Skeptical

At times, I fear that I have become skeptical of anything good happening to me. That I will never feel happiness or fulfillment in the form of exceptional health(quality of life), marriage, or sense complete peace with my job and financial status(providing for my family). Let's get real, I'm not the only one that questions this. As I struggle to be the best parent that I can be, I fail miserably in many concoctions. Then, if and when things are going too smoothly, I'm thinking in the back of my mind: "Okay, when is the big piano going to fall out of the sky and squash me?" Just like the old school cartoons!
I'm hesitant to celebrate, doubting the stars to shine in my favor. Yet, I know Jesus was not cynical or leery. This fabrication I've created in my psyche that nothing will remain positive, or be careful to not come across too exultant because at any minute the boogie man will run out to give you your death sentence, is an absolute a deception. Jesus was devoted to reconcile us to God. He was without doubt, assuring us that He was the way, the truth and the light. Nothing else should matter then, right? My flesh should not be of concern, concluding that there is some remedy for my need to rectify the decisions I've made. Acting out, postulating this is how it is. Pondering how you HAVE to go through hell because that is what this life is all about, gaining understanding so that we might desire heaven! No, flippin NO! That is not how God works. He is here with us NOW! God is bigger than my head, more enormous than any one's thoughts, vast beyond comprehension! We have no clue how amazing His love is! He adores when I'm flourishing, when we feel on top of the world. He aspires for us to see the obstacles in our lives and know they can be removed. He does scoop us up, if we allow him to, when we fall back and listen to that stinkin thinkin. Only to catch us and remind us, the best is yet to come. Don't settle for, or become to close of friends with, pessimism.

i don't feel so well

I don't feel so well at the moment. I am queasy and my head hurts. It could be that I am up at 2:30 in the morning and I need to get my butt into bed or it might just be that I ate too much ice cream. Actually, I smashed my face into the slide, while playing with my kids, at the playground this weekend. As if it was supposed to be synchronized for that exact moment, my son Andrew fell off the bars face first. There we were: both laying on our backs moaning from the pain asking if blood was pouring or dripping from our marks as my oldest son(Luke) says; "Whoa, I wish I could have recorded that! You should have seen your faces, you ate dirt at the SAME, EXACT TIME! That needs to be on America's Funniest Home Videos! We could be sooo rich!" Ha, I couldn't help but giggle through the throbbing aches. My children have humor, that gives me prospect.
Now(a day later), not only is my face too tender to touch, there is a perturbation that drifts in my existence. This disorder that disrupts and confuses me, frustrates the hell out of every strand of my being. I am fighting to descry the absolute positive, yet end up completely exhausted. What I am thankful for- is to feel this way, because the best of us fall down sometimes. We collide and suffer from the choices we have made. There were some crippling words exchanged with someone close to me today and I shed many tears not understanding this regrettable conversation. I fell, or shall I say I ran straight into a storm. Afterwards I stood in shock, in disbelief. This person has always communicated with me this way because I've allowed it. We were toxic towards each other and nothing was untangled, we left it as it was(a big pile of *fit your own word here*). I didn't use the humor that is embedded within me. I don't feel so well, because I can be better, I can do more, I can look for the silver lining, I can pass on an ardor worth sharing. Bringing light to a dialogue and not more headaches.

I feel

I would rather feel something than nothing: to feel terrible lets me appreciate the wonderful, seeing the worst helps me stand in awe of the beauty. To taste the poorest gives purpose to the most delicate of dishes, sweet aromas re-fuel the memories of our most treasured moments. Receiving comfort in the form of a joyful noise, brings us to adore the music made throughout this journey. Breathing life, not death...through our actions, our words and our thoughts restores the human soul.

I de-activated my facebook account

The coolest thing about facebook(FB) is that you are never alone. If your bored -post something and watch to see if anyone comments, if your having trouble sleeping -stalk your friends walls, if your seeking a relationship -send a message to your high school sweetheart or crush, if you need to procrastinate -gaze upon the thousands of photos that are posted by your friends. Basically, FB is a temple where you can go to step out of reality, get away from your stress, build yourself up, a web world where you can play games, seek ideas of what life is in theory by hundreds of people that you somewhat know. It can be used as a substance that will distract you from the finer things in life. My hypothesis is: we as the human race can, and choose to, be addicted to ANYTHING. We enthrall ourselves in hiding. We hide behind our clothes, our make-up, our jobs, our FB status, our fitness level, our food, our televisions, our alcohol, our drugs, our marriage, our school work, our every day addictions.
I recently de-activated my FB account, I'm sure it didn't offend anyone or my friends didn't take notice because of the endless activity that you can maneuver in the FB world. Yet, I encountered insignificance and it was great! I welcomed self, I embraced awareness. It was substantial to my spirit to know I was running from one thing to another and not gathering my thoughts. Being distracted with obstacles, entertaining myself and forgetting about my purpose, my goals. I necessitated a time to be alone, a period in my life where I felt as if I was at a stand still. I honestly believe I heard a voice saying, "God wants you, Kara. Be alone with Him." Me? There are billions of people on this earth, and God desires me? A scanty, petty, anthropoid that gets on some peoples nerves with my hyperactive energy, really? I admit it, I'm a spaz that likes to experience fun in life. But, I am complex and have multifarious faults. Half the time, that is all I recognize....my indiscretions. No matter, He...the most high, is waiting for me. To just be with Him and be still. His love is unending and His grace overwhelms my soul.
So, for a season, I am resting in just living in the moment. Away from FB, the phone, the t.v., the stores, the music, the objects that keep me tangled from enjoying life! The twinkles in our existence such as: watching the yellow butterflies that appear in September, the laughter and hugs I share with my children, the constant challenges I face as a parent and discovering new ways to maintain a positive outlook, the joy in knowing someone loves me unconditionally!
I may activate my FB account again, yet only to share this very post. Peace out...breathe life, speak truth, love more.

