Hitting the Lottery....well, mentally

When you work your ass off to pay rent and bills then the test happens of not just one flat tire but, TWO! Ok miracles....I’m trusting, tired, yet trusting. What lessons have uncontrollable moments brought you in life? These moments allow us to notice if we are letting our emotions react. Wether we like it or not, it makes us who we are. I’ve experienced (like most of us) moments of loss and pain that have made me who i am today. I’m grateful for these lessons because it has kept me in tune with compassion. It has made me more aware that I’m not in control of anything except how i react, and how to make the most of any situation....especially finding joy through humor. There is always a solution. 

What’s deep within always manifest, it will either: physically, mentally, spiritually, financially, or socially. What is coming forth, revealing your true nature? Even what seems like the darkest of souls was created in God’s image. Knowing this reminds me how trauma or programmed behavior from years on this earth gives permission for us to love deeper. We live by these things called emotions and feeling, if we were to live by reasoning and logic, we would never accomplish anything worth while. Passion is our birthright, it stirs to the depths of our souls. Displaying splendor that has been masked for far too long. This physical world is temporary, the essence that creates every individual is worthy of love. The way i see it, if we listen more, to the core of self and each other, progress and growth will be inevitable. We must say “Shhhh” to the noise and embrace the real reason we are here. Heal, so that we may fully live.

New blog description.....

As I prepare to launch the Ladybug project next week, I've been changing and updating all my sites online. The Ladybug project will raise awareness towards child molestation. Here is the new description for this blog site, shoot me your thoughts:

Finding joy through suffering. Kara shares her perceptions from child molestation, abuse, death, divorce, parent alienation, homelessness, and how she found joy through the pain. Our old story may not have been by choice, yet our new one is! Author, single mother of 4, yogi that loves God, laughing gangsta, fitness fanatic, and inspirational speaker empowering victims to step into their FREEDOM!

Real Talk...

I'm in bed wearing a free shirt from a church I used to attend. I attempted to stand in front of the mirror naked for a second to do what a book I've been reading told me to do....tell myself, my body "thank you" and really mean it. I ended up crying. Do I even know why? No, I don't. Why must we be our own worst critic? I look at my body and see imperfections, I look at my life and nothing I've done is good enough. Does that mean no one is good enough for me or should I be honest and say what I really feel? That I'm not good enough. Maybe it's the fact that I'm on my period, or maybe I can blame myself for not working out over the past week....what I really want to ask is "Why are so many people miserable and hard on each other? Aren't some of life's circumstances hard enough we don't need to judge others and point out their mistakes? Can we just celebrate and learn to find ways to empower one another through the misunderstandings?" Most people don't make mistakes on purpose, we fall down like a toddler learning to walk. Yet, why are we so much harder on ourselves and others as adults?   I'm tired, most days I can lift and carry the load just enough until I'm ready to surrender. But right now, I just feel like laying here and letting the dirt hit my face til I'm buried deep and made one with the earth. Tomorrow will be different, I'll be bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready to proclaim my victory as if I've already conquered the fears of my past. For just this moment, I will lay here in my shattered glass house, feeling my blood run to the ground as if it was all for nothing.

A Mothers ❤️

After I drop my kids off my heart hurts so deeply I just want to escape. Run into hiding, I know this piece of me no one can soothe. It will never be comforted, there are no words, no substitutes that can replace the 4 parts of my heart that walk around outside my chest. Do you think that is how God feels about us when we make the decision to not have a relationship with him? To not speak or spend time with him? Because this pain is unbearable, it's like my insides have shattered and there is no medication that could ever ease such a crashing. Just for today world, I'm letting you know I am real and I bear my truth through these futile words. Any apology or sympathy is not welcome because this super strong woman of a hero has a kryptonite....and it destroys everything I've ever built.
Most will never know the depths of my love, the loyalty I possess, the heaviness I've taken on to relieve those I consider priceless to my entire being. I keep my distance knowing most cannot handle unconditional acceptance because it's too close to home. Not the temporary homes here on earth yet, our original home. It's the only place I look forward to, and I'll always be ready.

What you take from this is only a reflection of you(not me), so if it makes you sad...why are you really sad? If it disturbs you, what have you done?

Yes, this devastation angers me, I need time to process and live through it. Will I ever be able to open up to anyone again....who knows? All I understand right now is how broken I am. Yet, I know I'm not alone.

Every minute is full of purpose....

