my hope is in you

i want you Jesus, i want to know you beyond the church, beyond the prayers, beyond these four walls i live in.

Where do I start?

I am falling in love all over again. It's completely crazy but I am stumbling over things, getting lost in my thoughts, finding myself tickled just thinking about him. The most amazing part is how he consistently pursues me, he calls me, he helps me with my kiddos, and he listens to my rash ravings when it appears that life is throwing dung at my face. He desires me and tells me of my beauty. The worth I do not see in myself is where he is patient enough to remind me. I'm not really familiar with this intense sweet aroma called love. But, I will take it!
I need to establish some soil before I go on. I am running a yoga studio in a small town located in South Carolina. This is not a very welcoming town when it comes to change, just ask the preacher's wife that told me a few years back: "YOU will NEVER have the anointing of God in your life if you leave your husband!" as I was going through a divorce. Change is not something that everyone enjoys, it occurs constantly -ie. 8 track to tape cassette to cd to ipod, vhs to dvd to blue ray, land line telephone to cell phones, change is never immediately accepted or embraced. Yet eventually people adapt.
Anywho, my life has drastically changed over the past 2 years, actually over the past 4 months. My wonderful kids still amaze me with their ever growing questions and enriching insights. I remain baffled on how this guy that I am growing incredibly fond of provides for me and gives me unlimited energy. He sounds great, right? If only I would be able to spend more time with him.........another blog/another day.
Oh yeah, soil. So, the ex hubby proposed to the chic of his dreams. She comes across as nice to my children but, what happens when she oversteps her boundaries?
Hold on, aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Okay, I'm back. I am not one that embraces conflict, I usually run in the opposite direction because I am a crybaby. Here's the scoop: as of the past 4 months I have totally been focused and wrapped up in my kids, my new business, and school. There really has not been a single moment to look elsewhere. All I desire to do is feed my kids and keep them under a roof. It's been tough! I share joint custody with my kids father so, their is no child support. Needless to say- we have two wonderful roomies that help pay the rent, so never a dull minute in our house of 7!
I recently learned from the children that the ex was living with his newly made fiance, they informed me that the air conditioner was broken at dad's house. After about 2 weeks of staying there I could tell how uncomfortable it was for them. They told me how confusing everything was, the divorce was final last year, the wound still fresh from the band-aid being ripped off. They didn't want to talk at first because they thought it was supposed to be a secret. I didn't bring it up and I didn't say anything. First: because I don't know how to explain the whole situation of living with someone your not married to. Second, I was constantly working to provide for them and get a vehicle.
Nothing is smooth for kids when it comes to divorce or death and my kids got slammed with both over the past 2 years. Well, the soon to be bride made herself comfortable by signing the kids work from school and sending me a schedule of who does what on this/that day with highlights of where I'm going to be. I take a look at it, roll my eyes, think to myself "mmm k, whatever." Then the continuous text from hell started blowing up my phone. Who cares that I was deep in thought working on my homework, or it was the hour before my deadline. I responded with the boundary line statement "you are not allowed to tell me or advise me what to do and I will have the same respect for you."
Why is it that we think the world of people when we are falling in love yet, when we are unsatisfied or not content, wanting/needing more we have no problem crushing others?
Yay, now remember how I mentioned that I'm in love. You guessed it: his name is Jesus, God in the flesh, he's the skip in my walk, the pop in my soda, the z in my sleep, and the grin on my cheek! He has been REAL to me, he has helped me see his grace through friends and people that have no idea how blessed I am to enjoy their presence because they ooze/overflow of his goodness!
All the messiness I'm plowing through right now may not seem like a blessing but, I have hope because I am loved by a lover that will never turn his back on me, by never leaving nor forsaking me!

Church

Sitting
Enjoying
Breathing
Just being

Comfort
Safety

Am I strong?
Yes, with you beside me

Anything can be done
With you I am encouraged
Able to move mountains
With you, I am not alone
Standing ground

Walking
Talking
Door locking
Looking

Lost
Scared

Was it just a dream?
I am alone and hungry

Everything is overwhelming
People discouraging
If this is real
Wake me up
Or get me out of here

Sometimes it feels good to be alone. After teaching today I painted a part of the studio that needed to be finished. At first I thought it would be nice to have company, then as I played some music I realized how beautiful it was to not have to say a word. I have been running from here to there, teaching, and doing homework. So, the stillness was quite becoming. It was in the stillness that I had peace. Reassurance from God, his love that overwhelms and bewilders me. I wasn't alone; He kept me company and I didn't want it to end. These are the moments we search for so we can feel refreshed. Lokaah Samastaah Sukhino Bhavanthu Om Shanthi Shanthi Shanthi

What is this addiction I have of posting my most intimate thoughts in web space? I guess I fear if I do not put it out there it will stay within me. It might be that I am just reaching out to someone/anyone that will hear me. The strong independent single mom that comes across needing no assistance and can handle this life trusting God to no end -STRUGGLES! I am scared to death. I don't know how He does it but he does. God provides for me, more than enough! Yet, does this mean as I sit here bawling that I am capable of getting through everything this life will unveil. I signed a two year lease for my studio yesterday, WHAT was I thinking???? I didn't, I trusted as I trust every week that food will somehow magically appear in my fridge to feed my four precious babies. What really baffles me is tonight when I looked in my bathroom mirror to brush my teeth I didn't recognize the woman in it. I started crying and couldn't stop. I called out for my dad and of course there was no reply. Two years have passed and I still want to pick up the phone to call him and tell him I'm heading over because I'm frightened or I need him to watch the kids. He was there for me and directed me to Jesus every time. I am NOT okay! I am missing a HUGE part of my grounding. I'm not angry just completely lost on how to handle death so close.