Selfish love

You can love and do so with every fiber of your being, yet to experience that same love reciprocated is another matter of its own. I watch people loving in theory by walking it out through their actions and emotions, yet I question is it real or just another beautiful performance? There are those of us that love unconditionally throughout our whole lives, always allowing others to be first....using kindness and compassion, coming across as self-less. Then for a brief moment, we take notice of ourselves, reaching to take care of self, attempting to enjoy self. What occurs next? Ridicule, accusations, brokenness. Others that have shame riding on their shoulders, bitterness in their brow and jealousy in their jaw shun us. We took notice for a period in time to gain knowledge of who we are, how to let the self express its awareness and focus on the hope of regaining energy, strength, or endurance so that we could somewhat provide our compassion. Comprehending that hope is what we long awaited for, living a sacrificial life. Pursuing the only one that can heal and provide for us, giving us EVERY need. Desiring an utopia, a destination that feels secure, a home like no other. God is with us, whether we choose to believe or not.

Can I even do this?

I can't really express what I truly want to say. If I did many would be of grave concern. I want to breathe, yet through the tears I am stumbling to. It is intensely hard to live and live fully when you are searching for light and hope. There will always be someone acting vindictive towards you or pushing you away as if you are used toilet paper. Life is not easy! Life is HARD and if it wasn't it wouldn't be worth living. My father fought to the very end of his life, he fought to breathe, he fought to smile, he fought to live and live as joy to all he met. He did not boast of his troubles to everyone around him. He shared by listening and doing.
I am tired, I feel so useless, yet I see my children and something buoys me to press on. I love them deeply and desire for them to see the very essence of God. The thing is, you might not find God in a church or places where people go searching for him. We find him in the heart of the broken, in the lives of those that have lost everything and surrender, having discovered his undeniable grace.
I will NOT share the pain I've been through or the rough times I plow through, because in those moments I would cry out for God: to heal me, to save me, to let me know that everything was going to be okay, that I would survive, that I wouldn't be alone, that I would be comforted.
We will face trials throughout our lives, I do not know how it will all panel out.....I just know that even with a dying sentence my father pressed on. I know people that have been through hell(physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually), it's a mystery to me at times how they cope. Here's the thing, when we suffer, he suffers. When our hearts ache, he is right there aching with us. I don't always understand why, but Abba loves us unconditionally -no matter what. I just know that I need that.
That's what my dad knew too. He knew people needed to see and feel God, so he listened and gave what he could through his time, through his work, through his obedience to God by listening to others and genuinely caring. Can I do this? Can I even attempt to pick myself off the floor, from my self-pity and selfish puddle of tears? I HAVE to, this life is worth it. My children deserve to know the truth. That love exists.

Why I love to surf

Yes, that is what I wrote, why I love to SURF. This past weekend I was blessed with the opportunity to learn how to surf. I woke up when the tide came in approximately around 5:45am. I did not have much sleep from the night before so I was literally pulled out of bed. When we arrived on the beach it was light out yet the sun was nowhere to be seen, the dark clouds were in the way. I imagined the water to be cool, yet it was perfect. My friend took off running into the ocean with their board, jumping onto it and paddling out into the water. I felt half asleep as I attempted to wrap the band around my ankle. I skipped over to the waves crashing onto the shore and realized I was finally doing it, I was going to accomplish another task off of my 'To Do' list. Number 13, on this list that I created when I was 20 years old, meant more to me than just marking off another goal. It hit me hard from the gulp in the back of my throat to the pounding in my chest. The very reason #13 was in my life expectations of goals to accomplished before I die was due to my dad. He surfed when he was younger, I cherished the stories he told me of riding the waves, the jelly fish stings, and how he and his twin brother shared a board because they only had one. He motivated me to one day try this en captivating sport.
So, there I was, a young-looking 34 year old woman staring out at the ocean ready to ride a fierce form of creation. I was ready, I thought to myself: "If my dad did it, so can I!" It was as if he was there, telling me to "Go for it!"
I ran in, hopped on, paddled out, caught glimpse of a wave forming, swam with it, pushed myself up and fell....then I did it all over again. Hit my head, hit my ribs, got back up, got knocked down again by the beastly crash of the water. Then it occurred, on the third try, as I jumped up onto the board: I had balance, I had strength, I was doing it, I WAS SURFING!!!
It felt amazing, to be guided on something so uncontrollable and so free, that at any moment it could throw you off or you could lose focus and slip. I continued to ride the waves throughout the next hour and a half. The sun came up from the outskirts of the waters horizon as the clouds moved. It was brilliant, God was there, creation was sharing its incomparable peace. Dolphins were jumping in the distance and the sound of the ocean was washing over my heart, restoring me. Yes, I will return to the water, this is why I love to surf. When I sleep - I dream of this, when I wake - I long for this. My God gives peace like these waters and He beckons my soul.

