Complete

I am not complete.
I want to be.
I am not yours to keep.
Yet, I want to be.
Free indeed.
Now leave me be.

Dear Daddy

Hey Dad,
I know its your birthday on Wednesday and I wanted to wish you a wonderful one. The kids miss you tremendously, they are getting so big. Eve still asks to see you! When Luke and Andrew get upset thinking about how your gone, I just throw out a funny memory of yours. We all giggle and remember you with a heap of loving fondness. Seth is.....you know- Seth. He is kind and gentle at times which reminds me of you, only 7 and he is constantly looking out for me. I wanted you to know how much you are missed, you should know of the people that you brought life to! I love you dad!
I'm investing in a surf board this week in honor of the day you arrived here on this earth. I can't wait to get out on the water.
Thank you for loving me unconditionally, you weren't perfect (no one is) but, you loved me no matter what. I miss our talks, or shall I say my ramblings that eventually ended with my thousand interrogating questions of what you thought. And my never ending demands of your life story or what you wanted if this or that happened in an imaginary scenario. You will always be favored and honored here in this heart. You pushed though and I pray for the grace to do the same. Thank you.
I love you and refuse to say good bye. Yes, I will continue to take comfort in:
"See you later,"
Kara (your Christine)

To be perfectly honest

I will be perfectly honest, I cried a lot today. My sweet room mate is hitting hard times with her car and I know what that is like because I was without one for 2 months prior this month. Another dear friend of mine is literally watching her daddy leave this earth. I ache for her, because I know this pain all too well. Watching a loved one die is heavy on the heart, indescribable. There are no words for comfort. Dad's birthday is next week and it still feels like yesterday. I keep telling myself this will all pass. I keep trying to imagine that life does have its beautiful moments. Yet, all I can do is cry. I'm not like this every day, but I was rejected by someone today and my devastation volume is stuck- I can't seem to turn the knob back down. All I desire to do is crawl into a corner and be wrapped up by the only one that can comfort me. Allowing God to tell me that I am worth more. I'm wanted and it's all right. Oh well, this is me -being perfectly honest. Tomorrow is a new day and I will not have to see this day again.

Content

For the past few days I have been reading a passage from the Bible that hits me in my gut every time. I can't stop coming back to it, its like one of those songs you hear and it keeps playing over and over again in your head.

Philippians 4:4-13
4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
10 I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

it's been a month

yes, it's been a month since my wreck and i know nothing else than to be brutally honest. For one month i have been bumming rides for my kids to get to school, hitching rides to work that is 30 minutes away, and biking everywhere else. i hate complaining; a good friend of mine told me how i was complaining lately and the truth stung like an allergic reaction from a bee sting. i am tired, tired of asking, tired of working, tired of biking, tired. i don't like asking for help and i don't like feeling like someones charity case(prideful? maybe). i do not delight in I. i am not satisfied with I. Frankly, i want to tell I to get the hell out of here! People have been incredibly patient with me. Friends have sacrificed for me. Its funny how some of us see people struggling and easily instinctively lend a hand, yet when we are the ones that are fighting for hope -we cowardly shy away from the kind generosity extended by others. Almost like a dog that has been beaten for having had an accident on the floor and scared to come back into the house. We have not been beaten, yet we have been shaken. Shaken by life's unexpected hailstorms. This explains why I want to be quiet lately and wait, desperately attempting to cut out the selfish "I". Watching what has happened to Japan with its huge tragedies, my worries can not compare. Those that are suffering are terribly shaken, rocked to the point of no return. They are not dealing with hailstorms, they have been crashed over by a tsunami. A horrific pain that eats the soul of anyone standing in its path of destruction. What really is precious in your life? What matters most to you? Do you have that gift near you, that price-less son, daughter, mother, father, brother, sister, friend? It's not about the siuations, the unexpected hailstorms that will continue to sweep through as we live on this earth. It's about the tsunamis that knock us off our feet and wake us up to reality, what really matters most. My relationships with the ones I love consist of a substance that can not be replaced. This, I can take to the grave with me. I am done, done with "I." Welcome joy, welcome reconciliatinon! Laughter, love, brokeness, amazing comfort. Here it comes.

What Just happened?

