Beautiful creatures

I lay here in awe of the beautiful creatures that flock to my bed at night. The beauty that radiates from their face and heart.

My application paragraph for a writing mentorship.....

Honestly, I am at a stand still and don't know wtf I want to do anymore. Elephant Journal keeps coming up through various outlets, I've had 3 or more friends mention it and pondered upon it earlier this year. I'm a 41 year old single mother of 4 and have self published a book titled '30 Thoughts from a Christian Yogi', as well as illustrated and written 2 children's books that are a part of a series called 'The Little Yogi'. 'The Little Yogi' series was created to give children the tools they need to cope and heal/conquer any trauma they have experienced. My life lessons of learning non-attachment have occurred through, yet not limited to: missions work around the globe in my youth, losing my father(aka, best friend) to a glioblastoma brain tumor in 2009, divorce, losing a 5 year custody battle, waking up from childhood amnesia to the brutal truth of being molested by my grandfather, homelessness, meditation, and yoga. I'm not ashamed, nor proud of my life, I just want to serve. Through writing this "short and sweet" explanation I do know why I am applying....I want to share my story, so others will know they are not alone. Writing is where I feel most comfortable and permitted to breath easy. My voice shares how passion is our birthright, it stirs to the depths of our souls. Displaying splendor that has been masked for far too long. This physical world is temporary, the essence that creates every individual is worthy of love. The way I see it, if we listen more, to the core of self and each other, progress and growth will be inevitable. We must say “Shhhh” to the noise and embrace the real reason we are here. May we all heal, so that we may all fully live.

I'm ADHD and I know it....

Hi, my name is Kara and I'm ADHD.

I'm like seriously, can I just put this out there? I have NO friggin clue how to contain myself or train myself for that matter. One minute I'm teaching yoga and the next I'm tempted to write a script for a stand up comedy sketch based off my life experiences, especially lately with my attempts to try to have a dating life. Dating in your 40s is NO joke, almost like the thrill you get paying your child support. I'm over here massaging a client complaining about their marriage and giving my expert advice yet, wondering myself how the heck did I end up so lucky? Being single is lucky right? I really don't know what to do with my life. I've tried praying, meditating, pet sitting, complaining, chanting, yet to be honest, writing makes me feel the most accomplished. I think about writing and ideas all throughout the day. Scenarios to stories I make up in my head bounce around until I see something shiny, just kidding, not really. I create YouTube videos, sing mantras, dance in my undies, build furniture, write and illustrate children's books, look into ways to raise awareness against child molestation, teach 10 classes per week, AND STILL CAN'T FOCUS! I forget to fill up my gas tank, wear the same outfit a few days in a row, avoid cleaning anything, listen to the music my parents played as I was growing up, go on social media waaaaaay too much, double dip, and yeah, I eat non-stop if food is put in front of me.

Like I stated in the beginning:

I'm Kara and I have a gift......

ADHD.

Hitting the Lottery....well, mentally

When you work your ass off to pay rent and bills then the test happens of not just one flat tire but, TWO! Ok miracles....I’m trusting, tired, yet trusting. What lessons have uncontrollable moments brought you in life? These moments allow us to notice if we are letting our emotions react. Wether we like it or not, it makes us who we are. I’ve experienced (like most of us) moments of loss and pain that have made me who i am today. I’m grateful for these lessons because it has kept me in tune with compassion. It has made me more aware that I’m not in control of anything except how i react, and how to make the most of any situation....especially finding joy through humor. There is always a solution. 

What’s deep within always manifest, it will either: physically, mentally, spiritually, financially, or socially. What is coming forth, revealing your true nature? Even what seems like the darkest of souls was created in God’s image. Knowing this reminds me how trauma or programmed behavior from years on this earth gives permission for us to love deeper. We live by these things called emotions and feeling, if we were to live by reasoning and logic, we would never accomplish anything worth while. Passion is our birthright, it stirs to the depths of our souls. Displaying splendor that has been masked for far too long. This physical world is temporary, the essence that creates every individual is worthy of love. The way i see it, if we listen more, to the core of self and each other, progress and growth will be inevitable. We must say “Shhhh” to the noise and embrace the real reason we are here. Heal, so that we may fully live.

New blog description.....

As I prepare to launch the Ladybug project next week, I've been changing and updating all my sites online. The Ladybug project will raise awareness towards child molestation. Here is the new description for this blog site, shoot me your thoughts:

Finding joy through suffering. Kara shares her perceptions from child molestation, abuse, death, divorce, parent alienation, homelessness, and how she found joy through the pain. Our old story may not have been by choice, yet our new one is! Author, single mother of 4, yogi that loves God, laughing gangsta, fitness fanatic, and inspirational speaker empowering victims to step into their FREEDOM!

Real Talk...

I'm in bed wearing a free shirt from a church I used to attend. I attempted to stand in front of the mirror naked for a second to do what a book I've been reading told me to do....tell myself, my body "thank you" and really mean it. I ended up crying. Do I even know why? No, I don't. Why must we be our own worst critic? I look at my body and see imperfections, I look at my life and nothing I've done is good enough. Does that mean no one is good enough for me or should I be honest and say what I really feel? That I'm not good enough. Maybe it's the fact that I'm on my period, or maybe I can blame myself for not working out over the past week....what I really want to ask is "Why are so many people miserable and hard on each other? Aren't some of life's circumstances hard enough we don't need to judge others and point out their mistakes? Can we just celebrate and learn to find ways to empower one another through the misunderstandings?" Most people don't make mistakes on purpose, we fall down like a toddler learning to walk. Yet, why are we so much harder on ourselves and others as adults?   I'm tired, most days I can lift and carry the load just enough until I'm ready to surrender. But right now, I just feel like laying here and letting the dirt hit my face til I'm buried deep and made one with the earth. Tomorrow will be different, I'll be bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready to proclaim my victory as if I've already conquered the fears of my past. For just this moment, I will lay here in my shattered glass house, feeling my blood run to the ground as if it was all for nothing.

