Anxiety

The other day, my husband and children went for a short trip to Charlotte to visit his grandmother for her birthday. I had to stay behind and work. I was fine with that until they were in the van and about to pull out of the drive way. It might have been all the ER episodes that I recently watched, yet none the less my heart started to feel heavy and beat faster. Everything in me wanted to scream “Don’t go!” I felt anxious and nervous, the only precious gifts that are in my possession were leaving me for the day. I could not understand this feeling, they have traveled without me before. I was scared and tired, I didn’t want to be alone. I needed time to myself, even if it was just for a short evening after work. Yet, I like to feel in control of things….especially my children. This is when I realized: “of course I am not in control.” I am never in control, I like to think that I am (along with millions of other people). BUT(there’s always a but), the only one IN control is the Creator. I can lead my life how I choose and make decisions on what I feel will be best. When it comes to others….I do not control them. My children watch me, this is how I can INFLUENCE, yet not control. Could you imagine if we controlled people, we would be nothing but puppets(big corporations/capitalism, hehehehe)? The hardest choices in life are the ones we make ‘in the moment’….how we re-act to the circumstances in seconds of the action. Did I respond right, what have I done to influence the lives around me? The eyes I do not see or feel watching me, how have I inspired or polluted them? Am I painting life through a dirty window glass for them or am I giving them a chance to see the world through a clear, clean perspective? Anxious am I?
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” -Philippians 4:6-7

Angels Fall Down

There is a song called ‘Angels Fall Down‘ by a band known as Skillet, it is so powerful because of the intensity from the band’s heart to worship. I am in awe of my heavenly Father, not only when I hear this song but when I see my children sleeping peacefully, when I hear my youngest son say: “I love you mommy” and all I have done was to tell him to get in bed. God’s presence is so strong: when I witness a friend struggling to hold back their tears and try to hide away their pain, when I see a room full of people longing to be with Him, when I am incapable of crying out loud, when I am by myself -questioning how am I going to make it through to the next paycheck. Coming to a place: where I finally be still, and know my Lord is HERE.….right now! Always nudging me to do what is of His character and not my own stinky flesh. I need Him! I need His words of life, His love, His forgiveness, His timing, His vision, I need Him. At His glory, I fall shaken and afraid…..yet I am perfectly safe right here with HIM. There is no place I would rather be than with my Father. He clothes me when others tear away at my hand-made blankets of insecurity and shame. He picks me up and carries me when I’ve been pushed down and walked upon by anger and guilt. When I fall, I know that He is HERE. He catches me, He shelters me, He wraps me into His ever strong arms, He pours his mercy over me like a waterfall. Thank you Lord! Thank you Lord! Thank you Lord! I can not see through this current fog, but I will trust YOU. As long I can see your cross in my mind, hear your word in my heart, smell your victory through the ashes, taste prayer after prayer in my mouth and feel your hope in my entire being……I will NOT lose sight of the things to come. You and only YOU understand the fog. You know that I will conquer this life because I simply trust. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be on this Earth, yet You are HERE. Now and forever! Let me fall more in love with YOU! Then and only then will I soar.

Do you see what I see? Do you see what I see?

I love that song….”Do you hear what I hear, do you hear what I hear, a song, a song…” It repeats lines throughout it. It’s a funny thing how my children tend to do the same thing throughout their lives. It’s like lather, rinse, repeat. Except the only repeating that my children are doing are the words and actions of my husband and I. So, tonight when I was driving down the road and my oldest child starts yelling out “think green”, I was bewildered for a brief second. Then it came to me that I taught him this. He was encouraging(and ended up being quite successful) his brothers and sister to say “green, green, green”. He was directing this towards the traffic lights……I once told him (when I was running late for work) that we needed to think green, so the lights would change and we would not get stuck at any red lights. I reminded him that what we concentrate on- we bring forth, what we put out there- we get right back. My thinking out loud and ideas of what I believe are an instant pattern stitched into my children. They will repeat soooooo many things…good and bad. Sometimes, I can not help but laugh at what they repeat. It also makes me very conscious of what I am saying and doing 24/7.
Here are a few of my favorite repeated words from my kids:
“N-O, NO!”,
“Inhale, exhale- breathe.”,
“Who, who, who, who, who, who let the dogs out?”,
“Sometimes, people don’t know that they are mean.”,
“Bear with one another in love.”,
“Too much candy will make you sick”,
“Can you touch your nose with your tongue?”,
“This goes in the recycle bin.”,
“What’cha know bout me, what’cha, what’cha know bout me”,
“Don’t get it unless you have cash for it”,
and (of course, the best is always saved for last) “I love you”.

Why?

I do ask “why” sometimes. Why do I have to learn some things more than once? Why do I struggle to see the good in some and not so much in others? Why do I not have the man power to change what simply needs changing? Why? Why are people struggling and it seems that only 2 or 3 people notice? Why can’t we all just get along? Why can I not be a better mom? Why does it hurt so much? Why do we let things get so bad?
Why? WHY does he have to go? So soon? Why can’t he stay for awhile longer and I cherish each precious moment? What will become of this?
The only one who can truly comfort is the only one who can answer. The only one who sees the tears is the only one who can dry them.
I seek peace, I seek justice, I seek things that are nowhere on THIS earth to be found. My heart is heavy and hurts to try to understand, yet somehow words find me. “I am the way, the truth, and the light.” “Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast.”
If the pain is not ours to bear, then why do we try to take it upon ourselves? Letting go, and letting God -is when we stop on the tracks of suffering and pain, and realize how we need to sit at the table of grace and hope to literally find JOY.
This too shall pass and I will see him again, because he is in a place where there is peace and justice.