Nothing ever goes as planned. I started my day yesterday waking up thinking I was going to get my list done. It was a simple list: get the oil changed in my car, take my glasses back to the store to be fixed, grab a new phone at at&t(mine decided to give up), wash my car(he hadn't been cleaned in 3 whole weeks), be at work by 10am, and pick the kids up by 2:10pm. It started with me not wanting to wake from my slumber. The night before I was up late finishing my research paper due the following day. My body was not quite ready for Kara mode yet.
You see, this is not the normal me. I usually have energy, but lately I've been lacking in that department due to the demands I've placed upon myself. I thought that being a mother of 4 wonderful children and managing 4 jobs to support them was not exactly enough, so I applied to be a full time student! Four classes on-line hit just the right spot, to insanity that is.
I started feeling the extra cushion on my hips last week. The tightness of my favorite jeans didn't keep me from rolling into my local Krispy Kreme(with the HOT NOW sign lit) after work and right before bible study. I am less into getting to the gym to work out and more into my studies and work schedule. I am officially now a curvaceous woman and okay with that. What on earth does this have to do with the picture of the totaled car above? Well, everything! I didn't plan on putting on 10 lbs since the new year started. I didn't plan on being a 35 year old single mom, I never planned on losing my father to a brain tumor, I never hoped to lose friends along my journey in this life (I only thought we gained them), and I did NOT think when I woke yesterday morning that I would ever end up -upside down in my 7 month old Prius.
As I left the house I saw that it was already 8:45 so I told myself what is the ONE thing on your list that must be done. It was the phone, I needed a phone for communication with the important people in my life....my kids. My T-mobile phone totally got an attitude and called it quits. I have been with them since Suncom(16 years), I wanted a change. As I drove up to the AT&T store I was the first customer there. The lady was super nice and even nicer when she realized who my mother was. My mom is the phone "go to" lady at Dixie Cup. She helps deal with the more than 40 cell phones they have through AT&T. I just wanted my McLeod employee discount, I love not paying full price for things(I have to, I have 4 kids and I live in SC- please). I couldn't transfer my phone numbers from my t-mobile phone over to my new at&t phone. I was used to no communication from the previous days(where my phone blacked out and I couldn't see text or make calls), so I just threw the my new phone into my car and took off for work.
I was about half way to work and ready to teach my yoga class. It was raining and there was more traffic than usual. I thanked God for the encouragement from the night before. I expressed my desire to know him and told him how lonely I was. I was thankful for everything he has been teaching me and then it happened. The truck to the right pulled out in front of me to pass the mack truck he was behind. I pushed on the brakes to slow down and not hit him, but the wheels kept turning and I was not slowing down. I refused to hit the back of him so I veered to the left because the mack truck was beside us. I hit the grass on the median and thought to myself: "this is not going to be good." There was a small ditch that bounced me off the grass and onto the on-coming traffic. I didn't want to get hit so I started to turn my steering wheel, my car wasn't on the ground quite yet, so when it did land at the angle the tires were -my car turned over onto the side. I put my arms over my head as the car started to flip and feel the pavement impacting from every angle. Glass was shattering all around me. It was then I knew I was okay. I wasn't scared, I knew I was in the right place at the right time. I didn't see my life flash in front of my eyes, it was as if God was saying "It's not your time, yet." I felt peace, I honestly felt as if someone was holding me in place. You see, I don't remember putting my seatbelt on. I admit that I hate wearing a seatbelt and usually only do when my kids are with me. I even got a ticket the month before for NOT wearing a seatbelt. Anyway, when the car stopped spinning and I was hanging upside down I thought to myself "How did I get buckled?" "what am I going to do? I don't know anyones number and I don't even know where my phone is." I unbuckled and gathered my belongings when I saw feet through the window. Then the voices, "Are you okay in there?" "Oh my gosh, she's moving around in there!" "Do you need help getting out?" I crawled out of the window on top of all the shattered glass and hugged a beautiful woman by the name of Carol. Carol looked at me and we knew each other. She told me "what a miracle!" "God has got a purpose for you." The ambulance arrived and took me to the hospital on a back board because my neck and head were throbbing. I kept thinking how am I going to pick up the kids? As they rolled me into the emergency room all I saw was the ceiling. Then I saw Bill. Bill is a dear friend that has probably been through about the same amount of crap as I have. He works in the ER and we go to the same church, Newspring. He happens to be in my Bible study. I started to cry a little. I thought I was going to have to be alone in this crisis, yet God had made sure I wasn't. Bill called my mother for me and my ex-husband, so he could pick up the kids, in case something went south of the border. Yea, I cried. I got all sissy like and let the tears salt up my face. It was when nobody was with me, but yes I cried. Eventually, I thought of my kids and smiled big! I am thankful, thankful to have this chance, thankful for life, thankful. You see, I never planned this life, but He did and I'm cool with whatever he has in store for me. I had to slow down, I was told to remain still until everything checked out okay. It is in those moments when we can hear Him clearly. If your staying busy to keep your focus off of something, be careful because you might end up with one of these "What just happened?" moments.

speak to me

speak to me
speak to me now
i'm lost without your voice
without you is to be without direction
to not feel your breath upon me makes me hunger for more
more of you
less of me
for you to be in my veins
and never have you out
so that all i taste is you
inside my mouth

to be one and feel you completely
speak to me, make me absolute

you are the only one i have ever loved
you are the only one that has returned love

hold me until i pass
pass through this nonsense
this lewd creation

Hey, hello, anyone? anyone?