Tinkerbell

Tinkerbell(my daughter Eve)'s birthday was this Saturday. She is my little lion, her sign: Leo. I cherish how she plays with her dolls as if they are real, crawls in my bed when she gets scared, makes up songs about where we are going in the car, orders her three older brothers around, plays with my hair and tells me she loves me at least three times a day. It is quite amusing how my children do certain things to keep my heart feeling fluttered with joy. I am still amazed that I'm a mother and have the opportunity to experience such satisfaction. There is nothing on this earth that can describe the gratitude of a mother's heart. Don't get me wrong and think how cheesy I may be coming across.......my kids misbehave and I am very humbled at times when we take that awful trip to the grocery store. For goodness sakes, I have three boys- that should be enough said. They fight, they call names, they struggle sharing, and they are mine. At the end of the day they always ask: "Where is my hug and kiss, Momma?" Nothing can replace those tiny voices requesting for love and nothing can stop me from freely dispensing it.
My baby girl turned four and was so excited about it. She could hardly wait for her guest to arrive. She explained how all of us would be wearing a tiara, Seth objected after I explained what a tiara was. Eventually, everyone showed up. As the children sat at the table, my lovely friends and family were my aid to host the most adorable tea party in honor of Tinkerbell. Little teacups served with apple juice or hot tea, butter crackers and cookies, fruit and veggies with dip, and yummy birthday cake, it was a young girls delightful event. It was my little girl's day and I was so proud of her. Tinkerbell reminds Peter Pan(me) and the lost boys(her brothers) that you need pixie dust to fly; that there is plenty of time to grow up, so use your time wisely being in the moment- that you can take notice of all the small things in life that keep your heart pure. To sit and have tea, to enjoy the company you are with, to sing when you feel like singing, to never stop telling the ones that are closest to you how much you love them. Thank you Tink, the lost boys and I enjoy the pixie dust you sprinkle in our house and all around.

Picture Perfect

I thoroughly enjoy watching people. I could sit/stand in a mall, parking lot, or an airport all day long just staring at people. I guess its natural, we are designed to examine each other. When I’m observing mere mortals amongst the paths I cross, I become fascinated with the characters they portray. As if judging them on their looks or the way they carry themselves is going to tell me anything. This will scratch the surface, entertaining the shallow end of life. One can have a demeanor that gives me a tiny clue to what is occurring at that moment. Their countenance may speak volumes and their personality may be quite charming(or not), yet what is the depth of their identity? How can I recognize what lies beneath? Am I attempting to gaze past appearance and search out ones soul, and if I did, will I remove a covering that I didn't realize was there. Will it bring into light someone I can relate to? If I explore his/her authenticity, will I learn of compassion and not so much self absorption? To conceive some obnoxious idea that I understand where someone is coming from is absolutely absurd. Yet, judging another by their actions is even more preposterous! Fact; I haven’t walked in their shoes, I haven’t experienced their pain, and I don’t know what they have been forgiven of.
I can only master my response, which is determined to be one of peace.
There is no perfect human because all are flawed. Every single one of us has something that shines upon our imperfections. If we strive for picture perfect, all we will find is misery. So, should we embrace one another in honesty by saying: show me your pain, your damaged goods; to discover God within us, telling us: “I will show you the way, the way to be free.“ Free from bondage, suffering, facades, anything and everything holding us back from our fullest potential. He is our picture of perfection- that gave his only son as a sacrifice, that we might LIVE, and live abundantly! I adore people watching, what more fun is there than to see His glory, His workmanship!

A year without you.......

It has been a whole year without you, daddy. I didn't cry today, until now - when I finally had a moment to myself. I know people have been thinking of me - I felt it, thank you to those who sent beautiful thoughts my way. This past year has been difficult, I miss you more than my emotions can express. The life you lived inspired and encouraged me. Without you, I've struggled to find my own way. Now and from this moment on, I will choose to live and love fully, so that my children may experience your acceptance. Your heart will live on, the love and peace you gave so freely. I love you daddy and you will be forever remembered. I'm not letting go of you, your within my heart and I will see you shortly(yet seems like a lifetime for me). Earth is only the beginning of our journey.