Today, was one of those days....you know when you are running from one place to another and time is of the essence. I rushed out of aerial class early to do a massage at a spa, when I arrived I was waiting at the door of the spa and couldn't believe the owner wasn't there yet. I was also wondering "WHERE are the clients?" I noticed the cleaning lady in front of one of the hotel rooms, I sparked up a conversation and she happened to be from Jamaica. I asked her if she had children, she did, a 2 and 6 year old. She then explained they were back home in Jamaica, 4 months out of the year she works in the states. FOUR MONTHS, I tried for my eyes to not get weary and full of tears. She asked me if I had children and then we both had to get back to work. I decided to leave since I hadn't heard from anyone and had another massage at another spa an hour later. When I got to my car I looked at my text, OMG, I WAS AT THE WRONG SPA! Two of the spas I help out at have owners with the same names! I totally fudged on that one, where I was really supposed to be was 2 miles away. I rushed over to the other spa and learned to put different labels for these ladies in my phone, so it won't happen again! I felt so bad about it until I just woke up at 3am understanding what really happened yesterday. The universe, God, (however you want to put it) allowed me to not take notice of the exact person in that text because he knew I needed to meet Dorrine. It didn't matter that the rest of my day was totally thrown off and I arrived perfectly on time and not a minute earlier to everything else I was scheduled for. It was a holy encounter for me to meet Dorrine, the mother from Jamaica. You see ever since my children started staying with their father more I've fought this deep pain of not having them with me as much. Even this past week they were supposed to be with me and because of certain circumstances they didn't come. When Dorrine told me 4 months I could of burst into tears, honestly, ALL week long I almost started crying: when I was teaching yoga, massaging clients, writing and illustrating my new children's book, pumping gas, waking up at 3am....you get the jist. I MISS MY CHILDREN! They are like the blood that is needed to run through my heart, basically giving my heart a reason to beat. So, when Dorrine told me 4 months she was away from her children, my heart ached, I knew an ounce of her pain. I needed Dorrine today, I needed to know I wasn't alone. I was reminded that I must cherish each moment more when my children are with me, I must make sure they know and feel loved immensely. I must be stronger and speak wiser, I must be mindful that every minute away from them makes every minute with them even more dear and full of gratitude. Thank you God, for loving me, my children, Dorrine, and her children. Thank you for yesterday and the days to come. I know each minute is a miracle, every encounter a holy encounter, and my heart is learning to remain grateful(even at 3am).

8 years ago today

8 years ago today was a Saturday. My father was dying, my husband at the time left me, and I was longing to be with my family. Having 4 children between the ages of 3-9 was a heavy load under the circumstances. The stress of losing the most stable person in our lives was weighing on everyone's emotions. Having happy, energetic children that didn't understand the sorrow running around was too much for the family to endure, so I was home letting my children be children. I remember calling and begging my ex to come watch the children, he refused and I will not bother to share where he was or write how his own hurting and anger reflected upon me....because that is his story to tell. I chose to ignore the verbal abuse at the time, I was wrapped in a whirlwind of pain watching my father prepare to leave this world.

Today, I am free to look back and understand that forgiveness offers everything I want. Today, I have accepted this as true. Today, I have received the gifts of God. And today, I am grateful where I stand, able to share my story and not be ashamed.

When everything seems to fall...

Sometimes I feel nothing. Like the air is too much to breath. Then, I come across something, like your old shirt and I instantly start crying. I remember how inspiring you were, how you always pushed through. You never gave up, you saw the best in everyone, and every morning you sought the one that gave us life. You persevered until your last breath. You made light of the darkest of situations, thank you for reminding me that everything will be ok. I miss you. 

Joy Ladybug

This weekend I was a vendor (selling my The Little Yogi books) at a yoga festival in Surf City, NC. Roots of Love yoga festival was an inspiring event raising money for a shelter being built for women in recovery/sobriety. The other vendors and everyone that came by was a beautiful and holy encounter. My youngest was with me and it was amazing having her beside me. As I shared the premises of the Little Yogi series for anyone that approached the table, people found them either intriguing or kept moving right along, yet 2 encounters left me pondering after the fact. 

Aftermath 1: I would mention to everyone how there would be 30 books total, 28 in the making to go alongside the 2 that were available for purchase that day. Some believed that was a bit ambitious, and others would reply "hmmm, ok", but one lady said: "no, you need to make more than that! You HAVE to make than 30." She said it with such sincerity and authority, I never heard anyone challenge me that way before. Who knows, maybe The Little Yogi will reflect its final page where it says "The End, or is it?"