Okay, I should be doing my algebra right now, but I HAVE to let this OUT!!!!! Not that it really matters, right? I can't imagine anyone addicted to my rantings. But, today was soooooo good! Church made me happy to be alive. I guess it really wasn't church that did it. It was God.
Pause:
There are times when I'm super overwhelmed and I fear that I haven't done my best as a person, a woman, a mother or just point blank I haven't been true to whom Kara is. To tell this in a series of events so that someone might understand it all.....I will start with this past Thursday night. I had some peeps over from church and we got into the ramblings of why doesn't the church do enough? Why do most Christians ignore the needs of others all around them? Pointing fingers, tongues full of accusations, and not daring to make a difference in their communities. I, doing what I do best, defended each side. People are wrapped up in their lives, taken away by their to do list, hurting deep within themselves due to unwanted hits of life(death, divorce, financial loss, etc.). Most humans can't see past their own noses because of the inward battle and consuming agenda they have calculated as their world. Knowing it will fall apart if they wake up from this glorified temple they have righteously built on their own terms. Because if they (I really should use- WE) step into the awareness of living in this world then WE would see with our own eyes the difference that just ONE of us could make! Unveiling our self absorption to discover THIS is where I am supposed to be! I am HERE to bless, I am HERE to give HOPE, I am HERE for a FREAKIN REASON!
YES! Today I feel like I woke up! My kids need me, I need me. I LOVE what I do. I love the people I know. I make a difference.
For the past month since I moved (into my new home) I have wanted to somehow serve the homeless man that lives literally 20 steps away from my back door. After an amazing, encouraging, word from this mornings service, I stopped procrastinating. I MADE my children gather all this man's belongings, which were wet clothes scattered amongst the ground. We threw away some of the trash that was near his resting spot. For the next two hours my roommate and I washed this man's clothes that consisted of 2 pair of jeans, 6 shirts, 2 shorts, 3 pair of underwear, 2 pair of socks, a washcloth, and a towel. I drove my children to the store where we bought him a $4 plastic bin to hold his belongings. Andrew and Luke paid for a drink with 102 pennies each, the clerk's remark under her breath how she wasn't a piggy bank didn't even phase my children. We neatly folded his clothes, rolled them into his new green container that hid perfectly in the wooded area he returned to every night. I didn't have much, but what I had -I shared: strategically placing 6 granola bars, 2 gatorades, 6 slim jims, 1 apple, 1 orange, a package of ritz crackers, a water bottle full of water, alongside my roomies 3 cans of soup she placed in this man's new camouflage bin.
We don't know if this man will hate or appreciate our gesture. You never can tell, I've talked to many homeless people before and they(like us) are human.
He might be pissed we moved his things, he might not be and maybe even happy his clothes are free from dirt and smell slightly better. I just know that he is a man, a man that needs hope, just like us.
I always say, "If I could only do more....." Well, from now on, I'm not just going to pray about it, I'm going do it. Some things in this life don't need prayer, they just need action.

