Finding Joy

me? complain? nah....

2012-02-02T23:05:00.003-05:00

yes, you read it right, i don't ever complain. bhahahaha.

i'm really hapi right now. it's weird but i'm totally hapi. i think i have some sweet angels praying for me or something. I feel like i am 21 all over again! its not a man, its not money, its not a new outfit, its GOD! his peace is real, his kindness is invigorating, his compassion is compelling, and his forgiveness is contagious! I love him and am stoked about what he is doing in me and the people i am around. i am blessed to have 4 sweet fun loving kids! they make me smile like i just won free rent for a year. Today, I paid the deposit for the Africa trip I'm going on in November and can't believe after 21 years i have the opportunity to finally go! this is huge and i can't wait! God has crazy amazing plans, i don't want to get in the way so i trust him. we each have purpose, this life may not be easy but all of us have a purpose! getting discouraged only waste time, because Jesus has already conquered this world and overcome death! what more proof do we need than seeing his glory ascend from the earth and soon one day to return? the more i read the word of God(Bible), the more i get excited! maybe its being in my thirties that makes me so thrilled to share & extend God's grace? Don't be too quick to judge, there are definitely days that i am overwhelmed and want to call it quits. Yet, I PRESS on. Pressing through something is not lightly done. Pressing a button takes effort, pressing a door open can acquire some leverage, pressing an object or someone aside requires strength. so, i do not take the word 'press' lightly when used spiritually. Philippians 3:12 states- "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." I continue on my path to see what he has in store and to discover what he will unfold/unpack before me. Pressing on and into him! I feel like he is cheering me on saying, "DON'T give up, I have NEVER & will NEVER give up on you!" His plans FAR out weigh mine! Psalms 118:5 "When hard pressed, I cried to the Lord; he brought me into a spacious place." So taking myself from feeling pressed in and upon, I press through with his will and not my own! And that is when he can bring me to the place where I can breathe.

John 15:13 says "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."

Stand in his presence, drink of his love, be intoxicated by the maker of heaven and earth! His love is better than ALL things!

broken

2012-01-30T08:55:00.004-05:00

I'm a little broken, let me rephrase that- I'm completely broken. I could try to say that my life is fine, everything will pass and be ok, but in the midst of a storm its really hard to feel safe. I keep thinking I can't do this anymore, I can't do this on my own.

Today, I woke up thinking how awesome, the kids and I got like 9-10 hours of sleep(this NEVER happens). I was quite pleased as a mom. Then the chaos of getting everyone dressed, fed, clothed, and off to school -on time- hit me like a punch to the face. The children arrived to school on time, I headed to the studio where I literally fall on my face before God and cried. Reason: a dear sweet friend of mine miscarried her baby last night. I begin to pray and am reminded of the scripture my Victoria love texted me the night before= "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."-John 16:33 The Lord Jesus told us you WILL have trouble, NOT maybe or there might be a chance of showers & storms yet- YOU WILL! Okay, so my day gets a bit hairier, Luke's school calls....he's sick. My mom saves me by picking him up. I run to tech to the math hub for some homework to be done and algebra to be understood. As I am finishing up the last 5 questions and get ready to pick up my other sweet babes I see an e-mail on my phone....its my instructor reminding me of a test that has to be finished by 8:30pm tonight. UMMM WHAT?!?!?!?! TEST? I was totally lost and baffled! I had no idea my first chapter test was due. I rush to pick up kids, forgot Eve's dance leotard so grab it from home and wha-la she gets to dance on time, then I rush back to school to pick up Andrew from chorus. I look at the clock its 4pm, I have 4 hrs to somehow get back up to tech to take the test. My faithful assistant covers the kids class for me at work and I arrive home to find my dogs have escaped. No worries, they return 30 minutes later with the help of my small hero- Luke. Yogini Brad calls to save the studio by covering my 6pm yoga class, I look at the clock its 5:15. Mom and Quinton hold the fort down as I take off back to the math hub where I ask this wonderful girl by the name of Courtney to lead me in her graphic calculator ways. I glance over, it's 7pm. So, I venture into the test room. I leave by 8:30pm. I can't believe how the day turned out, I didn't panic, I actually had peace. I wasn't worried, I knew what really mattered. God's plan matters, his kindness, compassion, and forgiveness -that's what matters. Arriving home at 9pm, food must be made and bodies must be washed, the kids & I read our Acts bible study at the dinner table to multi task. Eve falls asleep on the table, Seth not far behind, Luke has a meltdown but manages to carry Eve to bed, and Andrew lets Seth sleep in his bed. They are good kids, I know this, yet I wonder if we could have gone without the theatrical "I'm tired"- moments. Once again: PEACE -I have it IN HIM! The best part of my day was when a great friend sent me a song by the end of the night that put the biggest, silliest smile on my face (that wouldn't leave). Thank you Lord for providing your peace amongst this world full of trouble, most importantly thank YOU for having already OVERCOME this place! I have nothing to fear! I am not alone, you send help and friends when needed. Let me remain broken, that you may mold me into your likeness. I want to be compassionate, kind, and forgiving.....just like you.

i believe

2012-01-19T11:45:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow I turn 36, today I am in bed sick. I should be catching up on my algebra homework but for the time being I am laying in bed drinking echinacea tea with some local honey, ginger root, and garlic. Gross, I know, but I have a speaking engagement this evening. I can't blame anyone for getting me sick except myself. I rarely rest, I am exhausted. I feel the weight of a million things on my chest right now. People sometimes quote that ridiculous saying "God never gives you more than you can handle." The truth is -its NOT God's fault, we pretty much can screw EVERYTHING up on our on and take on too much. We think we are awesome and try to pull out that scripture that says "I can do everything through him who gives me strength"-Philippians 4:13. I don't believe that God meant to bite off more than you can chew. WHY? Because you will FLIPPIN choke, that's why! So, Kara has bitten off more than she can chew.....running a business, on-line school, four kids, writing, etc. etc. etc. -I'm sure I'm not the only one that has 15 gazillion things to accomplish in one day(that obviously needs more hours, right?).

I was chatting with someone the other day and felt the need to tell them:
"Lately I've been loving on people where they are at. I was very quiet for a few years and felt as if I could only handle my own personal hell (super selfish I KNOW) then last year I was in church one morning and realized my purpose here on earth. That is the kingdom of God, that's my purpose, to tell of His glory and for me to be grounded in Him because I am his, & he is mine. I am falling in love with him all over again! I'm not perfect, but I can relate to others. Its so cool to be in places where most christians won't go, I've seen more people come to Christ in 2011 than I have in the past 10 yrs."

That being said, I am still tired. I want to complain and have somebody pick me up and tell me its all going to be ok. Someone verbally confirm that the bills are going to paid, the kids won't turn out worse than they already are, I won't end up homeless, I'll meet the guy of my dreams(bhahahahahaha), and life doesn't have to be constant turmoil which leads to depression. Is that too much to ask?

Of course it is! This is why I should only have small proportions on my plate, it doesn't have to be full. Life happens and the single MOST important agenda is: God's kingdom. When I focus on that everything else seems to align. The kids don't talk back as much, an unexpected $100 shows up in the bank, an amazing friend watches the kids for me while I have to work last minute, and I find out the place I've been dreaming of for the past 20 years is finally going to be a destination point for me this year! When I cry like a girl God tells me to look up and believe. When I don't want to get out of bed he sends my kids in to push me out of it with laughter that makes everything seem new again. The moment I forget my purpose he shows me HOPE. I struggle, if it weren't for his amazing grace I would not be here. We ALL have a purpose and through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvations that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 1 Peter 1, great read! Give me more of Jesus, less of Kara so I don't have to fret or worry bout each day, yet all I have to do is BELIEVE!

i will never live up to your expectations

2012-01-02T23:00:00.003-05:00

My yard is a mountain of leaves -be careful not to get lost or fall in, dirty dishes, laundry that won't end, is dinner ready or the kids homework done? idk, idc........i just want to crawl in bed and go to sleep! Sometimes, when i write down my to do list, i jot down GO TO the bathroom or EAT to remind myself that I need to take care of me, too. Yea, i won't be able to live up to your standards, so go find another to make fun of or criticize. I barely can hold my head up long enough to breath.

Shady People

2011-12-31T00:48:00.002-05:00

Shady people hurt people
Which makes me grateful that I can slightly pick up on the shadiness
Although shady people are probably just hurt themselves
It all comes to a point somehow in the end

Some say my wall needs to come down
I'm not ready

This pain will disappear one day
All I need to do is trust fall
Right into my Daddy's arms

Because a shade can not catch you........

"It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in humans."
Psalm 118:8

2011-12-27T00:03:00.002-05:00

Some see me as annoying, some say I have too much energy, and those that cling to negativity -I really don't care to hear what they think of me. :) We all have different gifts, just read Romans chapter 12 in the Bible. For the longest time I felt I was never worthy, never good enough, and never going to make an impact. Then I constantly am reminded of how my children need to be held and appreciated, loved and told daily how God strategically created them. They have purpose, as I write that I sniffle because I have purpose. I am forever telling my son Luke how God doesn't make mistakes, how we can't disappoint him(because he ALREADY knows what will happen), and how crazy in love he is with us otherwise he wouldn't have sent Jesus. I am not amazing, my Father whom created me is amazing.....so I guess the fact that he that resides in me (as he becomes greater and I become less) -people might mistaken me as amazing. My humanness scares me at times. The bones in my closet aren't ones I want revealed to anyone so, if I share them with you, know I am being humbled and ready for you to see the glory of God in my life. It is His GRACE that has brought me thus far. Because if HIS grace is sufficient for me, then I know it is powerful enough for ANYONE!
God sees us as beautiful because we are His creation. As a mother looks to her child and sees the great qualities he or she has to offer so our Heavenly Father gazes upon us with pure delight.

Give me faith

2011-12-22T00:24:00.004-05:00

This songs lyrics wake and stir within me, I find myself singing them when I need Him:

I need you to soften my heart and break me apart.
I need you to open my eyes and
see that your shaping my life & all I am I surrender.
Give me faith to trust what you say,
that your good and your love is great.
I'm broken inside, I give you my life.
I need you to soften my heart and break me apart.
I need you to pierce through the dark and cleanse every part of me.
All I am, I surrender. Give me faith to trust what you say,
that your good and your love is great.
I'm broken inside and give you my life.
I MAY BE WEAK BUT YOUR SPIRIT IS STRONG IN ME
MY FLESH MAY FAIL BUT MY GOD YOU NEVER WILL
Give me faith to trust what you say
that your good and your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give you my life

Truth is I need Him to give me faith, I choose every step I take. Its not fun knowing that most of my life I made the choices that determined the outcome of everything that has unfolded. So here I am BROKEN, giving Him my life, my all. its so true that I may be weak and my flesh has failed YET His Spirit is STRONG and He NEVER will fail us! Finding Joy is finding God! I will write more on miracle #5, 6, and 7 next week. Until then, Merry Christmas!

Instead of the 12 days of Christmas, its the Miracles of Christ in my life!

2011-12-18T14:14:00.010-05:00

Today Miracle #4 happened! NEW SHOES for the kids!!!!

No more tears, just bewilderment of God's blessings.......my dad is smiling upon us and I can see him now with Jesus celebrating until we join. Continue to run the race! "Since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us strip off and throw aside every unnecessary weight and the sin which so readily clings to and entangles us, and let us RUN with patient endurance and steady and active persistence the appointed course of the race that is set before us! LOOK away from all that will distract us and turn to Jesus, who is the leader and source of our faith and the finisher. He, for the joy that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising and ignoring the shame, and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1-2

miracles

2011-12-18T01:32:00.005-05:00

The other day I facebooked "WOW, WOW, WOW! I'm blown away by God's miracles!" It's true, I am! 14 comments and 39 likes later some were asking "What's going on Kara?" Well, HERE IT IS! I might NOT have to move! I know what your thinking, whoop dee do.....but, I haven't gotten a roommate yet and that means not enough rent money. The miracles started occurring on Tuesday when I gave a massage, then the sweet friend took me to lunch which btw was amazing (Indian food)! When we were done I had to run to teach the kids yoga class, so she handed me the money for the massage -that I had already forgotten about because my tummy was extremely hapi. I placed it in my pocket, so when I got home later that night after my classes I pulled it out to discover that my gracious sweet angel of a friend gave me a 100% tip!
Thursday, my work day lasted until 8pm, when I finally pulled up to the house & looked through the mail I found miracle #2: a check for $250! As I am calling angel #2 to thank for the amazing answer to prayer, miracle #3 is beeping in. It was one of my private yoga clients stating they were home for the holidays and ready to start lessons ASAP! No one could possibly imagine the crazy joy that ran through my veins at that moment!
I am COMPLETELY blessed! I'm not worried wether the rest of my rent will come in or not. God has already taken care of EVERYTHING and will let me know in due time. God has shown me his unfailing love and incredible faithfulness. Last month someone gave us a huge gift of compassion by paying our December rent and the month before -groceries were found on my front door step. A lot of people don't realize how hard it has been for me as a single mother of four with or without four jobs and attending on-line classes. ALL I know is that I am thankful He sent his one and only son, I will continue to celebrate His goodness and mercies that are new EVERY morning! I love you God! Thank you for taking care of my family, I am NOT ashamed to tell of your kindness. Seeking Him and sharing Him (with or without words) is what its ALL about! Thank you for never leaving nor forsaking me!

2011-12-17T10:14:00.001-05:00

laugh or cry

2011-12-05T22:30:00.007-05:00

i think the choices we make reflect heavily on how our life plays out. your thinking "duh Kara, karma" -right..... for every action there is a reaction, for every choice made- a consequence is going to be revealed, what you DO NOW DOES matter because it contributes to the aftermath of your future. we all know this, yet why do we still struggle with doing what is right? some contemplate and imagine themselves perfect, then there are those that never see themselves good enough. mix the two together and you got Britney Spears. JK, jk, jk, jk!
i strive to be on time, knowing this shows respect and consideration for the people i'm meeting up with. THEN WITH-OUT FAIL, SOMETHING HORRIBLY WRONG HAPPENS! my clumsiness, in a hurry-ness, takes over and interweaves with my bad luck.... assuming i was really supposed to be born with the original Three Stooges. yesterday it was the plumbing, sewer backed up so no toilet flushing, washing dirty laundry, showers, basically the water was off limits. today i auditioned for the worship band at church, attempting to be on time i jump into the car and sit on a cup of water that one of the kiddos left for me. on stage, in my nervousness i fumble through my song, not once but twice. what do i do? i laugh, what is the point of crying? i find myself constantly laughing at my scenario or situation because if i don't i'll cry. i think i've shed enough tears for my entire family over the past several years with my fathers death, divorce, 3 computer crashes (losing my book each time), working 4 jobs to get food on the table for my 4 sugar plums, feeling overwhelmed with loneliness, and on top of all that- making bad choices by not aligning myself with the Word of God. Yup, i'm ready to surrender to HIS complete joy. God, i'm yours, right here, right now! most of the time my outcome could have been different but, what's done is done. if i slip up with my words or my actions, right there beside me are 4 sweet babes ready for the next adventure and comedy skit from their designated mother. life will never be perfect and i'm down with that......just can't wait to win the lottery(that is if i actually bought the ticket).

