Their Whole World is Changed: The Effects of Divorce on Children

“SHUT UP! MOM IS BEING NICE! WE WON'T BE ABLE TO GO TO THE PARK IF YOU KEEP RUNNING THROUGH THE AISLES!” Luke screamed as the tears rolled down his face. Not only was he angry at his brothers and sister for not listening to their mother, he was frustrated with feelings he couldn't describe. He was hurting; his emotions were all over the place. A simple trip to the grocery store was like a pilgrimage to the Ganges River from Bombay. Yet, his journey was not alone. Luke had two brothers and one sister that he loved dearly but, he could not control them. Four small children between the ages of ten and four were tired, confused and overwhelmed with a sense of loss. The loss of a family, loss of comfort, and a loss of hope that their parents would ever get back together.
Sadly enough over sixty percent of divorces have children. Many people claim how the children are the innocent bystanders that have to suffer their parents creation of a destructive family. There are arguments of why the family should stay together or, why they need to separate. Whatever the reason from adultery, financial status, domestic violence, or sexuality indifference; divorce happens. It is unfortunate for children to experience such hardship, yet thousands upon thousands go through this pain every year. Children of divorced families plow through perceptions of insecurity, instability, loneliness, sensing neglect and acting as if they have been abandoned.
The effects of divorce upon children can be harsh. Reactions occurring through means of hostility justifying the child's outlet for his/her emotions. Some choose to lash out at their parents, friends or strangers. Others suppress their anger or apprehensions of blame and fault. Children are torn in their minds believing they have to decide between the two parents. Tangibly being pulled; not understanding what has happened and wondering where they belong.
Marriage represents oneness and unity. When broken, as if a favorite piece of china has been shattered onto the ground. The surroundings change abruptly and if not cleaned up or somehow put back together; it can lead to shards of glass cutting away at the life that was familiar. Everyone's world is changed forever when this happens. Negative and positive effects can play out.
A child's self esteem could be at risk as they desperately look for direction during this transitional season. Asking serious questions, maybe even saying “Who will love me, for me?”
A sense of belonging is what these children need to survive as their world is turning upside down. Some parents fear that their children will hate them or possibly lose them to the other parent. Children might learn to manipulate the parents into getting what they want(such as a new toy or just having their way). Most parents desire to ease the child's pain and lead them to a successful transition.
Divorce is not easy on children. Adults that have walked through it as a child know. They have compassion for the ones new to the pilgrimage. There is an awareness and strength that these children will come out with when its all said and done. A mountain they will have climbed and not even realized it until they reach adulthood. The longing for completeness(a wholeness that brings comfort) is stirred up in them at an early age, yet they are a bit wiser. Young and searching: for wisdom, longing for acceptance.

I allowed it to happen

So I allowed you to come in. I allowed you to stay.
I let you use me in every way. Now I have nothing left to give, nothing more to say. I'm washed and worn, no longer available to understand pain. Numb is what you might think. Yet, there was a time when I was a child and everything was okay. Death becomes us, now I just sit and wait.

Where am I

I am desperate. Desperate to feel love, to feel like I belong, to not fear. I'm completely vulnerable and raw. Honestly the only desires I have are to be in the presence, the unspeakable peaceful presence of the one that lets me melt in His arms. I am not afraid to say these things out loud or allow them to hit like lightening onto paper. Because this is where i am.

