broken

I'm a little broken, let me rephrase that- I'm completely broken. I could try to say that my life is fine, everything will pass and be ok, but in the midst of a storm its really hard to feel safe. I keep thinking I can't do this anymore, I can't do this on my own.

Today, I woke up thinking how awesome, the kids and I got like 9-10 hours of sleep(this NEVER happens). I was quite pleased as a mom. Then the chaos of getting everyone dressed, fed, clothed, and off to school -on time- hit me like a punch to the face. The children arrived to school on time, I headed to the studio where I literally fall on my face before God and cried. Reason: a dear sweet friend of mine miscarried her baby last night. I begin to pray and am reminded of the scripture my Victoria love texted me the night before= "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."-John 16:33 The Lord Jesus told us you WILL have trouble, NOT maybe or there might be a chance of showers & storms yet- YOU WILL! Okay, so my day gets a bit hairier, Luke's school calls....he's sick. My mom saves me by picking him up. I run to tech to the math hub for some homework to be done and algebra to be understood. As I am finishing up the last 5 questions and get ready to pick up my other sweet babes I see an e-mail on my phone....its my instructor reminding me of a test that has to be finished by 8:30pm tonight. UMMM WHAT?!?!?!?! TEST? I was totally lost and baffled! I had no idea my first chapter test was due. I rush to pick up kids, forgot Eve's dance leotard so grab it from home and wha-la she gets to dance on time, then I rush back to school to pick up Andrew from chorus. I look at the clock its 4pm, I have 4 hrs to somehow get back up to tech to take the test. My faithful assistant covers the kids class for me at work and I arrive home to find my dogs have escaped. No worries, they return 30 minutes later with the help of my small hero- Luke. Yogini Brad calls to save the studio by covering my 6pm yoga class, I look at the clock its 5:15. Mom and Quinton hold the fort down as I take off back to the math hub where I ask this wonderful girl by the name of Courtney to lead me in her graphic calculator ways. I glance over, it's 7pm. So, I venture into the test room. I leave by 8:30pm. I can't believe how the day turned out, I didn't panic, I actually had peace. I wasn't worried, I knew what really mattered. God's plan matters, his kindness, compassion, and forgiveness -that's what matters. Arriving home at 9pm, food must be made and bodies must be washed, the kids & I read our Acts bible study at the dinner table to multi task. Eve falls asleep on the table, Seth not far behind, Luke has a meltdown but manages to carry Eve to bed, and Andrew lets Seth sleep in his bed. They are good kids, I know this, yet I wonder if we could have gone without the theatrical "I'm tired"- moments. Once again: PEACE -I have it IN HIM! The best part of my day was when a great friend sent me a song by the end of the night that put the biggest, silliest smile on my face (that wouldn't leave). Thank you Lord for providing your peace amongst this world full of trouble, most importantly thank YOU for having already OVERCOME this place! I have nothing to fear! I am not alone, you send help and friends when needed. Let me remain broken, that you may mold me into your likeness. I want to be compassionate, kind, and forgiving.....just like you.

i believe

Tomorrow I turn 36, today I am in bed sick. I should be catching up on my algebra homework but for the time being I am laying in bed drinking echinacea tea with some local honey, ginger root, and garlic. Gross, I know, but I have a speaking engagement this evening. I can't blame anyone for getting me sick except myself. I rarely rest, I am exhausted. I feel the weight of a million things on my chest right now. People sometimes quote that ridiculous saying "God never gives you more than you can handle." The truth is -its NOT God's fault, we pretty much can screw EVERYTHING up on our on and take on too much. We think we are awesome and try to pull out that scripture that says "I can do everything through him who gives me strength"-Philippians 4:13. I don't believe that God meant to bite off more than you can chew. WHY? Because you will FLIPPIN choke, that's why! So, Kara has bitten off more than she can chew.....running a business, on-line school, four kids, writing, etc. etc. etc. -I'm sure I'm not the only one that has 15 gazillion things to accomplish in one day(that obviously needs more hours, right?).

I was chatting with someone the other day and felt the need to tell them:
"Lately I've been loving on people where they are at. I was very quiet for a few years and felt as if I could only handle my own personal hell (super selfish I KNOW) then last year I was in church one morning and realized my purpose here on earth. That is the kingdom of God, that's my purpose, to tell of His glory and for me to be grounded in Him because I am his, & he is mine. I am falling in love with him all over again! I'm not perfect, but I can relate to others. Its so cool to be in places where most christians won't go, I've seen more people come to Christ in 2011 than I have in the past 10 yrs."