Hapi Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T09:10:00.003-05:00

I am still in bed watching two of the four of my sweet children sleep. They love crawling in bed with me and i can't help but enjoy their company. I just want to eat them up, attack them with kisses! Matter of fact, THAT'S how I will wake them up! Today is Thanksgiving day of 2011 and I, Kara C. Adams, am enjoying the quiet.....minus the sounds of snoring children. I lay here pondering how blessed I am. Yesterday a kind friend dropped off a Christmas tree, my kids were so ecstatic they refused to wait until today to put it up, so we were up until 11:30pm putting together this beautiful 7.5 ft tree. How crazy great everything works out! My two eldest boys are getting so big and I can't stop them! Andrew put half the tree together by himself, Eve handed us branches as she sang with her hapi heart, Seth crashed out on the couch asking questions, and Luke -well, Luke decided to have a time out in his room. Just the same, I am thankful for the chance to have four little helpers that are learning to love with HUGE hearts. My soul cries out with thanks on this beautiful day that i can celebrate not alone yet, with the ones i love most and God has entrusted me with.

2011-11-21T23:59:00.005-05:00

if i really share what i feel or what my mind is thinking right now -i just don't know if i really want people reading it. every time i come to my blog and the music starts playing -ALL i WANT to do is cry. thus explaining the 10 incomplete entries on my draft page of the edit post tab. this year has overwhelmed me: the car wreck, the studio, the kids having another woman in their life as a step mom, facing reality, blah, blah, blah, wha, wha, wha, wha...............
I'm incredibly and completely transparent right now, which is NOT always a good thing. i have some of the most amazing people in my life. first and foremost God is pouring out his unending grace to me through them. the words are hard to come by because there honestly are too many! friends showing up at the studio and buying passes, room mates keeping me company, sweet friends going to church with me(praying to receive Christ and getting baptized!!!!!), B- picking me up and wiping my tears the night i lost my self-respect and self-worth....i was untouchable/unlovable and you were the tangible comfort God sent to show me different, G- u been a best friend that listened and took action when you didn't have to, thank you H n B for feeding a single mother of 4! very humbling i must say, to the one that paid my rent for December....i can't stop crying -i was prepared to move into my car or the studio, Drena- for the opportunity to take on a second job while everyone is asleep. THANK YOU to these people for not giving up and insisting on HOPE! For those that say coincidence, no its not possible....there is a God that keeps me close to his chest and wrapped up in his arms. no one just takes care of some chic's rent or supplies her with groceries when she doesn't even ask. GOD uses us to share his goodness and doesn't ask for anything in return. we never can surprise God, he knows what's going down. only He can love us the way we need it, his grace is abundant and i am honored to be called His child, his daughter.

my hope is in you

2011-11-20T23:51:00.002-05:00

i want you Jesus, i want to know you beyond the church, beyond the prayers, beyond these four walls i live in.

Where do I start?

2011-09-27T00:08:00.013-04:00

I am falling in love all over again. It's completely crazy but I am stumbling over things, getting lost in my thoughts, finding myself tickled just thinking about him. The most amazing part is how he consistently pursues me, he calls me, he helps me with my kiddos, and he listens to my rash ravings when it appears that life is throwing dung at my face. He desires me and tells me of my beauty. The worth I do not see in myself is where he is patient enough to remind me. I'm not really familiar with this intense sweet aroma called love. But, I will take it!
I need to establish some soil before I go on. I am running a yoga studio in a small town located in South Carolina. This is not a very welcoming town when it comes to change, just ask the preacher's wife that told me a few years back: "YOU will NEVER have the anointing of God in your life if you leave your husband!" as I was going through a divorce. Change is not something that everyone enjoys, it occurs constantly -ie. 8 track to tape cassette to cd to ipod, vhs to dvd to blue ray, land line telephone to cell phones, change is never immediately accepted or embraced. Yet eventually people adapt.
Anywho, my life has drastically changed over the past 2 years, actually over the past 4 months. My wonderful kids still amaze me with their ever growing questions and enriching insights. I remain baffled on how this guy that I am growing incredibly fond of provides for me and gives me unlimited energy. He sounds great, right? If only I would be able to spend more time with him.........another blog/another day.
Oh yeah, soil. So, the ex hubby proposed to the chic of his dreams. She comes across as nice to my children but, what happens when she oversteps her boundaries?
Hold on, aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Okay, I'm back. I am not one that embraces conflict, I usually run in the opposite direction because I am a crybaby. Here's the scoop: as of the past 4 months I have totally been focused and wrapped up in my kids, my new business, and school. There really has not been a single moment to look elsewhere. All I desire to do is feed my kids and keep them under a roof. It's been tough! I share joint custody with my kids father so, their is no child support. Needless to say- we have two wonderful roomies that help pay the rent, so never a dull minute in our house of 7!
I recently learned from the children that the ex was living with his newly made fiance, they informed me that the air conditioner was broken at dad's house. After about 2 weeks of staying there I could tell how uncomfortable it was for them. They told me how confusing everything was, the divorce was final last year, the wound still fresh from the band-aid being ripped off. They didn't want to talk at first because they thought it was supposed to be a secret. I didn't bring it up and I didn't say anything. First: because I don't know how to explain the whole situation of living with someone your not married to. Second, I was constantly working to provide for them and get a vehicle.
Nothing is smooth for kids when it comes to divorce or death and my kids got slammed with both over the past 2 years. Well, the soon to be bride made herself comfortable by signing the kids work from school and sending me a schedule of who does what on this/that day with highlights of where I'm going to be. I take a look at it, roll my eyes, think to myself "mmm k, whatever." Then the continuous text from hell started blowing up my phone. Who cares that I was deep in thought working on my homework, or it was the hour before my deadline. I responded with the boundary line statement "you are not allowed to tell me or advise me what to do and I will have the same respect for you."
Why is it that we think the world of people when we are falling in love yet, when we are unsatisfied or not content, wanting/needing more we have no problem crushing others?
Yay, now remember how I mentioned that I'm in love. You guessed it: his name is Jesus, God in the flesh, he's the skip in my walk, the pop in my soda, the z in my sleep, and the grin on my cheek! He has been REAL to me, he has helped me see his grace through friends and people that have no idea how blessed I am to enjoy their presence because they ooze/overflow of his goodness!
All the messiness I'm plowing through right now may not seem like a blessing but, I have hope because I am loved by a lover that will never turn his back on me, by never leaving nor forsaking me!

Church

2011-09-13T08:41:00.002-04:00

Sitting
Enjoying
Breathing
Just being

Comfort
Safety

Am I strong?
Yes, with you beside me

Anything can be done
With you I am encouraged
Able to move mountains
With you, I am not alone
Standing ground

Walking
Talking
Door locking
Looking

Lost
Scared

Was it just a dream?
I am alone and hungry

Everything is overwhelming
People discouraging
If this is real
Wake me up
Or get me out of here

2011-09-03T19:29:00.004-04:00

Sometimes it feels good to be alone. After teaching today I painted a part of the studio that needed to be finished. At first I thought it would be nice to have company, then as I played some music I realized how beautiful it was to not have to say a word. I have been running from here to there, teaching, and doing homework. So, the stillness was quite becoming. It was in the stillness that I had peace. Reassurance from God, his love that overwhelms and bewilders me. I wasn't alone; He kept me company and I didn't want it to end. These are the moments we search for so we can feel refreshed. Lokaah Samastaah Sukhino Bhavanthu Om Shanthi Shanthi Shanthi

2011-08-30T23:23:00.002-04:00

What is this addiction I have of posting my most intimate thoughts in web space? I guess I fear if I do not put it out there it will stay within me. It might be that I am just reaching out to someone/anyone that will hear me. The strong independent single mom that comes across needing no assistance and can handle this life trusting God to no end -STRUGGLES! I am scared to death. I don't know how He does it but he does. God provides for me, more than enough! Yet, does this mean as I sit here bawling that I am capable of getting through everything this life will unveil. I signed a two year lease for my studio yesterday, WHAT was I thinking???? I didn't, I trusted as I trust every week that food will somehow magically appear in my fridge to feed my four precious babies. What really baffles me is tonight when I looked in my bathroom mirror to brush my teeth I didn't recognize the woman in it. I started crying and couldn't stop. I called out for my dad and of course there was no reply. Two years have passed and I still want to pick up the phone to call him and tell him I'm heading over because I'm frightened or I need him to watch the kids. He was there for me and directed me to Jesus every time. I am NOT okay! I am missing a HUGE part of my grounding. I'm not angry just completely lost on how to handle death so close.

Now the fun news: my ex-husband called me last week and informed me of his engagement, he said the kids were excited because they really liked his fiance. Yet as the week progressed the boys showed their concern. They now have more broken pieces to this puzzle they have to figure out called life. It was subtle but it was there. Originally, the southern red-neck Kara wanted to scream. I HATE the fact that another woman is going to act as a mommie towards my children. I do NOT like sharing, especially my children! She is a sweet lady, yet she has no idea the sweat and tears I've labored over each of my love bugs. The countless prayers for each of them and the precious moments that NO ONE needs to try to replace with new ones. This too shall pass. Yes, I wrote these thoughts out loud. I don't need to be consoled, just wanted to express it. I am not alone.

All some people interpret from my writings is blah blah blah blah. HAHA. I had to say it, I miss companionship. We were made for communion, not worthless attempts of single-hood. Why would God bother to create us if he couldn't hang out with us? Alright, I'm done venting, good night.

fist fight in a yoga studio......

2011-08-04T00:53:00.007-04:00

I heard a loud sound, like something big fell. i was teaching and yes, my children were in the next room. the BOOM that scared my sweet yoga students while in their shvasanna was the front door being hit, one of my boys hit it with his leg. he was pushed by his younger brother. the door is glass, so from bottom to top of the door there is this huge crack. looks classy after i painted the door to hide the damage. i love my life!

snuggle time!

2011-08-04T00:53:00.005-04:00

four kids: 11, 9, 7, & 5 plus me in a king size bed. Comfortable? NOT at all! yet, they are my kids and i love them no matter what. that's how my heavenly father feels about me. i can never disappoint him because he knows EVERYTHING that i am going to do. it always amazes me how HE loves me and it shows how he provides for me. I'm such a screw up, kind of feeling like no one wants me but HE does. watching my little ones sleep makes me want to kiss their adorable faces and hug them tight. Thank you God for wanting to do the same with me.

scared to death!

2011-08-04T00:45:00.006-04:00

I am incredibly scared. I have friends that never worry about anything and i have friends that worry about EVERYTHING. Me, i think i only worry when i'm tired and haven't eaten. How am i going to get through this? through this single parenting business? One buddy of mine says, "i think it's time to go jump off a bridge." Hmm, maybe not.

2011-08-04T00:42:00.004-04:00

Yes, I finally have a working car now. I am not very excited about this because with it comes a car payment. I am not much for the debt game, it took 10 years of a bad marriage to learn that. I need to shut the front door! STOP bad mouthing KARA!

35 cents

2011-08-01T00:09:00.009-04:00

Dishes are done, laundry is folded & put away, kids are in bed, lights are off and i am being naughty. Instead of reading, working, or sleeping.....i am on someones facebook page. I try not to get caught up in all that because i really do lead a busy life which normally gives no chance for play. As i gaze upon the endless web drama that floats into the great abyss -i am distracted. These past few months have been changing me. I am once again without a car. The only difference this time is the 110 degree heat index. People question me and ask "how do you do it? 4 kids, life, how do you do it Kara?" I honestly don't know, I just do. How does any single mom make it these days? How did my dad go through the hell he went through as he was dying from the brain tumor that consumed his life? A man came up to me and asked for 35 cents the other day and I thought "How can he do that?" Sometimes it takes losing everything to find yourself humbled and begging for 35 cents, what the hell can you buy for 35 cents anyway???? I often put myself in others shoes. What would make me ask a perfect stranger for change? I wanted to know what this man had been through, I wanted to follow him to see where he lived, to see if there was anything i could do to give him hope? Then it hit me how spoiled i am. Yes, i may struggle to provide a house and food for my children yet, I'm still spoiled. I am completely spoiled, I had ice cream today. My entire body is in pain from lack of sleep, yoga 4 times a day, bicycling around town with four children in ridiculous heat, & attempting to run a business. YET, I am a spoiled ROTTEN brat! These circumstances have changed me, I am content and not looking for someone to save me or secretly hoping to hit the jack pot(which btw I'm not objected to). We get used to/familiar with the circumstances we are faced with. Nothing amuses us or shocks us. Some may quote this mundane, but i say spoiled. Why do we act ruined, damaged, and useless? How could i turn that poor man away without giving him 35 cents? How, you guessed it because I'm spoiled. Walking the streets of my town I have become somewhat calloused. Not towards others yet towards myself. I deserve zilch. So what I constantly tell myself is "what i go through is nothing compared to what my Lord went through." Yea, I wrote it out loud.....I LOVE God, i know that I'm not the greatest person to represent Him -maybe that's why i love him so much! He takes me in just the way i am, with or without the 35 cents.

WOWZERS!!!!

2011-07-26T16:11:00.002-04:00

OKAY! Soooooooooo, I haven't been on to post anything since the end of May because I didn't know the password to my at&t e-mail account. Sounds retarded I know but I just spent an HOUR on the phone with AT$T! You can not use a g-mail account with blogger, UGH! I only use my google e-mail so the hour I spent trying to retrieve my at$t password is exactly why I have failed to get on here until now, I can NOT stand talking to customer service. PLUS, I won this contest that gave me free rent for three months in the downtown section of my residence. AHA! There it is, I, Kara C. Adams, opened up a yoga studio. Needless to say my schedule has been endless, brutal hours have been invested into my business(and not just by me but my children have also suffered). Actually, I have been able to enjoy my children more so it turns out it has been quite the blessing. That will be written in detail for my next blog. Just wanted to say "I'm back!" So watch out because you are about to get an ear/eyeful of two months from your fav deep thought drama mama: Yogi Kara! Holla sooner than later...........

Crazy!

2011-05-22T23:11:00.004-04:00

SO, I won this contest that gives you free rent and utilities for three months in the downtown area in my community. It's CRAZY! They expect me to get this place ready in less than a week! 5000 sq foot, ummmmm HELLO! I'll keep you posted of how I supposedly am turning this water into wine. Just to clarify, I have been blessed by the presence of some amazing people.....hence the pics!

guess what?