Not throwing rocks

In church this morning I heard the comment, "We are not a church that throws rocks, we throw grace." My church took a run down abortion clinic last year and flipped it for an organization that takes struggling mothers in to smother them with love, aid them with parenting classes, and supplies to equip them(diapers, strollers, and such). I thought how cool, what a way to be Jesus! Church let out and I ran to get the kids, because I had to teach yoga. They were not in the best of moods, so fights had to be put out all day. This is why I made sure to fit a swim in. I wanted the frustrations of life to evaporate, wash off of me as I swam. It seems as if I am not as strong as I want to be. I am not the testimony I used to be. I assume this position of victim. I attempt to refuse this character, yet I am struggling to even smile. I desire to be light, to be the one that encourages and loves without any borders. Yet, I am completely run down. There are moments I surrender to the negativity, and find it difficult to see any end to this hell we walk through during some of the stages of our survival here. Geez, this is NOT the blog to read if you want to laugh....am I right. I will say that my children are the only reason I get through most of my days. One minute your fussing at them for misconduct and the next, laughing uncontrollably because you recall doing the same thing as a child. For instance, the boys were on their walkie talkies the other day and I caught wind of the 'F' bomb. As I approached them, they swore they didn't say it and never would as they continued to enlighten me with their euphemism for it: F-L-O-C-K. As you can imagine, flock distorted over the radio into -you guessed it- the 'F' word. I lost it, I started snickering right in front of the boys. Then rolled into full blown laughter, they loved it and I wanted to hold onto that priceless, silly second for eternity. Now, for those of you that are horrified by my parenting skills due to your religious strongholds.....deal with it, go throw your 'flocking' rock somewhere else. Haha! Mercy comes in the morning, I need it, my children need it, don't we all need it? Of course none of us deserve it. I don't understand what you have been through, I only know of my pain. I am clueless to your addiction, your loss, your love, the depression, your hardships, your cancer, the walk you persist to persevere uninterrupted. Just know you will only receive grace from me, in the form of a listening ear or a bowl of soup, maybe with some ice cream or hot cocoa, if hugs are acquired -so be it. I am discovering that nothing matters except the nourishment humans need, to be fed: physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I have had rocks thrown my way, it sucks and I think it's flocked up! I have unfortunately thrown a few myself and beg for redemption. I enjoy this wisdom that parallels with age. Then again, maybe I'm just flocked up. If your stock is empty and you have run out, don't worry.....you can have my rocks. I'm done throwing, only grace remains here because I know it all too well.....when you have fallen as much as I have you see your weakness as an abortion clinic that needs to be flipped/revamped into something functional that loves people just the way they are(even on their bad days).

I don't want to move......

Today I am packing, packing my clothes, packing my kids toys, packing up my belongings that are scattered throughout the house. I've been in this house for a year and a half, moved here when my husband and I separated and my dad passed away in 2009. It is not just any house to me its the home where I grew up. My father and mother moved out in 2006, after 24 years dwelling here they finally bought their last home together. So, moving into this house was a comfort and a heartache at the same time. My mother extended a gracious hand to me and my children allowing us to gain some ground after the rough several years of transition. As of now, I am scared, lonely, and wishing for my knight in shining armor to rescue me. Knowing this will never happen, reality has set in. I am contemplating torn feelings of excitement and intimidation, from a new beginning in a new home with different memories to be composed, compared to fond flashbacks of precious childhood moments recaptured in my mind that somehow continue to hit the replay button. I need to move on, I am leaving a place of what appears to be so secure (I'm not moving far, I'll be in the same town), yet relinquishing the shelter that consoles my soul in my father's death is a huge endeavor. There are people who constantly tell me to "get over it, your dad is in a better place, move on Kara." That only makes me want to scream "I CAN'T HELP IT! I MISS HIM!" Ever feel the need to run and hide? That's what I want to do when I hear those bogus words from these heartless idiots! Well, that's only my fleshly emotions being verbalized, they really aren't heartless and they really aren't stupid. These people are concerned and maybe want the best for me, but I sense that only time will allow these wounds to scar. As of now, I do not need salt poured onto the recurring open wounds. To put it plainly, I have to grow, it is a fresh season in my life. I may not desire to move but, I need to. There are things we go through in this world because it helps us to become fully who we are. God have mercy on me for not having the rebound or recovery status as that of a touch of a refresh button on a PC. I have to heal, reach restoration, which means there is a process of mourning, nourishment and invigorating maturation.

p.s.
All background data & information pertaining to Kara's post is not published to protect the creditability of those that Kara dearly loves. She refuses to expose, bring to light others faults and weaknesses. Acclaiming she has more than enough for everyone!