A Mothers ❤️

After I drop my kids off my heart hurts so deeply I just want to escape. Run into hiding, I know this piece of me no one can soothe. It will never be comforted, there are no words, no substitutes that can replace the 4 parts of my heart that walk around outside my chest. Do you think that is how God feels about us when we make the decision to not have a relationship with him? To not speak or spend time with him? Because this pain is unbearable, it's like my insides have shattered and there is no medication that could ever ease such a crashing. Just for today world, I'm letting you know I am real and I bear my truth through these futile words. Any apology or sympathy is not welcome because this super strong woman of a hero has a kryptonite....and it destroys everything I've ever built.
Most will never know the depths of my love, the loyalty I possess, the heaviness I've taken on to relieve those I consider priceless to my entire being. I keep my distance knowing most cannot handle unconditional acceptance because it's too close to home. Not the temporary homes here on earth yet, our original home. It's the only place I look forward to, and I'll always be ready.

What you take from this is only a reflection of you(not me), so if it makes you sad...why are you really sad? If it disturbs you, what have you done?

Yes, this devastation angers me, I need time to process and live through it. Will I ever be able to open up to anyone again....who knows? All I understand right now is how broken I am. Yet, I know I'm not alone.

Every minute is full of purpose....

Today, was one of those days....you know when you are running from one place to another and time is of the essence. I rushed out of aerial class early to do a massage at a spa, when I arrived I was waiting at the door of the spa and couldn't believe the owner wasn't there yet. I was also wondering "WHERE are the clients?" I noticed the cleaning lady in front of one of the hotel rooms, I sparked up a conversation and she happened to be from Jamaica. I asked her if she had children, she did, a 2 and 6 year old. She then explained they were back home in Jamaica, 4 months out of the year she works in the states. FOUR MONTHS, I tried for my eyes to not get weary and full of tears. She asked me if I had children and then we both had to get back to work. I decided to leave since I hadn't heard from anyone and had another massage at another spa an hour later. When I got to my car I looked at my text, OMG, I WAS AT THE WRONG SPA! Two of the spas I help out at have owners with the same names! I totally fudged on that one, where I was really supposed to be was 2 miles away. I rushed over to the other spa and learned to put different labels for these ladies in my phone, so it won't happen again! I felt so bad about it until I just woke up at 3am understanding what really happened yesterday. The universe, God, (however you want to put it) allowed me to not take notice of the exact person in that text because he knew I needed to meet Dorrine. It didn't matter that the rest of my day was totally thrown off and I arrived perfectly on time and not a minute earlier to everything else I was scheduled for. It was a holy encounter for me to meet Dorrine, the mother from Jamaica. You see ever since my children started staying with their father more I've fought this deep pain of not having them with me as much. Even this past week they were supposed to be with me and because of certain circumstances they didn't come. When Dorrine told me 4 months I could of burst into tears, honestly, ALL week long I almost started crying: when I was teaching yoga, massaging clients, writing and illustrating my new children's book, pumping gas, waking up at 3am....you get the jist. I MISS MY CHILDREN! They are like the blood that is needed to run through my heart, basically giving my heart a reason to beat. So, when Dorrine told me 4 months she was away from her children, my heart ached, I knew an ounce of her pain. I needed Dorrine today, I needed to know I wasn't alone. I was reminded that I must cherish each moment more when my children are with me, I must make sure they know and feel loved immensely. I must be stronger and speak wiser, I must be mindful that every minute away from them makes every minute with them even more dear and full of gratitude. Thank you God, for loving me, my children, Dorrine, and her children. Thank you for yesterday and the days to come. I know each minute is a miracle, every encounter a holy encounter, and my heart is learning to remain grateful(even at 3am).

8 years ago today

8 years ago today was a Saturday. My father was dying, my husband at the time left me, and I was longing to be with my family. Having 4 children between the ages of 3-9 was a heavy load under the circumstances. The stress of losing the most stable person in our lives was weighing on everyone's emotions. Having happy, energetic children that didn't understand the sorrow running around was too much for the family to endure, so I was home letting my children be children. I remember calling and begging my ex to come watch the children, he refused and I will not bother to share where he was or write how his own hurting and anger reflected upon me....because that is his story to tell. I chose to ignore the verbal abuse at the time, I was wrapped in a whirlwind of pain watching my father prepare to leave this world.

Today, I am free to look back and understand that forgiveness offers everything I want. Today, I have accepted this as true. Today, I have received the gifts of God. And today, I am grateful where I stand, able to share my story and not be ashamed.

When everything seems to fall...

Sometimes I feel nothing. Like the air is too much to breath. Then, I come across something, like your old shirt and I instantly start crying. I remember how inspiring you were, how you always pushed through. You never gave up, you saw the best in everyone, and every morning you sought the one that gave us life. You persevered until your last breath. You made light of the darkest of situations, thank you for reminding me that everything will be ok. I miss you.