Now the fun news: my ex-husband called me last week and informed me of his engagement, he said the kids were excited because they really liked his fiance. Yet as the week progressed the boys showed their concern. They now have more broken pieces to this puzzle they have to figure out called life. It was subtle but it was there. Originally, the southern red-neck Kara wanted to scream. I HATE the fact that another woman is going to act as a mommie towards my children. I do NOT like sharing, especially my children! She is a sweet lady, yet she has no idea the sweat and tears I've labored over each of my love bugs. The countless prayers for each of them and the precious moments that NO ONE needs to try to replace with new ones. This too shall pass. Yes, I wrote these thoughts out loud. I don't need to be consoled, just wanted to express it. I am not alone.

All some people interpret from my writings is blah blah blah blah. HAHA. I had to say it, I miss companionship. We were made for communion, not worthless attempts of single-hood. Why would God bother to create us if he couldn't hang out with us? Alright, I'm done venting, good night.

fist fight in a yoga studio......

I heard a loud sound, like something big fell. i was teaching and yes, my children were in the next room. the BOOM that scared my sweet yoga students while in their shvasanna was the front door being hit, one of my boys hit it with his leg. he was pushed by his younger brother. the door is glass, so from bottom to top of the door there is this huge crack. looks classy after i painted the door to hide the damage. i love my life!

snuggle time!

four kids: 11, 9, 7, & 5 plus me in a king size bed. Comfortable? NOT at all! yet, they are my kids and i love them no matter what. that's how my heavenly father feels about me. i can never disappoint him because he knows EVERYTHING that i am going to do. it always amazes me how HE loves me and it shows how he provides for me. I'm such a screw up, kind of feeling like no one wants me but HE does. watching my little ones sleep makes me want to kiss their adorable faces and hug them tight. Thank you God for wanting to do the same with me.

scared to death!

I am incredibly scared. I have friends that never worry about anything and i have friends that worry about EVERYTHING. Me, i think i only worry when i'm tired and haven't eaten. How am i going to get through this? through this single parenting business? One buddy of mine says, "i think it's time to go jump off a bridge." Hmm, maybe not.

Yes, I finally have a working car now. I am not very excited about this because with it comes a car payment. I am not much for the debt game, it took 10 years of a bad marriage to learn that. I need to shut the front door! STOP bad mouthing KARA!

35 cents

Dishes are done, laundry is folded & put away, kids are in bed, lights are off and i am being naughty. Instead of reading, working, or sleeping.....i am on someones facebook page. I try not to get caught up in all that because i really do lead a busy life which normally gives no chance for play. As i gaze upon the endless web drama that floats into the great abyss -i am distracted. These past few months have been changing me. I am once again without a car. The only difference this time is the 110 degree heat index. People question me and ask "how do you do it? 4 kids, life, how do you do it Kara?" I honestly don't know, I just do. How does any single mom make it these days? How did my dad go through the hell he went through as he was dying from the brain tumor that consumed his life? A man came up to me and asked for 35 cents the other day and I thought "How can he do that?" Sometimes it takes losing everything to find yourself humbled and begging for 35 cents, what the hell can you buy for 35 cents anyway???? I often put myself in others shoes. What would make me ask a perfect stranger for change? I wanted to know what this man had been through, I wanted to follow him to see where he lived, to see if there was anything i could do to give him hope? Then it hit me how spoiled i am. Yes, i may struggle to provide a house and food for my children yet, I'm still spoiled. I am completely spoiled, I had ice cream today. My entire body is in pain from lack of sleep, yoga 4 times a day, bicycling around town with four children in ridiculous heat, & attempting to run a business. YET, I am a spoiled ROTTEN brat! These circumstances have changed me, I am content and not looking for someone to save me or secretly hoping to hit the jack pot(which btw I'm not objected to). We get used to/familiar with the circumstances we are faced with. Nothing amuses us or shocks us. Some may quote this mundane, but i say spoiled. Why do we act ruined, damaged, and useless? How could i turn that poor man away without giving him 35 cents? How, you guessed it because I'm spoiled. Walking the streets of my town I have become somewhat calloused. Not towards others yet towards myself. I deserve zilch. So what I constantly tell myself is "what i go through is nothing compared to what my Lord went through." Yea, I wrote it out loud.....I LOVE God, i know that I'm not the greatest person to represent Him -maybe that's why i love him so much! He takes me in just the way i am, with or without the 35 cents.