Let go or crash

There are some things I can not seem to let go of.....have you ever felt that way? Maybe its a materialistic object such as that favorite Christmas tree ornament, that unforgettable photograph, or the incredible, soft t-shirt that fits like your skin. Perhaps its a memory that runs so deep it seems as if it was yesterday, or the scent of that certain someone you never want to have to live without.
Then there are times I feel as if I'm running on empty, you know the moment you look down to your gas meter as the car is slowing down and you realize you forgot to fill the car up with -what's that stuff called again- oh yeah, gasoline. Well, our bodies can totally relate, we require food and rest. When those are absent we tend to dry up like a worm on the sidewalk in the summer time. For the past 3 months I have battled strep throat, which took 3 rounds of antibiotics to finally shoot down and last week I finished taking steroids to help get over the bronchitis that was stealing my voice. So, what does not letting go of something, running out of steam, and getting sick have in common? Well, there are some things in life that if not let go of will only bring us unwanted stress and physical disease. It will only eat us from the inside, making us so delusional that we can't imagine living without it. I've felt that with working out, with a man, with zest for attention, and you know what? There came a time when those things lost their appeal, the candy didn't taste as good anymore. The appearance was so scrumptious looking, very tempting yet my thirst, my quenching wasn't being filled. I needed something real and satisfying, something that would last. I had to let go of the comfortable things, be sick of the attachments and how they drained my soul and body. To finally come to the place where I would allow rescue from the crash ahead, because I had not quite recovered from the one I was in prior.
Now, I KNOW. The only thing that I desire to not be without is Him: my lover, my best friend, my ALL. My God, He gives me peace, and all I have to do to get it is be still. I've been with, I've been without, I don't know how I've made it this far, but I have. I can only thank Him and the ones that allow Him to be used by Him. Some are clueless, don't even know He is using them for His glory.....those are the best! Merry Christmas!

i blog, why?

So, my blog is not like most of my friends blogs, actually it is nothing like any of my friends blogs. I don't describe my day with the kids, or work, or what I've been doing, keeping people posted on my life. I just feel like it would be boring and its been done(not really, my life is quite the juicy drama at times, but let's just say I'm boring for the sake of the point being made in this entry). I kind of skip straight to the core of how I am feeling, what I'm processing in my noggin, the ugly truth of what spins around in my head all day long. Reality, I am a bit ashamed of some of my days spent. I'm not the typical gal that is found in the local towns hyped up magazine plastered with plastic surgery ads right next to the articles labeled 'God Loves You Just The Way You Are' or 'I'm Incredible because I'm Popular!'
No facade here, no fake persona, no boob job(even though I would totally get one, if it was free and done by the best Dr. in the industry). I don't hide anything, shying behind my job, my kids, or my make-up. I let it be known that I'm completely human, I screw up miserably on an hourly basis. I love who I love deeply and passionately, I easily offer compassion only because I KNOW what it is like to desperately need and want it. I write some of my most hidden secrets believing that I'm not unparalleled. I understand that everyone is unique and struggles with certain shortcomings, yet getting down to the nucleus, the foundation, the nitty gritty- is something we all can relate to. It's the heart of us that longs for more. I sense my worries, at times, can be overwhelming. Somehow I muster through, I guess because I have witnessed so much pain. Not just my pain, yet the weight of the ones that surround me or the dear souls I've met throughout my journeys. Others that have been beaten for their faith, starving for tangible food, fighting against diseases, and living in constant physical or emotional agony. This is why I don't mention the details of my own personal hell that I'm walking through, because no matter the circumstance: it manifest from the root. The root of who we are and where(how) we grew up. If we see a need -why not fill it? Reaching out to another presence, touching them with something so practical that can bring hope in ways that we will never fathom. Trusting and waiting for the root to grow and blossom, not wither up and fade because it has been neglected. There have been some incredible peeps in my life and I praise God for them due to their outstanding principles and non-judgmental mentality. Honestly, I have a hard time grasping the fact that I was shown mercy by these beloved friends. Not everyone is kind, they were not shown how to be such a thing. This is why we go to the mark -where it all started. "Love, love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, love is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." I Corinthians 13:4-8
I'm not your typical southern, 34 year old gal with four kids and four jobs. I'm flawed and I know it, yet I can LOVE.....UNCONDITIONALLY LOVE because He does. My God is great, let me show it. My God is LOVE.