That being said, I am still tired. I want to complain and have somebody pick me up and tell me its all going to be ok. Someone verbally confirm that the bills are going to paid, the kids won't turn out worse than they already are, I won't end up homeless, I'll meet the guy of my dreams(bhahahahahaha), and life doesn't have to be constant turmoil which leads to depression. Is that too much to ask?

Of course it is! This is why I should only have small proportions on my plate, it doesn't have to be full. Life happens and the single MOST important agenda is: God's kingdom. When I focus on that everything else seems to align. The kids don't talk back as much, an unexpected $100 shows up in the bank, an amazing friend watches the kids for me while I have to work last minute, and I find out the place I've been dreaming of for the past 20 years is finally going to be a destination point for me this year! When I cry like a girl God tells me to look up and believe. When I don't want to get out of bed he sends my kids in to push me out of it with laughter that makes everything seem new again. The moment I forget my purpose he shows me HOPE. I struggle, if it weren't for his amazing grace I would not be here. We ALL have a purpose and through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvations that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 1 Peter 1, great read! Give me more of Jesus, less of Kara so I don't have to fret or worry bout each day, yet all I have to do is BELIEVE!

i will never live up to your expectations

My yard is a mountain of leaves -be careful not to get lost or fall in, dirty dishes, laundry that won't end, is dinner ready or the kids homework done? idk, idc........i just want to crawl in bed and go to sleep! Sometimes, when i write down my to do list, i jot down GO TO the bathroom or EAT to remind myself that I need to take care of me, too. Yea, i won't be able to live up to your standards, so go find another to make fun of or criticize. I barely can hold my head up long enough to breath.

Shady People

Shady people hurt people
Which makes me grateful that I can slightly pick up on the shadiness
Although shady people are probably just hurt themselves
It all comes to a point somehow in the end

Some say my wall needs to come down
I'm not ready

This pain will disappear one day
All I need to do is trust fall
Right into my Daddy's arms

Because a shade can not catch you........

"It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in humans."
Psalm 118:8

Some see me as annoying, some say I have too much energy, and those that cling to negativity -I really don't care to hear what they think of me. :) We all have different gifts, just read Romans chapter 12 in the Bible. For the longest time I felt I was never worthy, never good enough, and never going to make an impact. Then I constantly am reminded of how my children need to be held and appreciated, loved and told daily how God strategically created them. They have purpose, as I write that I sniffle because I have purpose. I am forever telling my son Luke how God doesn't make mistakes, how we can't disappoint him(because he ALREADY knows what will happen), and how crazy in love he is with us otherwise he wouldn't have sent Jesus. I am not amazing, my Father whom created me is amazing.....so I guess the fact that he that resides in me (as he becomes greater and I become less) -people might mistaken me as amazing. My humanness scares me at times. The bones in my closet aren't ones I want revealed to anyone so, if I share them with you, know I am being humbled and ready for you to see the glory of God in my life. It is His GRACE that has brought me thus far. Because if HIS grace is sufficient for me, then I know it is powerful enough for ANYONE!
God sees us as beautiful because we are His creation. As a mother looks to her child and sees the great qualities he or she has to offer so our Heavenly Father gazes upon us with pure delight.

Give me faith

This songs lyrics wake and stir within me, I find myself singing them when I need Him:

I need you to soften my heart and break me apart.
I need you to open my eyes and
see that your shaping my life & all I am I surrender.
Give me faith to trust what you say,
that your good and your love is great.
I'm broken inside, I give you my life.
I need you to soften my heart and break me apart.
I need you to pierce through the dark and cleanse every part of me.
All I am, I surrender. Give me faith to trust what you say,
that your good and your love is great.
I'm broken inside and give you my life.
I MAY BE WEAK BUT YOUR SPIRIT IS STRONG IN ME
MY FLESH MAY FAIL BUT MY GOD YOU NEVER WILL
Give me faith to trust what you say
that your good and your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give you my life

Truth is I need Him to give me faith, I choose every step I take. Its not fun knowing that most of my life I made the choices that determined the outcome of everything that has unfolded. So here I am BROKEN, giving Him my life, my all. its so true that I may be weak and my flesh has failed YET His Spirit is STRONG and He NEVER will fail us! Finding Joy is finding God! I will write more on miracle #5, 6, and 7 next week. Until then, Merry Christmas!