Aftermath 2: As one kind lady asked me how I came up with the idea of The Little Yogi books, then asked me why did I choose a Ladybug for the first book 'Just My Luck'. I thought about it for a second and mentioned how ladybugs have showed up in almost every situation in my life over the past 20 years. The very first time I remember seeing a Ladybug that impacted my life was on a reconciliation walk to Indian reservations throughout the states with a mission organization I was with at the time. The group I was with was having a worship jam session at a campsite we were staying at. As I sang ,I looked down and noticed a red Ladybug climbing up a leaf of grass. When she reached the top her front legs waved towards the heavens as if she was praising God with us. I thought to myself..."wow, even the ladybugs worship God, our King." The scripture that says "Let everything that has breath praise the Lord." in Psalm 150:6 came very real to me that day. From then on ladybugs would show up everywhere from seeing a yellow Ladybug on one of my birthdays in India (on a mission trip) to a black Ladybug with red spots on my wedding dress the day I got married. As I told my new friend that was asking me about the ladybug importance in my life, she said "you should look up its meaning. Perhaps it is your spirit animal/bug". I honestly never thought of that before, yet they have constantly flown into my life. Later on I looked up the Ladybug symbolism and found the following, which baffled me because it is dead on! I feel like I can officially say I am lady-luck!  

Ladybug Symbolism & Meaning 

With the heart of a child your dreams come true

Spirit says:  All Your Dreams & Desires Are Being Prepared For You

Be  patient with yourself & with your dreams . . . enjoy the journey . . . enjoy the discoveries . . .  celebrate all of magic of the serendipities and synchronicities that are hidden in plain view all around you just waiting for you notice them, this is the proof that yes,  all of your dreams & desires are being prepared for you!    ♥ ~ Presley Love ~

Ladybug Symbolism...  "Ladybug is the perfect symbol for lady-luck.  The Ladybug brings luck and abundance wherever she goes.  When you see the Ladybug make your wish known to her, and when you see her fly away you will know she is off to grant your wish."   If you see a Ladybug and a Chipmunk near each other, magic is in the air... you can be sure that indeed the Universe is conspiring on your behalf in serendipitous ways.

Ladybug Meaning...

Delight, happiness, and playful spirit all share in the meaning of the Ladybug.  Upon appearing in your midst, Ladybug brings an instant sense of pure delight.  Children squeal with excitement when they see a ladybug, and closely inspect it with big open curious eyes particularly when it lands upon them.  The Ladybug represents the childlike nature in everyone... from 2 to 102.

You know it is a sure sign of bringing blessings of abundance when Ladybug frequents your garden.  Whenever you see the Ladybug, she is extending an invitation to find a garden, plant some flowers, and delight in the magic of nature and how things grow from the rich fertile earth...  Ladybug is also a symbol of taking action on your dreams, as with her very presence she hints at planting the seeds of your dreams.   She will bless your dreams as well as your garden, plant your dreams where they will get plenty of sunshine and feed them with praise and just like the flowers in your garden, your dreams will begin sprouting and growing and surprising you in the most delightful ways.

The red shield and big black dots that cover the Ladybugs wings announce to the world that she is proclaiming her unique and playful spirit for all to see, to bring smiles on her way to wherever her heart leads her in the next moment.  Another meaning of the black dots on the Ladybug is to count your blessings, and show your gratitude with grace and style.

The spiritual meaning of the Ladybug is spiritual devotion.  Ladybug will help you discover your true self and what makes you most happy and fulfilled.    For those on a spiritual journey, Ladybug is a sign to take inventory of what fills your heart, Ladybug signals the way to follow your bliss.  
Ladybug symbolism & totem powers 

Good Luck, Blessings, Dreams 

Ladybug spiritual meaning 

Spiritual Devotion, Finding True Happiness

Ladybug animal magic 

Granting Wishes

The red sheaths with the black dots that cover and protect the wings of the Ladybug, symbolize protecting what is most valuable to you.  With wings you can fly free, free to create the dreams that are meant for you alone to realize and make come true.   

When Ladybug is your Spirit Animal... 

