my heart growing radiantly over my body. This is what the beauty of the sea does to me, fills me up with an endless supply of perception. It is why it is the only love I have ever experienced besides the agape love I have with my children.

By the end of the day I realized how amazingly content I am, sharing this post with my FB friends:

I've struggled my whole life with body image, today my kids, their friends & I were laughing. One was snap-chatting me, I used to care what the outcome of the picture looked like. Today, I was in my zone, my Hapi place, so I didn't care what the outcome was. I was just Hapi, my heart was content, being by the ocean with my favorite people in the world. This picture captures that. It also reminds me of my dad & sister, how we all laugh, how we are family. I love this picture because it's me in a moment of pure giddiness, joy is real and I want to live there.

Day 4

Saturday could not have started off better! My 14 year old woke to tell me he was joining me at the gym! My heart fluttered and skipped. We laughed, as he realized his 40 year old mother was showing him up, and I was more than grateful to show him how to properly work out. Then we ran some errands, hit the grocery store, and packed for our vaca to the beach. THE BEACH, THE OCEAN, its my forever sanctuary. The water calls to me, it makes me feel everything at once. I can not get enough of it! I love the seaside and how I feel when I'm listening to the waves laying on the sand with my feet bare, hair down, and the sun warming my entire body. I'm so proud to call my children my own. There is no place I would rather be than here with my loves.