2011-05-14T22:47:00.000-04:00

what can i say?!?!?!?!??! come Monday it will be alright......

here i am once again

2011-05-10T22:12:00.006-04:00

here i am, once again. raw, rare, scared. i was teaching yoga today and realized how replaceable i am. i felt completely worthless for a few minutes, you see i work for this company that can just hire and train someone else to take my place, do my job. quite possibly, after about six months no one might even remember my name. so, for about 5 minutes i felt useless, substitutable, inadequate, and broken. then i heard something, or maybe the light bulb just lit right above my head. "Kara, YOU are NOT replaceable!"
in this world, yes- i am considered expendable. yet, when it comes to God's point of view of whom i am.....i am of extreme value. where is your worth? because right now, here i am once again. pouring my heart out to my Father and allowing Him show me His ways, not this world's.

I am His

2011-05-09T00:28:00.004-04:00

Yes, I am His. I am a single mom of four fun kids and I am His. I sat down at my dinner table earlier this evening and cried, I am His. I am nothing without Him. That's why it comforts me to say, "I am His." This past week I have transitioned into a new chamber of my life. It feels familiar. I know its new, yet it just gives me a sensation of peace. Like its okay to be here and it feels right. The struggles I have had over the past few years has moved me into this new place. Learning to be still, not freak out. Grasping onto patience and not getting caught up in the heat of the moments where it would be easy to stay stagnant. All that matters is "I am His."

Complete

2011-04-29T01:36:00.002-04:00

I am not complete.
I want to be.
I am not yours to keep.
Yet, I want to be.
Free indeed.
Now leave me be.

Dear Daddy

2011-04-26T00:54:00.005-04:00

Hey Dad,
I know its your birthday on Wednesday and I wanted to wish you a wonderful one. The kids miss you tremendously, they are getting so big. Eve still asks to see you! When Luke and Andrew get upset thinking about how your gone, I just throw out a funny memory of yours. We all giggle and remember you with a heap of loving fondness. Seth is.....you know- Seth. He is kind and gentle at times which reminds me of you, only 7 and he is constantly looking out for me. I wanted you to know how much you are missed, you should know of the people that you brought life to! I love you dad!
I'm investing in a surf board this week in honor of the day you arrived here on this earth. I can't wait to get out on the water.
Thank you for loving me unconditionally, you weren't perfect (no one is) but, you loved me no matter what. I miss our talks, or shall I say my ramblings that eventually ended with my thousand interrogating questions of what you thought. And my never ending demands of your life story or what you wanted if this or that happened in an imaginary scenario. You will always be favored and honored here in this heart. You pushed though and I pray for the grace to do the same. Thank you.
I love you and refuse to say good bye. Yes, I will continue to take comfort in:
"See you later,"
Kara (your Christine)

To be perfectly honest

2011-04-21T21:22:00.003-04:00

I will be perfectly honest, I cried a lot today. My sweet room mate is hitting hard times with her car and I know what that is like because I was without one for 2 months prior this month. Another dear friend of mine is literally watching her daddy leave this earth. I ache for her, because I know this pain all too well. Watching a loved one die is heavy on the heart, indescribable. There are no words for comfort. Dad's birthday is next week and it still feels like yesterday. I keep telling myself this will all pass. I keep trying to imagine that life does have its beautiful moments. Yet, all I can do is cry. I'm not like this every day, but I was rejected by someone today and my devastation volume is stuck- I can't seem to turn the knob back down. All I desire to do is crawl into a corner and be wrapped up by the only one that can comfort me. Allowing God to tell me that I am worth more. I'm wanted and it's all right. Oh well, this is me -being perfectly honest. Tomorrow is a new day and I will not have to see this day again.

Content

2011-04-04T21:51:00.001-04:00

For the past few days I have been reading a passage from the Bible that hits me in my gut every time. I can't stop coming back to it, its like one of those songs you hear and it keeps playing over and over again in your head.

Philippians 4:4-13
4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
10 I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

it's been a month

2011-03-24T08:26:00.013-04:00

yes, it's been a month since my wreck and i know nothing else than to be brutally honest. For one month i have been bumming rides for my kids to get to school, hitching rides to work that is 30 minutes away, and biking everywhere else. i hate complaining; a good friend of mine told me how i was complaining lately and the truth stung like an allergic reaction from a bee sting. i am tired, tired of asking, tired of working, tired of biking, tired. i don't like asking for help and i don't like feeling like someones charity case(prideful? maybe). i do not delight in I. i am not satisfied with I. Frankly, i want to tell I to get the hell out of here! People have been incredibly patient with me. Friends have sacrificed for me. Its funny how some of us see people struggling and easily instinctively lend a hand, yet when we are the ones that are fighting for hope -we cowardly shy away from the kind generosity extended by others. Almost like a dog that has been beaten for having had an accident on the floor and scared to come back into the house. We have not been beaten, yet we have been shaken. Shaken by life's unexpected hailstorms. This explains why I want to be quiet lately and wait, desperately attempting to cut out the selfish "I". Watching what has happened to Japan with its huge tragedies, my worries can not compare. Those that are suffering are terribly shaken, rocked to the point of no return. They are not dealing with hailstorms, they have been crashed over by a tsunami. A horrific pain that eats the soul of anyone standing in its path of destruction. What really is precious in your life? What matters most to you? Do you have that gift near you, that price-less son, daughter, mother, father, brother, sister, friend? It's not about the siuations, the unexpected hailstorms that will continue to sweep through as we live on this earth. It's about the tsunamis that knock us off our feet and wake us up to reality, what really matters most. My relationships with the ones I love consist of a substance that can not be replaced. This, I can take to the grave with me. I am done, done with "I." Welcome joy, welcome reconciliatinon! Laughter, love, brokeness, amazing comfort. Here it comes.

What Just happened?

2011-02-26T22:42:00.018-05:00

Nothing ever goes as planned. I started my day yesterday waking up thinking I was going to get my list done. It was a simple list: get the oil changed in my car, take my glasses back to the store to be fixed, grab a new phone at at&t(mine decided to give up), wash my car(he hadn't been cleaned in 3 whole weeks), be at work by 10am, and pick the kids up by 2:10pm. It started with me not wanting to wake from my slumber. The night before I was up late finishing my research paper due the following day. My body was not quite ready for Kara mode yet.
You see, this is not the normal me. I usually have energy, but lately I've been lacking in that department due to the demands I've placed upon myself. I thought that being a mother of 4 wonderful children and managing 4 jobs to support them was not exactly enough, so I applied to be a full time student! Four classes on-line hit just the right spot, to insanity that is.
I started feeling the extra cushion on my hips last week. The tightness of my favorite jeans didn't keep me from rolling into my local Krispy Kreme(with the HOT NOW sign lit) after work and right before bible study. I am less into getting to the gym to work out and more into my studies and work schedule. I am officially now a curvaceous woman and okay with that. What on earth does this have to do with the picture of the totaled car above? Well, everything! I didn't plan on putting on 10 lbs since the new year started. I didn't plan on being a 35 year old single mom, I never planned on losing my father to a brain tumor, I never hoped to lose friends along my journey in this life (I only thought we gained them), and I did NOT think when I woke yesterday morning that I would ever end up -upside down in my 7 month old Prius.
As I left the house I saw that it was already 8:45 so I told myself what is the ONE thing on your list that must be done. It was the phone, I needed a phone for communication with the important people in my life....my kids. My T-mobile phone totally got an attitude and called it quits. I have been with them since Suncom(16 years), I wanted a change. As I drove up to the AT&T store I was the first customer there. The lady was super nice and even nicer when she realized who my mother was. My mom is the phone "go to" lady at Dixie Cup. She helps deal with the more than 40 cell phones they have through AT&T. I just wanted my McLeod employee discount, I love not paying full price for things(I have to, I have 4 kids and I live in SC- please). I couldn't transfer my phone numbers from my t-mobile phone over to my new at&t phone. I was used to no communication from the previous days(where my phone blacked out and I couldn't see text or make calls), so I just threw the my new phone into my car and took off for work.
I was about half way to work and ready to teach my yoga class. It was raining and there was more traffic than usual. I thanked God for the encouragement from the night before. I expressed my desire to know him and told him how lonely I was. I was thankful for everything he has been teaching me and then it happened. The truck to the right pulled out in front of me to pass the mack truck he was behind. I pushed on the brakes to slow down and not hit him, but the wheels kept turning and I was not slowing down. I refused to hit the back of him so I veered to the left because the mack truck was beside us. I hit the grass on the median and thought to myself: "this is not going to be good." There was a small ditch that bounced me off the grass and onto the on-coming traffic. I didn't want to get hit so I started to turn my steering wheel, my car wasn't on the ground quite yet, so when it did land at the angle the tires were -my car turned over onto the side. I put my arms over my head as the car started to flip and feel the pavement impacting from every angle. Glass was shattering all around me. It was then I knew I was okay. I wasn't scared, I knew I was in the right place at the right time. I didn't see my life flash in front of my eyes, it was as if God was saying "It's not your time, yet." I felt peace, I honestly felt as if someone was holding me in place. You see, I don't remember putting my seatbelt on. I admit that I hate wearing a seatbelt and usually only do when my kids are with me. I even got a ticket the month before for NOT wearing a seatbelt. Anyway, when the car stopped spinning and I was hanging upside down I thought to myself "How did I get buckled?" "what am I going to do? I don't know anyones number and I don't even know where my phone is." I unbuckled and gathered my belongings when I saw feet through the window. Then the voices, "Are you okay in there?" "Oh my gosh, she's moving around in there!" "Do you need help getting out?" I crawled out of the window on top of all the shattered glass and hugged a beautiful woman by the name of Carol. Carol looked at me and we knew each other. She told me "what a miracle!" "God has got a purpose for you." The ambulance arrived and took me to the hospital on a back board because my neck and head were throbbing. I kept thinking how am I going to pick up the kids? As they rolled me into the emergency room all I saw was the ceiling. Then I saw Bill. Bill is a dear friend that has probably been through about the same amount of crap as I have. He works in the ER and we go to the same church, Newspring. He happens to be in my Bible study. I started to cry a little. I thought I was going to have to be alone in this crisis, yet God had made sure I wasn't. Bill called my mother for me and my ex-husband, so he could pick up the kids, in case something went south of the border. Yea, I cried. I got all sissy like and let the tears salt up my face. It was when nobody was with me, but yes I cried. Eventually, I thought of my kids and smiled big! I am thankful, thankful to have this chance, thankful for life, thankful. You see, I never planned this life, but He did and I'm cool with whatever he has in store for me. I had to slow down, I was told to remain still until everything checked out okay. It is in those moments when we can hear Him clearly. If your staying busy to keep your focus off of something, be careful because you might end up with one of these "What just happened?" moments.

speak to me

2011-02-18T00:45:00.002-05:00

speak to me
speak to me now
i'm lost without your voice
without you is to be without direction
to not feel your breath upon me makes me hunger for more
more of you
less of me
for you to be in my veins
and never have you out
so that all i taste is you
inside my mouth

to be one and feel you completely
speak to me, make me absolute

you are the only one i have ever loved
you are the only one that has returned love

hold me until i pass
pass through this nonsense
this lewd creation

Hey, hello, anyone? anyone?

2011-02-13T21:35:00.003-05:00

Okay, I should be doing my algebra right now, but I HAVE to let this OUT!!!!! Not that it really matters, right? I can't imagine anyone addicted to my rantings. But, today was soooooo good! Church made me happy to be alive. I guess it really wasn't church that did it. It was God.
Pause:
There are times when I'm super overwhelmed and I fear that I haven't done my best as a person, a woman, a mother or just point blank I haven't been true to whom Kara is. To tell this in a series of events so that someone might understand it all.....I will start with this past Thursday night. I had some peeps over from church and we got into the ramblings of why doesn't the church do enough? Why do most Christians ignore the needs of others all around them? Pointing fingers, tongues full of accusations, and not daring to make a difference in their communities. I, doing what I do best, defended each side. People are wrapped up in their lives, taken away by their to do list, hurting deep within themselves due to unwanted hits of life(death, divorce, financial loss, etc.). Most humans can't see past their own noses because of the inward battle and consuming agenda they have calculated as their world. Knowing it will fall apart if they wake up from this glorified temple they have righteously built on their own terms. Because if they (I really should use- WE) step into the awareness of living in this world then WE would see with our own eyes the difference that just ONE of us could make! Unveiling our self absorption to discover THIS is where I am supposed to be! I am HERE to bless, I am HERE to give HOPE, I am HERE for a FREAKIN REASON!
YES! Today I feel like I woke up! My kids need me, I need me. I LOVE what I do. I love the people I know. I make a difference.
For the past month since I moved (into my new home) I have wanted to somehow serve the homeless man that lives literally 20 steps away from my back door. After an amazing, encouraging, word from this mornings service, I stopped procrastinating. I MADE my children gather all this man's belongings, which were wet clothes scattered amongst the ground. We threw away some of the trash that was near his resting spot. For the next two hours my roommate and I washed this man's clothes that consisted of 2 pair of jeans, 6 shirts, 2 shorts, 3 pair of underwear, 2 pair of socks, a washcloth, and a towel. I drove my children to the store where we bought him a $4 plastic bin to hold his belongings. Andrew and Luke paid for a drink with 102 pennies each, the clerk's remark under her breath how she wasn't a piggy bank didn't even phase my children. We neatly folded his clothes, rolled them into his new green container that hid perfectly in the wooded area he returned to every night. I didn't have much, but what I had -I shared: strategically placing 6 granola bars, 2 gatorades, 6 slim jims, 1 apple, 1 orange, a package of ritz crackers, a water bottle full of water, alongside my roomies 3 cans of soup she placed in this man's new camouflage bin.
We don't know if this man will hate or appreciate our gesture. You never can tell, I've talked to many homeless people before and they(like us) are human.
He might be pissed we moved his things, he might not be and maybe even happy his clothes are free from dirt and smell slightly better. I just know that he is a man, a man that needs hope, just like us.
I always say, "If I could only do more....." Well, from now on, I'm not just going to pray about it, I'm going do it. Some things in this life don't need prayer, they just need action.