Instead of the 12 days of Christmas, its the Miracles of Christ in my life!

Today Miracle #4 happened! NEW SHOES for the kids!!!!




No more tears, just bewilderment of God's blessings.......my dad is smiling upon us and I can see him now with Jesus celebrating until we join. Continue to run the race! "Since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us strip off and throw aside every unnecessary weight and the sin which so readily clings to and entangles us, and let us RUN with patient endurance and steady and active persistence the appointed course of the race that is set before us! LOOK away from all that will distract us and turn to Jesus, who is the leader and source of our faith and the finisher. He, for the joy that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising and ignoring the shame, and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1-2

miracles

The other day I facebooked "WOW, WOW, WOW! I'm blown away by God's miracles!" It's true, I am! 14 comments and 39 likes later some were asking "What's going on Kara?" Well, HERE IT IS! I might NOT have to move! I know what your thinking, whoop dee do.....but, I haven't gotten a roommate yet and that means not enough rent money. The miracles started occurring on Tuesday when I gave a massage, then the sweet friend took me to lunch which btw was amazing (Indian food)! When we were done I had to run to teach the kids yoga class, so she handed me the money for the massage -that I had already forgotten about because my tummy was extremely hapi. I placed it in my pocket, so when I got home later that night after my classes I pulled it out to discover that my gracious sweet angel of a friend gave me a 100% tip!
Thursday, my work day lasted until 8pm, when I finally pulled up to the house & looked through the mail I found miracle #2: a check for $250! As I am calling angel #2 to thank for the amazing answer to prayer, miracle #3 is beeping in. It was one of my private yoga clients stating they were home for the holidays and ready to start lessons ASAP! No one could possibly imagine the crazy joy that ran through my veins at that moment!
I am COMPLETELY blessed! I'm not worried wether the rest of my rent will come in or not. God has already taken care of EVERYTHING and will let me know in due time. God has shown me his unfailing love and incredible faithfulness. Last month someone gave us a huge gift of compassion by paying our December rent and the month before -groceries were found on my front door step. A lot of people don't realize how hard it has been for me as a single mother of four with or without four jobs and attending on-line classes. ALL I know is that I am thankful He sent his one and only son, I will continue to celebrate His goodness and mercies that are new EVERY morning! I love you God! Thank you for taking care of my family, I am NOT ashamed to tell of your kindness. Seeking Him and sharing Him (with or without words) is what its ALL about! Thank you for never leaving nor forsaking me!

laugh or cry

i think the choices we make reflect heavily on how our life plays out. your thinking "duh Kara, karma" -right..... for every action there is a reaction, for every choice made- a consequence is going to be revealed, what you DO NOW DOES matter because it contributes to the aftermath of your future. we all know this, yet why do we still struggle with doing what is right? some contemplate and imagine themselves perfect, then there are those that never see themselves good enough. mix the two together and you got Britney Spears. JK, jk, jk, jk!
i strive to be on time, knowing this shows respect and consideration for the people i'm meeting up with. THEN WITH-OUT FAIL, SOMETHING HORRIBLY WRONG HAPPENS! my clumsiness, in a hurry-ness, takes over and interweaves with my bad luck.... assuming i was really supposed to be born with the original Three Stooges. yesterday it was the plumbing, sewer backed up so no toilet flushing, washing dirty laundry, showers, basically the water was off limits. today i auditioned for the worship band at church, attempting to be on time i jump into the car and sit on a cup of water that one of the kiddos left for me. on stage, in my nervousness i fumble through my song, not once but twice. what do i do? i laugh, what is the point of crying? i find myself constantly laughing at my scenario or situation because if i don't i'll cry. i think i've shed enough tears for my entire family over the past several years with my fathers death, divorce, 3 computer crashes (losing my book each time), working 4 jobs to get food on the table for my 4 sugar plums, feeling overwhelmed with loneliness, and on top of all that- making bad choices by not aligning myself with the Word of God. Yup, i'm ready to surrender to HIS complete joy. God, i'm yours, right here, right now! most of the time my outcome could have been different but, what's done is done. if i slip up with my words or my actions, right there beside me are 4 sweet babes ready for the next adventure and comedy skit from their designated mother. life will never be perfect and i'm down with that......just can't wait to win the lottery(that is if i actually bought the ticket).