Sick children

Yes, there comes a time when we get sick and it is quite the nightmare. I just realized I haven't eaten much today....should I eat or if I eat will it be coming right back up in an hour? Between cleaning and comforting children that are vomiting all over -floor, sheets, pillows, and themselves, I want to be soaked in some sort of sanitizer.

Just give me Jesus

All I can think of lately is how I am in need of better company. I am not saying the people I hang out with are bad, actually I don't hang out with anyone much. I just know that my influence is not one that I am proud of. I desire to be light and not a hindrance. I want to look at nature and be inspired by the Almighty. Share His love, His compassion. I feel as if I have lost something important along the way. I just want someone to say here, here He is.

Today

Today, I actually got a massage. Then, I gave two massages. Finally, I decided to face something really scary.....ME. I talked to someone, and as I was confronting my fears of losing my daddy...I realized the difference of physical, emotional and logical thinking. Emotion is not something you can slowly change by adding a fruit or vegetable in to your diet. It is the hardest choice you have to make by separating yourself in your mind LOGICALLY. We, as the human race make decisions all day long. Do we realize how the decisions we make are based from what we have been through, what we grew up in and what is embedded in us? What comes natural to us? What happens when we are pushed from every angle and need?

What now?

The last time my father had surgery, about 2 and a half years ago, I let go of keeping my house clean. I used to be a huge neat freak! That was stupid, LOL. Lately, I find it challenging to sleep and go to work. This is on the other end of the spectrum stupid, because I need to help provide food and shelter for my family. Unfortunately, I am very honest. Not very good at hiding my feelings. When I arrive at work....I can't walk 2 seconds without someone asking. Asking about dad. I wonder how I can be everything I am qualified to be with this mega stress on my shoulders? My sister told me the other day how this was going to be a bad year. Yet, I can't help but see things differently. I expect the best! I keep imagining this year to be great. I want this year to be one like no other. I grab onto my carefree spirit and desire with everything that is within me to see through HIS eyes. To watch the GLORY of our Lord fall/shower over us. If I ponder and hold onto this incredible sorrow of looking through the world's spectacles, then yes- it will be a devastating year. All I will be capable of doing is weeping. My daddy is here now, let me enjoy each priceless moment with him.... if only a year. I MUST treasure what is worthy of being stored up for heaven. Let me gather my children under my wings and watch the beauty of God's promises flourish through these times of countless tears. I envision LAUGHTER, FUN, JOY, SMILES, MOMENTS YOU DON'T WANT TO PASS. I CAN live like today is my last and love as if it is ALL I have ever known!

My Daddy

My dad has been in the hospital for the past week. He had a seizure in the shower last Monday night and we are praying that he will have surgery tomorrow. It all depends on his platelet count. I'm scared, I'm sad, I'm lost. I LOVE my dad and hate seeing him go through this. He has glieoblastoma, which is an ugly, aggressive brain tumor that leaves its prey with only a year or 2 of life. I have read a couple of rare stories of survivors...10 years! I am hoping my father turns out to be one of these successes. I don't know if I am being selfish: desiring for him to see his grandchildren graduate from high school. All I can do is cry and pray. My dad has always influenced me, and the people he worked with and pretty much has been an example of LOVE....of God. He amazes me with how much he has put up with over the years and how he encourages people I don't even know.
We were sitting in the hospital room the other day and a old buddy from his work came by to let him know he was thinking about him. Then he went on to explain how strong my father is and how he is such an example of Christ. We learned this man became a Gideon, he helps raise money to create Bibles and distributes them throughout the world. He even hands them out at the local schools where he lives (and YES, he lives in the United States). To think that ONE individual(in this case -my dad) through a friendship can inspire someone to know Christ in such a way they impact millions. So, it is true that one person has the power to make a difference and change the world. Although, we might not see the benefits of our labor, we can rest assured that God is orchastrating our lives.

Before I left, my daddy said "Your beautiful." Yet, all I kept thinking about was HOW beautiful he is and how he allows God to use him. My dad, without knowing, helped to unveil my eyes to see the beauty and glory of our Lord.

My head hurts

I am sitting here crying, feeling a bit of a basket case. I am overwhelmed with life and the challenges I sometimes face. We all pick our paths and take a detour or two, wishing for the best. Yet, one thing remains constant, one thing keeps me hoping......God. His love is so thick and full of mercy. It amazes me how His love for me keeps on. I am so undeserving, I am selfish, I know my cracks out number my shiny parts.....yet WHY does He love us so much that he provides, guides and covers us with His LOVE? Looking up and seeing only a storm of confusion.......I crumble onto the ground wanting to see Him, not the mess I created. Like a child dumping all her toys out of a box, I dump my thoughts, my dreams, my life.......to simply be free of anything that keeps me from Him and His love.