When Ladybug is one of your totem animals you believe in the magic of the Universe, you believe in magic just like a child.  You have experienced it, you have a knowing that cannot be taught in a class or read in a book.  You know the ways of magic and how to conspire with the Universe.  You have an innate understanding of the blending of elements and words ~ bringing forth the manifestation of your desires.  Some might say you are lucky, and indeed you are, but you know it's more than luck... it is the power of believing that is your magic.  

When Ladybug walks with you as your Spirit Animal Guide, you know that inner happiness is the most rewarding of all things beyond measure.  You delight in the small things, and children are drawn to you, you have the heart of a child and have childlike wonder for all things in nature.  You have found your way, the way that is uniquely yours, you have found how to be happy all by yourself without the distractions of unhealthy relationships or work environments.  When you have found your full power, you will spread your wings and bring blessings and hope to others, and your words will be like a magic incantation helping others find their own way.  Do not rush on this path, you will know when the time has come.   

When Ladybug is your power animal you are a healer of hearts, and when the heart is healed one can pursue the dreams that have been dormant, like seeds that have been waiting to be placed in the soil.  

Ladybug symbolism in your dreams or in your midst...

When Ladybug symbolism appears in your dreams, or frequently in your midst through movies, images etc.,  you have been given an invitation to play in a beautiful abundant garden where dreams come true just for the asking.  Use your imagination and see the scene of how it unfolds for you,  Something magnificent deep within is waiting to be born through you, something that brings fulfillment and happiness to your soul.  Ladybug is saying... luck is on your side.... just believe and I will help you. 

Ladybug is also a powerful totem of healing, Ladybug speaks:  "healing energies surround you... release your worries and let healing energies flow".

Ladybug Symbolism ~  have the heart of a child and...  just believe 

Meditation, not what it's all cracked up to be.....

For years I ran from sitting still, from meditation, from having to sit by myself in silence. I didn't want to sit alone, breathe in and out. I'd rather read a book, drink tea, organize my thoughts, plan my day, or balance my bank acct. Sitting still and letting go, scared the hell out of me and still does. Falling on my face in a sacred place only showed me the worst parts of me, the moments in my life that I NEVER wanted to relive. Being bare, open and scared isn't where we desire to habitat. Running and working out comforted me because it made me feel strong and as if I could escape or at least defend myself if any attackers crossed my path.
This morning I decided to crawl into my closet and sit. As soon as I did, exactly what I thought would happen, happened.....I bawled like baby. You see THIS is the reason why I didn't want to be here! The place where had to embrace the ugliest parts of me. The tears wouldn't stop, the pain surfaced, I felt scared, alone, and trapped in a body that held anger from the past. For about 5 minutes, fear thought it had the best of me, until I heard and felt a loud pop. It was my right hip, the metaphysical occurred. When we experience trauma, so many of us store it in our bodies and it's result....physical suffering. Ever since I was a young child I had knee pain. Throughout the years doctors have told me it was arthritis, bipartite patellas, and other medical conditions. Yet, I knew deep within what it truly was all this time. It was unforgiveness and my ego not allowing me to let go of the anger. I knew healing existed, I understood we could live life as if pain was a choice. You see, if we give ourselves permission to come face to face with the pain, the trauma, the what feels unbearable past....we can learn to let it go as if we are standing underneath a waterfall and being washed, covered in love. My hip adjusted as I uncontrollably wept, I told the little girl, that didn't want to stay at her grandfather's house, "I'm sorry." I wept some more and then noticed I was sitting crossed legged for over 5 minutes. I didn't have to come out and extend my legs or slowly adjust due to pain. My knees were more than fine. You see, I didn't want to meditate, I knew of the pain that was waiting on me there. Not just my knee pain, yet my life's trauma. The connection is real, and I didn't deny it today, I embraced it. As soon as I did, it released. Right now, I'm not angry nor sad, I'm aware. Aware of choosing to love myself by taking time to meditate. Time to weep, time to let go. Meditation is not what its all cracked up to be, its more.    

Stolen memories

Sometimes, the only thing I crave is to be a mom. I don't have an appetite for food or desire to get drunk to numb the pain. Sugar doesn't amuse me, neither does companionship.  I just want to be Mom. I want to see my children every night as they sleep, knowing they are safe.  I want to wake them up with kisses and wish them off to the start of an amazing day. I crave fixing them breakfast and sharing stories, helping them with their homework.  I want to see them play all thier games and be their biggest cheerleader on the sidelines.  Something that may seem so small to others, yet aches my heart because it isn't mine for the taking.