Cell Phones While Operating A Motor Vehicle

2011-02-13T20:23:00.001-05:00

People catch up with friends by means of text messaging or voicemail, read and reply to e-mails, set up or cancel appointments on their calender, Google their favorite song, play electronic games, read daily horoscopes, check bank account balances, and use GPS to map where they are going. Each of these activities can be achieved on the modern day cell phone and in a matter of seconds. Should this be justified while driving? After all, only thirty states, out of the fifty that contribute to create the United States of America, ban text messaging while operating a motor vehicle. There is not one state that bans all cell phone usage to drivers.
Eleven of the thirty states, that banned text messaging while driving, only enacted their laws in 2010. Is it really progress that only eight states (California, Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, New Jersey, New York, Oregon, and Washington) outlaw the use of hand-held mobile phones while driving?
It is extremely important to pay attention while driving. Distractions while conducting a motor vehicle can be life-threatening. It merely takes a second for a driver to slam on their brakes to avoid a possible accident, hitting an animal or perhaps even worse- someone's child. In the hustle and bustle of our daily lives we are consumed with getting from one place to another; during this process we attempt to accomplish as much as possible. Being accustomed to a convenient lifestyle welcomes the stress of responding quickly and the pressure to keep up with technology combined with everyone's expectations. These type of calls should “wait until the customer is safely parked on the side of the road, or out of their cars.” (Kelsey)
At the University of North Carolina Highway Safety Research Center it has been found that talking on a cell phone while driving, you are four times more likely to be in a crash. Research says that it can be the same risk as if being in a crash with a drunk driver. Drivers are allowing their attention to be split, it is not necessarily holding the phone, but it is your mind and focus being diverted elsewhere.
Statistics show that sixty-one percent of the twenty-eight million Verizon subscribers use their cell phones purely for personal reasons. (Cronkleton) In 2009, a study by the Harvard Center for Risk Analysis estimated six percent of vehicle crashes, causing about 2,600 deaths and 12,000 serious injuries a year, are attributable to cell phone use. The Congressional Chartered National Safety Council's president and chief executive, Janet Froetscher opines “It's not just what you're doing with your hands- it's that your head is in the conversation and so your eyes are not on the road.” (FoxNews.com)
So where are the modern conveniences this amazing technology of tomorrow is taking us? Is it consuming our world to the point where we are risking our lives and the lives of others in daily traffic? There must be a change, an awareness, to be in the moment of the driver's seat and not elsewhere. Accepting responsibility is a huge part of the awareness that needs to take place, meaning that driver's need to take ownership while in transit. It is agreed by the Governors Highway Safety Association that dangerous driving can take place while on a cell phone. The task is ridiculously challenging to enforce a ban on drivers using cell phones, when drivers will not admit they have been on the phone in the first place! The likelihood of the drivers who are in accidents, even with fatalities involved, are scared to speak the truth of how the accident occurred.

Their Whole World is Changed: The Effects of Divorce on Children

2011-02-05T18:05:00.001-05:00

“SHUT UP! MOM IS BEING NICE! WE WON'T BE ABLE TO GO TO THE PARK IF YOU KEEP RUNNING THROUGH THE AISLES!” Luke screamed as the tears rolled down his face. Not only was he angry at his brothers and sister for not listening to their mother, he was frustrated with feelings he couldn't describe. He was hurting; his emotions were all over the place. A simple trip to the grocery store was like a pilgrimage to the Ganges River from Bombay. Yet, his journey was not alone. Luke had two brothers and one sister that he loved dearly but, he could not control them. Four small children between the ages of ten and four were tired, confused and overwhelmed with a sense of loss. The loss of a family, loss of comfort, and a loss of hope that their parents would ever get back together.
Sadly enough over sixty percent of divorces have children. Many people claim how the children are the innocent bystanders that have to suffer their parents creation of a destructive family. There are arguments of why the family should stay together or, why they need to separate. Whatever the reason from adultery, financial status, domestic violence, or sexuality indifference; divorce happens. It is unfortunate for children to experience such hardship, yet thousands upon thousands go through this pain every year. Children of divorced families plow through perceptions of insecurity, instability, loneliness, sensing neglect and acting as if they have been abandoned.
The effects of divorce upon children can be harsh. Reactions occurring through means of hostility justifying the child's outlet for his/her emotions. Some choose to lash out at their parents, friends or strangers. Others suppress their anger or apprehensions of blame and fault. Children are torn in their minds believing they have to decide between the two parents. Tangibly being pulled; not understanding what has happened and wondering where they belong.
Marriage represents oneness and unity. When broken, as if a favorite piece of china has been shattered onto the ground. The surroundings change abruptly and if not cleaned up or somehow put back together; it can lead to shards of glass cutting away at the life that was familiar. Everyone's world is changed forever when this happens. Negative and positive effects can play out.
A child's self esteem could be at risk as they desperately look for direction during this transitional season. Asking serious questions, maybe even saying “Who will love me, for me?”
A sense of belonging is what these children need to survive as their world is turning upside down. Some parents fear that their children will hate them or possibly lose them to the other parent. Children might learn to manipulate the parents into getting what they want(such as a new toy or just having their way). Most parents desire to ease the child's pain and lead them to a successful transition.
Divorce is not easy on children. Adults that have walked through it as a child know. They have compassion for the ones new to the pilgrimage. There is an awareness and strength that these children will come out with when its all said and done. A mountain they will have climbed and not even realized it until they reach adulthood. The longing for completeness(a wholeness that brings comfort) is stirred up in them at an early age, yet they are a bit wiser. Young and searching: for wisdom, longing for acceptance.

I allowed it to happen

2011-01-25T23:32:00.003-05:00

So I allowed you to come in. I allowed you to stay.
I let you use me in every way. Now I have nothing left to give, nothing more to say. I'm washed and worn, no longer available to understand pain. Numb is what you might think. Yet, there was a time when I was a child and everything was okay. Death becomes us, now I just sit and wait.

Where am I

2011-01-09T01:50:00.002-05:00

I am desperate. Desperate to feel love, to feel like I belong, to not fear. I'm completely vulnerable and raw. Honestly the only desires I have are to be in the presence, the unspeakable peaceful presence of the one that lets me melt in His arms. I am not afraid to say these things out loud or allow them to hit like lightening onto paper. Because this is where i am.

Not throwing rocks

2011-01-02T22:49:00.003-05:00

In church this morning I heard the comment, "We are not a church that throws rocks, we throw grace." My church took a run down abortion clinic last year and flipped it for an organization that takes struggling mothers in to smother them with love, aid them with parenting classes, and supplies to equip them(diapers, strollers, and such). I thought how cool, what a way to be Jesus! Church let out and I ran to get the kids, because I had to teach yoga. They were not in the best of moods, so fights had to be put out all day. This is why I made sure to fit a swim in. I wanted the frustrations of life to evaporate, wash off of me as I swam. It seems as if I am not as strong as I want to be. I am not the testimony I used to be. I assume this position of victim. I attempt to refuse this character, yet I am struggling to even smile. I desire to be light, to be the one that encourages and loves without any borders. Yet, I am completely run down. There are moments I surrender to the negativity, and find it difficult to see any end to this hell we walk through during some of the stages of our survival here. Geez, this is NOT the blog to read if you want to laugh....am I right. I will say that my children are the only reason I get through most of my days. One minute your fussing at them for misconduct and the next, laughing uncontrollably because you recall doing the same thing as a child. For instance, the boys were on their walkie talkies the other day and I caught wind of the 'F' bomb. As I approached them, they swore they didn't say it and never would as they continued to enlighten me with their euphemism for it: F-L-O-C-K. As you can imagine, flock distorted over the radio into -you guessed it- the 'F' word. I lost it, I started snickering right in front of the boys. Then rolled into full blown laughter, they loved it and I wanted to hold onto that priceless, silly second for eternity. Now, for those of you that are horrified by my parenting skills due to your religious strongholds.....deal with it, go throw your 'flocking' rock somewhere else. Haha! Mercy comes in the morning, I need it, my children need it, don't we all need it? Of course none of us deserve it. I don't understand what you have been through, I only know of my pain. I am clueless to your addiction, your loss, your love, the depression, your hardships, your cancer, the walk you persist to persevere uninterrupted. Just know you will only receive grace from me, in the form of a listening ear or a bowl of soup, maybe with some ice cream or hot cocoa, if hugs are acquired -so be it. I am discovering that nothing matters except the nourishment humans need, to be fed: physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I have had rocks thrown my way, it sucks and I think it's flocked up! I have unfortunately thrown a few myself and beg for redemption. I enjoy this wisdom that parallels with age. Then again, maybe I'm just flocked up. If your stock is empty and you have run out, don't worry.....you can have my rocks. I'm done throwing, only grace remains here because I know it all too well.....when you have fallen as much as I have you see your weakness as an abortion clinic that needs to be flipped/revamped into something functional that loves people just the way they are(even on their bad days).

I don't want to move......

2010-12-26T15:49:00.002-05:00

Today I am packing, packing my clothes, packing my kids toys, packing up my belongings that are scattered throughout the house. I've been in this house for a year and a half, moved here when my husband and I separated and my dad passed away in 2009. It is not just any house to me its the home where I grew up. My father and mother moved out in 2006, after 24 years dwelling here they finally bought their last home together. So, moving into this house was a comfort and a heartache at the same time. My mother extended a gracious hand to me and my children allowing us to gain some ground after the rough several years of transition. As of now, I am scared, lonely, and wishing for my knight in shining armor to rescue me. Knowing this will never happen, reality has set in. I am contemplating torn feelings of excitement and intimidation, from a new beginning in a new home with different memories to be composed, compared to fond flashbacks of precious childhood moments recaptured in my mind that somehow continue to hit the replay button. I need to move on, I am leaving a place of what appears to be so secure (I'm not moving far, I'll be in the same town), yet relinquishing the shelter that consoles my soul in my father's death is a huge endeavor. There are people who constantly tell me to "get over it, your dad is in a better place, move on Kara." That only makes me want to scream "I CAN'T HELP IT! I MISS HIM!" Ever feel the need to run and hide? That's what I want to do when I hear those bogus words from these heartless idiots! Well, that's only my fleshly emotions being verbalized, they really aren't heartless and they really aren't stupid. These people are concerned and maybe want the best for me, but I sense that only time will allow these wounds to scar. As of now, I do not need salt poured onto the recurring open wounds. To put it plainly, I have to grow, it is a fresh season in my life. I may not desire to move but, I need to. There are things we go through in this world because it helps us to become fully who we are. God have mercy on me for not having the rebound or recovery status as that of a touch of a refresh button on a PC. I have to heal, reach restoration, which means there is a process of mourning, nourishment and invigorating maturation.

p.s.
All background data & information pertaining to Kara's post is not published to protect the creditability of those that Kara dearly loves. She refuses to expose, bring to light others faults and weaknesses. Acclaiming she has more than enough for everyone!

Let go or crash

2010-12-22T01:28:00.002-05:00

There are some things I can not seem to let go of.....have you ever felt that way? Maybe its a materialistic object such as that favorite Christmas tree ornament, that unforgettable photograph, or the incredible, soft t-shirt that fits like your skin. Perhaps its a memory that runs so deep it seems as if it was yesterday, or the scent of that certain someone you never want to have to live without.
Then there are times I feel as if I'm running on empty, you know the moment you look down to your gas meter as the car is slowing down and you realize you forgot to fill the car up with -what's that stuff called again- oh yeah, gasoline. Well, our bodies can totally relate, we require food and rest. When those are absent we tend to dry up like a worm on the sidewalk in the summer time. For the past 3 months I have battled strep throat, which took 3 rounds of antibiotics to finally shoot down and last week I finished taking steroids to help get over the bronchitis that was stealing my voice. So, what does not letting go of something, running out of steam, and getting sick have in common? Well, there are some things in life that if not let go of will only bring us unwanted stress and physical disease. It will only eat us from the inside, making us so delusional that we can't imagine living without it. I've felt that with working out, with a man, with zest for attention, and you know what? There came a time when those things lost their appeal, the candy didn't taste as good anymore. The appearance was so scrumptious looking, very tempting yet my thirst, my quenching wasn't being filled. I needed something real and satisfying, something that would last. I had to let go of the comfortable things, be sick of the attachments and how they drained my soul and body. To finally come to the place where I would allow rescue from the crash ahead, because I had not quite recovered from the one I was in prior.
Now, I KNOW. The only thing that I desire to not be without is Him: my lover, my best friend, my ALL. My God, He gives me peace, and all I have to do to get it is be still. I've been with, I've been without, I don't know how I've made it this far, but I have. I can only thank Him and the ones that allow Him to be used by Him. Some are clueless, don't even know He is using them for His glory.....those are the best! Merry Christmas!

i blog, why?

2010-12-19T01:10:00.010-05:00

So, my blog is not like most of my friends blogs, actually it is nothing like any of my friends blogs. I don't describe my day with the kids, or work, or what I've been doing, keeping people posted on my life. I just feel like it would be boring and its been done(not really, my life is quite the juicy drama at times, but let's just say I'm boring for the sake of the point being made in this entry). I kind of skip straight to the core of how I am feeling, what I'm processing in my noggin, the ugly truth of what spins around in my head all day long. Reality, I am a bit ashamed of some of my days spent. I'm not the typical gal that is found in the local towns hyped up magazine plastered with plastic surgery ads right next to the articles labeled 'God Loves You Just The Way You Are' or 'I'm Incredible because I'm Popular!'
No facade here, no fake persona, no boob job(even though I would totally get one, if it was free and done by the best Dr. in the industry). I don't hide anything, shying behind my job, my kids, or my make-up. I let it be known that I'm completely human, I screw up miserably on an hourly basis. I love who I love deeply and passionately, I easily offer compassion only because I KNOW what it is like to desperately need and want it. I write some of my most hidden secrets believing that I'm not unparalleled. I understand that everyone is unique and struggles with certain shortcomings, yet getting down to the nucleus, the foundation, the nitty gritty- is something we all can relate to. It's the heart of us that longs for more. I sense my worries, at times, can be overwhelming. Somehow I muster through, I guess because I have witnessed so much pain. Not just my pain, yet the weight of the ones that surround me or the dear souls I've met throughout my journeys. Others that have been beaten for their faith, starving for tangible food, fighting against diseases, and living in constant physical or emotional agony. This is why I don't mention the details of my own personal hell that I'm walking through, because no matter the circumstance: it manifest from the root. The root of who we are and where(how) we grew up. If we see a need -why not fill it? Reaching out to another presence, touching them with something so practical that can bring hope in ways that we will never fathom. Trusting and waiting for the root to grow and blossom, not wither up and fade because it has been neglected. There have been some incredible peeps in my life and I praise God for them due to their outstanding principles and non-judgmental mentality. Honestly, I have a hard time grasping the fact that I was shown mercy by these beloved friends. Not everyone is kind, they were not shown how to be such a thing. This is why we go to the mark -where it all started. "Love, love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, love is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." I Corinthians 13:4-8
I'm not your typical southern, 34 year old gal with four kids and four jobs. I'm flawed and I know it, yet I can LOVE.....UNCONDITIONALLY LOVE because He does. My God is great, let me show it. My God is LOVE.