Short Term Goals:
Go to Disney World
Eat more fresh food
Start an on-line school for Nutrition
Love is slow to anger...........be love!!!!

Long Term Goals:
Be debt free
Publish a book of my writings
Go through theology school at church
Start Advocate program (that offers proper nutrition and exercise for kids in school)

Things I think I want to do, yet still contemplating:
Clean my house
Home-school my kids
Watch football with excitement
Jump out of a plane with a parachute on

Soooo good

I was on my way to work Friday and looked up:

"I see the beauty of the sky, knowing how you cause the clear blue decorated with lines of puffed dreams streaming across the horizon, I feel my heart lifting, overwhelmed with love. Witnessing the birds flying in perfect formation as an amazing, un-captured picture, I cry with joy accepting this unspeakable emotion. Lord, thank you, your love for me leaves me in wonder of HOW such a Saviour as thee embraces a ruthless sinner like myself. You are my only truth, my ONLY source of peace. My steady hope that keeps me through every venture of this journey."

I visited a friend's church, where they are helping to start up in town, this past Sunday morning and I was encouraged. During worship there was this really cool song that just said it like it is. It literally had the words...."like a big sloppy wet kiss". It made me all giggly inside and it was like Jesus was right there. People weren't going crazy, hardly anyone was even lifting up their arms...they were just singing intimate words to their Savior. A rush of peace and strength poured over me and I it was like God was assuring me that my weaknesses as a mother and a wife could be changed. My ugly garments of impatience, poverty, pride, pessimistic spirit and selfishness were throwing me all over the place. Yet, at that moment- Jesus washed me in purity, gathered me up in His spirit of love and it was as if the room was full of GRACE and MERCY. Every single child of the King was in His presence. We were still and He was with us.

I don't mean to scare anybody. I just can't help but want to feel that way 24/7. My God is EVERYTHING to me.
There are times when I realize I'm yelling at my kids because 20 million things are going on in one moment and all 4 of them are demanding my attention....it is SO easy to lose it. To just scream, "QUIET!" (or worse). Then I don't feel anything, but ugly. So, when I shut myself in a room and weep because I am not there yet.....the perfect mom, the best wife (which I have come to believe DOES NOT EXIST).....I'm not in the place where I need to be -in God's grip. I open my eyes and refresh my mind back to worship. Letting my heart yearn for Him, recalling Him, desiring Him, because I'm imperfect and He is SOOOOOO GOOD! He knows me, inside out, outside in! He squeezes me and plants a BIG wet sloppy kiss on my forehead. He LOVES me and that makes me want to love my kids like He loves me. He loves me the way I need to love my husband! It is worth everything to KNOW such a creator as ours.

Refreshments

I totally just cut and pasted this blog! Thanks Erika! The thing is I only follow 8 blogs...my bad. If I followed more I would never know who my husband was or where he was for that matter, hehehehehehe! So, I was a radical and went against the rules.

My sweet friend, Erika, passed a Lemonade Award on to me. So, I wanted to share in the refreshment. If you check out these following blogs you will certainly find humor, transparency, encouragement and definitely refreshment! And if I nominated you, please join the fun by following these rules
Rules:
1. You must link back to the person you received the award from.
2. You have to nominate 10 bloggers who show great attitude and/or gratitude.

1. Adventures in Adopting
2. Green Kiddos...Growing natural kids
3. Is There Anybody Out There?
4. Living not striving...
5. Our Love Affair ... and Adventures in Edwards-ville
6. resolved2worship's Xanga
7. Team Ginfrida
8. http://tonyabobonya.blogspot.com/

She Loves Me

My daughter, Eve, loves me. I can attempt to explain the way she runs to me when I pick her up from being looked after or how she says “mommy, mommy, mommy” until I place her in my arms. Yet, words in no way match the priceless feelings of love that I experience. I adore the precious night cuddles that I receive after a long day of work…..she knows exactly what I need. She crawls into my lap begging me to finally slow down and relax. All she wants me to do is just sit with her and maybe sing a song or two. If only we, as children of God, would see our heavenly Father the same as our children see us as parents. How crazy would it be, if we ran to Him with excitement when we see Him coming and taking the time to be with us? How comforting is it to know that when we say his name only once that He is already there picking us up -ready to embrace. Every night He is waiting for us to climb into His lap and rest, hanging on to our every word and filling us with peace. Assuring us that we are loved and there is no greater joy.