Cell Phones While Operating A Motor Vehicle

People catch up with friends by means of text messaging or voicemail, read and reply to e-mails, set up or cancel appointments on their calender, Google their favorite song, play electronic games, read daily horoscopes, check bank account balances, and use GPS to map where they are going. Each of these activities can be achieved on the modern day cell phone and in a matter of seconds. Should this be justified while driving? After all, only thirty states, out of the fifty that contribute to create the United States of America, ban text messaging while operating a motor vehicle. There is not one state that bans all cell phone usage to drivers.
Eleven of the thirty states, that banned text messaging while driving, only enacted their laws in 2010. Is it really progress that only eight states (California, Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, New Jersey, New York, Oregon, and Washington) outlaw the use of hand-held mobile phones while driving?
It is extremely important to pay attention while driving. Distractions while conducting a motor vehicle can be life-threatening. It merely takes a second for a driver to slam on their brakes to avoid a possible accident, hitting an animal or perhaps even worse- someone's child. In the hustle and bustle of our daily lives we are consumed with getting from one place to another; during this process we attempt to accomplish as much as possible. Being accustomed to a convenient lifestyle welcomes the stress of responding quickly and the pressure to keep up with technology combined with everyone's expectations. These type of calls should “wait until the customer is safely parked on the side of the road, or out of their cars.” (Kelsey)
At the University of North Carolina Highway Safety Research Center it has been found that talking on a cell phone while driving, you are four times more likely to be in a crash. Research says that it can be the same risk as if being in a crash with a drunk driver. Drivers are allowing their attention to be split, it is not necessarily holding the phone, but it is your mind and focus being diverted elsewhere.
Statistics show that sixty-one percent of the twenty-eight million Verizon subscribers use their cell phones purely for personal reasons. (Cronkleton) In 2009, a study by the Harvard Center for Risk Analysis estimated six percent of vehicle crashes, causing about 2,600 deaths and 12,000 serious injuries a year, are attributable to cell phone use. The Congressional Chartered National Safety Council's president and chief executive, Janet Froetscher opines “It's not just what you're doing with your hands- it's that your head is in the conversation and so your eyes are not on the road.” (FoxNews.com)
So where are the modern conveniences this amazing technology of tomorrow is taking us? Is it consuming our world to the point where we are risking our lives and the lives of others in daily traffic? There must be a change, an awareness, to be in the moment of the driver's seat and not elsewhere. Accepting responsibility is a huge part of the awareness that needs to take place, meaning that driver's need to take ownership while in transit. It is agreed by the Governors Highway Safety Association that dangerous driving can take place while on a cell phone. The task is ridiculously challenging to enforce a ban on drivers using cell phones, when drivers will not admit they have been on the phone in the first place! The likelihood of the drivers who are in accidents, even with fatalities involved, are scared to speak the truth of how the accident occurred.

Their Whole World is Changed: The Effects of Divorce on Children

“SHUT UP! MOM IS BEING NICE! WE WON'T BE ABLE TO GO TO THE PARK IF YOU KEEP RUNNING THROUGH THE AISLES!” Luke screamed as the tears rolled down his face. Not only was he angry at his brothers and sister for not listening to their mother, he was frustrated with feelings he couldn't describe. He was hurting; his emotions were all over the place. A simple trip to the grocery store was like a pilgrimage to the Ganges River from Bombay. Yet, his journey was not alone. Luke had two brothers and one sister that he loved dearly but, he could not control them. Four small children between the ages of ten and four were tired, confused and overwhelmed with a sense of loss. The loss of a family, loss of comfort, and a loss of hope that their parents would ever get back together.
Sadly enough over sixty percent of divorces have children. Many people claim how the children are the innocent bystanders that have to suffer their parents creation of a destructive family. There are arguments of why the family should stay together or, why they need to separate. Whatever the reason from adultery, financial status, domestic violence, or sexuality indifference; divorce happens. It is unfortunate for children to experience such hardship, yet thousands upon thousands go through this pain every year. Children of divorced families plow through perceptions of insecurity, instability, loneliness, sensing neglect and acting as if they have been abandoned.
The effects of divorce upon children can be harsh. Reactions occurring through means of hostility justifying the child's outlet for his/her emotions. Some choose to lash out at their parents, friends or strangers. Others suppress their anger or apprehensions of blame and fault. Children are torn in their minds believing they have to decide between the two parents. Tangibly being pulled; not understanding what has happened and wondering where they belong.
Marriage represents oneness and unity. When broken, as if a favorite piece of china has been shattered onto the ground. The surroundings change abruptly and if not cleaned up or somehow put back together; it can lead to shards of glass cutting away at the life that was familiar. Everyone's world is changed forever when this happens. Negative and positive effects can play out.
A child's self esteem could be at risk as they desperately look for direction during this transitional season. Asking serious questions, maybe even saying “Who will love me, for me?”
A sense of belonging is what these children need to survive as their world is turning upside down. Some parents fear that their children will hate them or possibly lose them to the other parent. Children might learn to manipulate the parents into getting what they want(such as a new toy or just having their way). Most parents desire to ease the child's pain and lead them to a successful transition.
Divorce is not easy on children. Adults that have walked through it as a child know. They have compassion for the ones new to the pilgrimage. There is an awareness and strength that these children will come out with when its all said and done. A mountain they will have climbed and not even realized it until they reach adulthood. The longing for completeness(a wholeness that brings comfort) is stirred up in them at an early age, yet they are a bit wiser. Young and searching: for wisdom, longing for acceptance.