i hope you find yourself

2010-12-11T20:07:00.001-05:00

i hope you find how to love
i hope you hope
i hope for you

you are created
that is enough
you are

He is
because He is
no life circumstance can steal your peace

do your work well
have joy in what you do
don't look for the fruits of your actions

don't be careless
but do be carefree
the Self belongs to no one but you

its in the essence we are one
but in nonsense we are many

with the right understanding
you are eternally free

Skeptical

2010-11-29T01:40:00.007-05:00

At times, I fear that I have become skeptical of anything good happening to me. That I will never feel happiness or fulfillment in the form of exceptional health(quality of life), marriage, or sense complete peace with my job and financial status(providing for my family). Let's get real, I'm not the only one that questions this. As I struggle to be the best parent that I can be, I fail miserably in many concoctions. Then, if and when things are going too smoothly, I'm thinking in the back of my mind: "Okay, when is the big piano going to fall out of the sky and squash me?" Just like the old school cartoons!
I'm hesitant to celebrate, doubting the stars to shine in my favor. Yet, I know Jesus was not cynical or leery. This fabrication I've created in my psyche that nothing will remain positive, or be careful to not come across too exultant because at any minute the boogie man will run out to give you your death sentence, is an absolute a deception. Jesus was devoted to reconcile us to God. He was without doubt, assuring us that He was the way, the truth and the light. Nothing else should matter then, right? My flesh should not be of concern, concluding that there is some remedy for my need to rectify the decisions I've made. Acting out, postulating this is how it is. Pondering how you HAVE to go through hell because that is what this life is all about, gaining understanding so that we might desire heaven! No, flippin NO! That is not how God works. He is here with us NOW! God is bigger than my head, more enormous than any one's thoughts, vast beyond comprehension! We have no clue how amazing His love is! He adores when I'm flourishing, when we feel on top of the world. He aspires for us to see the obstacles in our lives and know they can be removed. He does scoop us up, if we allow him to, when we fall back and listen to that stinkin thinkin. Only to catch us and remind us, the best is yet to come. Don't settle for, or become to close of friends with, pessimism.

i don't feel so well

2010-10-10T02:38:00.012-04:00

I don't feel so well at the moment. I am queasy and my head hurts. It could be that I am up at 2:30 in the morning and I need to get my butt into bed or it might just be that I ate too much ice cream. Actually, I smashed my face into the slide, while playing with my kids, at the playground this weekend. As if it was supposed to be synchronized for that exact moment, my son Andrew fell off the bars face first. There we were: both laying on our backs moaning from the pain asking if blood was pouring or dripping from our marks as my oldest son(Luke) says; "Whoa, I wish I could have recorded that! You should have seen your faces, you ate dirt at the SAME, EXACT TIME! That needs to be on America's Funniest Home Videos! We could be sooo rich!" Ha, I couldn't help but giggle through the throbbing aches. My children have humor, that gives me prospect.
Now(a day later), not only is my face too tender to touch, there is a perturbation that drifts in my existence. This disorder that disrupts and confuses me, frustrates the hell out of every strand of my being. I am fighting to descry the absolute positive, yet end up completely exhausted. What I am thankful for- is to feel this way, because the best of us fall down sometimes. We collide and suffer from the choices we have made. There were some crippling words exchanged with someone close to me today and I shed many tears not understanding this regrettable conversation. I fell, or shall I say I ran straight into a storm. Afterwards I stood in shock, in disbelief. This person has always communicated with me this way because I've allowed it. We were toxic towards each other and nothing was untangled, we left it as it was(a big pile of *fit your own word here*). I didn't use the humor that is embedded within me. I don't feel so well, because I can be better, I can do more, I can look for the silver lining, I can pass on an ardor worth sharing. Bringing light to a dialogue and not more headaches.

I feel

2010-09-30T08:33:00.001-04:00

I would rather feel something than nothing: to feel terrible lets me appreciate the wonderful, seeing the worst helps me stand in awe of the beauty. To taste the poorest gives purpose to the most delicate of dishes, sweet aromas re-fuel the memories of our most treasured moments. Receiving comfort in the form of a joyful noise, brings us to adore the music made throughout this journey. Breathing life, not death...through our actions, our words and our thoughts restores the human soul.

I de-activated my facebook account

2010-09-26T21:58:00.010-04:00

The coolest thing about facebook(FB) is that you are never alone. If your bored -post something and watch to see if anyone comments, if your having trouble sleeping -stalk your friends walls, if your seeking a relationship -send a message to your high school sweetheart or crush, if you need to procrastinate -gaze upon the thousands of photos that are posted by your friends. Basically, FB is a temple where you can go to step out of reality, get away from your stress, build yourself up, a web world where you can play games, seek ideas of what life is in theory by hundreds of people that you somewhat know. It can be used as a substance that will distract you from the finer things in life. My hypothesis is: we as the human race can, and choose to, be addicted to ANYTHING. We enthrall ourselves in hiding. We hide behind our clothes, our make-up, our jobs, our FB status, our fitness level, our food, our televisions, our alcohol, our drugs, our marriage, our school work, our every day addictions.
I recently de-activated my FB account, I'm sure it didn't offend anyone or my friends didn't take notice because of the endless activity that you can maneuver in the FB world. Yet, I encountered insignificance and it was great! I welcomed self, I embraced awareness. It was substantial to my spirit to know I was running from one thing to another and not gathering my thoughts. Being distracted with obstacles, entertaining myself and forgetting about my purpose, my goals. I necessitated a time to be alone, a period in my life where I felt as if I was at a stand still. I honestly believe I heard a voice saying, "God wants you, Kara. Be alone with Him." Me? There are billions of people on this earth, and God desires me? A scanty, petty, anthropoid that gets on some peoples nerves with my hyperactive energy, really? I admit it, I'm a spaz that likes to experience fun in life. But, I am complex and have multifarious faults. Half the time, that is all I recognize....my indiscretions. No matter, He...the most high, is waiting for me. To just be with Him and be still. His love is unending and His grace overwhelms my soul.
So, for a season, I am resting in just living in the moment. Away from FB, the phone, the t.v., the stores, the music, the objects that keep me tangled from enjoying life! The twinkles in our existence such as: watching the yellow butterflies that appear in September, the laughter and hugs I share with my children, the constant challenges I face as a parent and discovering new ways to maintain a positive outlook, the joy in knowing someone loves me unconditionally!
I may activate my FB account again, yet only to share this very post. Peace out...breathe life, speak truth, love more.

Selfish love

2010-09-26T00:13:00.005-04:00

You can love and do so with every fiber of your being, yet to experience that same love reciprocated is another matter of its own. I watch people loving in theory by walking it out through their actions and emotions, yet I question is it real or just another beautiful performance? There are those of us that love unconditionally throughout our whole lives, always allowing others to be first....using kindness and compassion, coming across as self-less. Then for a brief moment, we take notice of ourselves, reaching to take care of self, attempting to enjoy self. What occurs next? Ridicule, accusations, brokenness. Others that have shame riding on their shoulders, bitterness in their brow and jealousy in their jaw shun us. We took notice for a period in time to gain knowledge of who we are, how to let the self express its awareness and focus on the hope of regaining energy, strength, or endurance so that we could somewhat provide our compassion. Comprehending that hope is what we long awaited for, living a sacrificial life. Pursuing the only one that can heal and provide for us, giving us EVERY need. Desiring an utopia, a destination that feels secure, a home like no other. God is with us, whether we choose to believe or not.

Can I even do this?

2010-09-12T00:47:00.004-04:00

I can't really express what I truly want to say. If I did many would be of grave concern. I want to breathe, yet through the tears I am stumbling to. It is intensely hard to live and live fully when you are searching for light and hope. There will always be someone acting vindictive towards you or pushing you away as if you are used toilet paper. Life is not easy! Life is HARD and if it wasn't it wouldn't be worth living. My father fought to the very end of his life, he fought to breathe, he fought to smile, he fought to live and live as joy to all he met. He did not boast of his troubles to everyone around him. He shared by listening and doing.
I am tired, I feel so useless, yet I see my children and something buoys me to press on. I love them deeply and desire for them to see the very essence of God. The thing is, you might not find God in a church or places where people go searching for him. We find him in the heart of the broken, in the lives of those that have lost everything and surrender, having discovered his undeniable grace.
I will NOT share the pain I've been through or the rough times I plow through, because in those moments I would cry out for God: to heal me, to save me, to let me know that everything was going to be okay, that I would survive, that I wouldn't be alone, that I would be comforted.
We will face trials throughout our lives, I do not know how it will all panel out.....I just know that even with a dying sentence my father pressed on. I know people that have been through hell(physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually), it's a mystery to me at times how they cope. Here's the thing, when we suffer, he suffers. When our hearts ache, he is right there aching with us. I don't always understand why, but Abba loves us unconditionally -no matter what. I just know that I need that.
That's what my dad knew too. He knew people needed to see and feel God, so he listened and gave what he could through his time, through his work, through his obedience to God by listening to others and genuinely caring. Can I do this? Can I even attempt to pick myself off the floor, from my self-pity and selfish puddle of tears? I HAVE to, this life is worth it. My children deserve to know the truth. That love exists.

Why I love to surf

2010-08-25T00:11:00.008-04:00

Yes, that is what I wrote, why I love to SURF. This past weekend I was blessed with the opportunity to learn how to surf. I woke up when the tide came in approximately around 5:45am. I did not have much sleep from the night before so I was literally pulled out of bed. When we arrived on the beach it was light out yet the sun was nowhere to be seen, the dark clouds were in the way. I imagined the water to be cool, yet it was perfect. My friend took off running into the ocean with their board, jumping onto it and paddling out into the water. I felt half asleep as I attempted to wrap the band around my ankle. I skipped over to the waves crashing onto the shore and realized I was finally doing it, I was going to accomplish another task off of my 'To Do' list. Number 13, on this list that I created when I was 20 years old, meant more to me than just marking off another goal. It hit me hard from the gulp in the back of my throat to the pounding in my chest. The very reason #13 was in my life expectations of goals to accomplished before I die was due to my dad. He surfed when he was younger, I cherished the stories he told me of riding the waves, the jelly fish stings, and how he and his twin brother shared a board because they only had one. He motivated me to one day try this en captivating sport.
So, there I was, a young-looking 34 year old woman staring out at the ocean ready to ride a fierce form of creation. I was ready, I thought to myself: "If my dad did it, so can I!" It was as if he was there, telling me to "Go for it!"
I ran in, hopped on, paddled out, caught glimpse of a wave forming, swam with it, pushed myself up and fell....then I did it all over again. Hit my head, hit my ribs, got back up, got knocked down again by the beastly crash of the water. Then it occurred, on the third try, as I jumped up onto the board: I had balance, I had strength, I was doing it, I WAS SURFING!!!
It felt amazing, to be guided on something so uncontrollable and so free, that at any moment it could throw you off or you could lose focus and slip. I continued to ride the waves throughout the next hour and a half. The sun came up from the outskirts of the waters horizon as the clouds moved. It was brilliant, God was there, creation was sharing its incomparable peace. Dolphins were jumping in the distance and the sound of the ocean was washing over my heart, restoring me. Yes, I will return to the water, this is why I love to surf. When I sleep - I dream of this, when I wake - I long for this. My God gives peace like these waters and He beckons my soul.

Tinkerbell

2010-08-01T00:41:00.004-04:00

Tinkerbell(my daughter Eve)'s birthday was this Saturday. She is my little lion, her sign: Leo. I cherish how she plays with her dolls as if they are real, crawls in my bed when she gets scared, makes up songs about where we are going in the car, orders her three older brothers around, plays with my hair and tells me she loves me at least three times a day. It is quite amusing how my children do certain things to keep my heart feeling fluttered with joy. I am still amazed that I'm a mother and have the opportunity to experience such satisfaction. There is nothing on this earth that can describe the gratitude of a mother's heart. Don't get me wrong and think how cheesy I may be coming across.......my kids misbehave and I am very humbled at times when we take that awful trip to the grocery store. For goodness sakes, I have three boys- that should be enough said. They fight, they call names, they struggle sharing, and they are mine. At the end of the day they always ask: "Where is my hug and kiss, Momma?" Nothing can replace those tiny voices requesting for love and nothing can stop me from freely dispensing it.
My baby girl turned four and was so excited about it. She could hardly wait for her guest to arrive. She explained how all of us would be wearing a tiara, Seth objected after I explained what a tiara was. Eventually, everyone showed up. As the children sat at the table, my lovely friends and family were my aid to host the most adorable tea party in honor of Tinkerbell. Little teacups served with apple juice or hot tea, butter crackers and cookies, fruit and veggies with dip, and yummy birthday cake, it was a young girls delightful event. It was my little girl's day and I was so proud of her. Tinkerbell reminds Peter Pan(me) and the lost boys(her brothers) that you need pixie dust to fly; that there is plenty of time to grow up, so use your time wisely being in the moment- that you can take notice of all the small things in life that keep your heart pure. To sit and have tea, to enjoy the company you are with, to sing when you feel like singing, to never stop telling the ones that are closest to you how much you love them. Thank you Tink, the lost boys and I enjoy the pixie dust you sprinkle in our house and all around.

Picture Perfect

2010-07-13T10:05:00.011-04:00

I thoroughly enjoy watching people. I could sit/stand in a mall, parking lot, or an airport all day long just staring at people. I guess its natural, we are designed to examine each other. When I’m observing mere mortals amongst the paths I cross, I become fascinated with the characters they portray. As if judging them on their looks or the way they carry themselves is going to tell me anything. This will scratch the surface, entertaining the shallow end of life. One can have a demeanor that gives me a tiny clue to what is occurring at that moment. Their countenance may speak volumes and their personality may be quite charming(or not), yet what is the depth of their identity? How can I recognize what lies beneath? Am I attempting to gaze past appearance and search out ones soul, and if I did, will I remove a covering that I didn't realize was there. Will it bring into light someone I can relate to? If I explore his/her authenticity, will I learn of compassion and not so much self absorption? To conceive some obnoxious idea that I understand where someone is coming from is absolutely absurd. Yet, judging another by their actions is even more preposterous! Fact; I haven’t walked in their shoes, I haven’t experienced their pain, and I don’t know what they have been forgiven of.
I can only master my response, which is determined to be one of peace.
There is no perfect human because all are flawed. Every single one of us has something that shines upon our imperfections. If we strive for picture perfect, all we will find is misery. So, should we embrace one another in honesty by saying: show me your pain, your damaged goods; to discover God within us, telling us: “I will show you the way, the way to be free.“ Free from bondage, suffering, facades, anything and everything holding us back from our fullest potential. He is our picture of perfection- that gave his only son as a sacrifice, that we might LIVE, and live abundantly! I adore people watching, what more fun is there than to see His glory, His workmanship!

A year without you.......