i hope you find yourself

i hope you find how to love
i hope you hope
i hope for you

you are created
that is enough
you are

He is
because He is
no life circumstance can steal your peace

do your work well
have joy in what you do
don't look for the fruits of your actions

don't be careless
but do be carefree
the Self belongs to no one but you

its in the essence we are one
but in nonsense we are many

with the right understanding
you are eternally free

Skeptical

At times, I fear that I have become skeptical of anything good happening to me. That I will never feel happiness or fulfillment in the form of exceptional health(quality of life), marriage, or sense complete peace with my job and financial status(providing for my family). Let's get real, I'm not the only one that questions this. As I struggle to be the best parent that I can be, I fail miserably in many concoctions. Then, if and when things are going too smoothly, I'm thinking in the back of my mind: "Okay, when is the big piano going to fall out of the sky and squash me?" Just like the old school cartoons!
I'm hesitant to celebrate, doubting the stars to shine in my favor. Yet, I know Jesus was not cynical or leery. This fabrication I've created in my psyche that nothing will remain positive, or be careful to not come across too exultant because at any minute the boogie man will run out to give you your death sentence, is an absolute a deception. Jesus was devoted to reconcile us to God. He was without doubt, assuring us that He was the way, the truth and the light. Nothing else should matter then, right? My flesh should not be of concern, concluding that there is some remedy for my need to rectify the decisions I've made. Acting out, postulating this is how it is. Pondering how you HAVE to go through hell because that is what this life is all about, gaining understanding so that we might desire heaven! No, flippin NO! That is not how God works. He is here with us NOW! God is bigger than my head, more enormous than any one's thoughts, vast beyond comprehension! We have no clue how amazing His love is! He adores when I'm flourishing, when we feel on top of the world. He aspires for us to see the obstacles in our lives and know they can be removed. He does scoop us up, if we allow him to, when we fall back and listen to that stinkin thinkin. Only to catch us and remind us, the best is yet to come. Don't settle for, or become to close of friends with, pessimism.

i don't feel so well

I don't feel so well at the moment. I am queasy and my head hurts. It could be that I am up at 2:30 in the morning and I need to get my butt into bed or it might just be that I ate too much ice cream. Actually, I smashed my face into the slide, while playing with my kids, at the playground this weekend. As if it was supposed to be synchronized for that exact moment, my son Andrew fell off the bars face first. There we were: both laying on our backs moaning from the pain asking if blood was pouring or dripping from our marks as my oldest son(Luke) says; "Whoa, I wish I could have recorded that! You should have seen your faces, you ate dirt at the SAME, EXACT TIME! That needs to be on America's Funniest Home Videos! We could be sooo rich!" Ha, I couldn't help but giggle through the throbbing aches. My children have humor, that gives me prospect.
Now(a day later), not only is my face too tender to touch, there is a perturbation that drifts in my existence. This disorder that disrupts and confuses me, frustrates the hell out of every strand of my being. I am fighting to descry the absolute positive, yet end up completely exhausted. What I am thankful for- is to feel this way, because the best of us fall down sometimes. We collide and suffer from the choices we have made. There were some crippling words exchanged with someone close to me today and I shed many tears not understanding this regrettable conversation. I fell, or shall I say I ran straight into a storm. Afterwards I stood in shock, in disbelief. This person has always communicated with me this way because I've allowed it. We were toxic towards each other and nothing was untangled, we left it as it was(a big pile of *fit your own word here*). I didn't use the humor that is embedded within me. I don't feel so well, because I can be better, I can do more, I can look for the silver lining, I can pass on an ardor worth sharing. Bringing light to a dialogue and not more headaches.