2010-07-11T12:08:00.003-04:00

It has been a whole year without you, daddy. I didn't cry today, until now - when I finally had a moment to myself. I know people have been thinking of me - I felt it, thank you to those who sent beautiful thoughts my way. This past year has been difficult, I miss you more than my emotions can express. The life you lived inspired and encouraged me. Without you, I've struggled to find my own way. Now and from this moment on, I will choose to live and love fully, so that my children may experience your acceptance. Your heart will live on, the love and peace you gave so freely. I love you daddy and you will be forever remembered. I'm not letting go of you, your within my heart and I will see you shortly(yet seems like a lifetime for me). Earth is only the beginning of our journey.

home

2010-06-28T08:43:00.004-04:00

Home, such a small word with a huge definition. A dwelling place, habitation, shelter, point where you reside, residence, refuge, destination, goal, a person's native country, a principal base of operations, the place in which one's domestic affections are centered, house, apartment, family, household, and we've all heard that old familiar term: "home is where the heart is." This weekend I had the opportunity to visit some of my family, my father's twin brother and his wife. I explained my excitement through a post on my facebook page that read: "I LOVE family, so comforting and reassuring to rest within such a safe place....family." All I wanted was to feel loved and not seen as a hindrance or some sort of nuisance, where I could be entirely real, completely raw and just me. To be perceived as someone that belongs, remembering where I had come from, where my roots were and how I was established. Home is the original location where you are accepted no matter the cost of what you've done or have become. It's where you can settle and exist without judgement or fear. It really has no set ground, it simply could be a person that makes you feel at home.
Maybe at times, we as individuals appear nostalgic or come across as fungible? We don't always explore our value and that is an easy way to lose sight of home. I realized I needed to surround myself with home. Getting back to the basics and embracing an atmosphere of reassurance, confidence, and a dwelling where I can aspire to be.........me. When we are home, we are allowed to comprehend and visualize the truth. Occasionally, we get tangled up in the negative, the past, the pain, the lies that surround us when we lose sight of home. Yet, all we have to do is make one phone call or reserve one flight(or shoot, just do what I did - hop in your car and take off) and we can be right back at home. Home gives us the ambition to live and live wholeheartedly. Home is not here on earth, its our destination.

i miss u

2010-06-22T21:31:00.006-04:00

I was standing up in worship on Sunday during church, it was Father's day. The kids and I made rice krispies for their dad, so I dropped them off early that they could celebrate. I hurried through the slow motion traffic of my town to church, the band 'Mercy Me' was leading worship. Then they sang the song, the song that made me bawl like a baby! The song my dad introduced me to about 8 years ago, the one I put on his Memorial dedication video. This is the song that made me desire to hide my head in shame by wrapping my forearms around my head. I didn't want anyone to know, not only that I miss my earthly father yet I miss my heavenly father. I cried, skipping my breath with tears. "I can only imagine," really? Why that song on that day? My first Fathers Day without my daddy. Almost a year has passed and I'm still completely feeling the depths of my dad being gone. I miss you, I miss the very essence of you. I will never be the same, life without you is different. Not only are we apart, but the distance between God and me appears too much. In reality He is with me, this very instant. Yet, as humans we separate ourselves from Him through sin. But, His grace saves me like a strong man pulling me out of drowning waters. He speaks, knowing I desperately yearn to be comforted. Continue to love me Lord, that I might experience your hunger to fulfill my joy.

When do you stop?

2010-05-29T21:15:00.006-04:00

So, when do you stop caring? Is there an appropriate time in your life that you stop caring for someone? Especially when this person has hurt you over and over again? I really don't know how to answer this one, because of who I am. I am not the type of person that gets burned easily. I play with the heat, I find it entertaining, discovering all its benefits (how it happens, functions, grows, dies, etc). Which is why I find it so challenging when I get burned because I learn to appreciate something about the fire or the person that reminds me God created this for some apparent reason. I watch it for quite some time, then allow my hands to warm up.....eventually my arms, torso, legs and feet are found enjoying the heat. Then it happens, I'm toasty. I feel completely warm and fuzzy all over. Within the snap of a flicker, I hear a "POP!" I start crying because - what do you know: I'm burned, my skin is stinging and I am in pain. Now, what do I do? I jump up and down, shout out how much pain I'm in, then start to run cool water over the burn. The throb is real, the scar is forever embedded on my skin and I am left thinking how and why did I allow this to happen? This occurs the same as the people in my life. I give them access to see me for who I really am and take pleasure in the warm, tingling sensations throughout my soul anticipating their presence. I'm not awaiting the discomfort, yet the flicker begins and the first degree burn hits me unexpectedly. I'm hurt by someone that I acquiesced passage into a doorway of my life. Then, as if the first degree burn wasn't enough, I act as if I'm resilient in more ways than one and grant permission to love AGAIN the people that tend to have an incurable history of burning bridges. So, not only do I end up with second and third degree burns, my awareness is heightened to the point of filtering everyone to where I come across as numb. These people require attention that I, alone, will never be capable of providing. There is an approach to reach out to them, but it is not for the faint of heart. I still believe -no matter how hard it gets, no matter who has enabled suffering into your life and through the sorrows we bear -that we are not to encounter vibes of elimination. I have committed horrible actions in my life, I am unworthy of anything good, yet God's perception of me is full of hope, full of grace, full of LOVE. This is why I love, why I get burned, why I trust that I can fall into a million pieces in His lap and identify with ALL mankind. So, when do I stop caring? I don't, my Lord has never given up on me. Why would I give up on you, He NEVER will? His love is enough, He laid His life down to prove it. I'm still here, scars and all. The numbness eventually dissipates and I am ready to love again. I am only strong because He has shown me His strength through all the layers of skin I have had burned. I'm forever weak and afraid, yet there is comfort in standing up after every burn knowing others have felt the flames too.

Who will love me for me?

2010-05-10T02:53:00.004-04:00

What does love really mean, as I hear this song I contemplate whether I stand in faith or confusion. This may sound crazy, but at times I get suspicious and frustrated that I am too friendly. Do I stand my ground or am I allowing people to take advantage of me? I love smiling and birthing laughter in other faces, yet when I tend to open my heart to let my Creator shine through....its as if I become some sort of a target.
I walked into church this morning and could not, for the life of me, stay. It was Mother's day and I let my spirit be captured, against its will to find that I was caring about others judgement of me. So, hearing this song that repeats over and over, "Who will love me for me? Nobody has shown me what love really means." I exhaust myself with tears, all my life I have lingered and rested my head on His chest. Lately, not so much. Who will love me, not for what I have done or what I will become? Only one can, his name is Jesus. I am independent because I was blessed to have an incredibly strong mother. I do not ask for help and I always find ways to make ends meet. Yet, my faith feels thin. My belief is weary of his chest. I am terribly lonely and want a love that loves me for me. As of right now, I will sit and hope for love. To see it in others, to not be so friendly, to escape from here and now. I ask who is a free person? The one who is interested in liberating himself or herself from self-made bondage. It is completely in our hands whether to be bound or free. It is within my journey whether I will choose to love me for me and allow others to do the same.

yada yada

2010-05-07T00:34:00.002-04:00

Life is challenging
Some make it
Some fake it
There are those of us....that just barely survive
Keep on, keeping on!

All I thought, was a lie

2010-05-06T23:22:00.003-04:00

Yes, it seems I have misplaced my self-esteem. I don't think I really had it in the right place to begin with. I took for granted the things God has blessed me with. I let my heart be trampled on because I trusted lies. My world was shaken and I saw things through foggy glasses. I misread what truly was there. Beauty is what was before me, yet I saw a worthless, insufficient and useless piece of the puzzle. How amusing that my mind played games as if I was defective. It is not enough to see myself as invaluable or for someone to take so little account of me. We are priceless, whether you like it or not we are created in God's image. We can deface others or have people treat us less than what we are worth.....BUT how does that honor the creator? When we mock others or laugh at our insecurities what does that say of our trust in Him? Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT settle. The world and its enticing dreams will fade away, it will only last for a while. Then what is to become of us? It is so easy to be distracted, yet only God can restore us....bringing us to his lap for rest. All I thought was a lie, I saw ugly....he saw lovely, I saw disappointment...He saw grace, I saw hurt....he saw hope. I am of incredible worth, I belong to Him! He created me in His image, one that is pure, brilliant, and unique. Let Him remodel your thoughts so that the lies will cease and you may accept what is honestly there reflecting in the mirror before you.

Comforting Arms

2010-04-26T00:45:00.004-04:00

I am up, unable to sleep and my thoughts rest on my faith. Do you question things? Like why things happen the way they do or wonder where is God in the mist of my sorrow or pain? I have been there yet, right now I feel as if I'm a ship lost in the storm. My compass is broken and my eyes are tired from the constant rain beating down on my face. I can no longer strain to see past this darkness and I'm weary from the waves crashing against me. I attempted for so long to hoist the sail and get through this storm, but it shall not pass. Atleast, until I realize I'm not the captain. When I let go and sit with the cold, harsh wind hitting my body I want to cry and pretend its all a nightmare. I know how I got here, I don't expect anyone to rescue or lend me a hand. My life has been just that: MY life! I didn't want to be the first mate, I wanted to be captain. I wanted to steer, I wanted to call the shots. Now, the storm is too much. I am overwhelmed and unable to focus. This is where I decline and inform you that I don't care anymore. Everything serves in time. Life continues to happen and I choose to rest. I'm done living in storms, I surrender to a place where grace wraps around me like a huge, fuzzy blanket. Where I am accepted for just that, accepted. There is this comfort that comes from a hug, not just any hug, but one that eases your tears, allows your shoulders to sink low and your head rest upon the chest. I imagine His comforting arms to be exactly that, and then some. Afterall, He is the captain! He is the most qualified, and doesn't take it personal when we get lost. He is there NO MATTER what we have done, to embrace and if we choose he will show us how to sleep in the eye of the storm.

It's true

2010-04-23T23:09:00.002-04:00

I'ts true, we all struggle, some keep to themselves and few choose to boast. I will just say: "Help me with my unbelief Lord."

It's all in my head

2010-04-19T23:15:00.002-04:00

I tell myself to be happy even under the circumstances. It really is all a mind game. To see the horizon for what it truly is and life as the greatest journey before me. Embrace love unprejudiced, expecting nothing in return. These lessons learned are forever embedded in my head.

This is what its like

2010-04-13T23:12:00.002-04:00

I am missing you daddy! I can't seem to help but wonder how things could be different if you were still here. I'm tired daddy, where can I lay my mind so sleep may come? Yet, I am forever thankful for the times we shared, for the memories I now treasure and the laughter you brought to me and my children. I am blessed to have had such a wonderful dad. Not many get to experience the love of a kind and compassionate father. Whether it be the love of a mother, of a sister, brother, friend, aunt, uncle; whomever it is that has shown you that love exist, cherish them and the seconds you hold together. For this is what its like when they are gone, an empty spot inside you that can never be filled again. I am comforted to know he lived and lived fully, he loved unconditionally. He accepted people where they were at and did anything for them. This is how Jesus loves and how we can see that love is real. Smile, because someone loves you and you too can love.

April showers

2010-04-08T22:59:00.003-04:00

At the end of this month is my father's birthday, April 27th. He would have been 63 this year. Not a day has gone by where I haven't thought of him, since his death. I miss him. He taught me so much; to see both sides of the story, to help others in need, how to laugh when it gets hard, to work, to appreciate what you have, and be the best at anything you put your hands to because doing so gives glory to God. He was a mighty giant, he was a warrior. He was my hero! April showers bring memories of my unforgettable father, so if you notice a tear or two from my eyes it's because I miss my hero. My dad was the BEST dad!

I thought I felt you smile

2010-04-06T23:23:00.001-04:00

It was a Monday night and I had to teach yoga. I was overwhelmed with this incredible joy. The room felt thick and full of beautiful energy. It was as if you were there daddy. As if you were smiling at me. I couldn't stop smiling, I was so content to feel your presence. Then the tears of joy wanted to let loose, but I knew my class would not understand. So I held back the tears and just smiled.

Okay, so that's NOT my name

2010-03-28T00:59:00.011-04:00

I love teaching aerobics, I find it amusing and ALWAYS entertaining. Although lately, I have been getting in quite a bit of trouble at work so, it hasn't been the same. I've had to, how can I put this lightly, contain some of my energy. I have NO clue (hehehe) who keeps ratting me out. Could be a member at the gym or a fellow co-worker, whoEVAH it is- I would enjoy sharing a few choice words with. I am laughing writing this because my motto, when I teach lately, has been to not share my real name during class. I introduce myself as Linda or Stacy, yet when I'm really feeling frisky I use a fellow instructors name. People that are acquainted with me and have been attending my classes let out a giggle or two. It totally makes my spirit light up because it reminds me of that song "That's Not My Name." Which brings me to my incredible, intense point. The song quotes: "they call me Stacy, they call me her," whatever it is they call her she claims "That's NOT my name!" In life, people assume that they know me or think that they know me because they know my name or what it is that I do....in actuality they have no clue. Truly, there is only one that apprehends me. Yes, it's God. Honestly, who else could know us inside out and still want to be with us? Some read my blog and say I'm hurting or sad, the fact is I'm plowing through, attempting to understand why and how I can get to utopia. It is NOT our job to know other peoples business or meddle in their lives trying to create more tension. We are here to know God, to share God, once that happens we will be with Him forever. So, until then.....that's not my name.

So Much More

2010-03-23T12:11:00.015-04:00

There is so much more to this life than we can fathom. I needed a laugh today & someone made it happen. I know through my struggles & weaknesses that there is always hope. It may not feel as if it is there or even around the corner, yet it is. Last year when I lost my father to cancer I didn't feel an ounce of hope. As much as I prayed & cried, I felt completely alone. Sometimes, I still feel utterly isolated, unmatched, unaided, and as someone that deserves to be left desolate. Unremarkably, our creator has a totally different view of things. His perspective of me (of you) is profoundly and passionately intense to the point of Him sacrificing the most beloved gift known to mankind: His son. We are valid, for some insane reason his concern & compassion for us is off the charts. He reaches to us, yearns for us as we yearn for security & comfort. There is no one except God himself that has the capability to not only represent but significantly fill our desires and remove us from the torture of pain. He, if we allow, will offer the experience of a lifetime, providing fullness, contentment & everlasting joy! In the evening I see Him in my childrens breath as they sleep, in the morning I hear Him as He wakes me with the birds song of delight. If I seek him, through this journey He has bestowed upon me, I will find Him. It is everything that surrounds me where I can acknowledge His presence, I just need to be still, be quiet & ahhh....he is with me. And amazingly enough He gives me what I need, just like the much needed laugh from a friend!

Pain & Suffering

2010-03-11T12:16:00.002-05:00

There is a reason for pain & suffering, although I can not see it just quite, yet. This too shall pass & when morning breaks I may discover the lesson learned to get me through my heartache.

I love you, yet you don't love

2010-03-10T01:43:00.007-05:00

How do people fall in love? We can scientifically try to explain how our bodies produce certain hormones and its natural. After all isn't it built in us to reproduce?

Someone once told me: "I won't fall in love with you." It stung worse than any bug bite and my stomach started to feel sick, I almost threw up. You see I have this beautiful gift, and quite possibly the worst gift in the world when it comes to the heart. I love unconditionally. This is why friends tell me anything and everything. They know I will accept them NO MATTER WHAT. And, what they tell me in confidentiality will not go past my ear drum. I find it hard to hate someone, no matter what horrific sin they have committed. This puts me at a very difficult place when it comes to relationships. I continue to let the person back in, embrace and allow them kill me softly again. I can't imagine what God goes through every minute. He listens, he embraces, he loves unconditionally, and the 6 billion people in the world that he knit together piece by piece in the womb- reject him on a daily bases. I know when someone leaves, and my heart is bruised that God has been there, done that, and I can uncontrollably cry on his shoulder. I have to remember not everyone knows how to love and through time maybe they might not only see it yet, feel it. Then, maybe they can share it. Or, their heart might just have been beaten to a pulp and our gracious Father can restore & repair it (when they are ready (to surrender and let him)).

Daddy will always be near......

2010-03-09T15:06:00.004-05:00

You may not see him, but he's here.

The Circus

2010-02-21T07:38:00.008-05:00

Here's the thing, in life, we have the choice to do whatever we want! As a child I wanted to run away & join the circus, I desired to become a clown. Many laugh because they know me, and how I adore standing in the sea of joy. Not letting others hinder us from what we may become is a challenge. Surrounding ourselves with optimistic thinkers and encouraging motivators may inspire us. Yet, when we encounter the realist and the pessimistic downers of this world, we can get side-tracked.
This is no secret, we have the ability & opportunity to become ANYTHING! It is quite exciting! The mind is a powerful tool, many preach and tell of how it is only mind over matter. I imagine, and know the best is yet to have arrived. My God will meet me and supply ALL my needs. My life may come across as overwhelming at times, running around with four children can resemble a circus act. I'll be pushing a shopping cart in the middle of Wal-Mart, thinking things are fine until a fight breaks out with my three boys. People stare, laugh, comment and I in the chaos am humbled.
Nonetheless, moments occur where I'm sitting and watching my children play outside(them unknowingly of my presence) where they are sweet and kind towards each other....and peace washes over me. I love my circus! I embrace the consequences to the choices I've made; and attempt in every way to uncover how my God can use me. Use me in this circus act of my life. Apprehending, how there is more to come and I can rest assured perceiving that the desires of my heart were buried there for a reason. He holds the key to such treasures and will make them discovered by my following Him.

Scared

2010-02-19T00:22:00.003-05:00

Eve woke up screaming & crying, she was scared. It was dark, so she probably felt lost. She cried out for me, so I ran to pick her up in my arms to let her know that she wasn't alone. I was there to comfort & hold her, assuring her that there was nothing to fear. I wiped away the tears that were rolling down her face & tucked her by my side, where she fell back to sleep. I believe that happens to us all the time. We get to these points in life where we are completely lost, in the dark, afraid, lonely, fearing the worst & crying out for help. And, if we just say His name: Jesus.....he's there, wiping away our tears that have been streaming down our cheeks. Bending over to put us on his shoulder and carry us to safety. For it is God that loves us whole, only he can calm our thoughts and remind us that He is our daddy. Our security blanket, our assurance, that he is just those things. Daddy holds us, to let us experience the rest we need. The rest that only occurs tucked in by his side.

Today is a New day!

2010-02-17T15:46:00.002-05:00

Today is a new day, the sun finally decided to come out from playing peek-a-boo with the clouds after a week or two of rain & snow. It is beautiful watching the sun rays fall through the windows. Right now, I'm so content sitting in the local Chic-Fil-A playground area admiring the energy spent by my giggly children due to the sugar attack from the ever so lovely ice cream. I believe some joys can not be captured in words, there are moments in life where words will never be enough- time in space that can only be felt, not expressed through readings or writings. I am in this current stage of life where everything seems at a stand still & I'm okay with that. My computer crashed last month when I was getting prepared to launch a web-site, everything gone: pictures from hundreds of memories, a thousand songs on my i-tunes, a book I was writing & videos for my web-site. Of course, I was extremely sad because I had no back-up, yet I imagined the thousands of Haitians that lost so much more. I am content, yet my heart still aches at times for a better world, one where we honestly love as Jesus does. To be the sunshine that shines through other hearts so that they might know of the incredible, intense love & joy that can only stem from our heavenly Father. God is beautiful & resting in Him is where being content is explored and we can be free to just be!

I Ran

2010-02-01T22:40:00.006-05:00

Today I went for a run, I decided to try to break my 25 minute three mile.....so I was speeding & pushing. I started out on the treadmill then ended up in the cold outdoors (with shorts on), to finally finishing on the indoor track. I literally was dragging my feet afterwards because I ran my 3 miles in 22.5 minutes! Its my new shoes, it has to be!
During the run I began to cry, I know whah-whah, I'm a crybaby. I couldn't stop. I felt as if I was beating my body up due to pushing myself so hard. Isn't it crazy how we abuse ourselves & act as if its ok? So many of us are in pain & suffering, yet we deceive our minds and pretend if we try harder or push just enough we will be better, feel better.
We make choices, imagining only the best, then end up with scars. I started to cry during my run today because I saw how God sees me. I saw a young used, abused, confused and worn out lady, but HE still wants me! He said my name and that's all he had to do, because his tone was in love. The torture I put myself through because of my selfish thoughts, he still cared, he still remained. I ran, from Him. I was ashamed and knew I didn't deserve His mercy. Yet, He pursued me. He knew I would eventually fall from all the stones. Stones of rejection and wrath, stones that were created by words from people that can not hide their ignorance. No matter what the stones were made out of or who they were thrown by, He was ready to catch me. He was there to pick me up, so that I might not drag my beaten body and broken spirit. He has this power that no one else can compare to, where his heart is more than enough to hydrate me when I am completely depleted. I cried knowing that if I had surrendured sooner, the bruises would have been healed by now. My Saviour loves me NOW, this very moment, every moment. He waits for us, waits along side of us, until we let him in to restore our joy. Trust Him, not me.....I'm just crying because I can see Him running TO me and not from me.

yuck

2010-02-01T14:48:00.004-05:00

Feeling so bland today. My desire to eat is not really there. I want so badly to hit the refresh button in my head. If I could just program myself to not feel this way, life might quite possibly be much easier. My hopes, dreams are gone at this moment & I am laying here longing for my body to magically produce endorphins, so that I can soar again. Where are you Lord? I am nothing without you.

These are a few of my favorite things......

2010-01-16T18:54:00.003-05:00

Being that I, Kara Christine Adams, am turning the year of our Lord (plus one) this coming Wednesday, I am registered at Target and Barnes & Noble. Just kidding, just kidding, just kidding. But, seriously my birthday wish list is world peace and a garlic press. I am super excited to turn another year older, this weekend I had the greatest pleasure to spend time with my best friend (who is currently the year of our Lord -1) in her town of Raleigh, NC. Alyssa Katherine IS one of my favourite things, she showed me how God loves 21 years ago when we made acquaintance. God accepts at all times and that's what she did. Thank you Alyssa, I love you and cherish our friendship. My children ARE my favourite things, they continuously teach me to pray earnestly and see through their eyes, eyes that know not of a world filled with hate and shame. To see beauty through innocence and not old, warped, broken glasses. I have love because I am loved and I give love. Thank you mom, thank you Dana, thank you family and friends for your love and your time, your efforts and endless memories. Every year gets better, no matter the hardships or trials I face. I am loved and my vision becomes more precise each passing year, not due to my optimism yet, because of whom I am blessed to be with. God shares only His best and if we seek it, we might find that standing in the waterfall of His grace is the ONLY way to experience the fullness of life.

Ps.
Okay, okay, if world peace can not be covered than I will gladly accept a cover case for my coolpix camera or the most awesome book evah: The Secret Language of Birthdays by Gary Schneider and Joost Elffers! For those of you that don't know me....still kidding, yet let's celebrate because I'm so fun!

Six year olds

2010-01-07T22:08:00.007-05:00

Last Monday, my youngest boy turned six. My handsome boy, Seth Elliott, knows just how to find your soft spot. He is officially known as "Boo" in our home and he can out snuggle anyone. He makes us smile with his car obsession, he has always loved them and could handle his electric jeep at the age of 1.5 (more so than his older brothers)! Every day he tells me: "I love you mommy," and every other day he says: "Your the best Mommy ever!" Yes, I do believe he knows how to soften many of hearts. He is very thankful, which in turn allows me to learn from him. His grateful heart inspires me to see through this life with loving eyes. He delights in laughter, he falls down and gets up with zeal, and he completely loves. He is tough, at the age of three he had to have 7 staples in his head due to an accident on the brick steps of our house. He and his brothers were playing hard, for a moment (well, several moments) I lost it. There was blood everywhere -on his shirt and his dad's shirt. I freaked, my baby boy was hurt and I had to watch him suffer through pain. He recovered quickly, showing that toughness. He may be tough when it comes to playing rough, but I get to experience his warm hugs, encouraging words and precious kisses. Happy 6th year boo, I love you. Your my baby bear and I wouldn't trade you for anything.

A wise woman once said:

2009-12-30T22:24:00.000-05:00

"Happiness is spiritual, born of Truth and Love. It is unselfish; therefore it cannot exist alone, but requires all mankind to share it."

Why Love?

2009-12-27T23:14:00.003-05:00

Why love? Why love when we can be selfish? Why love when it hurts? I will love because I can, because I know not what the person next to me has seen or heard.
I can, and that, in itself, is powerful. I can be light when I see none, I can be love when I feel none. I can. I can love, even when it troubles me. I love when the ocean roars, when I'm swallowed whole and nothing sustains me. I can love....as much as it kills me, I love. That's it, let me die, let me be so that I may smell of this love that brings something I can not. Love is more than adoration, more than inspiration, it is deep. You must love self to embrace the unfathomable.
Love, why do you not let me go? Why am I of worth? Why does love continue to call me? Love is here, rooted within my inmost being. Stirring my passion to seek more. More love, burning my unmanageable, unrestrainable heart. This love that has unimaginably perforated my soul.........keeps me in awe. I am no longer lost when it comes to this love. I no longer have to mourn over the death of my flesh. Love fills my cup with mercy and directs me to the right path. Love forgives and I must love.

Brief

2009-12-20T23:10:00.003-05:00

Lonely and confused, don't know quite what to do. I'm sad and afraid, think I've lost my way. This pain inside is more than just some stupid roller coaster ride. Don't know who to trust, just consider my thoughts as dust. Longing to be more than someones ornament on their door. Looking for a place to feel comfort and grace.

Stubborn people

2009-12-16T17:22:00.003-05:00

Stubborn people sometimes stick their noses in other peoples business. What up wid dat? They literally think that their way is the ONLY way. It is so sad and quite disturbing. Nobody is perfect and instead of attempting to make peace, they are just creating more drama. It is sweet that someone cares enough to stick their nose in your business, yet maybe not appropriate. Only God can dictate and orchestrate, we are clueless. Hoping to make a difference and assuming that we know best, but it is pride and pride (unfortunately) comes before a fall. Be careful to judge, because what goes around eventually comes right back at'cha! If anything....what we can do to exemplify Christ, is to pray and love. Love with our hands and our feet, love with a servants heart and a listening ear. To love with what we have means to love with and not our piercing tongues or striking looks. Challenging, most definitely! I too, am at fault when it comes to being unrelenting. This is why I need a Saviour, someone to show me how to love when I have failed to love. Why I desperately am in dire need of hope, when the world around me has crashed into a thousand pieces because of the theories I created. I am acquainted with how messed up I am and the mistakes I've made, yet God accepts me as I am. He holds me and will nourish me back to health.....for His glory.

It's almost that time of year...

2009-12-14T11:41:00.008-05:00

The holidays are approaching and I told the kids it would be a small Christmas. I know a lot of people are in the same boat as myself, yet Christ was born and crucified for us. The only reason we should be celebrating is JESUS! We always wake up Christmas morning and read the birth of Jesus then, we make a birthday cake for Him and sing 'Happy Birthday'! It's crazy fun!
This year, I'm totally excited that a friend of mine is planning on sharing God's love in such a REAL way. Please check her blog out and maybe you can help........ http://babycarlisleedwards.blogspot.com/

Tis the season to be jolly no matter what you've been through. Embrace His presence and let Him shine through your every action and emotion.

Love and hugs,

Kara

Why I love ice cream....

2009-12-09T23:12:00.007-05:00

Yes, as a fitness instructor of 10 years I have this incredible, uncontrollable habit of eating ice cream. You see, it started at a very young age. My beloved father would make it from scratch on our back porch. He would stir the ingredients in this magical, blue pail until (wa-la!) the most magnificent ice cream in the world appeared. I would not leave his side until I got my bowl. He had this crazy fetish of eating this insanely, cold food almost every other day. No wonder he was labeled the best dad and grandpa in the south, right! One time when I was growing up -in the 80's, he was making our favorite snack and a lizard crawled up his pant leg...so, he started, what is now known as, the stomp. It was so funny! This was the defining moment that I knew my dad had rhythm. I was rolling over with laughter, so I can't remember if the lizard survived or not. Everytime my father ate ice cream he would stop and stare, BRAIN FREEZE. No matter how much it hurt he would finish it off. It was just too yummy. The last few months of his life, he craved this most cherished treat. So, I would pick some of my popular choices up from the grocery store and we'd sit on the back porch eating a little piece of heaven on earth. I giggle over the time when he gave me his ice cream and grabbed my prize flavor (Haagen-Dazs: vanilla with honey) to taste and then he proceeded to eat the WHOLE pint, not leaving any for me.
I adore ice cream, it takes me to a place of memories and comfort. It reminds me -that no matter what, to finish it. To finish what I started, that I may get a few brain freezes along the way yet, if I don't finish I'll never know how juicy, sweet life can be. The times where you can relish in laughter and zeal. Endure the hard times, the struggles you may encounter, so that you can garner the rich moments.....the ones that feel completely yummy in the depths of your tummy.

No reason....just rhyme

2009-12-05T23:57:00.010-05:00

I've assessed, I'm depressed due to the fact that I've repressed pain and sorrow from compressed memories. So is this really best, or am I obsessed with the mess? Yes, you are unimpressed with my chest so why don't you just give it a rest. Stop being so possessed by your dress and the quest to be blessed. I miss feeling caressed and guess its leaving the nest, so my simple request is that your zest be pressed away from me towards the west. For now it seems as if your vest has suppressed my heart, which I suggest is distressed. Leave, because I finally confessed.

Life can be good

2009-11-27T13:32:00.028-05:00

Yes, life can be good despite the choices we make. We are full of bad choices, we are ordinary and plain. Yet, there is ONE that sees the worth in us.
I have four AMAZING children and I love them so much it hurts at times. I desire the utmost for them. I want them to know this is not where life begins, our life begins when we find God. Without knowing our Creator, it is pointless. When we discover a slice of Him, we have a glimpse of hope and who we are. Our lives are meant to be so that we may plumage through all the shit and treasure what is real. Children, spouses, sisters, brothers, friends, we are all tangible and the depths of us are overwhelmingly beyond our control. When I seek comfort I will find none, unless I seek the right source. This world we live in is scary and full of lies, it is not our fault. People are human and can only make their decisions based on what they grew up in and around, yet there is a possibility if we dig deep enough awareness can arise. Should we cast blame or seek the truth, what is hidden in our hearts? I am desperate for peace, I long for truth, there is something that stirs within that I must not ignore. Life is more than struggling through each day, there is more than pain. We can find ourselves in a hole that appears preposterous to get out, nothing we presume will get harder. Then it happens, the disaster in us, the tornado from our past, the jagged knife that rips us in half. A few of you know what I'm describing, some are clueless, others will unfortunately tread later. The loss of a loved one, the unborn that never have a chance, the abuse of another, the raping of ones soul, body or mind, rejection, self sacrifice or the injustice of a cruel system. How we embrace this disease, this sorrow, this affliction is the key. Are we oblivious to it, attempt to run away from it, linger in the depression, or tackle it head on?
Yes, life can be good. Opening our eyes to observe the light that shines in through the blinds, that burst through the clouds which originated from such a compelling star(unlike any other in the universe). The author of this bright light is so powerful and can demonstrate to us how not only to survive, but LIVE! It may take some time to see it, then again it may not.....let the sun shine on you, that you may know life is good. That you may know God is good and only desires the utmost for you. Our decisions can lead us into trouble, yet our God can lead us to a life full of light.

Distractions

2009-11-25T00:00:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I want to say it out loud, or shoot -even if I could just scream it! At least, that's how I feel. I want to speak truth and have it in return. I get so tired of the games people play. I don't agree with someone dragging others through the mud because they feel the need to justify their own beliefs. I am exhausted from the lies, the threats, the gossip, the flakiness of the fakeness! It's as if some people are like onions, each layer has more of a stench to them. And I, the optimist that I am, keep hoping as I continue to peel away through the tears to discover the essence of what is (supposedly) a soul. You may be wondering what any of this has to do with distractions. The smell of an onion is somewhat distracting. It has such a strong vapor that it can literally make you cry. It feels as if it is an attack on your tear glands. What is really happening is gas being dispensed from the onion reacting with the water in your tears to form sulfuric acid. The sulfuric acid burns, stimulating your eyes to release more tears to wash the irritant away. The crazy aspect of it all: if you never have cut an onion before.....you wouldn't know this scenario was going to happen by just looking at the onion. So who cares if the onion is full of flavor and has the properties of medicine. Onions are used in the treatment of diarrhea, colds, intestinal parasites, gallstones, and rheumatism. The very compounds that give onions their pungency, taste and smell have been identified as substances that may fight cancer.
What is distracting us from getting to the core, that will help us to wash away the impurities and irritants of ourselves? I could give you a long list of my distractions, but I won't bore you. Yes, some people are like onions. We do not want to deal with their layers of CRAP! Yet, by the time we are done peeling away everything....there it is, we have gained something. Whether it be patience, self control, gentleness, kindness, or even love. I have this theory that we are supposed to learn more to some degree instead of feeling hurt, lost or burned out. That we as humans are granted a spark of understanding, that we may not judge one another however, to encourage each other. I am an onion, not very appealing sometimes and distracting in ways I'd rather not say. My strong personality can be full of flavor, attempt to reach the core and you might unveil your own medicine.

Friends

2009-11-22T23:45:00.006-05:00

Friends are something you don't realize you have until you go through what may appear like dog poo. I love each of them and see God's amazing love through them. Thank you for being there and helping me clean off the poo poo.

He shadows him

2009-11-17T23:11:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow is my son Andrew's 8th birthday. He makes me smile in ways he will never know. He is talented and smart, he enjoys making others grin. Hence, his teachers remark of how he has become the class clown. When I'm feeling sarcastic or throwing a joke out around the kids assuming they won't hear me or understand.....I get wind of Andrews smirk. He baffles me and I find him completely charming in every way. I am aware of the slight favor, due to the fact that he is my son. What tickles me most is his incredible resemblance to my father. His frame is stunningly just like my fathers was at his age. He is quiet at times, ADORES the color orange due to his Clemson fever, watches over his younger sister with compassion and can remember the lyrics to any song! He once told me he was going to work at a bank so that he could be around money all the time. He loves math and art, he is wise in his purchases...looking at ways to save and find the cheapest route. The boy can make me laugh, that's why he shadows my dad. I am so proud of you Andrew! My heart was full of joy the day you were born and now overflows beyond measure because of you. You are such a treasure to our family, just keep being you -that's what you do best! Happy Birthday sweet-pea, I love you.

Can't Sleep..........

2009-11-15T22:51:00.006-05:00

I can't seem to sleep. One of my boys just approached me telling me of the same scenario. Yet, his problem is definitely much easier to solve than mine. You see, he has this bigger brother that tends to snore. So, problem solved when he is assigned to another room. My issue -tends to run a bit deeper than the hoarse, harsh sounds caused by the vibration of a soft palate. I am intensely tired, my mind is refusing to rest. A caring friend reminded me to get on my knees, something so uncomplicated and practical. Such an easy answer to my dilemma, right? Well, what happens when I get on my knees and all I do is weep? Then, I don't want to take the time to seek relief in the only possible direction that will supply the peace that my body needs so dearly. I am sincerely miserable! I get headaches from my puddles of tears. Yet, I am completely lost, in the dark, in emotional, physical, and spiritual pain. Without God's presence, I literally don't know how to handle anything. I think this 'no sleeping thing' is part of God's way of getting my attention.
I know from past experiences that healing eventually comes through this unpleasant practice. So, I am borrowing Nike's logo: JUST DO IT! Everyday, I will get on my knees and wait for Him, until my knees wear down and then I will be on my face(when it is no longer painful but, joyfulness shall have taken its place). All that is keeping me from this intimacy with my creator is stubborn pride. This too shall pass and just maybe there will be laughter in the morning.

Are you there?

2009-11-11T22:22:00.002-05:00

Do you reflect the person that lingers inside your soul? I feel as if I am still discovering who I am. Are you really who you thought you would be? Sometimes I look in the mirror and I am so disappointed in what I see. Not necessarily physically, but internally. I always believed how we look and feel is a manifestation from within. Do we see beauty for what it truly is or do we judge by appearance? My life is a song that has crescendos, as well as the decrescendos. I cannot, by any means, remain in the highlights of my decisions for this crazy song. Honestly, I have these sweet friends that keep asking me if I am trusting God with EVERYTHING. Makes me wonder, is it possible to free fall with out any fear? So, search me.....try me......see that I am hopeless. There is no escape of the fear that resides in us all. How can we get to the point where we see just a glimpse of His face and know -we will be forever changed?

I have these BEAUTIFUL, amazing children that show me what it means to discover life in new ways every day! They may passionately fight with each other yet, they also passionately defend and take care of one other. Children can be so simple in what they say, yet their perception is mind blowing. I enjoy how everything is HUGE in their eyes and the questions have no endings. Are we there, where the Lord wants us? Can we be straightforward, simply come, like a child before Him?

Focus or go, go, go?

2009-11-08T21:38:00.006-05:00

What can I say? I'm a natural when it comes to dancing. As I danced in front of an audience last year I tripped over myself yet, no one knew because I played it off so gracefully. It was as if it was part of the next move. Now, this doesn't always apply to other situations in my life, wish it did. I might can dance, but I was born with this incredible gift of clumsiness. Just yesterday, I locked myself out of my house. While I was teaching yoga, I almost fell over a student attempting to adjust them. I was thinking about being in the moment when I dance and how aware I am of every move, it's easy to stay focused. On the other hand, when I am running late... getting the kids ready and making a brief commitment to look decent -I lose sight. So, my body displays the wonderful decor of bruises from the door knobs and rails that jump out at me while I'm recklessly running through the house. Lately I've been telling myself over and over again to stay centered. What all does this entitle? To breath, ONE breath at a time. Slowing down will be a challenge for me, yet I know it can be done! When I slow down, I discover how overwhelming the beauty of the earth and people around me truly are. Then, something so powerful happens, I hear His voice which comforts me.

Home

2009-11-08T11:29:00.003-05:00

The only place I can tolerate being right now is in worship. I'm good, I just want to go home, I'm so tired of this place. I keep thinking that one day we will celebrate being truly at HOME, the place that its ALL about. I miss truth and my earthly dad. I only smile knowing that this time is temporary. I don't want to be anywhere except in His amazing grace. Why can't my mind and heart be one and constantly singing in His presence? Depression SUCKS! If it brings me closer to him, so be it. Please leave your comments of what you think or want me to do to yourself, I know what the Bible says. We each have to walk through life and learn from our own judgments and experiences. We can't change people, we can only influence and pray that they pursue God......because He is forever in pursuit of us.

My heart is open

2009-11-04T00:34:00.004-05:00

My heart, it has been through some trials. This heart of mine, honestly, needs to be in the Intensive Care Unit. I know the expenses to restore the pump valves and torn muscle will be astronomical. So the price is NOT cheap, the pain: unbearable, the loved ones surrounding me concerned for my well being, and my entire body- weak....suffering from all the damage this straining heart has caused. Do I trust the surgeon? Do I really need this operation? How will I know if I will be completely healed when all is said and done?

SO, I lay down......surrender and ready to be opened, exposed, feeling somewhat empty. I would have it no other way. I'm not here for people to see just my working parts, I'm here to show you that I'm broken and hurting. For this reason, maybe you might see I'm human and trust there is hope beyond our understanding. There is a surgeon that not only stitches and repairs our vital organs of life, yet heals us too! My heart yearns for restoration, and that is only possible through One. The one who gives life, who sees us in the night and knows when to use the defibrillator.

Sometimes it gets tough

2009-10-31T10:54:00.002-04:00

Got up with a cough that rattles the chest, piercing. My headache has been going on for 3 days now and my kids jumped on the bed ready to carve pumpkins. Oh boy! I am always up for adventure, yet with little energy from being sick....makes it challenging to even pick up a pumpkin. Thinking of my dad today, tears swell up and I'm easily distracted of thoughts of going back to bed. I have a princess, a Superman, a Jason, and an Elvis ready to finish their costumes. All I can think of is how my daddy would be taking pictures of my little ones and encouraging their precious hearts on how great they looked. We have never been promised that life would be easy, nor have we been promised it would be all bad either. Our perspective makes the world of difference. I'm enjoying the unforgettable moments right now, and learning to treasure the ones that are intensely missed. It's tough at times, but I throw a smile on and share with my kids how they can savor each second now. Keep it real, think positive, and love when you see none. Happy Halloween!

It Is Well

2009-10-27T22:41:00.002-04:00

Today my youngest son woke up extremely GRUMPY. The 20 minute ride to school was not the most delightful due to the fact that he screamed and cried ALL the way there! This really was not the best scenario for the rest of the crew, we had to dig deep to be cheerful. Seth, my youngest boy, did not want to go to school, he wanted to sleep. He struggled putting on his clothes, had a shoe fight all by himself, and then spilled his cereal onto his lap in the car. Not once did he take comfort from me or his siblings, who tried everything to calm his demeanor.

Such is life. A lot of times I do not get my way. Situations turn out messy, and I get mad or sad. I'll fight like crazy thinking I know what is foremost when it comes to my job or my kids, not letting God solace me (what I truly need). It's challenging when you learn that your not in control. Life happens and you can try to manage it, but the truth is.....it's not ours to dominate. Sometimes this does not rest well with our souls? Are we strong enough to let go, seeing our weakness for what it honestly is: pride? To surrender and not have control? Can we give permission to the author of life, who gives us the freedom to choose if we want to lead or -shall we engage in the fact that He knows best? He is our Father and wants the UTMOST for us! I love that song, 'It is well with my soul'.

Women and books

2009-10-24T00:32:00.003-04:00

I am reading this incredible book at the moment by the name of 'Captivating' by John and Staci Eldredge. I have not posted books before, yet this book is for you (if your a woman). It has hit some spots with me and you just have to read it to know what I'm talking about. Discover how beautiful you already are!

Substance

2009-10-16T20:42:00.008-04:00

I am amazed at God's love, His grace and mercy. Yet, I am ashamed of how I have been such a child, mischievous and playing as if consequences don't exist. Nobody is perfect, we can't be. That is the process of being human, we are flawed and need molding, conditioning to understand how much we are in desperate need of our Creator. I know how much I deserve, which humbles me. I desire to be a better mom, a better daughter, a better friend, an exceptional example of what I believe and who I believe in. I fall short every day, my weaknesses are different from yours.....this is why I can accept people where they are. I am forgiven, which doesn't necessarily mean that I determine to keep making stupid decisions and wondering why I'm not experiencing the fullness of God. Of course, I will most likely (not on purpose) misjudge or take for granted what I have. Eventually realizing that I must get out of bed the next day to uncover the mess that I made. I try not to look back at my life and regret anything. I have purpose, just as much as you. We are not here by mistake, we have the opportunity to invest our hearts, minds, our souls into something beyond ourselves.

Today, my 7 year old went to time out in the corner about FIVE times within TWO hours. I kept thinking "HELLO, anybody home?" Then it occurred to me, how often do we as God's children get distracted, disobey, repeat our sin and get frustrated? Frustrated to the point where our noses are in the corner and we are fussing, pitching a fit and angry that we have to sit out, feeling as if we are wasting our time. Not acknowledging how we behaved poorly, we might even be conjuring up ideas that justify the intolerable behaviour. I lack discipline in some areas of my life(who doesn't, am I right?), I'm not saying that's cool, I'm just saying. It puts me on my face when I know that my daddy is with God and I'm here still struggling to make sense of it all. I need substance, I covet consistency.

This is why I am in love with such an incredible God -that holds me in the worst of storms, believes in me, finds me as an awestruck beauty, feels my pain, reaches into my most sorrowful moments to comfort me and heals my wounds. There will be pain on this earth, yet my Father, my God promises and has proclaimed He has overcome this world through Jesus. There is absolutely nothing that He can NOT do! He is more than what we can possible imagine! One of my friends has written such a wonderful song that expresses God as the substance that I cling to and the anchor that holds me. There has never been a time where He has withheld His love from us or He has felt short of who He is. And yes, this is the song you see me screaming out loud in my car at the red lights.

I know what I want.......

2009-10-13T23:40:00.002-04:00

I know what I want and I want it now!

I experienced God's thick, sovereign presence around 2 weeks ago. It's difficult to describe, so I use the word thick because it was so strong and pure. Kind of like the pillar of cloud mentioned in Exodus 13:21. The people illustrated the Lord as a cloud that went ahead of them during the day and as a pillar of fire at night to lead them. How intense to know the presence of God as fire or even a cloud surrounding you, a thickness that is like no other. He honestly wraps us up as if a coat, making sure we know He is with us! So, I was in awe and could not speak. This was not just a meeting where I was reading the Bible or singing worship songs, I was by myself cleaning my house. God wanted my attention and He got it. It was sovereign, stern and holy. I was honored to taste this small portion of His holiness. Now, someone might be reading this and thinking this girl is crazy. That's okay, because it's my story and I wouldn't exchange for anything! If I allow Him, God can restore me and tune my chords that have lost their key. It's almost as if I'm a pencil that is dull and needs sharpening. It's hard to use pencils where the lead has been worn down into the wood, it's much easier when they are sharp and have a pointed tip. Your writing turns out much smoother.
This is what I want, I want Him. I want God to sharpen me daily, so that I might be aware of what He has in store and eligible to live His word. He made it quite clear to me that day how I don't need to be messing around. He is a loving God, yet He is a serious God. His truth is worth every suffering I've ever been through. I want to be ready for Him, but I will not -unless I let Him shave the dull, worn pieces off so that I might be more peaceful, easeful and useful.